Journal
As the wind gushed on my face, I just sighed in relief and I felt at peace.
I walked past the cold hallway as the people were glaring at me with disgust.
“Is that her?”
“What has she done?”
“You will regret what you did.”
“Oh, that’s what she looks like.”
“You murderer!”
What did I do? I just chose myself! These people who don’t have anything to do with their lives have the audacity to talk straight to my face and shame me without knowing anything.
As I close the huge creaking wooden door, I’m left with an empty sachets of medicine capsule I took, receipts and bruises from the injection. I suddenly felt the sadness inside me and started tearing up without me noticing.
While walking endlessly on the road, I suddenly felt the damp grass touch my feet, I broke down in tears- “I’m sorry... I ended up like this. I’m sorry...”
I watched my brother as he was holding a wooden box, dug deeper and buried the box in our garden.
“Everything will be alright, Livvy. We’re always here for you.” Ollie said as he hugged me tightly.
Crying and feeling ashamed, I ran as fast as I could for hours and screamed- “I didn’t want this!” and the sky answered with a deafening crack of thunder.
I answered softly as I bent down on my knees, “Please, forgive me.”
As I kneel down looking at my hands, I cried a little more and shouted endlessly “ahhhhh” ahhhhhhhhhh” “ahhhhhhhhhhh”
I feel like I deserve sitting here in the muddy water from the rain. After a while, I still felt heavy inside and devastated that I felt like jumping in this huge, deep and frightening bridge.
When I was about to jump and had prepared myself for what was going to happen, I once again looked at my hand, crying in pain- “My precious baby...” the test... a pregnancy test with two red lines was looking at me like it’s begging.
I wiped my tears and got back on my feet.
“I will do my best to make it up to you, Liana”
I picked up my bag on the ground and started focusing on how to cope up with my loss. I grabbed my phone and called our HR head.
“Hey, I was thinking of resigning at the company as an HR.”
Vince replied with shock and concern. “What happened? Is there something wrong? Is there anything our company can do to compensate for what you need?”
“I know I asked for 2 weeks leave, Vince. I’m really sorry this is how it turned out.” I answered politely. “I just- I needed more rest.”
Vince convincingly replied, “We can wait, Olivia. It’s not a big deal. I can re-assure you that the position is still yours when you get back. How many months are we talking about?”
“I-I’m... really not sure. Can I get back to you on that?” I hesitatingly answered.
He sighed- “Sure, let me know Olivia. I’ll process the papers after your confirmation.” and ended our call.
As I entered the most well-known coffee shop, I sat on the very corner of the room while waiting for my order.
Someone shouted, “Spanish latte for Olivia.”
“Thank you.” I grabbed my coffee and walked back on my seat.
Looking at my journal, with happy notes, colorful stickers with excited notes- “First time knowing the feeling of morning sickness.” I opened the back part of the book with an exact cut-out, and placed my pregnancy test with two lines there.
As I was about to close the book, I felt tears running down my cheeks.“I guess, this is where I close the chapter of being a mom.” wiping my tears with a little smile on my dry lips.
I saw a man walking towards me, “Hello, is this seat taken?”
“No. But I actua-” I was disrupted as he actually sat down without me finishing.
I let it go that way and drank my coffee while quickly putting the journal on my bag. I am rushing myself up to get out of the coffee shop. I was about to leave when he suddenly grabbed my hand while looking at me in the most awkward way that made me so uncomfortable.
He suddenly said out of nowhere, “I saw you earlier.”
“Sorry?” I responded with confusion.
“I mean, at the bridge.” He handed me a paper bag with a gorgeous comfortable outfit inside.
“Sorry, but what is this for?” I asked with more confusion going around my head.
“You’re soaking wet. Are you ignoring it or you just don’t know it?” while looking intently at my wet clothes.
I saw his eyes crawl down on my body and I gasped with shock on my face trying to cover it.
“Oh my God!” shocked I don’t know how to cover it and how to respond calmly- “Thank you.” I looked at him with kind eyes and immediately got up to change my clothes.
I was so out of it that I didn’t notice I was wearing this thin, wet clothes sticking uncomfortable in my body. I looked in the mirror, “Oh gosh. My undergarments are also peeking through?! This is embarrassing.”
I get back to my table and the man is still sitting there as if he was waiting for me to get back.
“Thank you.” I said softly that he barely heard it because he was reading a book.
“Oh, you’re here already. Mind if I-” I cut him as I repeated a loud appreciation.
“I said, thank you [loud] earlier.” and softly whispered “You probably did not hear it because you were so engrossed in reading.” I looked up to him while looking in his eyes, “How can I make it up to you?” I asked with sincerity.
He smiled like he was grinning from ear to ear- “That’s what I was about to stay. Don’t leave. Mind if you finish your coffee here? I have an extra book for you to read here.”
He handed me a book which has a very interesting book cover and an interesting title,“A woman in tears”which made me look at him twice before I grabbed the book and stayed with him.
I sat and said, “I will just look at this briefly, read a little and leave.”
“Sure, whatever makes you feel comfortable.” he said comfortably.
As we sat in the coffee shop for hours, I felt relieved that someone was with me. A company that makes me feel at ease. Without us doing anything, without conversations going around in our table, just us silently reading a book.
