My First Ever Experience Of Grief As An Autistic Woman With Learning Difficulties

Carrying on with my work as usual,

Covering one of the receptionists whilst she was on lunch,

I signed out from my job for the day.

Walking out of the gate like nothing had happened,

A friendly sun came out from behind the cloud

To greet everyone happily in the world,

Warming up the light of joy in a lot of people.

The weather was glorious, the sun dazzlingly bright.

Pale, white clouds appeared in the sky,

Dancing across the beautiful sky of blue.

Wearing my sunglasses to prevent the brightness,

I walked the short distance from work to my home in the hot sun.

Shadows followed me all the way,

With the sun reflecting happily on me,

But I felt an intense heat rising inside.

The heat was like a wildfire consuming the streets,

Giving me summer vibes as the temperature rose.

Then, walking to the traffic lights,

Waiting for the green man to cross,

I walked home thinking about my happy day

And its smiling sun.

Before it suddenly turned into a weep of disaster.

I suddenly saw my mum with someone else,

Whom I believe was my next-door neighbour’s brother.

My own mother announced the devastating news

That will change my life completely

Whereas this has brought my heart into shreds.

My heart felt broken, shallow, and ripped into pieces,

Like a missing jigsaw piece.

My brain began to water from the first process of grief

As my mind flooded with prolonged sadness.

A day after I went to Bridlington with the college,

My own grandmother - the last grandmother I had on earth,

Whom I have known for twenty-four years of her life,

Passed away so suddenly, on the same day as one of my uncles’ deaths.

My mother showed me the messages

That my stepmother had sent her on her social platform.

I did not know whether to react with shock or sadness.

Inside my mind, I said, “This can’t be right at all.”

I was not expecting her to pass away this early.

I wished she could stay until she was a hundred years old,

So she could receive a letter from the King.

I felt a sense of guilt for not seeing her as much as I should have,

Having never had the chance to say goodbye.

Rushing into my house to go upstairs to my room,

I sat on my chair, crying my eyes out.

It was so difficult to process her death;

This kind of loss hits differently, on a completely next level.

I spent a few hours crying uncontrollably.

Mum messaged me to come down for food,

But I felt no hunger, only a deep sadness that lasted.

When she asked if I wanted a hug, I said “Yes.”

I went to her for the affectionate hug she offered.

Sitting on her brown couch, laying and crying on her right shoulder,

The cats and my mother grieved with me,

Offering me emotional comfort and support.

I thought about getting a shower to make myself feel better.

Feeling the temperature of the water,

Feeling the drips coming from the shower head,

Dripping faster and faster than usual.

Washing my hair with the nice, apple smell of shampoo,

Washing my body with the minty scent of shower gel.

I got out, tried to get ready in my chair,

And put on the clothes I wanted to wear for the day.

Sitting on my bed, I felt a deep isolation and grief.

I have never felt a pain like this before,

And I lacked the ability to pick my little siblings up from school.

Coming downstairs into the living room,

Looking clean and sparkly, I saw my siblings enter the door.

They felt a sense of happiness about coming home from school,

While I still carried the pain of losing my grandma.

It felt like the world had taken her away from our family.

Mum whispered in my teenage brother’s ear,

Saying, “Kelsey’s grandma has passed away.”

He came to me for a hug and said, “I hope this makes you feel better,”

Giving me his empathy and support.

Still, I sat on the couch crying uncontrollably.

One of my younger sisters came right beside me,

Putting her arm around my shoulder to hug me tight,

Expressing her empathy, while my three littlest siblings

Did not yet understand the perspective of grief.

I found the ability to cope in the evening.

But when my teenage sister came home from her perfect outing,

Full of happiness in the golden sun,

Mum whispered in her ear, saying, “Kelsey’s grandma has passed away.”

She said, “Oh s***, really?!” before heading upstairs.

I sat at the top of the stairs, feeling deeply depressed.

I overheard her talking to her friend online, saying,

“I feel really bad for my older sister, Kelsey, ’cause she has just lost her nana.”

Sitting there next to my mum’s bedroom, those words hit me hard.

It gave me a sense of sympathy while going through my first ever grief.

As an autistic woman with learning difficulties,

I have never dealt with this kind of grief before,

When people often think we don’t react, feel, or understand the loss.

The next day, I felt a bit rough,

But I came to work as normal, carrying on with my usual tasks.

I did not tell my staff members or my line managers,

Pretending everything was going to be fine.

But when the date of the funeral is due, I will not be attending,

Even though I want to, and I feel really bad.

I know what it will be like when the funeral directors bury her

Inside the brown, pointy coffin with its long, hexagonal shape,

Digging underneath the ground before the headstone comes.

Instead, I have made a deep, emotional tribute on my social platform.

I feel a deep anger at the world we live in

For making our lives so miserable.

The world has stolen my grandmother; the world is a cruel thief.

It feels so unfair that the rest of the world keeps moving, just like that, “FLICK!!”

Our lives have stopped in pain, whilst the world continues forward,

And the sun keeps shining happily for everyone else to enjoy.

My heart has already been broken like a ripped piece of paper,

Experiencing my first ever heartbreak,

Knowing I will never see her face again.

The debilitating illness made her face unrecognisable,

Compared to what I used to see from a few years ago.

She used to live in a small, little flat downstairs,

Whereas she sits in her chair in the living room,

Surrounded by pictures of her family, full of memories.

The illness caused her to lose so much weight,

Taking away the strength she needed to battle and live fully.

Her illness is my only enemy.

I wish I could have fought it for her, defending my grandmother

Against this horrific disease she carried for years.

I am the first person to frame this disease for stealing her from us,

Before our world completely crashed.

So thank you so much, cruel world, for attempting to ruin our lives.

But I will always cherish my grandmother no matter what.

I express my love and gratitude for the memories we shared,

The outings, the sleepovers, and the light and joy she brought to everyone.

Normally, she wouldn’t mind me sleeping next to her in her big, king bed.

Even though I don’t see her anymore,

At least she has gained her angel wings, flying high into heaven

Full of beautiful people, experiencing no more pain.

She was described as the strongest woman alive,

A woman who fought all her battles with whatever strength she had

Against the debilitating autoimmune disease she lived with.

I never even knew she had a disability.

I will always remember her no matter what,

She will stay in my heart forever.

She will never be forgotten, as she is missed and loved

By every single one of my family members.