Wagon Wheel
“I don't know why I'm still shocked,” Lincoln Loud said as a wagon passed by him.
He stood in the middle of a dirt road, watching the wooden wagon creak into the distance behind two enormous horses. The people riding inside wore strange clothes that looked like they belonged in one of Lisa's history books. Bonnets, suspenders, waistcoats, long dresses, and enough layers of fabric to make Lincoln feel hot just looking at them.
He slowly looked around.
There were no cars.
No traffic lights.
No paved streets.
No power lines.
No buildings taller than two stories.
Lincoln looked down at his sneakers.
Then back at the wagon.
“Okay,” he muttered. “This is definitely not Royal Woods.”
The wagon suddenly stopped.
One of the travelers leaned over the side.
“I hope we reach town soon!” he called.
“Why?” another traveler asked.
The first man grimaced.
“Because I have dysentery!”
Lincoln's eyebrows rose.
The wagon started moving again.
“Wait!”
He ran after it.
The travelers turned as Lincoln caught up.
“Excuse me!” Lincoln said, trying to catch his breath. “What's dysentery?”
The man stared at him.
The other travelers stared at him.
Lincoln waited.
Finally, the man said, “You don't want to know.”
Lincoln nodded slowly.
“Okay.”
He stepped away from the wagon.
That was probably the most helpful answer he could have received.
Whatever dysentery was, Lincoln was perfectly comfortable never finding out.
The wagon disappeared over a hill.
Lincoln turned around.
He was alone.
And then he remembered exactly how he'd gotten there.
Lisa.
---
Earlier that morning, Lisa had summoned Lincoln to her laboratory.
That alone should have been enough to make him suspicious.
Lisa's laboratory had a long history of turning ordinary family members into unwilling participants in experiments they had not fully understood.
Lincoln entered cautiously.
Lisa stood beside a large metal machine covered in wires, blinking lights, glass tubes, and several warning labels.
One label read:
**DO NOT TOUCH.**
Another read:
**SERIOUSLY.**
The third read:
**LINCOLN, THIS MEANS YOU.**
Lincoln pointed at it.
“Really?”
Lisa adjusted her glasses.
“I wanted to eliminate ambiguity.”
“What is this thing?”
“A temporal displacement apparatus.”
“A time machine?”
“Essentially.”
Lincoln stared at the machine.
“Does it work?”
Lisa smiled.
“That is what we're going to discover.”
Lincoln took a step backward.
“Wait. What do you mean, we're?”
Lisa gestured toward the machine.
“You're the test subject.”
“No.”
“Lincoln.”
“No.”
“I require a human being.”
“Find Dad.”
“Dad lacks your specific combination of physical resilience and scientific curiosity.”
“I'm pretty sure you just called me expendable.”
Lisa ignored him.
“The machine is designed to open a temporary portal through spacetime.”
“So what happens if it works?”
“You will be displaced through time.”
“For how long?”
“Approximately five minutes.”
Lincoln looked at the machine.
“And if it doesn't work?”
Lisa paused.
“That is what makes science exciting.”
“Lisa.”
She pressed a button.
The machine came alive.
Lincoln's eyes widened.
“Wait!”
The floor vibrated.
Lights flashed.
A low mechanical hum filled the room.
“Lisa!”
“Remain calm.”
“The machine is shaking!”
“That is expected.”
“It wasn't shaking before!”
“Your observation is correct.”
A swirling distortion appeared around Lincoln.
He grabbed the sides of the machine.
“Lisa!”
She reached for the controls.
The portal suddenly expanded.
There was a flash of white light.
Lincoln disappeared.
Lisa stared at the empty chamber.
Her eyes widened.
“That was not supposed to happen.”
For once, she sounded genuinely concerned.
---
Lincoln landed in a field.
He spent the next several minutes trying to determine whether he had been knocked unconscious.
Then he saw the wagon.
Then the horses.
Then the travelers.
Then he noticed that one of the men was wearing a hat that looked like it had been designed specifically to make him look ridiculous.
Lincoln slowly stood.
He checked his phone.
No signal.
Three percent battery.
“Great.”
He tried calling home anyway.
Nothing.
He looked at the screen.
**NO SERVICE**
“Yeah, thanks.”
He wandered toward the nearby town.
The closer he got, the more certain he became.
He had somehow been sent into the nineteenth century.
Everything looked wrong.
The buildings were made of wood.
The roads were dirt.
People rode horses instead of driving cars.
There were no electric lights.
And nobody seemed remotely interested in the fact that Lincoln was wearing a graphic T-shirt and sneakers.
Well, almost nobody.
A little boy pointed at his shoes.
“What are those?”
“My shoes.”
“They're funny.”
Lincoln looked down.
“They're sneakers.”
The boy frowned.
“What are they for?”
“Running.”
“From what?”
Lincoln thought about it.
“Mostly my sisters.”
The boy seemed to accept this explanation.
Lincoln continued walking.
He tried finding a place to use a telephone.
That failed.
He tried finding money.
That also failed.
He tried explaining to a shopkeeper that he had come from the future.
That failed spectacularly.
Eventually, he found an abandoned shed outside town.
Lincoln sat against the wall.
“Lisa's going to find me,” he said.
He hoped.
He had to believe it.
Because the alternative was spending the rest of his life in a century where the most advanced piece of technology he'd seen all day was a spoon.
---
Back in Royal Woods, Lisa was frantically working.
She had calculated the coordinates of the portal.
She had determined the approximate period Lincoln had been sent to.
She had also discovered a rather alarming fact.
Lincoln had not been sent five minutes into the past.
He had been sent approximately one hundred and fifty years.
Lisa stared at the numbers.
“Interesting.”
She paused.
“Extremely problematic.”
She began rebuilding the temporal apparatus.
Hours passed.
She worked without stopping.
Eventually, she managed to recreate the portal.
Lisa stepped through.
---
Lincoln was asleep in the shed when he heard footsteps.
His eyes opened.
The footsteps stopped outside.
The door opened.
Lisa stood there in a protective suit, holding a glowing device.
“Lincoln.”
Lincoln nearly jumped through the roof.
“Lisa!”
She grabbed his arm.
“We're leaving.”
“You found me!”
“Obviously.”
“I've been here all day!”
“I am aware.”
“I had to walk through a town where nobody had heard of Wi-Fi!”
“Your suffering has been noted.”
Lincoln pointed toward the road.
“I met some people.”
Lisa's expression immediately became serious.
“Did you interact with them?”
“A little.”
“How much is a little?”
“I asked one of them what dysentery was.”
Lisa paused.
“What did he say?”
“He told me I didn't want to know.”
Lisa considered this.
“He was correct.”
“Can we go home?”
“Yes.”
Lisa activated the device.
A shimmering portal opened.
Lincoln stared through it.
On the other side was the laboratory.
He practically jumped through.
Lisa followed.
The portal disappeared.
Lincoln collapsed onto the couch.
“I am never doing another one of your experiments again.”
“You said that after the antimatter experiment.”
“I meant it.”
“You also said it after the cloning experiment.”
“I meant it then too.”
Lisa walked over to the computer.
Lincoln narrowed his eyes.
“What are you doing?”
“There is one remaining problem.”
“What?”
“You remember what happened.”
“So?”
“So your knowledge of the past could potentially create a paradox.”
Lincoln stared at her.
“Wait.”
Lisa pulled a small device from her lab coat.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“You're going to erase my memory?”
“Only the memories associated with the temporal displacement.”
“That sounds creepy.”
“It is perfectly safe.”
Lincoln stared at her.
“Define safe.”
Lisa smiled.
Lincoln sighed.
“Why do I keep asking that?”
She activated the device.
A bright flash filled the room.
---
The next morning, Lincoln woke up in his bed.
His alarm was ringing.
He stared at the ceiling.
Something felt strange.
He couldn't explain it.
There was a vague sensation that he'd had an unusually bizarre adventure.
Something involving a field.
A wagon.
A town.
And...
He couldn't remember.
Lincoln shrugged.
He got dressed and went downstairs.
The usual Loud family chaos was already underway.
Lynn was arguing with Lana.
Lana was arguing with Lola.
Lola was arguing with Lily.
Dad was making pancakes.
Mom was trying to stop Lily from putting syrup on the dog.
Lincoln sat down at the table.
Everything was normal.
He looked around.
Then he noticed Lisa.
She was calmly eating breakfast and reading a scientific journal.
Lincoln stared at her.
“Lisa?”
“Yes?”
“Did anything weird happen yesterday?”
Lisa didn't look up.
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Completely.”
Lincoln frowned.
“I feel like something happened.”
“Perhaps you had an unusual dream.”
“Maybe.”
He thought for a moment.
There had been a wagon.
He could almost hear someone speaking.
Something about an illness.
Then the memory slipped away.
Lincoln shook his head.
“Never mind.”
He reached for a pancake.
Then he suddenly stopped.
A tiny image flashed through his mind.
A dirt road.
A wooden wagon.
A group of people in old-fashioned clothes.
And one very uncomfortable traveler.
Lincoln shuddered.
“I can't imagine the things Lynn would have said to them.”
The entire table went quiet.
Lynn looked up.
“What things?”
Lincoln blinked.
“I don't know.”
Lynn frowned.
“Why would I say something to a bunch of people?”
Lincoln shrugged.
“I don't know. You'd probably make fun of their clothes.”
Lynn looked offended.
“I would never.”
Everyone at the table stared at her.
Lynn paused.
“Okay, I'd probably make fun of their clothes.”
Luan burst out laughing.
Lynn grinned.
“Come on! Did you see what people wore back then? Those pants had suspenders!”
Lynn began laughing harder.
“And those hats!”
Lola covered her ears.
“Lynn!”
“What? I'm just saying!”
Lincoln shook his head.
Then another fragment of memory surfaced.
The traveler.
The wagon.
The word.
“Dysentery.”
Lincoln's face went pale.
“What?”
Everyone looked at him.
Lincoln stared into space.
“I just remembered something.”
Lisa's eyes narrowed.
“What?”
“There was a guy.”
Lynn leaned forward.
“What guy?”
Lincoln swallowed.
“He said he had dysentery.”
Lynn burst out laughing.
“What the heck is dysentery?”
Lincoln stared at her.
“I asked him that.”
“And?”
“He told me I didn't want to know.”
Lynn's grin disappeared.
She slowly looked at the others.
Then at Lincoln.
Then back at everyone else.
“Okay.”
She leaned toward Lincoln.
“Now I definitely want to know.”
Lisa immediately stood up.
“No.”
Lynn looked at her.
“No?”
“You do not want to know.”
Lynn squinted.
“Why?”
“Because you would undoubtedly make inappropriate comments.”
Lynn's face lit up.
“About poop?”
Lisa sighed.
“Precisely.”
Lynn grinned.
“Oh, man.”
Lincoln suddenly shuddered again.
“I can't imagine the things Lynn would have said to them.”
Lynn slapped the table.
“Exactly!”
Lisa rubbed her temples.
The memory wipe had apparently been less successful than anticipated.
Lincoln still couldn't remember the actual events clearly enough to create a paradox.
But Lynn had apparently recovered enough of the concept to become deeply fascinated by nineteenth-century gastrointestinal disease.
Lisa made a mental note.
**Improve memory erasure protocol.**
Lynn raised her hand.
“Lisa?”
“Yes?”
“Can dysentery stop you from playing football?”
“Yes.”
Lynn's eyes widened.
“Okay, that's actually serious.”
Lincoln laughed.
The rest of the family returned to breakfast.
The timeline remained intact.
History was safe.
The nineteenth century remained untouched.
And, thankfully, the Loud family had absolutely no idea that Lincoln had spent an entire day there.
Except for the vague memory of one unfortunate traveler.
And Lynn.
Lynn was going to be asking questions for the rest of the morning.
