THE MOMENT I LOST HER
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
It was a fine day, but still, it didn’t feel like a fine day because the bus stops, the shops, and the streets were all empty. It was all due to the pandemic, the “Corona” virus.
The beautiful and crowded streets had lost their people. The city that was once full of life had suddenly become strangely quiet.
The streets lost their people, and somehow, I lost her too.
Leilani.
A girl who was quite bold, young, beautiful, and amazing, at least so far as I knew her.
She was my best friend.
We had been friends for about eight years. Eight long years, not just a year. Thousands of memories, gossip, secrets, laughter that filled our days with joy, moments that were happy or sad, cringe or emotional.
Everything.
We shared everything.
I, Elias Vale, used to be her best friend.
I?
We?
Or just... she?
We met when we were both in school. We were the same age, in the same class, in the same grade.
She was a vibrant soul. A girl who was always jolly, friendly, and, frankly speaking, loved by many.
And why wouldn’t she be?
She was a loving girl.
Her long, golden hair fell a little above her knees. When we were in school, she used to wear it in two long Dutch braids. Some girls at school made fun of its length, while others admired it.
Her eyes were dark brown.
Russet brown.
Sparkly.
Just like her soul.
The day we became friends was the day I felt lucky to have her in my life.
She was about five feet six inches tall, intelligent, and one of the hardest-working students in our class.
One day, during History class, Madam Natalie asked me a question about the British period. I had forgotten the answer, but Leilani answered it without hesitation.
“Thanks for being my savior today.”
When I saw her in the corridor, I rushed towards her and thanked her.
“It’s not a big deal. We’re classmates. We should help each other.”
She said it with a smile and walked away.
Days passed.
For five months, we barely talked about anything other than a quick “Hi” or “Hello” whenever our gazes met, followed by a casual smile.
Then Leilani herself offered me her friendship, although she wanted me to become better at my studies.
I had already wanted to be friends with her, so I accepted.
And then, we became friends.
With the passage of time, we became good friends.
Elias and Leilani were getting closer.
Not in a bad way.
In the best way possible.
During class, she always helped me with my studies, while during breaks, I used to buy her lunch.
And after school, we used to study together in groups.
Years passed, and we both graduated from school, then moved on to college and eventually university for higher studies.
Our friendship remained the same.
But one more thing had changed.
Our families had become familiar with each other too.
And with that, our friendship became stronger than ever before.
Six years had passed then.
We were getting closer than before.
Or perhaps, I felt something different growing inside me.
I developed feelings for her.
Stronger ones.
Day by day.
I wasn’t only attached to her anymore. There were also desires taking their place in my mind.
I wanted to tell her about my feelings, but then I stopped because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
It was her twenty-second birthday.
Everyone in our friend circle wished her and celebrated the whole night with her.
That day, she wore a fiery red strapless gown. Her lips were colored with cherry-red, shimmery lip gloss. Her long hair was tied beautifully into a single braid, and she wore a crown on her head too.
She looked like a princess.
No doubt.
For the first time, I saw her dressed like that.
Her fair skin seemed to ignite something warm inside me.
The brightness of the lights made her skin look almost like fire.
I felt my heart pounding hard against my chest, as if it were about to break through my ribs.
I put my hand on my chest to control the pounding.
It was completely unintentional.
“I love you, Leilani.”
I said it to her.
The words simply slipped from my mouth.
No other words.
Three words that seemed to stop everything around us.
She froze for a moment.
Then she turned her face towards me.
“Are you for real?”
She rushed towards me and held my right hand. Her eyes brightened like stars shining in a clear night sky.
“Yes. I love you, Lily.”
I said those words to her again, moving her a little closer to me. I tucked her hair behind her ear.
Oh my God.
She blushed upon hearing those words again, her cheeks flushing red.
And then I felt her lips on my left cheek.
She placed a soft kiss there and giggled.
My eyes closed because of her kiss, and when I was about to grab her by the waist to hug her, she ran away.
That was the moment I realized that my feelings weren’t bad enough to ruin the friendship between us.
“Not bad,” I murmured to myself, touching the cheek with my fingertips where she had kissed me.
PRESENT TIME:
You know? Love is something else. It is both delicate like a petal and strong enough to break a human.
I, first thought about her that I really do love her a lot.
Nothing can take place between us or separate us.
We both were happy together. Smiling, laughing, giggling, sharing with each other our problems and trying to solve them.
Cracking weird jokes, eating lunch together or sometimes even dinner too.
We never forgot that: “we are besties before, then anything else.”
That’s was the motto of our relationship.
Days were passing beautifully, yet we didn’t encounter anything before they can’t be solved until that one day.
*******************************************************
Leilani, as usual wore a strapless dress to one of our friend’s engagement party.
This time, it was black and golden long frock and her hair were tied in a bun, perfectly.
Her, collarbone was visible. That strapless dress of hers, truly enhanced her inner beauty.
I saw her. But this time, my gaze wasn’t just fall on her face and on the collarbone.
But also, on the cleavage as well, that was visible from the dress.
“How am I looking?” She came and then stood in front of me and asked about herself, while she twirl to let me see her clearly and properly.
“You’re looking absolutely beautiful and MINE.” I said in a simple tone, yet it made her giggle.
I slightly grabbed her from her waist and my two fingers find their way to the front part of her dress, from where her cleavage was shown.
Due to pulling of the dress, she came closer to me in no time and I placed my mouth on her cleavage line.
I felt her body turned frozen. Cold as ice. There was no heat left in her body to make her go red or something. Instead, she pushed me away and ran away.
I saw there were tears in her eyes too.
“Damn it, I have to control myself.” I realized but then I came to know that she left the party for an unknown reason.
Ah I knew why she left? That was just because of me.
I was trying calling her, but her phone was off.
“Shit.” I stopped the car nearby and then yelled at myself for being too stupid around her today.
I decided to plan a trip to one of her favorite places and then I will be to say Sorry or an excuse to her.
The very next morning, I was at her house.
I rang the bell. Aunt Isabelle (Her mother) opened the door.
“Hey dear, How’re You?” As she opened the door, she welcomed me with a warm smile and then allow me to enter their house.
“What would you like for a breakfast?” She being a good host, asked in the same warm manner.
“I would love to have some but Aunty I’m full. I’m here to pick Leilani. Where’s she?” I stood up from the dinning chair, holding her hands and asked for Leilani.
“She might be in her room. Said that she’s doing her homework.” Aunt Isabelle told me in a happy voice, as she was proud of her intelligent and hard-working daughter.
“So, I will meet her then there. How could she planned to study, where we already decided to enjoy this weekend?” I said in a louder tone, with a bit of anger, disappointment, embarrassing manner to clear myself that we already planned to go outside.
“Okay” I heard her saying okay in a delightful manner and then moved towards her room.
In her room, she was laying on her belly, busy on a call with one of her friends.
When I opened the door of her room, she just titled her a bit, looking at me and then again busy on the call.
“Wait. What? Did she just ignore me?” I asked myself, then looked back at her. Where she completely ignored my presence.
“Okay Emma, Lily will call you sometime later then. She’s busy with me now. Bye” I hanged up the call without listening to another word and turned myself towards her.
There she was. Sitting in front of me. long hair was loose in a way it felt like she didn’t braid them or even combed them.
Her eyes were puffy, swelled like she has been crying for hours.
“Why are you here today?” I heard her voice. It was broken. Heavy.
“We’re going outside to enjoy this weekend.” I said in a happy tone to make the environment felt light.
“Okay.” She replied with one word. Without saying or asking another word, she got up from the bed and moved towards her dressing.
“Hey, you need to know where we are going to? I grabbed her arm, with spotted face she looked up at me.
“I know where we are going right now.” Her tone was filled with anger, she bitted those words as she was to grind me underneath her teeth.
“Okay, so where we are actually going?” I stood in front of her, leaving her arm and folded my arms on my chest.
“To my favorite places, cafes, restaurants, bars and clubs.”She said that in a way that I wasn’t been able to cut her off in between.
“Okay, as per Lily desires.” I heard myself saying this to her.
“Hmm” She hummed and then moved to the bathroom and all I found myself standing alone in the middle of the room.
I was pretty much amazed, by the fact that there was no such hint of last night or what happened between us? Although, her puffy eyes were the proof that she cried all night but still I didn’t ask about it nor she said something.
And this was the first crack between us. Her Silence.
Then we first moved towards her favorite café.
The little bean café.
She was looking at the menu card. while I was wondering what to order.
“So, what do you want?” I asked her
“One black coffee.” She barely looking at the menu card and said that.
“That’s it?” I asked while my eye brows were up for an approval.
“One glazed donut, too” She said while looking at me for the first time in a while.
“What’s that?” I asked her.
“Nothing. It’s just… an interesting combination.”
She smiled. “You asked what I wanted, Elias. Not what made sense.”
I laughed and ordered the same thing for her.
Black coffee. One donut.
I didn’t know it then, but years later, I would remember even that.
Any ways, we had enjoyed that weekend a lot. Full of fun, care free weekend had passed.
Days had passed. My feelings were getting stronger and deeper for her more. Whenever, I think of her, there comes her in a strapless frock or maxi.
Her body mist was floral. She mostly wore long frock but strapless ones the most.
Her sparkly eyes were something that pierced through the soul.
Her lips were normal, but dark pink in shade. Her long lashes were something else beautiful.
There were things about her I had started noticing that I probably shouldn’t have noticed so intensely. The way certain dresses shaped her figure. The way my eyes lingered longer than they used to. The way a simple touch suddenly meant something entirely different to me.
Yet, my body starts responding in a different way. Like one day we were sitting along the river side. She collected some flowers in a basket and was about to made some little and cute bracelets and crowns from them.
I started look at her hands. Her smooth, milky white hands where the green veins were brutally visible.
I wished to touch them with my fingers and then as she was busy making the bracelet, I found my fingers tracing her veins slightly.
She looked at me and passed a smile.
I do it again. I felt that her warm body sending some cold shivers into my body.
“Elias?” She still busy making the flower crown but still called me.
“I wanted to share something about…life after our marriage.” She paused for a moment, waiting for my reaction or response but as, I was tracing my index finger on her shoulder, unable to hear about what she was saying.
“I always wanted to have a small, country side home for myself. Which is fully ventilated and every morning, the front window shows the beautiful scenario.” She continued after a while and the again paused, moved her head towards me and started looking for an expression.
“Sorry, what did you just say?” I was so entangled in my thoughts about her body that I didn’t even listen to what she was saying.
“Nothing special. Forget about it.” She said and smiled.
She made those beautiful bracelets and floral crowns and then gave them to a little girl, as she showed her interest in them. So, Leilani handed her the whole basket of floral bracelets and two crowns.
We sat there for a longer time. But this time, both of us were silent.
Leilani hugged her knees and put her chin over them while looking at the stagnant water of the river. Whereas, I was continuously trying to find a way to distract myself from her but in vain.
Leilani wasn’t wrong about anything. For her, life was beyond relationships, marriages etc.
But one thing that was pretty obvious was that she always kept her things especially her morale, dignity, honor and self-respect at the first place.
For her, one should never compromise on these for anyone else.
Yes, she was right.
One should never. Actually, she wasn’t a girl who can easily be fascinated by some flattering or else sugar-coated words.
She always truly observed others in silence but didn’t ask about anything.
She made her decisions clearly. Perhaps that was why not everyone could find a place in her life.
“Elias, I wanted to go out with Henry and Annie.” She said while braiding her hair and looking in the mirror in front of her.
“But why?” I asked her, my tone suddenly shifted and my brows frowned for a moment.
“I’m exhausted. Want to breathe in the fresh air. Elias” She was now putting the scrunchy in the hair to tie them, while she was looking at me now above her shoulder.
“You can go, Lily” I said, while start moving towards her.
“Do you really remember what was the last time, we clicked pictures together?” She asked me, while folding her hands on her belly and looked at me in a questionable expression.
“Hmmm – Sorry I can’t remember.” I thought about it but still my mind was blank at that time, so I excused her not remembering that.
“The dress, I wore at Emma’s party?” She asked politely, the way she used to talk. Without any other expression on her face.
“And do you remember what we last kissed?” I said in a mischievous tone, grab her from her waist. Moving her closer to me and we kissed.
The kiss was soft, warm and passionate, while she broke it after a while and looked at my eyes.
“Sorry – for not remembering “I whispered but she cut me in between.
“Never mind.” She said softly with a smile and left the room while I was putting my hand in my hairs, trying to overcome my inner feelings, that were stronger enough to ruin both of us.
But yes, my feelings do ruin us. The day, she left for spending time with her cousins, she never missed any second to stay in touch with me.
She sent me her pictures. With Annie, both of them were pouting in one pic.
In another, three of them were holding champagne and toasting together.
Among her pictures, there was a picture of hers, in which she was in a swimming pool, holding tequila in her hand and also a large beach hat.
I saw it once. Then twice, thrice. My heart beat was rapid that moment.
My mind says “it’s wrong”, while my heart says “it’s okay. she’s yours”.
In between mind and heart, Heart wins.
When she spent the whole week with her cousins. She came back home, I received her and drove her home.
She rested the whole day. The next day, I called her to meet me at my house.
She said okay and about 6:45 pm, she arrived at my place.
This time, she wore a simple short frock with baggy jeans. A lip-gloss and mascara.
“Good evening, Elias.” Her tone was cherishing and simple.
“Good evening, Lily.” I wished her back.
“So, why are we here today?” She said while moving towards the book shelf in my room and start looking for the books.
“To spend some-time. Alone. With my fiancé to be.” I stand closer behind her and whispered in her ear and without giving her time to think, I grabbed her arm and then picked up in my lap and moved towards the bed.
We spent the whole night, entangled with each other. there’s no such thing as well that was not good. We enjoyed the night fully. The night was beautiful for us.
For us?
Or for me?
I didn’t know but what I wanted was all what I got. That desire of touching her, the wish to see her in nothing but in my shirt. All came true. The desire and wishes were fulfilled. The dream came true. And I was so happy to lived that moment but I forgot about her.
Slowly and gradually, I was intended to Have her, all the time.
Or else, when were together then we have to spend the time together, probably in my bed.
Five more Months had passed in no time. But in that time, we became more and more physically intact.
Or else, I insisted to.
We both engaged in the last month. Both of our families were happy with it.
And all our friends enjoyed truly our engagement celebrations and parties.
I still remember the day when it was cloudy weather that day. She called me as usually to meet as that was her favorite weather to enjoy.
The little bean café.
We met at the same café again. After many months, she still chose to sit at the window.
It was her favorite place to sit and enjoy the time.
“Do you ever feel like we’re together, but somehow I’m still alone?” I didn’t understand what she was saying, instead I hold her hand.
Thinking that maybe she needs some affection.
“I love you.” I said it to her, while my thumb was slowly rubbing her knuckles.
“I know You do.” She said that and slightly move her hand away from my hand then I ordered some food for both of us and spent the rest of the evening beautifully.
For me, everything’s going smoothly between us. There were no such happened between us that made me think that something’s missing in between us or in the relationship lacking.
Until that day, again at her favorite café.
The Little bean café.
“Elias,” she said quietly after a long silence.
“Hmm?” I looked at her.
“Do you remember the countryside house I once told you about?”
“The one with the big windows?” I frowned, trying to remember.
“Yes. That one.” A faint smile appeared on her lips.
“I remember now.”
She looked down at her coffee.
“I wanted that life with you.”
I reached for her hand again, but this time she moved it away before I could touch it.
“I wanted mornings with you. I wanted us to sit by that window and argue about stupid things. I wanted to grow old with my best friend.” Her voice remained calm, but something inside it had already broken. “But somewhere along the way, Elias, you stopped wanting to know me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“I love you, Lily.”
“I know.”
Those two words made me go quiet.
She looked at me then, and for the first time, I saw something in her eyes that I couldn’t name.
“You always tell me that you love me,” she continued. “And I never doubted you. Not even once. But sometimes I wondered if you loved me, or if you only loved having me.”
I stared at her.
“You noticed my dresses. You noticed my body. You noticed every little thing about the way I looked at you. But did you ever notice when I was sad?”
My throat tightened.
“Did you ever ask why I couldn’t sleep that night?” she continued. “Did you ever wonder why I was crying? Did you remember the things I told you about my future? My dreams? The things I wanted for myself?”
“Leilani…”
“I tried, Elias.” She paused.
“I tried to tell you.”
The café suddenly felt unbearably quiet.
“You were always there,” she whispered. “But somehow, I was always alone.”
I didn’t know what to say.
For the first time, I had no kiss to give her. No touch that could make everything disappear. No easy words that could fix what I had spent so long breaking.
“I don’t hate you,” she said. “And I don’t think you’re a bad person.”
“Then why are you doing this?” Her eyes filled with tears, but none fell.
“Because I don’t want to keep asking someone to see me.”
She stood up.
I remained seated, staring at her.
“Leilani, wait.”
She stopped.
I wanted to tell her I would change. I wanted to promise her everything. The house. The mornings. The life she had once described to me beside the river.
But for the first time, I understood that promises meant nothing when they came after someone had already stopped believing in them.
She looked back at me.
“Take care of yourself, Elias.” And then she walked away.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
PRESENT TIME:
For a long time, I thought I had lost her on the day she finally walked away from me. I thought that was the moment everything ended. But now, when I look back, I realize she had been leaving long before that. She had been sitting beside me, talking to me, trying to tell me about the little things that mattered to her, while I was too busy noticing everything except the things she was actually saying.
I remembered the dresses she wore, the scent of her perfume, the warmth of her skin, the way her hair fell over her shoulders. I remembered all of it. Yet somehow, I had forgotten the little countryside house she once dreamed about. The window she wanted to wake up beside. The life she had tried to imagine with me.
Maybe that was the cruelest part. She never asked me for anything extraordinary. She only wanted to be heard. She wanted someone who would notice when her smile was forced, who would ask why her eyes were swollen, who would remember the little things she told him without having to be reminded.
And every time she tried to reach me, I gave her what I thought was love. A kiss instead of an answer. A touch instead of attention. My presence instead of understanding. I kept telling her that I loved her, and she never doubted it. That was why her words in the café still haunted me. I know you do. She knew I loved her. She just didn’t feel understood by me anymore. I had spent years learning how to look at her, but I had never learned how to truly see her.
The streets had filled again. The shops had reopened. The buses were moving through Los Angeles, carrying people to places they had missed during those silent months. The city had found its rhythm again. And somehow, sitting alone at The Little Bean Café, I found myself staring at the chair across from me, remembering the girl who once sat there and ordered, without hesitation, black coffee and one glazed donut.
“Black coffee. One donut.” I ordered the same thing that day. But the coffee went cold, and the donut remained untouched. I used to think I lost Leilani when she left me. Now I know I lost her much earlier. I lost her every time I chose to want her instead of understand her. Every time she said “Never mind” and I let her. Every time she needed me to listen, and I gave her something else.
She had been sitting right beside me when I lost her.
THE END
