Chapter 1
Following the defeat of the Spanish Armada in 1588, an armed merchant ship named, "Flogging the Pope," flying the English flag was captured by the Spanish galleon, "Cristobal Colon" just north of the Canary Islands. The English lookout apparently had stolen the rum ration of four other sailors, gotten stinking drunk and passed out during his watch allowing the Spanish vessel to come alongside undetected. The English vessel was taken without a shot being fired.
The unfortunate drunken Englishman was named Robert Duckworth. The captured crew, who were all Protestants was brought ashore at the Spanish port of Cadiz to face the Spanish Inquisition. The leader of the Inquisition at Cadiz was the ferocious Cardinal Juan Hippolito Mendoza whose nickname was, "El hombre quien empujar atizador caliente subir tu nalga para divertirse." Translated into English this means, "The man who shoves hot pokers up your ass for fun!" The Cardianl attempted to persuade the Englishmen to recant their belief in Protestanism and profess their allegiance to the Papacy.
Duckworth, who was only partly sober, was the first to be "questioned." Recently released Papal records recalled the events that transpired. Two burly Spanish soldiers pinned Duckworth's arms to a table while a third pulled down his filthy trousers. The Cardinal grabbed a red-hot from the fire and aimed it for Duckworth's ass while beseeching him to recant his Protestant beliefs. Because of the amount of rum he had consumed as well as a diet of mostly beans for the last few weeks at sea, Duckworth was suffering from extreme flatulence. Just as the poker was about to enter his anus, Duckworth passed a copious amount of noxious gas. The gas ignited and caused an enormous, fiery explosion.
The Cardinal's mustache and one eyebrow were completely burned off causing him to constantly look surprised for the rest of his life! Duckworth's hindquarters literally caught fire and he writhed about in extreme agony; his creams echoed through the castle. The kitchen staff, all good Catholics, smiled and nodded in agreement. The zealous Cardinal had converted another heretical Protestant. The three soldiers passed out from the smell. The rest of the English crew ran willy-nilly from the torture chamber and threw themselves out the second story window. Several of them survived the fall and eventually made it back to England but none of them was ever right in the head again.
When the Captain of the Spanish Guard saw what had happened he repeatedly made the sign of the cross and was heard to exclaim,"Maldito nalga agujero del Diablo!" In English this means, "Flaming asshole of the Devil!" Soon after the Captain was sent to a monastery where they specialized in caring for the mentally unstable and criminally insane. He was happy for the most part but shook and sobbed uncontrollably any time someone passed wind. Duckworth was denied medical attention as the Cardianl maintained he was a minion of the Devil. It took three days of excruciating pain before he expired. The room was walled up with brick and mortar thereby sealing the scene of the horrible explosion. For years afterward the soldiers and staff claimed they heard an English voice singing bawdy songs behind the solid wall. Shortly thereafter the Cardianl took a vow of silence and retired to a mountaintop church in the Pyrenees.
