Love isn't Enough

Sitting in Magnus’ most beloved car that he’d finally saved up for during their sophomore year of college, they tried to take it all in. It was completely silent except some kids outside the car, an adorable toddler wobbling as they tried to walk. Alec would have regularly become a mess of cooing and adoring. He always fell in love with kids immediately. Kids somehow always seemed to love him back. Not now, though. Right now, all he could feel was the numbing of the words they’d shared in a moment of total candor.

They weren’t even able to look at each other right now. Magnus and Alec had been together and so perfectly happy since halfway through their junior year of high school. Magnus had came along and saved Alec, not only from himself, but from his abusive relationship with Sebastian. He’d been with Sebastian a year or so before Magnus had moved to their school and they’d become friends. Then, he’d helped Alec out of the situation. Almost a year later, they were together. Three years of being utterly joyful with Magnus.

Three years together that may not mean anything. How was this happening? And so suddenly? Biting his lip in thought, Alec finally felt the tears begin to fall. As hard as he tried to stop them and wipe at them violently, they just kept streaming down his cheeks. Wiping at his eyes, Alec finally looked at Magnus and knew they would have to have this discussion. Now that he knew it was a possibility of them ever going their separate ways.

One minute Alec had been talking about how he envisioned settling down with Magnus and starting a family of their own. They could make such great parents and Magnus was so good to him. He was so fucking in love with the other man. The next minute, Magnus had somehow segued into talking about how he only wanted to travel and how he saw himself living in tiny shitty apartments, never truly settling down.

Alec looked down again and out the window, wiping at his eyes again. Why was he so stupid to think anyone would want to spend forever with him? Especially the gloriously perfect Magnus Bane? He sniffled and ran his hand through his hair, trying to get his breathing under control. Now wasn’t the time for another attack.

“I- I didn’t even know that that was- that was something you wanted. I-” Alec stuttered, feeling his face flush. How could he have been stupid to put his heart on the line again? No. No. Magnus wasn’t like Sebastian. Magnus loved him. Magnus was good for him and they loved each other and he treated him perfectly. This had nothing to do with that. This was about something totally different. It was still fucking heart-wrenching to the core, but it wasn’t about love. Alec suddenly realized love wasn’t always enough. “I’m sorry.”

Magnus had never meant to break Alexander Lightwood’s heart.

But as Alec stared at him with tears on his cheeks and eyes that were pleading, he knew he’d done just that.

Magnus had never meant to tell Alec about the wanderlust he felt deep in his soul. The urge he’d always had to disappear off the grid in some country only to see what their world was like. Maybe the world was more tolerable than theirs. It had been something that had hit him during senior year of high school, but he’d put it off because he knew he wanted college done first and plus he had the world’s best boyfriend at the moment so why leave? He’d never really planned on Alec staying with him another four years and for them to just keep getting better.

He knew Alec wanted kids. It was obvious from the start that Alec was big on family and that he loved kids. Every time a toddler came into view Alec got the biggest grin on his face became ridiculously adorable. Magnus wasn’t a monster and he could see the appeal of small hands and feet with huge innocent eyes. He knew children were sweet and kind and such a relief from the adult world. He also knew that kids weren’t for him. He didn’t want any of his own. He didn’t want to raise one or more of them. They were like puppies in a window, cute to look at but at the end of the day he was still a cat person.

Even with this stark difference Magnus had never meant to vocalize his feelings. He would let Alec have a kid, if that was what he wanted. He’d thought he could play the role and still have his beautiful Alexander. The older he got and the closer his life was looming ahead of him he realized that playing some role might kill him inside.

“Maybe we could have both,” Magnus was trying to put off the conclusion Alec seemed like he had already decided on. “We could travel for a few years and see so many fascinating places. We haven’t bought an apartment yet and we could take off for a while. Never is a long time Alexander, and I never said never. I’m just saying right now I-I want more.”

The Idea of not having Magnus by his side hurt more than anything. Alec had come to associate them together no matter what- everyone had. It wasn’t just Alec anymore, it was Magnus and Alec. It’d always been Magnus and Alec and he had no idea how one dealt with the loss of that magnitude.

He also suddenly realized that Magnus had never truly been as excited as he had about the idea of kids or a family. He maybe had imagined it? Maybe Magnus had gone along with it for his sake? Alec’s tears had at least subsided for now as he had come to control it.

Sitting there, playing with his hands, Alec didn’t know how one even went about this. This was something most couples talked about before they got serious, wasn’t it? He always assumed they were on the same wavelength about it because Alec had always been open about what he wanted. How did he never know Magnus wanted something different? Why had Magnus let him go on believing this until this moment in time? Not that Alec blamed him at all. It was as much Alec’s fault for assuming.

“Did you ever even want kids, Magnus? A family? Because if that’s not something you want, we- you shouldn’t pretend, right? And you- I mean, I just-” Alec’s voice broke and he stopped, fighting back the tears that wouldn’t seem to reside as he thought of what losing Magnus Bane would mean.

Alec’s voice breaking made his heart skip a few beats and he felt horrible for having said anything. He should have just played along, and then maybe he would have warmed up to it after some time. Instead he had to go and break Alec’s heart apart like it was his to break.

“Ever is a long time Alec,” Magnus told him quietly. “I…We would be a family. You’ve always been my family.” The mere sentence choked him up as he remembered meeting Alec his first day back after leaving because of his mother’s suicide. His dad had left them long ago, and then when she had left, too, well, he’d been so very alone. “I have a lot of…doubts about me raising a kid. I don’t doubt for a minute that you’d be great, but it’s me that’s a problem.”

Somehow managing to hold back the tears that had been brimming his eyes again, Alec stared at Magnus. The moment the other man got choked up, he felt his heart drop and the tears were suddenly falling freely. He knew exactly what Magnus was thinking about when he talked about Alec being his family and it was a painful memory, even to Alec. He didn’t break his gaze on Magnus.

“That’s not an answer, Mags. Please, just- please just be honest. We both deserve that, at least,” he mumbled, knowing he needed an answer. They needed this answer to determine so much. Too much. Alec’s chest hurt as he watched for Magnus’ response.

“How am I supposed to answer when I know that what I say may make you walk away?” Magnus felt tears slipping down his own cheeks as the real answer echoed in his mind. He didn’t want kids. He’d never wanted them. It wasn’t something he’d pictured his future with Alec. He pictured them in a nice apartment somewhere back from another adventure. They had a cat or two by now. It was a simple future but a bright one.

“Alexander, my father has anger problems. You know this. I could have those same problems. How do you want to bring a kid into that? I want a cat Alec. I want us to have the apartment of our dreams and have a few cats to play with. I don’t want you to leave.”

Hearing Magnus’ words, Alec had to at least appreciate that he’d been honest, finally. He could completely understand where his boyfriend was coming from about bringing a child into this mess. Maybe for Magnus, that was the defining reason to not have kids. Alec always knew Magnus would be great at whatever he did, even being a parent. But if he didn’t want that, Alec would never ever push that. He’d just never had to think about whether Magnus wanted kids or not because he’d assumed he knew him well enough. Obviously he was wrong.

“I’m sorry, Magnus,” he choked out, unable to fight the sob at this awful situation they’d somehow found themselves in. “I love you so fucking much and god knows I don’t want to leave you, either, but- is this- I mean- I’m not good for you if you’re going to pretend to be happy having kids for so long. It’d only end if such resentment, Mags. I love you too much for that. But I don’t know what to do?” By the end of his ramble, he was full on sobbing and shaking all over. He couldn’t leave Magnus. It wasn’t a possibility. Right? Magnus’s tears picked up their pace as Alec started to sob and he knew this was the beginning of their end. Alec wasn’t going to give on this. Either he lied and said he wanted kids, or Alec walked away from him forever.

“Why do we have to decide this today?” Putting this off wasn’t a good thing but Magnus was desperate. “I could have kids with you. I could do anything with you.” It was the truth. Magnus could do anything with Alec by his side. “I don’t know if I don’t want them; I’m worried about having them. It’s different. You don’t need to walk away from me. I don’t know what you want me to say. Please, Alexander, please don’t….” Magnus ended up in the same state as Alec, clutching onto his hand tightly.

God, he wished they could put this off forever, but it seemed they’d already been doing it for way too long now. It hurt so fucking much already and if they put it off any longer only to break it off then, they’d both be eternal wrecks. They couldn’t do that.

“You know we can’t, Mags,” Alec cried gently, and clutched his lover’s hand back just as tightly. It seemed they were holding onto each other for dear life. “I-If we put this off anymore, it’ll only be so much wo-” he broke off, voice breaking again. He couldn’t even speak properly. Taking a long moment to try desperately to get himself together, even in the slightest, Alec finished, “I just wanted honesty and y-you did and now- I think we’re too different to ever be truly happy with the lives we each want, you know? I don’t want to be with someone who gave up their life and called it love.”

How was this happening? Magnus and him rarely even fought. Alec remembered very few arguments, but it was all normal couple stuff. They got over it and moved on together to become even stronger. They were so perfect together. Except this, apparently. Where had this come from? This had to be a nightmare. He’d surely wake up soon.

Magnus knew Alec had made up his mind. He also knew that he was right. They couldn’t sit here and ignore their polar opposite desires. He’d be okay in the end. He would have to be.

“So we….we need to end things.” This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real for them. It was truly unthinkable. This happened to other couples after high school. Hell, most of their friends and changed relationships half a dozen times in the last four years. They were different, or at least they had kid themselves into thinking they were. “How are we supposed to walk away from this? We share friends and interests and we have hardly spent more than an hour apart the whole time I’ve known you. I fall asleep to you voice most of the time. How am I supposed to just separate it all?”

At those words, Alec was holding back sobs again. He and Magnus weren’t supposed to ever end things. They were endgame. They always had been. They’d been the couple everyone knew would grow old together and tell stories of their years together. They were the power couple, the couple to be idolized for their strength and devotion. Magnus was his everything and he had no idea how he was supposed to meet anyone else and have kids or a family or anything remotely happy.

“I don’t know that I can do this, Mags. You- Maybe we don’t have to have kids. We can do the cat thing and I can see us being perfectly happy because it’s us together like we always are. I-” Alec sniffled and bit his lip, looking pleadingly at Magnus. How was this happening? “I can’t possibly find anything like what I have with you ever and I don’t want it with anyone else. I just want you. I’ve only ever wanted you.” He could surely go with Magnus’ ideal life and be happy, right? Magnus and him were always happy as long as they were together, so it would be okay no matter what. Right?

The minute Alec went back on his decision, Magnus’ immediate and illmade response was to admit that they would be happy. That Alec and he could do anything and be happy if they were just together. He wanted to let Alec go back on his reasons and their previous doubts. He wanted Alec to stay with him. Magnus knew he would be being selfish if he let Alec go back on this. This was too important to his lover and Magnus eventually decided he could not ever do that to Alec.

“We might be happy, love, but you’ll never have what you’ve always wanted. Like you said, that lie of a life would only end in us hating each other. You would never have kids or a real family and I know for a fact you’ll become unhappy, even if you pretend otherwise for a while. I know you far too well to believe that you would ever be happy in that life,” Magnus reminded him, chuckling bitterly through a sob.

“A life with you?” Alec asked with a pleading voice. His face was one of begging and he squeezed Magnus’ hand. Why was this happening to them? “Magnus, I- I don’t want this. I just want you. I-” He knew the other man was right, but he really wished he wasn’t. He really wished this was a nightmare. He could deal with waking up in tears and whimpers if this had been a dream, but he knew it was their reality now. Wrapping his arms around the other, Alec pulled him tightly against him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Alexander Lightwood, so much,” Magnus choked out and returned the embrace, trying to no avail to stop the damn tears. It was then that they knew they’d come to a mutual agreement and it hurt like hell.