Remembrance

Shane smiled a bit as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. His black hair was gelled and styled back, and he was dressed in black jeans, red button up and black blazer. Nothing too fancy. He tucked his chain inside his shirt and fixed his collar once again. He put on his favourite wrist watch, the one that Tyler had gifted him when they were seniors in high school. Shane was in his second year of university now.

‘Someone’s gonna get laid tonight!’ he chuckled as he remembered the comment Tyler usually made whenever Shane dressed well.

The two were scarily similar and yet polar opposites. Both of them were like brothers. The type that will continuously insult and make fun of them, but won’t accept it if anyone else did that.

Shane wondered what to buy for him. He settled for roses. Tyler loved roses. Shane didn’t care about the conduct. Tyler loved roses, and he was getting him that.

After deciding the flowers, Shane gingerly placed them on the passenger seat, scared to hurt them. If they could really get hurt. But if anything, he didn’t want them to lose their beauty before he showed them to Tyler.

Maybe he was being a fan girl, but to be true, Tyler was the only one he would do all this for.

“Are they for your girlfriend?” The florist had asked. Her eyes were kind and old. The kind that Shane imagined Tyler to have when he grew old. Kind and old and mischievous. Always upto something. Hiding a friend's secret or planning world domination, no one really knew what was going on in his head.

He was a nerd. Actually, both of them were nerds. Tyler was the one who didn’t care about his image. He was nerd, he would act like one.

He was interested in sports, he would play like he meant it.

He was the type of guy you see in stories. The perfect guy with a heart warming smile. With God-gifted looks and an annoying personality that never failed to get under Shane’s skin.

But even then, Tyler knew that he never hated Shane. He loved being with him. Even those annoying remarks and that know-it-all smirk.

As he approached Tyler, he remembered his reply to the florist. “Nah. For my best friend.”

'Must be a lucky one!' she had responded.

He smiled a bit as he stared at the spot where Tyler was supposed to be. Under that gravestone. Under all this. Inside a coffin.

He placed the flowers in top of the grave and tried to wipe off the tear that was flowing down his cheek.

‘Hey, Gorgeous! Can I get your number?’ the compliments echoed in the back of Shane’s mind as he kneeled next to the grave. He didn’t care about getting his pants dirty. The tears he had wiped, started welling up again.

“I’ve kept my promise, Tyler.” Shane broke into tears as the name brought all the memories he didn’t want to remember. The ones he tried hard to push to the back of his mind. The ones he shared solely with Tyler. The ones that reminded him that Tyler had left him all alone, like the little hurricane he was.

The memories flooded his mind as he stopped trying to stop the tears. They were too much. Even as he wiped the tears away, fresh ones followed soon after. It was a vicious cycle.

“Look, what you d-did to me.” Shane demanded, staring at the name Tyler Smith engraved in stone. Shane rarely got angry. But then again, Shane rarely found someone he could bare his soul to.

“The guy that never showed his weakness to anyone eelse, is on his knees,...in front of a...g-grave..” Shane couldn’t continue. He just couldn’t do that. "A fucking grave." He mumbled quietly.

He was losing it. He was here for rememberance. For paying his respects to the now deceased Tyler. For reminiscing all the good memories he had with him.

But what was he doing exactly? Losing it. His temperament. His cool. His best fucking friend.

‘You’re crying? You can cry on my shoulder, you know? Just don’t get snot on my blazer!’

Tyler was there for him when Shane needed him. Even on the days when Shane kept his pains to himself.

So why not now? Why did the universe snatch him away from Shane. They couldn’t do it! They just can’t!

“Ash got himself a girlfriend. She’s nice and c-cute. You know, like the girl I had back in junior year?” Shane wiped his tears by the back of his hand. His vision was still blurry. He couldn’t read the name anymore.

“You know you really messed me up.” Shane whispered, pushing his hand over his mouth to muffle the cries. He didn’t want to cry. He really didn’t. But that’s not something you have control over. "Sometimes, I wish we had never met. If we had never met, this loss wouldn't be tearing me apart right now," Shane placed hand over his heart where it ached the most.

“You deserve better than that chick. Wasn’t that w-what you said?” Shane made no efforts to stop the tears from falling on the grave stone that was supporting his entire being. The one that held under him, the guy who was there for Shane through thick and thin.

“I’m fine now. I’m doing my best at gett….” Shane whimpered quietly. He was crying. He did not want to cry anymore. It just made him feel hollow. Like someone was pulling away the parts of him that were important to him. Like they snatched Tyler away.

He felt pathetic. He was stumbling through the words, hiccuping with tears and stuttering like a fucking three year old. He hated himself like this. He hated what he became after Tyler was gone.

“I’m doing my best at getting back to n-normal. If I can call it normal.” Shane frowned as he stared at Tyler’s grave, the one thing he didn’t want to ever see in his life.

‘The world is way too wrong. Maybe to encompass our wrongs, maybe to cover up its own flaws.’

“Yes, the world is definitely wrong. But it isn’t….it isn’t beautiful anymore.” Shane blinked back the tears.

“Four weeks since my life turned upside-down. Four weeks since I’ve been living in denial. Four weeks since I began thinking that they mistook your body and that somewhere out there, you’re still alive.” The tears fell down again. They were the streams with nothing to hold them back.

The self-restraint was gone. It was replaced by a sadness that was all Shane felt with the emptiness of his heart.

“I was waiting for you. Like that time when everyone thought you were missing and you were hiding at a friend’s place. That friend wasn’t me. You know how worried I was? I thought that you were just playing a prank. That the news was false. You couldn’t be d-dead.” He just couldn't die. Tyler was the main character who everyone loved. How could he die?

Shane heard the birds chirping and the wind swishing past him. Yet, he wasn’t able to fully comprehend it. His whole world ended four weeks ago, and yet the world around him was continuing like normal?

“I’m going at my friend’s place. I’m going to gym four-five days a week. I’m at the top of my class. I visited Anya too. She is f-fine. She looks like she cries herself to sleep.”

Anya was Tyler’s younger sister, the one who received the full affection of all three; Tyler, Shane and Ash. "You hurt your sister, you fucking piece of shit!"

“I-I am doing whatever I would normally do. Going to classes, going to parties. Even when my voice cracks in the middle of a sentence or when tears, yes tears, m-moron, when the tears well up in my eyes. Even then, I continue like nothing happened. After all…” but he couldn’t lie in front of Tyler. He knew Shane like the back of his hand. And so did Shane. He knew that no matter how the two were like, Tyler wouldn’t have ever wanted to die.

“I’ll take care of Anya. I’ll do anything you want me to do. Just...just please come back.” Shane didn’t have the guts to wipe his tears anymore. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him or if anyone made fun of his feelings. He wanted Tyler back.

And yet, he knew how impossible his desire was.

“S-Sorry, I got sidetracked.” Shane regained his composure, the remnants of the tears still present in his eyes. “I’m doing...fine. Although it’s still not good enough. The others have almost...moved on. It’s like you...never existed. Sometimes, Ash gets this glazed over look in his eyes. I think he misses you too.”

The fresh surge of warm tears washed over his cheeks like lava, threatening to burn his existence.

“But how can I move o-on? You know… I don’t...want to live in a world that doesn’t have you, anymore. Why did you make me like this? Why did you have to ruin me like this Tyler!"

Shane broke down again. He felt the wind numb his exposed skin. He felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around but saw no one. None at all.

He chuckled. A chuckle punctuated with a sob.

“Even in death, you wouldn’t stop teasing me?” The grin remained, despite the tears running down like raindrops on a windowsill. Steadily downwards. “I like it that way. Disturb me all you want. I'm not going to move on."