Pride

Come on Celest it’s about that time to rise and shine that ass to school. It’s senior year, and not a damn thing will rain on our parade.

As I start to open my eyes my mom barges into my room and rips open the blinds. Just seconds before my phone alarm starts to ring.

“Get up Celest! You need to get ready and get downstairs so we can do morning devotion before breakfast.”

“Come on mom. Don’t you think I’m capable enough to wake up on my own?”

This lady insists on waking me up with a daily heart attack, and it adds on to the list of things that trigger my anxiety. I could never tell her this because you know most black parents believe if you don’t pay bills, taxes, have a job or kids to worry about you shouldn’t be depressed or have anxiety.

“Of course, I think you are capable, but you’re my child and I’m more reliable than that damn phone. Now chop chop we’re already late, and you need prayer before school.”

I roll up and out of bed to head to bathroom to get dress and do all my necessities. As I head downstairs, I hear Kirk Franklin blasting in the kitchen, and the smell of eggs and pancakes infiltrating my nose. As I find my peace at the dining table my older brother rushes down the stairs, half dressed, ran into the kitchen and stuffed a pancake in his mouth with some eggs.

“You know Elias you never fail to disgust me… you know that right”

He turns to me as he’s pouring syrup into his mouth, and he just glares. Elias is the only person in the family who knows about my sexuality… my hidden one. I let him use my laptop one day, and he went to through my search history. Ever since then he’s been holding it over my head. I fucking hated him for it.

“Cut that shit Celest. Come one we need to leave. I gotta be at school early.”

“You see me eating Eli you can wait 10 minutes.”

He stalked over to me, grabbed my plate, and threw it in the garbage.

“I said let’s go. Now.”

I wouldn’t let him see me cry. I knew I should be treated like this. Everything was fine before he found out, and I didn’t know how long he would hold this against me. My mom comes downstairs and sees our standoff.

“Ooooo look at my babies. I know we didn’t get to do devotion this morning, but we will definitely do that tonight.”

She pulls us in close and whispers a little prayer before sending us out the door.

Elias ended up stopping at dunkin and buying breakfast for himself and eating it as we drove to school. As Elias, and I are getting close to the school. Just about a mile away he stops the car and tells me to get out.

“Excuse me?”

“Get out the car. I’m not gonna pull up to school with a fag for a sister. You’re lucky I drove your ass this close.”

“Elias you have got to be joking. I’m not a fag. I’m your sister. It doesn’t make my sexua-“

He gets closer to my face, and then he grabs it.

“GET. OUT.” He reaches across and opens the door before unbuckling my seat belt and practically pushing me out.

When Elias drove off, I immediately started walking. What if everyone finds out. Will they treat me the same as Elias? You would think it couldn’t get any worse. I mean Eli is family, and at the end of the day they’re supposed to have my back.

After almost half an hour of slow walking I made it to school. Drenched in sweat, and completely miserable. I put on a brave face as I see my friend Jackie in the distance because she can read me like a freaking book and make my way over to her.

“Morning Jackie!” I go into to give her a hug, but she stops me.

“Your brother has been her for like 20 minutes now… where have you been?”

I almost didn’t want to look her in the eyes. She’s the only person outside my family that knows that I’m Pansexual.

“He made me walk again, and skip breakfast.”

“I’m going to go over there and beat his jock-ass.”

“God dammit Jackie! Wait!”

I was almost too late. I had to drag her into the courtyard with the vending machines before she made it over to him on the field. I could see him the distance, and I guess he saw me to because he flicked me off before continuing whatever the hell he was doing.

“Jackie you can’t just beat him up. He’s basically untouchable. You know people will want to know why Jackie Johnson ran up on the number one athlete in the damn school, and then Eli will have a damn reason to out my ass!”

I visibly see Jackie calm down before I left go of her.

“You know you don’t deserve this right…”

I tell her I know I don’t deserve it, but deep down I feel like I do. If I just didn’t find other than the male gender attractive none of this would be happening right now. I couldn’t eat breakfast in peace and go to school in peace without wondering if those whispers are about me because my brother could give less of shit about me. The bell rang just in time for me to not spiral down into my thoughts.

The final bell rings, and I walk out to be bum rushed by the flow of students trying to leave for the 3-day weekend. I get out to the out to the senior parking lot and walk over to my brother’s car hoping he would let me drive home with him. I get close to his car and see all his friends packed around the car.

“Hey Eli?” Literally everyone stops talking and turns to me at that point I just wanted to disappear.

“What do want?”

“Can you take me home… not now, but whenever you’re ready to leave… please?”

His friends look back to him as he walks towards me, but they continue their conversation.

He gets in my face, grabs my shoulders, and turns me around so I’m not facing him. He gets close to my ear and whispers.

“You would think that you got the idea when I made you walk today. You aren’t getting back in my car, so walk away before I tell my friends some facts ’bout you.”

I didn’t bother turning back after he pushed me away, and I started walking off of campus. Maybe I should Just tell him I’m not gay anymore. That we can just move past it, and it was just a stupid phase. I stop walking and hold my head up before my tears came down. “I know I can’t even lie to myself like that.”

“CELEST?!” I turn around and see Jackie’s girlfriend Marisa yelling my name out her car window, then I see Jackie pop her face out the same window.

“Get in this car girl! You should have texted me if that ass wipe was making you walk again!”

I walk across the street and got in the car to cease all the yelling. Jackie didn’t give me the chance to buckle up before berating me with questions.

“Hold up Jackie! Let me breathe.” I hear the satisfying click and took a deep breath and releasing it. “Yes Jackie. How may I help you?”

“What did he say to you?! I swear if he said anymore out of pocket shit we are turning this shit around right now and run his ass down with it.” It’s always funny to see Jackie all pumped up because she just so small it’s like she’s a Tasmanian devil. With all that curly hair that she swings around when she’s upset.

“Babe chill out. I’m not going to murder anyone with my car. Now either get in the back or sit down before you get me a damn ticket for having a child in the front seat.”

Marisa is the only person I know that can calm Jackie down. Jackie looks up to her and says a quiet okay before getting in the back with me.

“Girl I’m fine. He just not letting me get in his car anymore… more walking for me. Yay.” The sarcasm dripping from my voice made this Tasmanian devil even more upset. “Jack Jack I’ll be fine, okay?”

She doesn’t seem to believe me, but she got this wicked smile on her face. “Guess what this weekend it?”

I immediately get upset and turn my back to her. Marissa pulls up to my house, and Jackie gets out with me. I guess to finish our conversation.

“Marcy pick me up later. I’m gonna stay here for a while.”

“Alright babe, just call me.”

I turn to walk to the door as I hear them kissing. A bit of jealously rises in me, but I ignore it.

We both get in and say hi to my mom while we head upstairs.

“You know I can’t go, yet you bring it up every year.”

Pride. Pride is an event I’ve always wanted to go to, but I just never wanted people who know me to see me there.

“Actually, if you would let me finish my thought it’s in Miami babe. A whole 7 hours away, no one would know who you are so you would just enjoy yourself for the whole weekend.”

“Jackie how the hell am I supposed to convince my mom that I’m going 7 hours way for a gay pride event.”

“You don’t of course.”

“I’m sorry come again?”

“Don’t tell mommy dearest the truth. Just tell her you’re staying with me for the long weekend, and we can pack and leave tonight!”

Jackie is smiling like a psycho while I’m actually considering lying to my mom.

“Let’s do it… lets go to pride!”