Chapter 1
I Wish Sunsets Would Last Longer
This is a preview chapter, of sorts. Let me know what you think of the book. If people are interested, I'd love to continue it and post more. I haven't had this beta read yet, so I'm not sure if it's any good, but I wanted to get direct thoughts from you (my readers) because I care about your opinions tons. Let me know what your thoughts and that are, thank you! xx
PREVIEW-CHAPTER 1
I wish sunsets would last longer.
The disappoint following the fading of the reds and oranges and yellows, so on so forth, is brutal. Tragic really. It’s an inescapable sinking feeling that settles in the dust-covered crevices of your chest. It’s uncomfortable, ugly.
“The foods here, Dan!” The voice seemed so far away but I knew it came from just outside the window.
Footsteps pattering back where they came from sounded loud through my ears. I sighed, taking the last drag of my withering cigarette. The ash fell to the rooftop slowly, adding to the already decent sized pile. Crushing it begrudgingly against the hard surface, I forced myself to get up.
The sun was already deep below the horizon, earth dark and sky a drowning navy. The stars scattered the scene, light bright but ever dimming in my eyes. I tossed the fag off the rooftop, letting it fall to the ground I’m sure was waiting to catch it.
Heaving myself up, I blew out an indifferent breath. My back leg got caught on the windowsill, subjecting me to curse a decent amount of times. The window slammed shut with an unnecessarily loud slam but I wasn’t bothered to care. I stripped the jumper covering me, settling in the loose t-shirt instead.
I couldn’t help but throw a last goodbye to the window and the sky as I walked out of the bedroom. The tightness of my chest was ever-present in the darkest places. The rocks hidden behind my ribs shook and the tar covering the underside of my lungs grew thicker. I shook my head, remembering the reason I came back inside and setting back on my path to the kitchen. The acid taste in my mouth was potent.
I wish sunsets would last longer.
**
“Mate, not to be a burden or that,” I rolled my eyes, letting the excess smoke escape my teeth.
“Seems like you’re about to be one.” Josh wasn’t fazed by my comment. “Right, but you really should cut back on the cigs. You smoke like, what, twelve fags a day? That’s a fuck ton if you haven’t noticed.
“I have, cheers.” I smiled wryly, making a point to take my next drag dramatically long.
“Well then stop being a fucking div and cut back a few. You know your mum wanted-” The fire beneath my skin scorched the air particles surrounding me.
“Don’t talk about my mum.” I snapped.
“Then don’t do things that instigate the mentioning of her.” He rolled his eyes and ran a tired hand through his hair. “You know just as well as I do that she wouldn’t want to see you like this.” The air grew thicker, and not due to the smoke diving into my lungs.
I closed my eyes and let the back of my head meet the hard brick behind me. My fingers dug into the palm of my hand, crescents sure to be visible in a few minutes time. The cigarette I had been set on was long gone, strewn against the floor carelessly where I had dropped it at some point.
“Well, it’s not like she’s here to see me like this, yeah?” My words were biting but my tone far from it. Josh sighed, crossing his arms and leaned his shoulder against the wall while his form studied mine.
“That’s a shit defence and you know it.” I could only bring myself to let out a deprecating chuckle. “What about the girls? Ed and Ben?” The air turned colder than it already was. “You can’t keep on like this and expect them not to pick up on it. Not to follow your-”
“I get it, Josh! I fucking get it, alright? I’m a shit son and even more shit brother. I can’t go an hour without a cigarette and I can’t keep myself together enough to walk down the fucking stairs without losing the plot.” My chest heaved for multiple reasons before I spoke again.
My fingertips were itching to get rid of the dirt tucked behind my nails. Head buzzing to ease the pain swallowing it. The sky was littered with stars burning bright as ever but it darkness encompassed me entirely. I tried fighting the overwhelming waves crashing down on me but it was to no avail.
“What do you want me to do?”
It was quiet. The wind didn’t sing and the streets were dead. Trees had stopped talking and all that was left to be heard was the deteriorating form of myself.
“Stop waiting for the sun to set to shade in the colours.”
**
“You’re as poetic as you are blind, Dan.” Andrew laughed and tossed a pillow up only to catch it again soon after.
“Christ, I should have known not to come to you with this.” I groaned.
“No, no, hold on a mo’,” He sat up, clapping his hands together before letting his elbows resting on his knees so he was leaning forwards. “I think it’s pretty obvious what he’s telling you.”
I raised my eyebrow up, “Yeah? Enlighten me.” Andrew snorted, shaking his head.
“You need to get your shit together, Dan.” I flipped him the bird. “Wait. I wasn’t finished,” He quipped, “You’ve got to get your shit together and-” I narrowed my eyes at him. “And you need to stop relying on other things to make you happy.”
“I don’t-”
“Yes you do,” His look was sharp enough to keep me from protesting. “You used to love life so much.” His eyes held a wistful tint.
“People change.” I crossed my arms over my chest and settled further into the sette. “I changed.” I tacked on softly.
“But for better or for worse?”
**
“El, I told you I’m fine, alright? I’ll be home for a roast tomorrow.” A disgruntled sigh came from the other end of the phone.
“You’re always fine, aren’t you?” She was silent for a moment. “Littles miss you. I miss you. You know this hasn’t just been tough on you.”
I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose tightly. I took a heavy breath and shook my head. “I know.” The wind cracked against the roof outside. “How are they?” I paused, “The littles, I mean.” Sentence coming out quieter than the rest.
I found silence in return of my question, which was fair with how I’d been acting. “Well, they lost their mum and then lost their big brother as well. I’d say they’re proper chuffed, wouldn’t you?” The bite attached to her tone was more than apparent, red flaring through the phone.
“I’m sorry,” I say because I don’t know what else to offer to help bandaid the dam I’ve caused to break. “I’m so fucking sorry, alright? I didn’t mean for things to end up this way.”
“But they did.” Eleanor’s voice is softer around the edges. “They did, and we’re too far past the start to go back now.” I nod, murmuring an unintelligible agreement. “So where are you going to go from here? What are you going to do now?”
I close my eyes, squeezing them tight enough that I’m afraid my eyelids might just mould together. Though, I’m not sure I’d really be opposed to that. Things would be so much easier if everything was just dark, the world I’ve known swallowed by an inescapable abyss of black.
But it can’t be that way. I don’t want to escape. I do, but not like that, not now. I can do this for now. I can make things better, I can mend the glass I’ve shattered. Pick the shards out of screaming skin and bleeding hearts and bring it back together, make it like it was before. Make the edges soft again and the souls it holds whole.
“ ’M going to paint things back to the colours they were before. Draw up the trees the ways they’re supposed to be.” The soft breaths flowing into my speaker lets me know my sister is still on the line. “I’ll make the sunsets last longer.”
