Inmate 1307

"Uuuuuuuuwui!" was the ear piercing scream that anounced the exodus of my obesed friend Chebet with her two equaly obesed daughters, a frail mother, a mute house help and a suspicious cat from their two bedroom apartment on the first floor to my fifth floor bed-sitter. It meant that "Pharaoh", the husband from hell was hot on their heels spewing profanities that proved his remarkable knowledge of all the synonyms of a certain part of the female reproductive system. The annoying scream also meant that I would be sleeping on the floor, legs kicking at pots and pans because my very comfortable 4 by 6 bed, three-sitter sofa and a bean-bag chair would be surrendered to the ''children of Israel''. It was going to be a sleepless night of being an unwilling blood donor to mosquitos and never hearing the end of how Pharaoh would be divorced.

"Uuuuuuuwui!" from the sound of it, it would take them about twenty minutes to make it to my floor, them being obesed, frail, suspicious and all and the stoned Pharaoh taking two steps forward and one backward. It's a pity that Nairobi's Eastlands apartments doesn't have elovators to carter to such kind. I rolled a mat on the available space on the floor, shuddering at the thought of the uncomfortable and sleepless night awaiting me. I then took my position behind the widely opened door, waiting to slam it in Pharaoh's face once the children of Israel make it safely past it.

The embarrassing choice words thrown at me by Pharaoh from behind my closed door wasn't new at all. It was what I got each time the "helpless" refugees sought asylum in my humble home and always stoped when the stoned husband ran out of the colourful vocabularies or blacked out.

I managed to get a wink of sleep that was rudely interrupted by my alarm clock signalling me to hightail it out of there if I were to still pay my never ending bills. I took a quick scan of my humble abode and almost fainted at what met my sleep deprived eyes. My refrigerator had been swept clean, dirty dishes were scattered all over the place and a very wet smelly and sticky present had been left on my bean-bag chair, definately by the very suspicious cat. After eating my food that was to last me for a month, that's how they repaid me before sneaking back to Egypt.......

Never again. NEVER!.

"Uuuuuuuuuwui!" It was barely a week later and there she was at it again.

"Uuuuuuuuuuwui!"

I bolted the door, pushed my three-seater couch against it and added my fifty kilograms weight on it. I then stuffed tissue papers in my ears unaware that Chebet's unpolished scream could pierce through them.

'If they think they are getting past my red sea this time, they're in for a rude sho-'

"Uuuuuuuuwui! Uuuuuuuuwui! Open the door Neeeeema!" the annoying scream rudely interrupted my thoughts.

"Aaaaagh! For crying it out loud Chebet, how many are you? Six against one. How much do you weigh again? Two hundred killograms? One ninenty without the repulsive wig and poncho sweater that you always have on? Don't you think you'll be saving us alot of trouble and noise pollution by just sitting on your barely fifty killograms stupid husband?" I shouted back while removing the tissues that I had stuffed in my ears 'cause they weren't helping at all.

My words managed to shock everyone to silence until a few minutes later when Pharaoh remembered to exercise his muscles on his fat punching bag. It was unfortunate for him though 'cause one punch later, I heard a loud thud followed by a painful groan and I knew instantly that Chebet had heeded my advise.

"Yes Chebet, fart on his face," a frail malicious voice encouraged and my jaw droped to the floor. For an old African woman to encourage her daughter to do such an abomination to his son-in-law.....................

There was a sickening meowing of a cat then I heard, "Good pussy cat, make sure he does not reproduce ever again."

Me,".......!"

"Bad bad daddy, Mommy teach him a lesson, bad father, you'll go to hell," Some two fat girls were angrily chanting.

"Pinch him harder, mama. Yes Let his ancestors feel the kicks, Enfrancia," I could only imagine the fierce look on the mute girl's face while she was mercilessly kicking at pharaoh's whatever.

"You are doing very well ladies and cat. Keep it up," I shouted as I headed to my bed feeling like a gold medal winner. I could have swon that I was second to King Solomon in terms of wisdom that day. To give an advise that actualy works is no walk in the park hehe. Nothing could wipe the stupid grin on my face and for the first time in eight months since Chebet and Co. became my neighbours, I had a very good night sleep.

"W-what happened n-next?" asked the fidgeting nerdy reporter who kept adjusting his round rimmed specs. His soft black hair was messed up 'cause he kept running his hands through them whenever he blushed which was a lot. He was dressed funny as if he threw on whatever his hands picked from clothes thrown all over his room in his parent's house. Yes, a shy person like him could not survive alone out there let alone hit on a girl.

"E-earth to Neema. N-neema?"

"Aww you're cute stuttering like that," I teased and he blushed profusely.

"Okey back to our story. The following morning which was on a weekend, a loud banging woke me up. I opened the door to find two police officers who accused me of being an accomplice to murder and manhandled me to their station. You know the rest." I told him huffing at the end of the sentence. Those police officers really did a number on me 'cause my panicked brain convinced me then that I could resist them.

"So that's how you, your obesed friend Chebet, her two equally obesed daughters, her frail mother, a mute house help and a suspecious cat killed Pharaoh?" asked a warden seated behind me whom I didn't know was eavesdropping on our conversation. I ignored him.

"So h-how long was y-your s-sentence?" who made that guy a reporter really? Unless his father owned a media station and he was the heir, then that was plain ridiculous.

"Five years, handsome," I teased enjoying how he blushed. He couldn't even meet my eyes. It was erm.....cute.

"Y-you'll be set f-free t-tomorrow. H-how do you feel a-about that?"

"Scared. It was hard for me to get a decent job before I came here. Now that I'll be an ex- convict, I'm scared that maybe I wont be able to put food on my table," I felt sad answering this. I didn't have family to turn to. I was raised in an orphanage and at thirty, I was too old to return there. Who'll even marry an ex- convict spinster? Definitely not a morally upright person.

"W-what are y-your plans after l-leaving this p-place?"

"To polish a certain twenty six years old shy nerd and make him move out of his parent's house," I was only joking but the backfleeps in my stomach and speedy palpitations of my heart told a different story. The look on his face was priceless.

"Make the story juicy, nerd. Make sure I get a copy," I added after a long awkward silence.

"I will. I-it was nice t-talking t-to you."

"Goodbye handsome," I waved at him smilling and I actually felt bad watching him leave. Even when I was being hauled back to my cell, I still couldn't will my head to face forward until he disappeared round the corner.

After being lectured about how a Kenyan prison always has an empty cell available and so on and so forth, I was set free the next day. The taste of freedom was bitter. I didn't know which direction to take once I was outside the main gate of Lang'ata Women Prison. I ended up pulling up a cement waiting for God knows what.

Few minutes later, someone cleared their throat and I looked up to meet the unsure eyes of a certain fidgety speccy nerd who was dressed funny. Behind him was a red Vitz. Definately his mom's car.

"N-eema, c-can you....w-would y-you....eer-"

"Polish a nerd and make him move out of his parents house and probably play house with him?" I asked smiling at him but the weird african beats in my chest was so loud making me blush. I still crinch thinking of how embarrassed I felt exposing that side of me. I helped him there though because we all know he was never going to finish that sentence.

"Yes, I w-would l-ove that."

"Dont worry. I wont remove the nerd out of you. I'll just pick out your clothes"

"Lets go home, inmate 1307," he didn't stutter.

"Ex- inmate 1307," I corrected.

END

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