Solitary

Ever look up into the ceiling at night inside your dark room? Staring for a while until your mind becomes blank. You stay still, listening to the sound of your breath… in & out. The sound of crickets chirping in the dark, lachrymose, numbing night. Unaware of how to deal with your problems next morning, just finally being able to let loose, breathe peacefully into the quiet night. As you start to relax into your own skin, you realize that this may be the only few hours you are able to be who you are; so you take off your mask. You examine the few cracks along the side of it and breathe heavily. “How long will it take for it to completely disintegrate, leaving me alone to drown once more”. Setting down the mask quietly, making sure to not wake up the demons lurking inside the tiny house, you sit down on your bed once again. But now you acknowledge that tears are streaming down from your eyes. Feeling overwhelmed with the fact that you are scared, confused, and alone in this world causes you to break down. However, this time you don’t have to hide away in your closet, fearing the demons seeing you in such a state that they’ll manage to crack the mask even more. In this story, a small little creature is faced with hardships, struggles, and is in the pursuit of happiness. That small little creature is you.

Within life, you tend to find yourself trying to put on this face constantly in front of others when you can’t always continue to stay strong with it. Especially in front of those demons. It is like they can see right through you and see somebody that you are not. You hate that feeling very much because the only person who knows who you truly are is yourself. However, the demons want to make you the villain in every scenario and give you a horrible reputation as one. That really does hurt and you get really annoyed at the fact that they would be willing to be petty and hateful towards you as well. You hate your life and sometimes… just sometimes wished that you could just end it here and there. You wouldn’t have to worry about being the problem all the time, creating misery, annoyance, and making rude remarks.

You swear that you always get the feeling when you enter a room with the demons inside, you ruin their moment as soon as you walk in. And at those times, you wished that you never walked in. They find you repulsive and always comment on everything that you do. They always try to find a small crack where they can crawl under your skin and break you down from the inside. It’s very tiring, always acting like you are not aware of the things the demons are always trying to do. It’s tiring to always tell others that you’re fine when you know it’s not. In this toxic relationship with the demons, you feel like you can’t be who you want to be. You can’t be happy with yourself. You need to be constantly reminding yourself that this hell and you are not living in some candy land dream. Sometimes you feel like you’re dreaming and will wake up from this hell, but it’s not happening. You know that this is reality and the person who you are becoming is not the person you want to be. You’re very tired and just want to stop time, you want to stop your time. You can’t continue living like this and especially with them. They’ll say you’re ungrateful, selfish, rude, disrespectful, a brat; but you don’t care anymore because you are done. You’re done with all of their crap.

When you were going through your mental disorders back when you were a young teen, you were aware of what was happening, your body was preparing you for war. You knew as soon as you got better, the demons would come right back to drown you further into the cold, dark, abyss water. The real person in you is slowly disappearing from your soul and you’re scared to lose yourself in the process. What if you do stay as the cold hearted person just to protect yourself from the demons. You’re scared of them and you don’t want to be alone anymore. It’s not easy making a life in this world, without the help of others, how will you make it in life? You’re going to die alone in this world which seems like the upperhand in this case rather than staying trapped in that house with those demons.

Somewhere deep down within you knows that they love you, but for the most part they are liars and untrustworthy. They are the worst kinds of demons you’ll ever encounter. They are mocking you from behind your back. They don’t allow your wings to grow, you’re trapped inside this poor, isolated, gray cocoon that’s trying to be set free and live the life you’ve always dreamed of. Saying that you hate those demons is a cruel expression, but if that’s the way you’ve been feeling for almost all your life; well then that is saying something. They can say that they are here for you and they’ll protect you at all costs, but no they won’t. In this world you have to protect yourself and carry all of your masks into a big bag so you never forget to hide your identity. No one is to be trusted because the world is filled with hatred. Remember to always take your deep breaths in silence. Remember to always hide away your tears from others and say you’re fine. Remember to never let your true colors show because the moment they shine, they’ll come running to destroy them with you in one hit. Your colors will be completely gone like your soul and you’ll just become a puppet that is being controlled by them. You’ll never be able to get out of their grasp and you’ll be living life in a much more terrible place than hell. You can never forget to slip up because the moment you do… you are done for.

Don’t believe a word they tell you, even if you are tired of everything, the teasing, bullying, harassment, and hate. Stay strong and never slip up. Remember your goal: “They’ll come running towards you when you make it. They’ll be at your feet asking for help”. However never look down to them as they should never look up to you. Erase the terrible memories from them because your new and improved life should be your happiness. Erase all of the negativity in life which includes those demons. Stare down at the people who caused you pain, sorrow, and confusion; learning to embrace the feeling of hate. Recalling all of the horrible emotions felt throughout your life, walk away and leave them to fend for themselves. They will not be the reason for your failure, unhappiness, or pain anymore. When it comes to the infected part of your life, you must cut off that part which happens to be them, your number one “supporters” , your family, the demons.

Learn to let go and move on. These people were just people who raised you and let go of your hand the moment they got tired of you. You were just another source for their entertainment, money, and labor. Don’t repay them back for those reasons. Learn to walk away and never turn back. It’ll hurt in the beginning, but you’ll soon be relieved, stress free, and ready to conquer the world. Stay happy little butterfly and let your wings touch the sky.