Acts of Courage

Anita sat on the towel Joe had spread on the sand, and wondered if she would have the nerve to do what she had planned. It was the bravest thing she had ever considered and she wasn’t sure that she could go through with it. She closed her eyes and breathed in the sea air trying to calm her churning stomach. Joe put his hand gently to the back of her neck. ‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,’ he said.

‘Yes I do. I said I would and I’m not going to back out now. I just need a few minutes.’

* * *

Would this really be the bravest thing she’d ever done? What about the courage it had taken to stand up to that useless husband of hers? In what now seemed like another lifetime she had been happily married, or so she’d thought. But she knew now it had been an empty shell. She hadn’t been happy at all. Although she’d not experienced the depths of total despair either until that fateful day. Bravery had been the last thing on her mind. Her thoughts reached back to touch the shock and disbelief of her husband’s abandonment; at just the point she needed him most. Now she knew she’d never really needed him, and she savoured the relief of being free from his controlling influence.

As everything in her previously stable life had collapsed around her in shards she’d been ready to let him walk away and leave her with nothing. Then from somewhere she had found a spark of self-respect in the darkness. She’d screwed up her courage and faced him in court. She could still remember her trembling hands and the taste of sick in her mouth. It hadn’t been to punish him, just to get a fair share of what they had built up during their time together. Her lawyer had seemed a little disappointed with the final deal but Anita had been elated. It hadn’t been a victory over him but a victory over herself. She’d found the nerve to do something to start climbing out of the pit.

Her next act of bravery had been to tell Joe why her husband had left her.

She and Joe had started off as car pool friends. Anita lived the furthest from the office so she always drove while Joe and Fiona shared the cost of the petrol. After dropping off Fiona one evening, they got stuck in traffic. It took over an hour to reach Joe’s house, yet the easy conversation had made the time fly by. She’d seen Joe’s reluctance to get out of the car and felt thrilled when he’d said, ‘Come in for a coffee.’

Coffee led to dinner which became drinks on the settee until she knew she’d drunk too much to drive home. It felt amazing when they kissed, but she was suddenly gripped by fear and reacted angrily the moment he tried to take things further; roughly pushing off his tentative move.

‘It’s OK, Anita.’ She saw him try to hide his disappointment as he stood up, and felt desolate as he moved away.

Thoughts swirled in her head and she didn’t feel the least bit sleepy, but the next thing she remembered was waking up on the settee with a blanket over her. She checked the time; it was three in the morning. I’ve just rejected the nicest man I’ve met in years, she thought, and then passed out on him. She went upstairs to the bathroom and as she was coming out Joe called to her from his bedroom. ‘Anita, is that you?’

‘No, it’s Fiona come check up on you. Who did you think it was?’

‘Well you never know, do you?’

‘Would you rather it was Fiona instead of me?’

‘Of course not.’

She wondered if he meant it. ‘I feel such an idiot for falling asleep on you like that and ... and for the other stuff’

‘Don’t worry, it’s alright.’

‘Thanks, Joe. Well, I’ll get back downstairs and let you get some sleep.’

‘No, I can’t allow you to sleep on that settee. There’s a bed made up in the spare room.’ He paused. ‘Unless you want to get in with me.’

‘Uh ...’ Anita’s heart leapt, but fear pulled her back. ‘Thanks, I’d ... The spare room’ll be great.’

She didn’t sleep at all for the rest of the night. Her mind kept returning to his offer and what it would have meant for her to accept it. Before dawn, she got up and crept out of the house. There was time to drive home, get changed and then turn up at Joe’s at the normal time as if nothing had happened.

He climbed in without a word and they drove to Fiona’s. ‘Are you OK, Anita?’ said Fiona. ‘You look really tired.’

It was clear that Fiona had sensed something was wrong, but fortunately, she let it lie and the journey continued in unaccustomed silence.

The three of them repeated the same silent journey that evening, saying goodbye to Fiona who left looking troubled.

As Anita pulled up at Joe’s, she tried to will him to speak, but though he said nothing, he seemed reluctant to get out of the car. She knew it was up to her to make the first move.

‘Joe ... I’m sorry how I acted last night. It’s been difficult the last few years. I got divorced and I’ve ... well, I’ve had some other problems.’ She took his hand and gently squeezed it. ‘I really like you and think you like me, too. But ... there’s something you have to know.’ She took a deep breath but the words stalled at the back of her throat. She couldn’t say it. ‘Would it be OK if I came in and we talked inside?’

The next few hours fell into the same groove as the previous evening; they talked effortlessly over dinner, instinctively drawn together until they were back on the settee with drinks again. He smiled at her. ‘What’s this something that I have to know?’

She pulled in a breath, and felt tears welling up in her eyes. It was now or never. If he froze the way her husband had she would be utterly crushed. Could he possibly still want her after he knew?

The next morning, which was fortunately a Saturday, she woke up beside him and had to think for a few moments to remember what had happened. Yes, she’d told him everything and he’d just hugged her and said it was no problem.

* * *

‘You looked lost in thought there for a minute.’ Joe smiled and sat down on the towel beside her, his gaze roaming the crowded beach down to the blue of the sea.

‘I was thinking about the times in my life when I’ve been frightened of doing something and after I’ve done it everything has been fine. But this is the most terrifying ever.’

‘You’ll be alright, don’t worry.’

‘OK then, here goes,’ and she quickly pulled off her T shirt, removed her bra and then immediately crossed her arms over her chest. The noise of the crowd rumbled on around them; there was no sudden hush; no shocked intake of breath.

After a moment, a beach ball landed at her feet; a small girl running after it, her father at her heels. Anita uncrossed her arms, picked up the ball and tossed it to the girl with a smile. The girl grabbed it and raced off. Her father threw Anita a word of apology and thanks as he turned back, his focus on his daughter. Neither of them had reacted to her with the shock that she had expected. She looked around. A few people were glancing in her direction but no one was looking disgusted or covering their children’s eyes.

She sat there topless, a scar where her right breast had once been, and no one gave her a second look. She almost felt cheated, and couldn’t help laughing.

This was a clothing-optional beach in Spain. Some people were fully dressed, others were naked and everything in between. The holiday had been a snap decision, surprising everyone in the office except Fiona who couldn’t have failed to notice the magical change that had come over them after their first weekend together or their surreptitious kiss in the car park before going to their separate departments.

‘I’d never have set foot on a beach like this before my operation,’ said Anita, ’dressed or not. But it’s just the same as every other time. Whenever I’ve been scared shitless about doing something I’ve felt so much better once I’ve done it. I’m sitting here showing off my damaged body, and now I’m wondering what the fuss was about.’ She hugged him impulsively. ‘I’ll never forget how nice you were when I told you. I can’t believe how frightened I was that I’d lose you. My ex treated me like something the cat had brought in from the moment I was diagnosed. Couldn’t cope with the thought of cancer. I was too ill to see that that was his problem. I felt like I wasn’t a woman any more. I got so low I might have ended it all.’

‘I hate thinking about you being so ill and depressed,’ said Joe, ‘but if it hadn’t happened then we wouldn’t be together and I hate the thought of that as well.’

‘Don’t feel bad,’ she said, ‘sometimes you have to wade through the crap of life to get to the good stuff. People talk about the battle with cancer but it’s not just the physical battle. That side’s mostly down to the doctors. It’s the mental battle they can’t always help you with. I’ve had the all clear but in my mind it’s still a work in progress. I used to try not to look at myself in the shower. It was a big step the first time I let you see me without my bra on and just look at me now.’

‘I can’t get enough of looking at you. You know that,’ he said.

She laughed again. ‘I want to start talking about it, maybe helping others. There shouldn’t be this stigma about having cancer. I was sick and I got better. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Having a part of your body missing is nothing to be ashamed of either. I could have had reconstructive surgery but I turned it down’

‘Do you ever regret that?’

‘No, why? Do you think I should have something done?’

‘Of course not. Not unless you want to.’

‘Well I don’t. I never liked the idea of implants or of having bits and pieces transferred from one part of my body to another. Back then I didn’t even feel I was worth it. The nearest I came to regret was that night in your spare room. A part of me longed to be “normal” again so that I could get into bed with you. I didn’t sleep a wink.’

‘Neither did I. I was very tempted to go in and join you.’

‘It’s a good job you didn’t. I’d probably have freaked out and never wanted to see you again.’

Joe kissed his hand, touched it against her scar and then her breast. Anita brought his fingers to her mouth and ran her lips and teeth across them, closing her eyes. Then she leant back with her hands behind her enjoying the warmth of the sun on her body. ‘You know what,’ she said, ‘I get such a buzz from doing stuff that terrifies me I think I might try bungee jumping next.’