Chapter 1
*Before I begin, I just want to put out a trigger warning for anyone who is easily effected by depression, self harm, suicide and mental illness. But don't be deceived, I promise I won't make this whole entire story super depressing.*
I woke up to the sound of my alarm.
*Beep. Beep. Beep*
I groaned and fumbled with the sheets to find my phone.
*Beep. Beep. Beep.*
"Where is that damn thing!?" I yelled, rustling through the blankets only to realize it had fallen down behind my bed frame.
I rolled my eyes and squeezed my arm between the frame and my mattress, barely reaching my phone with my fingertips.
"Gotcha!" I exclaimed, finally pulling my phone cord up through the crack and turned off the alarm.
Goooooood morning! Have you looked in the mirror yet? You should...yikes! That hair!
I closed my eyes and sighed. It's back....
I yawned and looked through my phone's notifications quickly. Nothing, per usual.
Hellllooooooo? Are you planning on ignoring me?
"Oh shut up!" I said aloud, probably sounding like an idiot.
"Were you talking to me?"
I spun around quickly to see my roommate, Zack, leaning in the doorway.
"No, sorry, just talking to myself." I said, shyly.
He cocked his head and raised his eyebrow. "Why were you telling yourself to shut up, and at this early in the morning?"
I rubbed my eyes and yawned. "You know me, always down on myself!" I pointed to myself in satisfaction.
He shook his head in shame. "I wish you wouldn't do that."
I just shrugged my shoulders and hopped out of bed. "Oh well, it's pretty much the way it goes so...." My voice trailed off and I flipped the light switch in my bathroom attached to my room and finally looked at myself in the mirror.
I looked behind me to see Zack had left my bedroom, probably to get ready for work. I sighed. He was always so sweet to me, don't know why; there's nothing special about me. I took a good long look in the mirror. I had long brown hair, came down to about mid back. I wasn't skinny, or at least not in my eyes. My stomach was chubby, and my thighs always rubbed together. My face wasn't really THAT pretty. There were times that I put makeup on and felt pretty, but ultimately, I felt pretty ugly most days, especially when *it* reminded me.
I have this thing, the voice, or voices depending on the day. It likes to talk to me, to tell me things that probably aren't true, but I believe them anyways.
So, how are we this morning? Feeling down? You should be. Remember what happened yesterday? Remember what we did?
I looked down at my long sleeve shirt I had slept in, and slowly rolled the sleeves up. The cuts I had made the night before were inflamed, not too red, but enough that it was raised from the skin. I ran my fingers over them and relived the moment I pulled the blade across my arm. I shut my eyes and started feeling tears welling up. I was interrupted by the sound of a door opening. I quickly pulled my sleeve down and turned to see Zack standing in front of me.
"Hey...." He took my hand and pushed some hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. I looked down as he slowly rolled my sleeve up on my arm. I closed my eyes and looked away. "Nat...." He put his hand under my chin and pulled my face back toward him. "Look at me."
I fluttered my eyes, fighting back tears as I opened them, staring right into his gorgeous blue eyes. Why did his eyes have to be so captivating?
"Why? Why didn't you come get me?" The care in his face was all it took to send me over the edge. Tears flooded down my face and I just collapsed in his arms. "Shh, it's ok. I'm here." He pulled my head in his chest and squeezed his arms around me. I cried for what seemed like an hour, but most likely was only a few minutes before I pulled away from his chest.
"I'm sorry..." I cried, wiping my eyes and nose with the snot that had drained out.
"Hun, you don't have to apologize, I just want to be here for you. Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday that caused you to do this?"
His hands never left my body, he wanted me to know he was connected to me, that I wasn't alone in this moment. I shook my head in response and just put my forehead on his chest.
"Please just, don't hate me." I cried, feeling utterly hopeless.
He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me from his chest so he could look at me again. "Natalie Rose Sanders, I swear to you, that nothing you or anyone else could do could ever make me hate you. That is a promise." He wiped the tears from my eyes and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Now, what do you say I take the day off, and you and me go do something fun?"
"You can't call in to work for me Zack, I couldn't let you do that, not for me."
"You can, and you will. I've already decided. So, why don't you get dressed, get a shower if you want and I will call the hospital and let them know I won't be coming in today and then we can get going and get out of this stuffy house." His smile was infectious and caused my mouth to curve slightly. "There's that gorgeous smile I love so much." He exclaimed, with his hands cupping my face. "Now go get ready, and I'll come back for you in a few."
I nodded and turned back to the bathroom. I looked at my puffy eyed face and wiped the snot from my nose.
You're so ugly when you cry you know that? And why is he calling in to work for you? He's not going in to help others so he can help you? What even is that? He just pities you, you know. He doesn't REALLY care about you.
"Well at least he cares enough to take off work when I'm feeling down." I replied to my inner voice in a slight huff.
Oh please, if you killed yourself right now he'd be better off. Then he wouldn't have to not go to work, you wouldn't burden him anymore.
"No....I don't want to kill myself." I said sheepishly. "Please just, go away."
Honey you should know by now I'm not going anywhere. You can't get rid of me no matter how hard you try.
"Well then mark my words I will try!"
