Why Can't You Call Me By My Name?

In this first chapter I will provide brief explanations of some of the things I will go into detail on in later chapters.

I want to be a boy, I want to be a girl, I want to be both, I want to be neither, all at the same time.

I hate having long hair. I have having female body parts. I was AFAB but I wish i were AMAB. At least that way I would have the body that I wanted, I could accept whatever my gender is easier that way.

My friend asks "Are you cis? trans? non binary? genderfluid?" and the truth is I don't have a clue. They try to help by asking what I feel like, but my whole problem is I don't know what I feel like.

Everybody sees me and says "Hey girl!" I tell them to please not call me 'girl' at the time, they say okay and apologize, but then just start purposefully calling me girl every time they see me.

I tell people I'm going by all pronouns, they say "i'm really bad with stuff like that i'll just keep calling you a girl." and I can't complain because she/her is one of the pronouns I use but its the one I prefer the least.

I tell people I want to go by Logan, they can call me by Lo if they prefer. It's still "Willow." Nobody calls me Logan except random supportive strangers on the internet.

I cry and have anxiety attacks over thoughts of my friends I'm not out to being unsupportive and losing them when they are one of the only things keeping me alive.

I can't talk about any of it because I've kept it all boxed up for so long that I'm afraid if I start to talk about it it'll all flood out and I'm not okay with being that vulnerable.

I'll think of more later but that's some of the things I wanna talk about.