More enlightened than Muhammad, funnier than Jesus

‘More enlightened than Muhammad, funnier than Jesus’.

The pot smokers guide to dying during the apocalypse.

Volume One.

By

Citizen Caned

In loving memory of Mr. Way.

‘The greatest teacher I ever had’.

“There is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil?

I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

He has also set eternity in the human heart;

yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.

That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

I know that everything God does will endure forever;

nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.

God does it so that people will fear him.

Whatever is has already been,

and what will be has been before;and God will call the past to account.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15.

Other considered titles for this book:

The book of many titles.

The enlightened one.

The book of vengeance.

The third testament.

The seventh sense.

Musty smegma and other Brexit glories.

The legend of Faggaton Dammed.

The art of mother-in-law.

The bus.

Salvation.

Weed!

The book of hope for dope.

The hopeful winner of the Booker prize 2022.

How to lose friends and influenza people.

The illuminati party.

Fuck wokism.

Code: Bed.

Keep on the grass.

H.O.P.E.

Chapters:

1.The death of Master Way, and the resultant collapse of Blighty.

2.How Hope was found, and the plan to steal a double decker bus.

3.How to brainwash society, and the return of Venus.

4.How to be creamy, the ultimate chat up line, and reasons for war, 1…2…3...

5.In which we discover more evil, go on holy day, and make three new acquaintances.

6.Poetic reflections of consciousness, and Click’s tiny role in destroying the Death Star.

7.In which Click ventures to London to meet Captain Chaos, and become a tiny film star.

8.Idle days spent drifting in the last domain, prior to showdown.

9.In which Lady Persephone ends it with Click, who merges with the universe.

10.Summit IV.

11.Pope Luke Urban I and setting fire to butterflies.

12.XII.

13.Dog shit alley and beyond.

14.The gnarling pull of the ever present time vortex, and other crumbs of high intrigue.

15.Shit hole cul de sacs, and the venom of devilry.

16.“Just kidding. Not dead really,” and the seventh sense.

17.The power to bend, warp and dilate reality.

18.The echo chamber of one.

19.End of play. For now.

List of key players:

The goodies:

God – God.

Click – The witty protagonist.

Mr. Mature – Click’s Jewish friend with a penchant for drugs.

Lady Persephone – Click’s loyal and long-suffering woman.

Lady Schnufflies – Click’s ex woman, and mother of Disney.

Disney – Click’s daughter, and ray of light towards life itself.

Ebey Baby – Click’s best friend, and general white Rastafarian type.

Brother Nateus – Another of Click’s best friends, and the world’s worst communicator. (Unless drunk).

Brother Jonas – Another of Click’s best friends, and artistic genius.

Hugo – Another of Click’s best friends, and ex raver with his own drink brand.

Venus – The object of Click’s desires.

Captain Chaos – A new friend of Click’s he met on a Hollywood movie set.

Jade Aphex – Girlfriend of Mr. Mature, talented musician, and far leftie.

Conan – Viking inspired pot loving neighbour and friend to Click.

Hazel – The lady of Conan.

Delta – Six-foot eight best friend of Click from school days.

The baddies:

Satan – Satan.

The Junn – Invaders of Blighty with a backwards, foreign, religious ideology.

Rock Wolf – Scum bag ultra #1 and arch enemy of Click having once been a brother.

Zewski – Scum bag ultra #2 and possibly one day the actual man of Satan.

Thom Scum – Scum bag ultra #3 and ex work colleague.

Snodbury – The homeless town bum and herb provider. Often lives in a tent.

Benny L the Scummer – Thief, heroin addict, liar and all-round general failure in life.

Willis – Most dangerous and evil fool in Faggaton Dammed.

Bongo Ferret the Imbecile – Town crack dealer, moronic thug, and general animal equivalent of human.

“Life is like a box of chocolates… You enjoy the good ones,

dislike the bad ones, and only weirdos eat Turkish delight”.

Forest Monk.

“The names have been changed to reject the insolent”.

Author.