Selfish Commitments

That night, the sky was clear. The moon was nowhere to be found, but the stars were shining brighter than ever. It was a beautiful night. Beautiful, but quiet. Too damn quiet.

And, in that beautiful and quiet night, there was no one to be seen. Not even a single living being to wander around aimlessly. There was no one to ruin that perfect night, and no one to enjoy the beauty the nature had to offer that night. It was really late, so there was no one outside. No one, except for one lonely soul, one lonely girl who was desperately trying to find some peace in that dark and silent night.

The only thing that was making the silence more bearable was the sound of the wind, blowing through her hair. She was feeling lonely, so she started humming a song, to kill the silence around her.

“Oh, dear diary, I met a boy…”

She was singing it in such a sad tone, the vibrant rhythm of that song was now slowed down so much that it sounded even more melancholic and regretful.

She took off her shoes and sighed. The girl looked up at the stars. She was jealous of them. They were so pretty, so shiny, and, most importantly, they were not alone. They were always together, from the beginning of time, they always had each other. Unlike her, who had no one. It's not like she even cared about that. She was better off alone, but then… Why was she still jealous of the stars…?

She shook that thought off of her mind. There was no time for jealousy that night. No time for stargazing. She put her shoes aside and started to walk towards the edge of the rooftop, still singing.

“He made my doll heart light up with joy…”

She touched the cold edge with her trembling fingers. She took a deep breath and hesitated. Was that really a good idea? Was she really able to do it? Was this really the best decision she could make? She didn’t know the answer to these questions. It was too late to find them now anyway. She was afraid, so afraid of what was just about to come. She felt like she didn’t have the guts to do it. But then…

But then she remembered the reason why she was there. She looked up at the stars once again. That night the sky was clear. And the stars were shining brighter than ever. And in that brightness was hidden the pain of a bittersweet memory. A bittersweet memory of a night, just like this one, a magical night that now felt like it never even took place, a magical night from long ago, filled with happiness and lots of smiles. A magical night filled with the first thrills of love, a magical night and a magical dance under the clear sky that was now nothing more than one of the most painful memories of hers.

“Oh, dear diary, we fell apart…”

She sighed. Her voice was trembling as she slowly climbed the edge of the rooftop. The cold concrete under her feet sent shivers down her spine. She didn’t expect it to be that cold. At that moment, a sinister thought crossed her mind. Will her body be as cold as that concrete wall she was currently standing on? Maybe. That, if there was anything left of it after the collision.

She tried not to think about how bad her body would look like after she jumped off of that rooftop. She looked down and immediately regretted it. A moment later, her teary eyes were once again desperately looking for the stars. Warm tears started to run down her cold cheeks. She couldn’t stop herself from sobbing. She tried to wipe off her tears but the tears just wouldn’t stop flowing from her eyes until she had started to cry violently. And she cried and cried until she could barely breathe because of the constant sobbing. Her chest was aching, both from physical and emotional pain. And her whole body was trembling at the thought of jumping from the tenth floor. But she couldn’t back down now. No, there was no way she could do that. The pain was too strong. And the only way to get rid of the pain was… to jump. It would only take a few seconds, a few scary seconds, the most frightening moments of her life, but it would only be a few seconds. Maybe she wouldn’t even feel any pain. Maybe she would just die instantly.

A few scary seconds and then she would permanently get rid of her pain. Of her overwhelming thoughts and memories. A few scary seconds and she would get rid of it all. She only needed to take one step forward and that was it. No more suffering. No more pain. No more tears. No more of this shitty life of hers. Just one big step forward and she could finally find the peace she had always longed for.

But why was she so afraid to take that step? She was ordering her body to move, but the body wouldn’t listen. It was like it was frozen. It was like she no longer had control over it. She ordered her feet to take that step forward but nothing happened. She just continued to cry as her whole body was shaking violently. All those overwhelming feelings inside of her, it was too much. She felt like she could feel thousands of negative emotions, all at once. And it was too much for her. She just wanted it all to end already. She just wanted some peace. It was her right to finally have some peace at last.

But she was still unable to move. She was so frustrated. And angry. And scared. And sad. And anxious. She was a mess. And she hated herself for that. She wanted to scream her lungs out, but the words just refused to come out of her mouth. So she stayed quiet while crying and sobbing uncontrollably.

She wanted to look down one more time, but couldn’t gather enough courage to do so. She then tried to remember herself one more time why she was there. Why she needed to do this. She tried to remember…

And then, suddenly, her foot moved. She began to retake control over her own body. A faded smile crossed her pained face. She was still sobbing but she continued to wipe her tears until she managed to dry off her cheeks with the help of her sleeves. She was finally starting to accept her fate. Or so she thought, until she tried to take the big step forward and lost her balance for a few moments. That’s when she gasped and instinctively took a step backwards.

Crap, crap, crap. This wasn't working. It was taking her too long to do it. She was hesitating too much. Maybe if she closed her eyes, maybe that would help.

So she took one more deep breath and closed her eyes. She naturally stretched out her arms, to keep her balance. As if that would be of any help for her now. She gulped and sighed one more time. She was ready. She had to be ready. It was useless to keep on hesitating. It was now or never. So she took one little step forward. Nothing happened, she was still standing on the edge of the rooftop. Then, she took another step. This was it, this was the step. This was the step she needed. The step that would put an end to all of her suffering. The step that would save her from everything bad in her life. The step that would end her messed up life once and for all.

She took the step. But then-

“MAEVE, WAIT!”

Then she heard a voice.