Jen
Jen
The sounds of the busy doctor’s office around me seemed to buzz louder than usual. There was a woman at the front desk, trying to make an appointment for her follow-up, the volume of her voice echoing around in my skull. The nurse at the counter trying to help her was not much better, each keystroke on the computer louder than the last. Everywhere around us, there were couples who were waiting to be seen, some of them talking in hushed voices to each other. Others were watching television in the far corner of the room, waiting for their names to be called. One by one, each other them were called in before us. They would look at each other excitedly, holding hands as they walked into the back of the office. Each time they would be called, I felt my heart sink lower and lower in my chest.
“It’s going to be alright.” Jake said, resting a hand on my knee. I knew it was an attempt to stop me from jiggling it up and down but I just started to do it with my other leg. I shook my head.
“What if this didn’t work?” I whispered, refusing to look at him.
“You can’t think like that. Remember what Dr. Snyder said. The more you stress out, the less likely it’s going to be successful.” I bent my head, covering my face with my hair. The long brown curls fell and the curtain prevented him from seeing the worry on my face.
“I think I’m going to throw up if they don’t call us soon.” I muttered.
“Jake and Jennifer Oliver?” A female voice called out. I nearly jumped out of the chair I was half sitting in at the sound of our names. I spotted the younger nurse in the doorway, a smile on her face as we approached her. Jake took big steps to keep up with me.
“That’s us.” I said, fixing the blue floral print dress I was wearing.
“Follow me.” She said, turning and heading up the hallway beyond the door. We did as she asked, letting her lead us the familiar path to Dr. Snyder’s exam rooms. I had memorized the layout of it by now; three doors on the left, two on the right, and the nurse’s station nestling neatly in the dead center. On the far right of the hall, there was another waiting room for husbands or spouses while their wives were being poked, prodded, and examined. To the left, there were five exam rooms and one radiology room where they did tests like ultrasounds. I felt Jake’s hand on the small of my back as the nurse stopped outside of Dr. Snyder’s office. This was unusual. Every other time we had met with him, it was in one of the other rooms. We had never been here before.
“Come in!” His voice called as she knocked on the closed door. She gripped the doorknob and stepped in. Behind her, I could see an incredibly decorated office.
The walls were painted a light brown color, matching carpet on the floor. A glass top desk was in the middle of the room and dark brown leather chairs were stationed in front of it. A matching leather couch was along the far wall, a floor-to-ceiling window behind it. The blinds were drawn shut though, blocking out the bright February sun that was reflecting off last night’s snowfall. Dr. Snyder was perched behind his desk at the computer, typing something. The sixty-something-year-old man stood up, his dark green scrubs standing out like a sore thumb in here. There was a white doctor’s coat on the chair he stood from but he didn’t move to grab it. The gray hair on his head was thinning but there was still enough there to comb and style.
“Ah, Jake and Jen. Come on in.” He said, smiling at us. I stepped in past the nurse, Jake coming to stand next to me. The nurse left, closing the door behind her. “Please sit.” Snyder said, gesturing towards the couch. I cast a glance at Jake who nodded, allowing me to step first. I walked over to the couch and sat down, sinking into the soft cushions. The leather was warm from the sun beating on it, the warmth radiating through my black leggings. Jake sat next to me and Dr. Snyder grabbed one of the other chairs so he could sit across from us. He also grabbed a thick folder that had our name scribbled on the side of it. I saw it as he sat down.
“Thanks for seeing us again, Dr. Snyder.” Jake said, taking my hand in his.
“Of course. I’m sorry it took so long. We had a full house today.” He said, setting the file on the coffee table in front of us. It was glass-topped, just like his desk. When he didn’t move to open the file, I felt sweat form in my palms. “We got the results back from your tests this morning.” He said, leaning forward. “The IVF didn’t work.”
IVF stands for in-vitro-fertilization. It’s an assistive reproductive technology commonly used to help couples with infertility to become pregnant. Those who have issues falling pregnant have a number of options to help their chances grow. IVF is considered one of the last options due to how invasive it is and how much it costs. In America, IVF typically runs anywhere between $10,000 to $30,000 without a guarantee that it will work. Each round of IVF can cost thousands of dollars, leaving hopeful wanting parents not only without a child but also in debt.
And we just became one of those couples.
I heard Jake sigh next to me as he gripped my hand tighter. I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. It wasn’t fair. I had done every single thing that Dr. Snyder had asked me to do. I even did some free-spirited yoga shit the clinic here offers to relax the mind and body. I ate all the recommended foods. I slept in the weird positions that were supposed to help. How was it that I did everything humanly possible to become pregnant and yet he was sitting across from us, saying that I wasn’t?
“So, what now?” Jake asked. “We try another round?”
“Well, I ran a few more tests last time we did the implant. It’s something we commonly do after two failed attempts. It helps us see what the issue might be and if there is any real chance to change it. It seems that you, Jen, have what we call an inhospitable environment. It means that no matter what we do or try, there is a high probability that you will never be pregnant. We aren’t sure what is causing yours to be able to treat it. Unfortunately, this just happens sometimes.”
“Just happens sometimes?” I whispered, tears slipping down my cheeks as I opened my eyes. He nodded, frowning as he leaned over and grabbed a tissue from the box in front of us. He held it out to me. I took it, wanting to rip it from his hand but I didn’t.
“I wish there was a better way to say it. I know with your miscarriage last year there is a chance to fall pregnant but I don’t believe any pregnancy you will have will be viable.”
“Meaning?” Jake asked.
“If you do end up pregnant, the baby will never survive past a couple weeks.” Snyder said softly.
“There has to be something we can do.” Jake pleaded. “Some kind of treatment or procedure.”
“Right now, we’ve done everything we really can do. There is still the option of adoption. We do have a program here that will guide you through that. There’s also embryo adoption. We can help you find an egg donor and a surrogate to carry the fetus for the pregnancy.” Dr. Snyder offered. I shook my head.
“We can’t afford that.” I whispered. “We sunk every penny we had into IVF.”
“I understand. Some parents—couples—need time to get over the blow of IVF failure before they can begin to think of their next moves. We can help you plan whatever you want to do next. At this time, I do not think going forward with more treatment is beneficial. There is too much risk involved.”
“Thank you, Dr. Snyder.” Jake said, rubbing my back.
“I’m very sorry.”
The drive back to our house was filled with quiet sadness. I sniffled as Jake drove, doing my best to not become a sobbing mess in the front seat of his truck. Every now and then, I would see him glancing at me from the corner of my eye. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I felt like an absolute complete failure of a woman and a wife. My own purpose on this earth as a biological being was to reproduce. I can’t even manage to do that right. Every part of me wanted to have a baby. My ‘biological clock’ has been ticking for almost six years now, screaming at me to give it a kid. Now, I wouldn’t be able to do that.
Jake and I are high school sweethearts. We met in the tenth grade and started dating shortly into our junior year. No one thought we would work out. He was a farm kid and I was the girl next door, itching to get the hell out of Middletown, New York as soon as possible. And we did for a while. After high school, we moved to Albany for a while so I could earn my degree in school psychology. Jake earned a degree in business management and he proposed to me the night we graduated.
After getting married, we decided that Middletown wasn’t all the bad of a place to plant some roots. His father helped us buy a house and I started working at our old high school as the school psychologist. Jake went to work for his father’s landscaping company, his father telling him he was looking to retire soon and needed someone to take over the family business when he was ready. All settled in, we decided it was time to start expanding our family.
We tried for about a year to get pregnant before we realized something wasn’t working right. I went to the doctor and they had us run some tests to make sure Jake was producing fine and that I didn’t have any hormonal issues. Those tests came back fine and they told us to try again. And we did. Six months later, there still wasn’t any baby. I started doing my own research to see if there was something we weren’t doing right. I tried all those techniques I found on the internet from peeing on ovulation sticks to taking my internal temperature every morning. Jake was also working with me, switching to non-restrictive and cooling underwear to help his sperm count. We both started eating healthy foods that were supposed to promote reproductive health. That went on for about six months and still, we weren’t pregnant.
I finally caved in and asked for a referral to a fertility clinic. We both figured that after almost three years, there had to be something my doctor wasn’t finding. That was when we met Dr. Snyder. He ran his own tests and saw that I wasn’t producing eggs like I was supposed to. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome which is just a fancy way of saying my body doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to when it comes to that time of the month. Even though I was getting my period regularly, I wasn’t ovulating every month like I was supposed to be. And with PCOS, the ovulation strips can tell you that you are ovulating when you really aren’t. Dr. Snyder started me on medication to help with my symptoms and set us up on a schedule of when we were supposed to “actively attempt” to have a baby. Nothing takes the romance out of a marriage more than planned sex but Jake didn’t complain.
The only thing that came from the medication was stomach cramps and frequent shitting. He started me on a different kind of medication that involved needles that Jake had to stick me with and also had Jake try vitamins to make his sperm stronger. This seemed to work because, after almost five years of trying, I did end up pregnant. We were ecstatic when they told us. It was such a relief after all that time to know that we were going to be parents. It didn’t last long though. I had a miscarriage a week later and needed to have a procedure done to remove whatever I wasn’t able to pass.
Dr. Snyder told us to not give up and that we needed to move on to the next phase; IVF. At this point, we had spent quite a bit of our savings on this and when we saw how much IVF was going to cost, we both worried about affording it. Jake’s father footed the bill for the first round, eager to have a grandchild. When that failed, we put up the money for the second round. It nearly wiped us out, leaving us with a very limited amount of savings. When that one failed, the HR person at my work informed me of a program that assisted with paying for it. They covered half the cost and we had to put up the other $7,000. We are officially tapped out now, just enough in our account to cover us in emergencies. Not that it mattered now. We had no other options.
“Adoption isn’t a bad thing.” Jake said, taking a left-hand turn on our road.
“It wouldn’t be our baby.” I replied.
“Biologically, no. But we would still consider them our child, regardless. It wouldn’t hurt to look into it.” He shrugged.
“I have.” I sighed. “To adopt through the clinic, it costs $5,000 for agency fees and other things before they even begin looking for a baby. That doesn’t even cover the $20,000 it costs to actually get the baby.”
“There are other agencies. We don’t have to go through the clinic. Or maybe a private adoption. We can run an ad in the paper to see if we can find one that way. It would be cheaper.” He turned down our road and I could see our house in the distance. The two-story bungalow was set back on our lot, the two-car garage connected on the side. Jake reached up and pressed the garage button above his head as he pulled into the driveway.
“I want a baby that’s us.” I whispered. Jake pulled into the garage, cutting the engine as the door closed behind us. A tear slid down my cheek as I stared at the wall in front of the truck. “I want a baby that has your eyes and your smile. One that has my horrible curly hair. A little boy or girl that people tell us all the time looks like us. Why? Why is it so hard for us but easy for other people? I see people all the time with three or four kids who can’t take care of themselves let alone kids but I can’t even pop out one. How is that even fair?”
“It’s not,” Jake said, pulling his seat belt off so he could slide closer to me. He wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug and I cried into his chest. “I know it doesn’t seem possible but it will happen for us somehow. Even if I have to work three jobs, we’re going to have a baby. But we need to keep our options and our minds open, alright? I know what we want but right now, it doesn’t seem to be like an option we have. I think we should take Dr. Snyder’s advice and take a break for a little bit. Maybe we could take a vacation or something. You have spring break coming up. We can take a trip out to visit my sister or something.”
“I don’t want to just give up!” I exclaimed, sitting up.
“We’re not. I just don’t want to see my wife lose herself because of something she can’t control. I will always fight to get us a family but I’ll also fight to make sure you’re okay. We can take a few weeks to save up some money and figure out our next step.” I knew Jake was right. I could see concern and sincerity in his dark brown eyes as he looked down at me. Running his hand through his brown hair, he sighed. “I don’t want something to happen to us because of all of this.”
“I know.” I said softly, taking his hand in mine. “I’m sorry, Jake. I feel like a horrible wife because I can’t give you a baby. Maybe you should find someone else who can.”
“Don’t say that. I don’t want anyone else. I want you just like I’ve always wanted you. It doesn’t matter what’s happening. All that matters is that you are by my side. We can get through anything that way. You are the only person I will ever want to be with. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Reaching over, he wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “It’s you and me forever, babe.”
