Twins Inside

Her sobs were loud against the quiet of the night.

She sniffed and I could imagine her wiping her tears that would make their way to her nostrils while she was lying on her side. Her pillow must’ve been wet but I doubted that she would notice that. You would never notice it, not until you stopped crying.

I couldn’t tell her that it was getting kind of annoying. That would only make her weep more. Instead, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the back of my eyelids. The blackness and the absence of sight. This way, your eyes could rest. Now, I wondered what should someone do in order to make their other senses rest, too? How could I stop my ears from hearing? How could I disable my tongue and not taste anything? How could I numb all my skin? How could I stop the air from entering my--oh, yeah, we could cover our nose, couldn’t we? I finally got my answer there. I should stop myself from inhaling oxygen and my senses could rest.

She stopped crying now.

Finally.

I rolled over to my other side to take a look at my twin sister, sleeping on the floor beside my bed. She looked peaceful. A calm after the storm. An ash after the fire.

I made a sigh of relief. I could finally sleep.

The next morning, she woke up earlier than me. I got up from the bed and saw her in the living room, watching some movie. There was coffee on the table. Bread and strawberry jam were complimenting her hot drink and the smell of breakfast flooded the room, like a breath of fresh air.

I made my own coffee as well and joined her. She was watching Shutter Island, I realized. It was our favorite movie.

I ate some bread with the jam before I finished my coffee and not even finishing the movie, I went back to my room and sat in front of my laptop. Minutes from now, the online lecture would start and I was so glad I have a stable Wi-Fi connection. But I was still pissed at this pandemic for making it even harder to review for my upcoming board exam.

The lecture started on time and I tried my best to stay focused but eventually, my mind floated around every now and then. My mind was filled with anything but the lecture. Still, I kept on listening until the lecturer stopped for a 30-minute break.

I removed my earphones and stretched my arms.

“Can I ask you something?” My twin sister said, who was now sitting on the edge of my bed.

“You already are,” I retorted.

“Are you really gonna take the board exam this year?”

That question made me fully look at her with furrowed eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

She blinked and adjusted her sitting position. “I mean, with all that’s going on, do you really think it’s going to be all right to take the exams? Are... Are you ready?”

I hated questions like this because... “I don’t know, okay?” I sighed. “Why are you asking me this? I’ll just continue this...” I pointed to my laptop. “...and whatever the government announces, I’ll just base my decision there. I mean, I’ll plan everything after the quarantine.”

“The government sucks.”

“I know but—Look, I just can’t make a decision now.”

“But I’m worried.”

My frown deepened. “Why are you worried?”

“What would happen after the quarantine when there’s still a lot of people that are testing positive? When there’s no vaccine? I’m scared to go outside. Aren’t you scared to go out of town? To take an exam?”

I bit my lower lip. I sensed my sister’s concern and worry, and I appreciated it. Why wasn’t I worrying? I didn’t know. It was just hard to make a decision right now. I wanted to block all decision-making questions and just tried to survive.

“I’ll just... I’ll just need more time to think about it.”

She knew I had been waiting and studying for 5 years for this year to come. This was supposed to be the year. I was supposed to graduate after years of being an accountancy student. I was supposed to be enrolling in another review school before I take the exam months after now. I was supposed to prepare myself for the only thing that was keeping me sane in a school that thought us almost nothing. The CPA title. Now, a virus had snatched it away farther from my reach.

Minutes passed and the lecture continued. But I just couldn’t seem to focus and the words that I heard from the live video were passing in my head like a blur. Nothing made sense. There were blocks of important notes that I kept missing but I couldn’t rewind a live video so, I finally decided to stop listening. I closed the laptop and made my way toward the living room.

I could smell whatever it was that my sister was cooking in the kitchen. The smell of something like a Nilaga weaved around my apartment and I closed my eyes as I sank down on my sofa.

Later, she finished cooking and we both ate lunch in the living room. I opened the television to watch some news and my sister requested to turn it off or watch other stuff.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it’s all bad news. Yesterday when they played a video of a guy crying because his mother died in the hospital without him having the chance to say goodbye—I... I can’t...”

I turned the television off and continued to eat my lunch while saying nothing. She must’ve sensed the meaning of my silence so she didn’t try to talk.

We ate quietly.

In the late afternoon, I didn’t try to continue watching the online lecture. Instead, I watched episodes of Brooklyn 99, hoping maybe I could laugh all the uneasiness out of my body.

It didn’t work. My subconsciousness kept pointing fingers at me, telling me that I was wasting my time watching a show that I could watch anytime, instead of spending my time studying and preparing for the board exams. Each time a joke is cracked by Jake or sarcasm drawls out of Gina’s mouth, I laugh uneasily.

I stopped watching and went back to my bedroom. My sister’s back was flat against the bed, her eyes focused on the ceiling and her face was wet with tears.

“Are you crying again?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Wha—what the heck is wrong with you?” I retorted and I realized my mistake when she cried harder.

“I don’t know,” she sobbed.

I wiped my hands over my face and sat beside her on the bed. I sighed before carefully thinking about my next choice of words, “Tell me anything you want.”

I saw her lips quiver before she said, “I want this all to end.”

“That will happen soon.”

"When?"

“Soon.”

“Why are you so calm?” She quietly said.

“Because I need to.”

She said nothing for a while. The only sound in the room was her quiet sobs.

I sat up and was about to leave when she finally break the silence, “You hate me.”

I gaped at her, wide-eyed. I couldn’t believe what she said.

I’m utterly speechless and she realized this so she continued to tell me anything she wanted.

“You don’t want to be stuck with me for months. That’s one of the reasons why you don’t talk to me.”

“I’m talking to you now, aren’t I?!” I said with a higher tone of voice. I was livid.

“Because you can’t stand watching me cry for days!” She began shouting.

“That’s right! I can’t tell you this because I’m sparing your fragile feelings but it’s really fucking annoying!”

She was crying so hard, her breathing uneven.

I didn’t care. How dare she accuse me of hating my own twin sister? I hated her crying but I’ll never hate her!

“See?” She said. Her eyes were full of tears, she couldn’t open them fully. “And what did you truly think of me?” I frowned, not quite understanding what she meant. “What did you think when I cry and worry and cry again?”

It was hard to breathe. The room seemed to get narrow with every passing minute.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You thought that I’m weak. And you don’t want to be stuck with a weakling so, you ignored me.” She looked at me with hatred in her eyes. I tried to match that anger but I was also on the verge of tears. I realized that she could be telling the truth. I was trying to ignore her. “Why can’t you accept me?” She said it with a kind of helplessness that made me completely mute.

Accept? Why? Was I really rejecting her?

I went back to all of the times that I found her really annoying. The way she whined. The way she cried every night. The way she constantly reminded me of everything that I needed to worry about. That all happened during this quarantine.

Then, I went back to when we were still kids. The way she would seek attention from everyone. The way she would stay silent and let anyone take advantage of her kindness. The way she would brag about my talent to everyone she met.

I started to tremble.

I loved my twin. I sincerely did.

But because of how she annoyed me, I tried to shut her out. Did I become a better human being because of that? No, I didn’t and it broke my heart that there had to be a pandemic before I could realize all of these.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wiped the tears from my face. I summoned up the courage to apologize.

But no words came out of my mouth.

Instead, I fell helplessly on the floor and I cried harder when my sister captured me in her arms like I was the most precious thing in the world.

How could I do this to her? She was a part of what I am. From the moment I opened my eyes to see the world, she was there. More than anyone, she understood who I truly am. And what happened earlier was just one thing that proved that.

She shushed me with her soft voice and gently patted my head. “You don’t have to say anything. I know what’s inside here.”

If that wasn’t the most reassuring thing I had heard in my entire life, I didn’t know what was.

I wasn’t sure how long we had stayed hugging on my bedroom floor but eventually, we went to the living room and sat on the sofa while eating chips and watching Brooklyn 99.

“You don’t have to listen to the live lectures every day, y’know?” She said. “The videos will still be up there, on their page so... Maybe you could just download them?”

“That’s a brilliant idea.” I nodded and sipped some iced tea. “What do you think should I do? Aside from watching tv shows or movies, what can I do to distract myself from all that’s going on? I’m kind of tired watching, I guess.”

“You could read a book. You have so many on your TBR.”

“That’s right.”

“Orrrrr... You could write. You’ve always wanted to finish that novel you were writing, right?”

I slowly nodded my head. “That’s right.”

“What are you waiting for?” She excitedly said.

I laughed a bit and was about to say something when my phone rang. It was my mom!

“Hi, mom!” I greeted her and waved my hands enthusiastically, as soon as her face appeared on my phone screen.

“Hello, my lovely daughter! How are you doing?”

“I’m doing okay,” I said cheerfully.

“That’s good. I was worried for a bit because you’re alone. It’s such bad luck that this pandemic hit when you’re away from us.”

I timidly smiled. “I had a moment of self-reflecting so, I guess this all kind of helped me... In a way.” I shrugged.

Mom smiled warmly at me. “It’s so good to see you holding up on your own.” She sighed. “Although it’s kind of sad to think that my only daughter’s growing up so fast.”

“Don’t be all dramatic on me now, ma, please.” I rolled my eyes.

She laughed. “Alright, alright. You take care, okay? I’ll call again later.”

“Okay.”

“I love you!”

“Love you, too!”

I ended the call and sighed with relief.

I was not sure what would happen after this quarantine but tonight, I wouldn’t be crying anymore, that was for sure.