Chapter 1
She looks around her and observes the people. She likes to do that, observing. It almost feels that she is not really there, the world is just rounding and she doesn't have a care to care. It helps to slow down life, watching others doing their thing. Eating, talking, being. She watches people's dressing choices, their body language, the food they are eating. A couple sit in front of her with two kids and a baby. They are different by skin colour and that warms her heart. She likes to come across out of the norm couples, giving her the feeling of a changing society, so that begins to be the norm. Like when she sees bigger women than their man, or when one's beauty are not in accordance with society standards, and you sense their deep love nevertheless. When you witness same gender couples loving each other with no care in the world or old couples holding hands and even kissing in public. Living in a city has its pros and cons, and those are some of the prior. It gives a sense of a bigger liberty, or a false sense of it.
She is waiting for her order to get ready, her afternoon snack that she knows it's too much to be eating at 6pm, and it will take part of her dinner hunger. But it's a different day, full of runs and stops, and she has been hungry for a while now, to actually care.
She takes a look at the waiter preparing her order. She felt a bit unsettled ordering her food as he seems to be in his 20's too. When he turns his back at her she checks him out. His work clothes suit him in some weird way, and she acknowledges his tattooed arm. He has that little belly there poking his black t-shirt. It's that kind of fat that makes people fluffy in a good attractive way. That type of people that aren't fat, too skinny or too muscular. They are that balance of all three body types and that attracts her. For a moment she wishes she's well dressed enough for him to notice her. For no reason really. Just to pat her ego and confidence a little. When he finishes preparing the food he looks for what felt like a half of a second at her and wishes "bon appetite" with a have a nice day at the end.
Was he just unsettled with his work stress, or too shy to look much longer at me? she thinks. It doens't really matter after all.
She sits and takes a bite at her buttery toast. When she stirs the cup of coffee with milk to mix the sugar, she feels someone's eyes on her when passing by.
Being an introvert it's like a free ticket for popping questions. Is it weird I am sitted here by myself? Do I look like a kid to them? Do I have something on me that makes them look?
It's quite constant sometimes, and with primary maturity it can make us feel that those questions are really what come across other people's minds. Until you have lived enough to understand that that is not true, or you don't care anymore. Unfortunately you cannot stop your thoughts but she has understood to not give too much importance to them nowadays, even though her teenagewood insecurity still lives with her on top of her too-young-appearance-for-her-age thing that walks with her everywhere she goes. Because of this, she feels this constant pressure to show people she is not that young anymore, psychologically speaking. She constantly feels she has to became this type of person, within these timelines, and do all these specific stuff. To only prevent what she hates the most: others being condescending with her.
She has her phone on a reading application and she is reading, but the noise around today is not helping her focus. Her mind is too livid to focus on reading, so she just eats and stares. She finds funny how fashion has changed cards, and now women wear baggy clothes, bigger than what man use. It's cute in a way, even though it hasn't catch her attention enough to adopt such style herself. She likes her tight dark blue jeans and fluid grey blouse with her short green jacket and white sneakers. It's a style she has been using for some time and helps maintain her in her comfort zone, as she loves to be there when it comes to her body.
After all, she is an observer, not a "do-er" or a "be-er" that people watched. To be at it, you can't really take to much attention in the middle of the crowd. You have to blend in. And she doesn't mind. Actually, she prefers not to be seen most of the times, as usually happens. And when surprisingly someone acknowledges, those pop-up questions come to the surface and occupy her mind for a while.
However, she knows she needs some outsider attention. She is a human being for God's sake. She needs to feel pretty, appreciated, wanted. Because her social life is confined in a very restrict group of friends who are normally busy, she tries to live and fulfil those social needs by making up fantasies in her mind. Oh, how great it is to live inside her mind. The fantasies feel amazing, make her smile, feel joy, even laugh sometimes. It's like when you listen to a music and it grabs you to a made up a video clip in your mind. You feel your body responding to that pull. Instead, you are the one who creates the music, the video clip and everything in between in those fantasies. She imagines she is at someone's birthday dinner/party/gathering and is talking with a boy that has shown some preference on speaking with her other times. She gives in and shares her secrets, that are not really secrets after all, just individual aspects about her. She imagines talking and laughing with him. Until the talk gets sexual enough for the moment to be more intimate and the boy feel even more interest in what she is sharing.
And then he shares back, until both feel somewhat compliant towards one another and a seed is planted. Then life goes on and so their gatherings. From hangouts to dates, from dates to one night stands and so on. You see, fantasies. Oh and hasn't she fantasized a lot lately. She has been feeling quite needy these past 2 months. Her first and only relationship has ended over 5 months ago, and she is starting to feel the needs. Especially the need for attention. Just that feel coming from others who like her company. That was already a step ahead to fulfil her need. She was modest when it came for social aspects. And an introvert, what to expect? Little is already enough for them. But for that she has to have social moments, which has been quite rare with her responsibilities on her shoulders lately. As a work from home freelancer, there is not much time to go out and meet new people. A necessary but sad truth. On the other hand, she is getting what she has wanted for quite a while: independence. Even though renting a house is too expensive for her, she had the accomplishment of getting out of her family condo, to a shared condo with a roommate. It sounds basically the same. Logically it is. But emotionally? Damn, it feels good to get out of under the wing and fly for herself - even if almost entirely. She likes cooking, taking care of herself and her stuff, however and whenever she feels like. And getting out of her family home was a step forward to a greater purpose, even if she wasn't living alone yet.
