The discovery
The scientist within
Trying to bring calmness into my mind, while I am unable to complete one full thought process, It is like noticing the volunteer guard in his suite at a museum appearing from the shadow corner to keep an eye on you then nothing happens. a cluster of word fragments and images would randomly position themselves somewhere in what we consider or call the mind without any clear story. To understand the mechanics behind thinking you study psychology or whatever field of science that has been observing the phenomena and documenting the findings.
The search
But I do not think that is necessary for me anymore, I am satisfied with some google searches and whatever takes shape on the screen would give me the starting point of the thread to my own self discovery, sometimes I find myself thrown off the topic or transferred to another subject, I do not have the patience to read pages and pages of research about something simple. Let me be my own pseudo scientist for my own self.
I discover
When I scrutinize thoughts and how they form and manifest in my head typically adjacent to my ears as if a person is suggesting them to me, I think of a whole list of steps starting with triggers and ending with a thought. then the question is what is the thought, well based on my own findings a thought is a thing that I can’t really define in concrete words, to me a thought is something that arrives to my awareness. It usually happens to me when I try to sleep at night and it does not bring anything positive at all, I actually do not like thinking.
The tossing and turning
It actually causes me to worry that I won’t be able to sleep and then I start counting the shrinking hours of darkness that I will sleep in. The bed gets hotter under me and the hotter it gets the more I turn and flip. My frustrated body gets exhausted during sleep I usually wake up the next afternoon to take a break, the thoughts then or those memories and worries start to take form and materialize, and somehow I enter into a very strange world in a state of midway awareness and sub-sleep in which my eyes are forced shut to elbow sleep upon my own self, ‘or on my own me, I do not know really what is me or what is I. Is it the physical body or the head’, so the state of imposing sleep is similar to trying to consume a huge meal on a full stomach, or forcing a cold shutdown on a PC with a malfunctioning power switch.
Not asleep or awake
So while my eyes are closed I do not know if I am asleep or awake because those thoughts begin to develop and grow into dreams while I’m still vaguely awake and asleep at the same time, I can see dreams and at the same time hear the cats and know which cat is mewing. It is so irritating when I doze off then wake up after three minutes to be unable to start the sleeping cycle again,or when I jump awake on the falling shock upon the shift of entering sleep.
Cooling my mind
It became a main objective of mine for years to achieve a cool mind, or cool the head or the brain, how to obtain an idle mind, or install some mental brakes within to disengage and enter the nothingness. My resources were always the free online platforms where anyone can turn on a camera and record a video, write, make a post, or fill a blog with the same things but in different order. Including doctors, self help gurus, self proclaimed experts, enthusiasts, amature explorers, or even a nemophilist, and so on and so forth. to discover a solution for my daily struggle while success and wealth are too my parallel goals. I was bewildered and did not know much anymore.
The sea of options
We are hammered with options upon options and choices upon choices to the point of massive confusion and almost self damage. I have not been living the expected life of my aspired excellence, I have made certain decisions years ago which still impact the characteristics of my everyday life and a big part of my awareness. Assume I was never born, the world would have never existed in my consciousness.
The foggy history
My profile history is clouded with soreness from the pains of life and the many challenges, the unfulfilled dreams, and the unreachable unclear goals. I observe my internal and emotional encounters with my existence. I came to realization that this is the nature of life,
Since the discovery of Youtube in the year 2005 it became the place of my education, never before was I exposed to the magic of self help and self improvement, and I fell under its spell, I became a believer in that power .
I was introduced to the selfhelp world
To my surprise the selfhelp business has failed me, it created promising results for the future, private jets and large castles will manifest. If you can just visualize them hard enough they become yours to have, it is the law of attraction. Bestseller masters make you feel you are accomplishing something but you really are not, the motivational speaker is a person who presents good explanations of all the steps to success but he or she does not bring success, this is my own finding, others can disagree with me, The gurus behind it will always put the blame on you when you fail, since you messed up and never succeeded to imagine the goals in a vivid clarity, or you were just normal enough to be a human.
How they deceive
I was seduced by the power of enthusiasm and the cults created by those gurus, and since then I have not reached the goals that I was after. I started to disbelieve in the movement, I started to see the flaws within the selfhelp system.I do not deny that it opens your mind to see new ways to view life, it teaches you a lot of techniques, it is filled with metaphors, stories, programs, and affirmations. but all on the informational level, It leads you to success theoretically not literally, it explains to you the manual to become perfect, read the course, listen to the audio or watch the lecture: information, information, information not backed with real results. the guru gets rich and you do not, the guru gets success and you stay in the shadow. and when 1 out of a 1000 followers hits the claimed results he or she becomes a testimony and a marketing instrument to draw more believing customers in search of wealth and happiness.
Human imperfection
I learned that the reason they keep selling their material to you is because they fill the natural human flaws that we mortals hold deeply in subconscious mind, we all think that we are imperfect and we desire perfection intrinsically, we are trying to fix something that is not broken, and become chasers of excellence, and when we hear the call to join the world of success we respond. Since we all think that we deserve success and alpha status, you can do it, see the magnificent-you reaching for the stars, and we start to follow the steps or programs suggested and taught by the speaker, we spend time, may be buy the book or podcast, register for the seminar, or sign up for the membership with a lot of enthusiasm and zeal to discover that things in real life are totally different from theory, so I found myself failing their systems.
My Peace of mind
Therefore I realized that it is very important for myself and my peace of mind to search for a way to bring calmness to my restless mind, I yearned for a blank mind running in the field of no-time-exist, like in the case of a movie scene where the character enters the speed of light zone and everything becomes white and still, but I would prefer the color gray, or cloudy rainy weather. I was able to create a scene of a water stream, it started to calm my mind, sometimes a tsunami waves on a rainy gloomy day where everything is being swept by water. Like the flood of Noah, a scene that may seem like a disaster and scary to think of, but for some reason I found it calming to imagine.
Humans can be scary
Maybe because there would not be any more humans left so I wouldn’t have to bear any responsibility towards anyone else. perhaps because there would be nobody left to judge me or make me aware of them. People can be a source of anxiety.
My own thoughts
Thoughts for me are a collection of worries, fears, negative scenarios, bad memories, unfulfilled dreams, recalls of bad experience, traumas, sadness and the creation of scary unreal events that may happen in the future. Thoughts for me are bad news, there is another type of thinking that I do in which to find a solution to a problem, or think of ways to accomplish a necessary task, I do not consider them thoughts, they are spontaneous and necessary and I look at them as means to finish a task, but I do not like them neither.
My struggle to live
I have been working as a freelancer installer, when I receive a call from a client to perform some job, I start to feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts which make the preparation for
the undertaking a time of mental suffering. Thoughts complicate the situation even more, and add weight to the burden of the task. The devil of worries will start to send the pessimistic suggestions in sequence, finish the job ASAP, the installation will fail, the client will give me a hard time, the devices installed will malfunction ,or some negative random bazaar scenarios like; the client may get physically violent by the end of the job. “On a few occasions I have seen clients get intoxicated and become very weird after sunset.” So what will be happening, then when the project begins I find myself experiencing a bitter taste in my mouth, and a rush that would possess me where my main objective becomes; finish the job and fly from the scene. I fight that feeling and make sure to deliver a good installation in the limited time I have to avoid rework. but the haste would ride me like two frogs fighting and you have to leap and hop with another frog on your back.
The preparation anxiety
A job to be accomplished the next day would give me anxiety, which keeps me up the previous night. Then I wake up deprived from sleep, and head to the installation site expecting surprises. I have to do a lot of praying to keep myself from not going. The site can be a house which brings extra stress for me trying not to break things or invade anyone’s privacy. When one thing does not go smoothly, my anxiety level hits the roof and I become extremely uncomfortable. I learned that those feelings are infectious, The clients start to become anxious as well. My voice becomes squeaky and my mouth becomes dry. I know in theory that performing a job in this fashion is unhealthy, I just can’t help it.
Not returning
I completely detest it and when a client calls after a while to ask for adjustments or service calls. I do not like returning to a job site ever again. Even if I am being paid the same amount. It stirs inside me a feeling of incompetence, when I do not need money I do not answer the phone at all, if a client becomes upset I find myself blocking the client’s number, I am just not comfortable with returning to a job or even listening to the client. I have learned these bad business practices from regular onsite service providers and I understand when they do the same to me I am sure they go through a lot of hardships to make money. It is a bad practice, and I usually explain to clients and hint to them about my way of doing business so they can change their mind and save me the headache this way.
The plan
I try to use the most reliable and tested hardware which I have used several times before and proved to be heavy duty, but since clients look for the lowest price and I need to eat too I provide them with what fits their budget and cross my fingers, they usually do not break for long time, I do not like offering warranty or any form of promises that I know I am not fulfilling. Again this is what I feel and usually go against this feeling and perform the warranty and the service calls, because I feel guilty.
