My Own Little Bubble

Are you good?

Yeah.

Lies.

I’m fine.

In just outside.

I didn’t speak. I just stare at my phone not doing anything...

I know you than you know yourself. You’re not fine.

Why are you asking me, then?

Dumbass, I’m asking you because I just wanted to test if you gonna tell me the truth.

Why am I a friend of this girl?

Hey, I can hear you!

Whatever.

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. It’s quiet, the world is calm right now. My parents are not currently home and also my sister. I don’t want to go with them, I just want to lie on my bed and read some novels, manhwa, manhua, and manga.

You’re lazy.

I know.

You’re noisy.

Whatever just shut up.

Okay... I’ll disappear.

Don’t come back.

She chuckled. I will.

Sigh. She is really noisy and so damn annoying, she keeps asking me a bunch of questions that she already knows the answers to. But in a good way, she’s a great friend.

Are we friends?

Her name is Hailey, my imaginary friend or my subconscious. It’s been weeks since I created her... I don’t know how I created her but I just started talking in my mind and someone would answer me until she appeared in front of me. She was beautiful; I was stunned by her beauty, she has a different face even though she’s my subconscious- she said I created her face.

At first, I thought I was crazy, that I’m insane, that I was sick but I started to believe her because she disappeared, of course, it easily sink into me because I’m a reader-otaku, I’ve read/watched many fantasy anime. She’s my imaginary friend, I’d never wish to have a friend. I’m fine being alone, but Hailey... She’s fun and clingy, I can touch her, I’m the only one who can hear, touch, and see her.

Of course, I’m the only one who can see her because she’s my imaginary friend. She’s annoying, she always keeps bothering me but in a good way, she didn’t appear for two days, I started to miss her and called her in my mind but she didn’t answer. I don’t know, she doesn’t know why she can’t appear but it didn’t happen after that, she always sticks with me wherever I go, I love her.

You mean yourself.

Gosh, I’m a little startled.

No, I mean you.

I’m you... So, you love yourself.

I don’t... I don’t love myself.

Why did you come back?

Ouch, I’m hurt it seems you aren’t happy that I immediately came back.

Just leave. I want to rest and have a peaceful mind.

Okay. She pouted and disappeared.

Ughhh, finally, I can have a peaceful mind. By the way, I’m Shiina Mae. Not gonna tell you my last name. I’m still 18 years old. Single since birth, no until I die I will never see anyone ever. I hate going into a relationship, I just want to be alone. It seems I’m lonely, yes I am but I don’t care, I love to be alone, it’s peaceful and I have no one to worry about at all, just myself...

I know. I know that I am sick in my head. Hailey is not real. She’s not here. I should stop talking with someone who doesn’t exist but somehow I don’t want to stop. My inner subconscious was right; I don’t like to be alone. I’m scared of being forgotten, I’m scared that no one remembers me at all. I want to be something special to someone and I felt it in Hailey- basically my subconscious. But I like it. I grow fond of something I created.

“I’ll go there.” Sister Gen says. She sat at her friend’s side. I’m left alone...

“How about you go there, Shiina.” my mom speaks, she sits on the right side. We’re currently here at my mother’s relative’s house.

“I just sat here,” I answered. Mom nodded.

Sometimes someone asked me why I’m not talking or approaching them at all. I didn’t answer, it was just my mother or sister who answered them. I’m shy, and I’ve been insecure since I matured. I was at an early age when I’ve become mature and knows what I’m doing, I’m insecure about myself. I’m one of the introverts who doesn’t like crowds, gatherings, or other events. It suffocates me and I know many people are the same as me.

Join them.

No.

Why?

You already know why...

Just try.

I don’t know how!

Oh. Okay, sorry.

How ironic. My inner subconscious telling-persuading me to talk with my relatives is funny. It’s like I want to talk with them. Oh god, of course, I do. It’s me who’s persuading myself. Crazy. Being an introvert is hard. I’m so freaking cowardly and anxious to approach them. How I wish I could just be invisible.

I stood up from sitting on the sofa for over 27 minutes. Getting two pieces of pizza and a glass of juice and went back to my seat. Surprisingly, it’s good. Oh, I mean my aunt baked the pizza. I’m odd. I’m the only one who’s sitting alone. How envious. She is surrounded by many.

I envy her, my sister.

Gen, we’re the same “mae” she has a Mae in her name; but the opposite. Sis is 3 years older than me. She kinda has a bad attitude but she’s smart, independent, confident, pretty, sociable and also she can fit everywhere, she can fight for herself, and while the other mae.

Everything she has, I don’t have anything to it.

She has a bad attitude and I don’t have that kind of attitude.

She’s smart but I’m not.

She’s independent but I’m not.

She’s confident but I’m just insecure.

She’s pretty but I’m not.

She’s sociable but I’m not.

She can fit everywhere she goes, while I don’t fit at all, I’m mostly at the corner; waiting for the time would stop.

She can fight for herself but here i am, I’m weak-i can’t stand up for myself.

Everything that i have is just my good personality, i have high patience you know, well except for Hailey, I don’t have patience with her.

I always envy my sister, and I sometimes compare myself to her. I don’t love myself, didn’t I? Aaah, it’s tiring facing many people around me.

I just want everyone to ignore me, i don’t care if no one cares for me it’s great that no one cares for me so that no one will talk to me. I just want to be alone, they don’t understand it. Mom and sis sometimes complained and nagged at me about why i don’t join her, my sister. Why i won’t join singing with them, why I’d never talked to someone at the church. I just stayed silent, i don’t want them to know the reason and i know they wouldn’t understand me.

Sometimes, when I’m zoning out, i would think what if i have power, and then i would create a world wherein I’m the only one who lives. A world where i could be happy and have fun. It must be nice having that kind of power. If that happens, i don’t need to worry about class, family gatherings, and facing/talking with someone. But that is impossible. It won’t happen. It will never.

I know it won’t but just let me create my world. Oh, the word ‘world’ is too common. Hmm...

Call it BUBBLE!

I looked at Hailey. She’s smiling widely. I chuckle. Yeah. A flying world, a clear and bright world. My world. My Bubble.