Chapter 1
I am going to be very truthful in this, tell everything that’s in my heart. pour my heart outAs I was writing from the bottom of my heart, please don’t care about the grammar.
It all starts on 25 sept 2025, the day I noticed him, the day I finally saw him, the day he entered my life and occupied it fully.
HE/HIM/HIS
So it all started when we first went for an Industrial Visit (IV) at Bangalore.He was my classmate, and at that time, I was seriously suffering from depression, mentally exhausted, and emotionally unstable. He heard my entire story, consoled me, stayed with me, made me feel okay, motivated me, gave me a reason to live, and to smile. No one was there for my friend and me. Even for lunch, it’s just me and my friend, that time I felt really bad cause everyone had some group to sit with.. but here we both are alone in some corner. That time he entered our space and my heart too, through the entire journey, he made sure we never left alone. Maybe because of that act.. still I’m holding onto him.
I got some problems there, and knowing or unknowing, I started to share those problems with him (That time I never knew that in the future I would be ready to share my whole life with him)
He consoled me, and I really liked the way he consoled me. I thought at least now I found an opposite gender best friend, not knowing this gonna be my life-changing decision.
HIS HOODIES
I couldn’t handle Bangalore’s cold. I didn’t have my hoodies with me, and I was struggling to bear it. The moment I told him how cold I was, he took off the hoodie he was wearing and wrapped me in it. That day, he didn’t just protect me from the cold — he gave my heart the warmth it had been craving for so long.
His hoodie smelled like him. It smelled like home, the home my heart had been aching to find.
That warmth slowly pulled my heart toward him. It made my eyes search for him in every crowd, and maybe... it was the moment I unknowingly grew attached to him.
THE FIRST HUG
My very first hug was from him. When I shared my pain with him, he hugged me and made sure I was okay.
When we arrived at the Chennai metro, he carried my baggage. Even though I told him I could handle it myself, he gently took it from my hands.
Later, I got my periods on the train. I was struggling to move around and was scared of leaking. When I told him about it, he simply pulled me into a side hug and said, “It’ll be okay. Go home safely and message me once you reach home.”
That moment completely changed my perspective on him.
After I got home, he was the only person my heart kept searching for. I tried convincing myself that he was just my classmate who became my best friend, but somewhere along the way, he had quietly become someone far more special to me.
SEEING HIM
I still remember the way my heart jumped and my chest tightened whenever I saw him after a long time — after we had shared those moments together. My eyes would instantly light up, and my lips would curl into a smile on their own.
Before all of this, I had never really noticed him. I had never heard much about him, never given him importance, never realized how beautiful he truly looked. But after that one phase of my life, my eyes became completely captivated by him.
Wherever I went, I felt his presence. In everything I saw, somehow, I saw him too. Whenever I came across a dress or something beautiful, I imagined how good it would look on him. I wanted to buy things for him, wanted to gift him something every single day.
But who was I to him?
How could I give someone everything my heart wanted to give when I didn’t even know what place I held in his life? Was I truly his friend, or just another classmate?
That nervousness, that insecurity, slowly surrounded me completely and consumed me.
What if he thought I was pestering him?What if he thought I was overdoing things?What if he thought I was following him?What if he found out what I truly carried in my heart?
What if... what if...
And then, I came up with a solution - I needed a valid reason to stay in his life, a valid tag to remain close to him.(The solution sounded right at the time, but I ended up choosing a tag that still haunts me to this day.)
MY BIRTHDAY
My birthday fell during the holidays. Everyone wished me - some posted Instagram stories for me, some called me, some texted me. But my soul was waiting for only one person, ignoring everyone else. No matter how many stories people posted for me, I kept waiting for that one single story from him.
As time kept passing, my heart slowly grew anxious.
Did he forget my birthday?Am I not important to him?Am I not worthy enough for a simple story?Can’t he just wish me once?
I waited the entire day for just one notification from him- only one.
I kept checking my Instagram again and again, and each time, disappointment quietly settled deeper into my chest. My heart slowly began to sink.
But suddenly, a notification appeared.
Without thinking for even a second, I opened the chat immediately.
And there it was.
He had posted a story for me.For me. Finally, just for me.
It was around 8:30 PM. He posted my picture with the caption, “Happy Birthday Natpeyy!!”
My mind went blank. My heart jumped so hard it almost hurt. My whole body was literally trembling with excitement.
He posted me. He posted something about me.Something meant only for me.
CELEBRATION
Two days after my birthday, I came to college like usual. Everything felt normal on the outside. As always, I kept stealing glances at him without him knowing (without anyone knowing). During lunch break, I thought all of us would go eat together. But he suddenly said he had somewhere to go and handed me his bags before leaving. I carried them back to class, marked attendance for him, and sat there quietly. And somewhere in the middle of all that silence, I started scolding myself.
“If I had been born as a male, maybe I could’ve gone with him freely. Why was I born as a female? Why?”
Lunch break continued like any other day until my classmate came to me and said,“There’s a surprise for you. Come to the tea shop.”
I walked there without understanding anything. And then I saw him.
He was standing there holding a cake.
I don’t know what happened to me in that moment. I had never felt something like that before. When they opened the cake box, I saw my name written on it. My whole class was standing there in front of me, singing the birthday song while he stood among them, smiling and wishing me.
Inside, I was screaming.Inside, I was crying.
How did this man know exactly how to make me smile?How did he give me a kind of happiness I had never felt before?
No one in my life had ever arranged a surprise cake cutting for me.
No one... except him.
At that moment, all I wanted was to hug him and cry on his shoulder, but I couldn’t :) But I did get one thing - a small moment that meant everything to me.
I got to feed him cake with my own hands. And he fed me too.
That day, I silently swore to myself that I would do anything just to make him happy. I wanted to be the reason behind his smile, the reason behind his laughter, the person who could make even his worst days feel lighter. Because after everything he unknowingly gave me — the warmth, the comfort, the happiness I had never felt before, caring him started feeling less like a choice and more like something my heart naturally existed for.
ADMIRATION
I started noticing every little detail about him.
The way his hair naturally straightened up, the tiny mole on his nose, the silver chain around his neck with a ring hanging from it, the clean shave that somehow made him look even softer. I even noticed the small mole behind his neck. His brown eyes were dangerous in the gentlest way possible - they could make me smile automatically from afar, but the moment they met mine, I would completely stumble over myself.
And his face... God (Kadavuleyyy), his face carried a kind of peace I could stare at for hours without ever feeling bored or distracted.
Then came his smile - the bunny teeth that appeared whenever he laughed, the smile that made my heart flutter without permission.
And his voice... That voice somehow settled deep inside my soul and stayed there like it belonged.
Not to forget those plump lips that my eyes always seemed to search for first. At some point, I stopped understanding my own feelings.
Was I just caring for him...
or was I hopelessly, deeply in love with him?
As the song says, “the beauty of his face is beyond my wildest dreams” and somehow, those words felt as if they were written only for him. Because no matter how much I tried, I could never fully explain the way my eyes softened whenever I looked at him. There was just something about his face that felt unreal to me, not only beautiful, but comforting, peaceful, and dangerously addictive to my heart.
I still remember the way he told me a story about a puppy.
We were standing in front of his hostel when a small puppy came running behind its mother. Looking at it, he quietly told me that there were originally two puppies. But one morning, when they came out to start the bike and leave for college, one of the puppies got hit by a scooty and died on the spot. “It was heartbreaking,” he said softly. we picked it up and kept it safely at the corner of the road before coming to college. If it were still alive, this puppy would’ve had a brother or sister to play with.
And while he was telling me all of this, all I could do was admire him.
Admire the softness (babyness) in his voice.Admire the way his tone turned so gentle while speaking about something so small.Admire how a man who looked so strong could still carry a heart as soft as a child’s.
The way I looked at him in that moment... I knew he was no longer just a crush to me. And definitely not just a classmate.
HOW COULD THIS MAN EVER HURT ME?
How could I have possibly believed that one day, the same person who once felt like warmth, comfort, and peace would become the reason behind my pain?
Did I ever, even for a second in my life, imagine that he would hurt me?
No.
Never.
Because I looked at him with a heart so full of love that I never thought those same eyes would one day cry because of him.
FIRST HEARTBREAK
It was semester exam time. Nervousness was spreading everywhere. I couldn’t concentrate properly. On top of that, I couldn’t even see him. I texted him, but it kept showing “Delivered 2 hours ago.” I checked the chat again and again. I felt exhausted.
At least tell me hello.At least tell me you’re okay.
And finally, after hours of waiting, I got a reply. I felt excited... but also strangely sad, because I knew if I didn’t reply immediately, It would become another “Delivered 5 hours ago” notification on my phone.
So I dropped that whole stereotype of “waiting before replying” :) I texted him back instantly. A smile spread across my face so naturally. I felt like a military wife waiting for her husband’s arrival or even just one message from him.
But I needed a reason to talk to him every day, didn’t I? That’s when I found one. I started sending him notes to study. I began reading the entire syllabus carefully, writing and composing notes properly just so I could send them to him. And the moment he told me that my notes were clear and that he liked them...
God, it felt unreal.
So I continued.
I kept sending notes, kept studying, and soon exams began. During every exam, I gave my absolute full potential. The only thoughts running through my mind were:
“I should score high.”“I should write well.”“I should finish fast so I can see him.”“If I get good marks, maybe I can continue sending him notes.”“Maybe he’ll congratulate me.”
And honestly, I really did give it my all. After every exam, all of us would go for lunch together. And every single time, I would silently pray to every god possible: “Please let me sit next to him.” I don’t know which god heard me, but sometimes I actually got to sit beside him.
Not always. But even a few moments felt enough for my heart. I wanted those moments to continue forever. But I never understood why time moved so fast whenever I was with him. At the same time, my words would completely disappear around him.
I never knew what to say.How to start a conversation.How to make him look at me.Why he kept staring at his phone instead of talking to me.
Just... talk to me.
But how could I ask for that? And after every lunch, while returning on the bus, I would cry — internally and sometimes externally too. Partly because I regretted not spending more time with him. And partly because leaving him, even for a few hours, strangely hurt me. No one had ever made me feel included before.
But he did. He included me. He thought about me. He wondered if I might be hungry.And he genuinely invited me for lunch.Did he really think about me?
As time passed, I became friends with one of his friends. She slowly became like an elder sister to me — caring, comforting, and kind. Back then, I never knew I would grow so close to her.
Life really is unpredictable.
One day, she invited all of us out for lunch. It was just a simple lunch for everyone else, but for me, it felt like so much more. when they asked me what I wanted to eat, I froze. I looked at him. The man I liked was sitting so close to me that my words got stuck in my throat. So instead of answering, I quietly asked him what I should eat. He ordered something for me. Honestly, I didn’t even know what he had ordered until the food arrived.
But in the middle of all those soft moments, something painful was quietly waiting for me. He suddenly told his friends that the girl he liked had finally texted him again. And the way his eyes glowed while talking about her... God, that moment made my heart drop instantly.
He looked genuinely happy.He said she had finally realized her mistake, apologized to him, and texted him again. Then he started asking his friends whether he should accept her back or not. Everyone around him was giving opinions, telling him not to fall in love with her again. But I was still stuck on one thing.
His eyes really glowed for her? Does he still love her that much?
And while everyone else kept talking, my mouth quietly let out a few words without me even realizing it.
“Then... what about me?” He never heard it.
But one of his friends did.And honestly... What about me?I already knew he didn’t love me the way I loved him, but why did it hurt this badly?Was I really in love?What was I supposed to do now?
Ah...
My first heartbreak from him, without him realizing :)
No words in this world could ever truly describe the beauty of him the way my eyes do - for every time I look at him, language falls silent, and even poetry feels too small to hold the wonder of his existence.
