Chapter 1
PART ONE: THE INCIDENT
r/Advice
u/Throw_Away_9819 · 2d
Brother (M25) walked in on me (F22) masturbating
Throwaway as my friends follow my main account.
TL;DR My (F22) brother (M25) accidentally walked in on me while masturbating. Obviously, we are both feeling embarrassed and awkward, but he’s stopped speaking to me and gets angry when I try to address the situation.
This happened just over 2 weeks ago. My brother has been avoiding me since it happened and has been rude and hostile toward me when he does see me. I don’t understand it.
I’m actually crying as I type this.
We have always been close and are quite open with each other. He’s always been a kind and supportive older brother. We’ve had many conversations about sex and relationships. We’ve even talked about masturbation before.
Never anything explicit, but what I felt was normal conversation, y’know? Like, we’ve discussed safe sex, red flags in relationships, and the health benefits of self-pleasure.
I have always felt comfortable around him, and we’ve never had issues resolving altercations or addressing negative things. Truthfully, we have rarely experienced issues or altercations.
Of course, in our younger years there was some teasing and shoving. Hurt feelings. But I think we’ve always gotten along so well because we aren’t biologically related. His parents (the people I now consider my parents), were my godparents. And they got guardianship and custody of me when my bio parents passed away after a car accident.
So I kind of think that staved off our fighting like other siblings may have. He’s always been a bit protective of me – never letting friends or schoolmates tease me. That sort of thing.
When all this happened, I was initially upset and embarrassed by what he saw. And he definitely saw! It was clear what I was doing. Now I’m worried about our relationship and him hating me.
I'm so confused and hurt. I walked in on him having sex once, and my response was NOTHING like his response has been towards me.
We both moved away from home for university in California. We went to separate schools, but they are close to each other. I still have a few months left at uni, but he finished and is living out here with his girlfriend (F25).
When Covid hit a few months ago and everything shut down, he invited me to come live with them instead of moving 1,000 miles back home. It’s their condo, and I rent a room. The little bit I pay helps with bills and groceries.
Since Covid, we have been very serious about quarantine, so most of the time, it is just the 3 of us. I haven’t had sex in quite some time. Naturally, I am masturbating often at night when I know I won’t be disturbed, and I won’t disturb anyone else.
My brother has never come into my room without knocking, and he always waits to get confirmation from me to open the door and walk in.
It was late at night. Probably around 1 in the morning, and I was masturbating on my bed, listening to something smutty with my Airpods in.
My bed faces directly to the door. There is no way he could have misconstrued what was happening. It wasn’t like he walked in on me under the blankets with my hand moving in a way that could be masturbation or could be me scratching an itch…He saw me completely naked, knees up and legs spread with a vibrator right on my clit.
He probably knocked and called my name, but I was completely oblivious and didn’t hear anything.
I didn’t even hear him enter, but I felt the air change. Like a gust of wind from the hallway or something. When I looked up, he was standing there. I frantically pulled the blankets over myself, and I screamed “Get Out!”
He shut the door quickly, and I heard him say “What the fuck?” and he said “sorry” multiple times.
I was completely mortified. Like, wanted to just climb in a hole and die. I stayed in my room until dinnertime the next day. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t want to face him or his girlfriend – in case he had told her what all the screaming was about.
I didn’t see him much over the next few days. We were both avoiding each other. He even ate dinner in his office instead of at the table with me and his girlfriend. And we’ve been eating dinner together every day since Covid.
It got so awkward that even she noticed and kept asking us both what was wrong – so I guess he had not told her at that point. I definitely think he’s told her now.
Anyway, I had assumed she had heard one of us shouting the other night, but maybe not…
I thought that we would just forget about it and move on. Maybe even laugh about it. Like I said, he’s always been so kind and supportive towards me.
He’s acting normal with his girlfriend, and I hear them laughing together, so it’s clearly just me. I asked her if he’s okay a few times and she was really dismissive and said he was fine. This is what makes me think he’s told her now – which is extra embarrassing.
It’s now been more than 2 weeks since he walked in on me, and we’ve barely spoken. I tried to talk to him. He works from home and all my classes are online now, so there’s hours of the day where it’s just the 2 of us. I thought maybe he would talk to me if his girlfriend wasn’t around.
I’ve brought him cups of coffee, made lunch for both of us, and asked how he is doing. I can’t get more than 2 words from him. I told him I was sorry for shouting at him. I was just so embarrassed.
All he did was frown at me and say “okay…”
It made me feel so disheartened that I kind of just left it alone. I thought he might need more space, because he seemed more embarrassed than I was.
However, earlier today he lashed out at me when I tried to address it with him. I approached him while his girlfriend was out doing a grocery order pick up for the week. I apologized again and asked if we could please talk about moving on from it.
He said, “Look, I really don’t want to speak to you.”
When I told him that wasn’t fair, and I didn’t understand why he was so upset with me and wasn’t speaking to me, his response was “I can’t even look at you.”
He can’t even look at me? He’s acting like this is entirely my fault. He has never spoken to me like this before. I really don’t understand why he is so angry.
I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do. He has always been the person I have loved and trusted the most my entire life. But now everything has changed.
He’s usually very open and progressive, so I’m surprised he seems so offended (and maybe disgusted?) by what happened.
Masturbation is normal, and I don’t think I should be shamed for doing it.
I understand he might be embarrassed. I was too! But I don’t understand his hostility towards me.
More than 2 weeks is surely enough time to move past the discomfort of walking in on me, right?
We’ve never gone this long without speaking. He’s one of my best friends, but his attitude is making this so much worse. It’s all so out of character.
Even our parents has started to think something’s wrong. We usually video chat with them once a week, but we haven’t for the past 2 weeks.
We’ve each called or texted separately. I told my mom that we had an argument, and that I don’t know what to do. That’s all she knows.
I love living with my brother and his girlfriend, but now I feel like I’m not welcome. I’m worried he’s going to ask me to leave and then cut off all contact with me.
That’s what it feels like, and I can’t stop sobbing.
Have I accidentally ruined everything?
Should I give him space?
Should I talk to my parents or to his girlfriend?
Should I ask him why he’s so angry? I don’t think he will tell me anything, but should I try?
I don’t want to push him further away, but at this point, I’m not sure I have much more to lose.
