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Jane
Jane woke me up at 6 and kept me in bed till 9. I was busy breaking free of a nightmare that I can no longer remember but this horrible feeling of it is still in my stomach. Why does my heart remember the nauseating feelings of things my brain doesn’t bother to recall any more?
I stared at every speck of dust that hung on every piece of every wall in my room. I spent 3 hours conjuring details of past events that did not matter 3 seconds after they had taken place. I do that a lot .. Meaningless anxiousness. I care about everyone and everything regardless of their worthy of my worry.
J wasn’t too thrilled with this behaviour. I felt her judgmental sentiments in the air with no need for actions nor words. She is a tough lover I can already tell. Well, I can tell she’s tough, but I can only hope for her love.
It’s our first day together, we basically just met. Even though our encounter was destined since the first ray of light was thrown into existence. Too poetic? Nah, there is no such thing as too much poetry. I wasn’t particularly waiting for her, I just knew of her coming and hoped for the gentle. I hope for gentle in everything these days. I’ve become too fragile lately. I wasn’t a durable being, to begin with. But my best friend who had recently become my only friend left me and this whole piece f earth and went on to her own future. I don’t get comfortable with ease with anyone. So this was a nightmare.
My feelings were pretty much inflamed. Now I’m better I think. I hope. I haven’t found a replacement. Person, hobby nor unhealthy habits like smoking or excessive eating. I just stare my problems away. Meaning I stare into the distance for how long it takes till I untie the knot that is chocking my soul.
On the other hand, Jane’s arrival was actually looked forward to by the whole world. Well, the earth, I don’t think any other beings cared for her. Actually, by the whole human race*, animals and plants and buildings and other sorts of things don’t care about her either. Sorry, Jane.
She is the saviour who will lift us all from our misery and take us to our sure-to-be fresh rise of the ashes!
Why do new beginnings feel like a promise of good things even though they’re mostly not? Is that a testament of how good we are at ignoring disappointments? Is that why we still believe in horoscopes?
..
J was warm today. Yesterday was cold. Sitting away from a heater felt like being pierced by needles in every joint in my body.
I love winter, and I love the cold but to an extent. I can’t go on with my chores when I am in constant search for heat to calm down the shivering body of mine.
I think I dislike the feeling because at some point my brain ceases to distinguish the cause of shiver. And being the anxious motor of stress that I am, it jumps to the conclusion that I am stressed and not cold. Then presents me with reasons to be stressed. Idiot.
..
I didn’t talk to Jane much today. She was present but a bit ignored. She brought me good things to look forward to, though. Hope I can make her stay that way.
Well, I don’t know yet if they’re good or not. She arranged an outing with old school friends. I think I miss them but I’m not so sure. Why does dinner with friends you’ve known for 20 years feel like dinner with your in-laws? They want to know every detail they don’t care about. The spouse in this analogy is the time you’ve known each other. It’s the only reason they ask about anything related to you.
It’s the evening now. J’s first day is almost finished. Especially since it’s almost my bedtime.
I’m alone in a dark room, the power is out. It goes out for 3 hours every 3 hours. Hope J fixes this.
