She Look Good in Red

They told me I look good in red.

And so I chose red. The hem of my bloody red dress went up because of the wind. I admire how I look tonight as I stand on a narrow ledge eight stories above the ground. I’m so high up, I’m practically part of the sky. I look down at the pavement below, and the world tilts. I close my eyes, enjoying the way everything spins. Maybe this time I’ll do it—let the air carry me away. It will be like floating in a pool, drifting off until there’s nothing.

I intentionally made myself look good tonight. I told myself that even after a bad fall, at least I look good? Somehow? I don’t really remember how I got here. This happens every time – the blanking out, spacing out, the waking up. I remember my neighbor, the old woman, who always go home drunk and then the next day becomes like nothing ever happened that night.

Upon this narrow ledge eight story building, I keep standing still and look down upon the world, admiring the almost-not-glowing streetlights of this town, no dark clouds anywhere in sight. Last look, is what they call it. I close my eyes as I remember once when I sat upon this very ledge, many years ago, with legs dangling in the air. Held back only by my arms, the only thing that kept me in reality.

I was a dreamer back then. I used to stand here and dream about the happy future that I want for myself. But as I walk through this road, suddenly I was lost. I had nowhere to go, no directions nor a map to follow through. I felt dead.

When the dreamer dies, what happens to the dream?

I open my eyes, and the ground is still there, rough and permanent. My arms are outstretched as though I’m preaching, and my audience is the entire not-very-large, boring, dull town.

“I look good in red, aren’t I?” I shout. “I don’t want to live anymore,” Death, why, you ask? I don’t even know the answer myself. I stopped asking questions about my life ’cause I can’t seem to find any answers to any of those. Having just woken up and all, I think about dying.

From making a list on how to live a good life everyday to finding good places to plot my death and making a list out of it.

From reading inspiring interviews about living a life with magic to reading English translated Japanese book about suicide.

Has anybody seen my will to live? Under the bed, above the sky and starts, I can’t find it anywhere.

They said go back to where you came from, go back to where you began. I did go back, I still can’t find it.

I breathe heavily. I tightly closed my eyes then opened it. A sense of calm descend, knowing that I am finally doing it. I have been plotting this. I have been waiting for this.

I still lived a good life, didn’t I? I’m doing this.

I heard the door of the rooftop opening. I didn’t mind who it was. Rather, I closed my eyes and let the air carry me down.

A tear left my eye. I am ready.

“Hey!”

Before I could even touch the hard ground and reach the paradise of death, I fell back to the ground of the rooftop. Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me back. Maybe it was the person who I heard opened the door.

“Hey! Are you okay? Why were you on that ledge? What were you thinking? You could have fall and died,” He said one after another. He was almost shouting. His face looks so worried. Doesn’t he know what I was doing, really?

I opened my eyes to see the guy who stopped me from reaching the paradise. I feel weak. I can’t seem to move my body. My eye got heavy. I slightly parted my mouth. I raised my finger slowly and point it at him.

“Y-you,” I said

“W-why did you s-stop me from reaching the paradise?” I asked in almost a whisper.

My eyes are half open but I can see his clueless and worried face. I bet this man is thinking what paradise I was talking about.

“What do you mean? One wrong step and you could’ve died, miss.”

I shook my head and laugh a little. We were still on that awkward position. I was still on top of him, looking so weak.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” I whispered

“What? Don’t tell me you were actually gonna kill yourself?” He said as if he can’t believe the fact.

I smiled. Finally, he got it. I nodded as a response. The next thing I know, everything went black even before I could get to see him panic.