My Neighbour ,,, Review
"Hi Roua
Rather than itemise things in your first chapter, I have taken the liberty of roughing up a full edit that you might care to look at and compare. I didn't find it too bad, actually. I like your writing style, but you do need to use diminutives a little more ie. you're instead of you are etc - it gives it a more natural feel.
There was a tendency to have dialogue that didn't perform any real function other than to pad the story out - I hope I have identified this in the draft edit. All in all, quite creditable. I don't know where it's going but I am interested to find out, Two things I didn't like: the title (how about Hooker or something simple like that) and the Blurb which really sounds like nothing more than a first paragraph. The blurb needs to summarise the story and this doesn't really,
'The first time I met my neighbour she seemed like a nice girl. We chatted for a few minutes and went our separate ways. I would never have expected her to do what she did for a living, She was a prostitute. I couldn’t tell her that late at night I would sometimes wake up because of the sounds coming from her apartment – I don’t think she knew that I could hear her.
I had just moved to the neighbourhood. I’m not usually a people person – I like my ‘me’ time more than anything else but when I saw my neighbour for the first time, she seemed like someone I could be friends with. She smiled as she extended her hand to me and said: “You’re new here! I’m Gena.”
“Yeah. I just moved her last week,” I said, taking her hand. “I’m Matilda.”
“Lovely name,” she said as we left the elevator, “have a great evening,”
Our paths didn’t cross for a while after that first time. I had just moved to the city to start a dream job as a magazine editor. It meant long hours at the office and I spent the next couple of weeks focused entirely on my work. When I had some free time I spent it trying to get to know my co-workers over dinner or a cup of coffee. I literally had no social life whatsoever and although I wanted to fit in as quickly as possible, I didn’t feel I could become friends with any of them. Frankly, I think it would have been a mistake anyway. Mixing work and friendship is often unwise – it deters you from making the right decisions when you have to do something that might impact on a friendship with colleagues.
I wasn’t always like that but some bad experiences in the past had persuaded me otherwise. You don’t have anything in common with workplace friendship apart from work: not like real friends.
Our next meeting was serendipitous, as it happens. I like to buy things in bulk, cook them up and freeze them, and I sometimes go overboard, so I was carrying this heavy load of groceries and couldn’t open the street door properly. Gena was walking behind me and she jumped in front of me and held the door for me. I noticed that she was wearing a substantial amount of makeup this time: her face had been bare when we first met.
As we both waited for the elevator it was Gena who started the conversation again “Long time, no see,” she said. “Looks like you’re preparing for hibernation by the amount of stuff you’re carrying.”
“Oh yeah, I like to buy things in bulk,” I said. “I think it’s more efficient.”
I told her that I usually precooked my meals and froze what I could and it transpired that she didn’t cook, herself – couldn’t cook, in fact. She generally ordered in all her food, so I suggested she come over some time. I could use the company.
“I would love that!” she said. “When?”
“Tomorrow?” I said.
“Afraid not,” she said. “I’m working until late. Maybe the day after?”
“Sure. Sounds good,” I said.'
I have a number of novels up for the novel contest if you would care to reciprocate,. Take your pick.
'To Hell with the Harp! www.inkitt.com/stories/149100
Slippered! www.inkitt.com/stories/148145
Hair of the Dog www.inkitt.com/stories/147116"
