The Diary of a Broken Heart

Looking out my window and staring up at a bright, pale moon I think to myself, "how did I get here?" Two months ago I was a wife and a full time stay at home mother to two beautiful children. But, tonight I was trying to accept my new home which consisted of four doors and a battery that died each time I'd turn the key.

January was by far the coldest month I had ever experienced in my twenty-seven years but, then again it wasn't nearly as cold as the eight years of marriage I had spent with an apathetic man. After all, he was the reason I was sleeping in a Wal-Mart's parking lot.

I needed to save gas for work but I knew if I turned that key I would regret it. I at least wouldn't have to be at work in three hours but given the fact that I had two children that needed me, freezing to death wasn't exactly an option.

I had just started my new job two weeks ago but I had missed the pay roll so I had another week left until I would receive my first paycheck. I knew my mom was becoming fed up of my constant asking for money as well as had been curious as to what I was spending her money on.

She had a right to be concerned. I didn't exactly tell her about my current living situation like I should have nor did I look the same as I had two weeks ago. I was using every cent she'd lend me for gas but never for food. Of course, I had two choices but both had difficult consequences which meant I had to pick my battle. I could have either spent the money on gas so I could get to work and drive twenty miles after to see my children or I could sit in my car with a full belly of regret because I didn't choose my kids.

In my mind I really didn't see two options. I only saw one. But, that doesn't mean I didn't struggle with the temptation of buying food. There were days that I would stare at the money in my hands and convince myself that I didn't need to eat.

Each time I drove past Mcdonald's I'd count the days I had left of when I would receive my first pay check. I could literally taste the food. My constant day dreaming about eating would get the best of me, sometimes to the point I had to avert my focus on anything else with my children being my motivation.

I could have told my mom about my living situation but her and I were already having issues due to the divorce and her not understanding why. I had felt awful for asking her for money because I knew she was confused.

All she knew, basing off of my appearance, was that I was losing weight but that there was no way I could've been starving because she was lending me money so it was hard for her to believe that I was honestly using all of that money for gas which I was asking for quite often. All around it looked bad to her but, I was embarrassed of my situation so I had kept the other half of the truth to myself.

I shouldn't have been homeless in the first place. My ex husband and I had made a deal that he would let me stay until I could save up and find an apartment. Once I had started working I had explained to him that I had missed the pay roll and because I was a new employee I wouldn't receive my first paycheck for three weeks. Not to mention that my first paycheck wasn't going to be enough for me to move out as soon as he wanted me to.

Which made him mad and had caused us to fight every single day because he wanted me gone. But, I had explained to him that I didn't get anything from our divorce and if I had left before my three weeks were up I would be living in my car.

But, of course he had rich parents so he didn't quite understand my point of view because had the tables been turned he would have had a place to stay. In fact, he would have had a full functioning car and with that being said he wouldn't have struggled at all because his parents are that wealthy. But, his parents were the main cause of our problems.

While we were engaged we had begun looking to buy a home together. We had found one that we really liked but, without informing me he had signed the papers and instead of having me co-sign he had his mother sign in my place.

You know that saying, "home sweet home?" Well, in this case that saying was a complete lie. When it came down to choosing the carpet and shades of paint it had to be whatever he wanted and his parents had made sure of it.

I remember walking into this store with my soon to be father in law where there were all these different types of carpets displayed. I didn't like the carpet that my fiance had chosen which he knew I disagreed with but his father had yelled at me that day because I was looking at another display that I had no intentions on purchasing. I was just simply looking which frustrated him and he had stated that his son wanted this specific carpet and that's what we were going to get.

Then when it came to painting my finance had made it known that he liked the darker shades but, the house we had bought was already dark as it was. I had tried explaining to my fiance that a darker shade would give off a depressing vibe which he was starting to come around to the idea.

Well, that was until his mother showed up with three shade samples that included dark, darker and darkest. I had asked her if there were any lighter shades in which she stated I had to pick one of the three options she had brought. All shades that would make her son happy.

That day I had realized it wasn't actually my home. It was my fiance's and whatever he wanted he got and my opinions got shut down which was ridiculous given the fact that I was the only one who actually cleaned the house. Which would have been a lot less stressful had I been cleaning a house that was actually mine.

That theory was proven true the day my husband and I had met up with a testator to sign our wills. I wasn't too surprised when his mother had shown up but I'll admit I had found it odd and rightfully so. It wasn't until after the fact that I had found out that he and his mother had slipped a prenuptial agreement on "our" house. I was naive and didn't fully understand what I was agreeing to which he and his mother were aware of. I had looked over to my fiance for guidance and he had stated it was just a normal part of our wills and to sign it. And I did because he would never steer me wrong...

The sickest part was that he had chosen the day before our wedding to sign our wills and I had unknowingly walked down an aisle of entrapment.

Of course I didn't realize that until we had gotten divorced and he had hid the big things we had bought together which included two trucks, the Polaris ranger as well as a trailer. I didn't even receive a single dime.

But, our problems leading up to the divorce didn't end there. After I had our daughter my mother in law tried talking me into getting my tubes tied. She went on and on about how I wouldn't be able to go to Disneyland if I had another child. I had laughed at the fact that she had assumed she could have even a small pinch of an opinion when it came to my husband and I starting a family together.

Five years later my husband and I had found out we were expecting our second child. When we had told his parents about this wonderful news, his mother lost it. She had called me an idiot and then went off about how it was too bad that I was going to have to miss out on Disneyland. I told her Disneyland was overrated. She didn't appreciate that response too much.

A few months later I had a pregnancy checkup that my husband wasn't able to attend to and I, of course, didn't have my license at that time so he had his mother take me. I instantly knew what she was going to bring up...

The entire appointment she went off about how I should get my tubes tied after my scheduled C-section. She refused to take "no" for an answer and she just wouldn't shut up so I faked an agreement with her.

By my next appointment that my husband had attended with me, I had told the same doctor who was going to deliver my son that I did not want my tubes tied. Of course my husband agreed with his mother as he always did and my hormones had gotten the best of me...

I had explained to him that was what he and his mother were wanting. I then reminded him that he had married me and not his mother so her opinion didn't matter. I then explained to him that if he really didn't want anymore children then he could schedule an appointment for himself. He didn't say too much after that.

But, that's why our marriage failed. He couldn't make any decisions without his parents being involved in every single aspect of our personal lives. He didn't just simply tell them about the plans we had. He let them decide if our plans were good enough or not and we had to base our every decision around their opinions.

Once I had caught on to what was going on that was the moment his parents had decided they didn't like me too much. That was the same moment my husband had lost all respect for me.

This is the same man who was mad at me for not being able to move out of his house as soon as he had wanted me to even though he and his mother both had made sure that I would struggle. Which he had blamed me for but, I had told him to thank his mother for that after all, it was her decision.

Then suddenly one day he had ended up changing the locks on the doors without giving me any time to figure out where I was going to stay which I then ended up sleeping in my car just like I had told him would happen.

I remember one specific night vividly. I had turned off my car to save gas for work the next morning but after twenty minutes I could see my breath so I had turned the key and had heard that dreadful clicking sound that nobody ever wants to hear. My car had died. So, I had called my parents first but there was no answer so I then dreadfully called my ex husband asking him if he would come jump start my car. He refused.

I had cried and begged him to help me but he had sounded very annoyed and had told me to call the police for assistance. Thankfully I had found help but unfortunately I had to leave my car running for five hours straight until I had made it to work later that morning.

But, this is why I'm here. This is why I am staring up at the moon, day dreaming and searching for whatever hope I have left. I need to sleep but I'm too scared to because the one night that I had actually tried to I had been woken up by the sound of a man screaming for help.

I remember looking out my car window to see what was going on and I remember the fearful feeling of utter shock from what I had seen.

There was a man laying in the middle of the parking lot screaming. My first instinct was to help him until he had stood up...

He had nothing but a tan jacket on. I saw him, he saw me and he ran up to my car and tried opening my door. I quickly locked the door and backed up as fast as I could and sped to the other side of the parking lot. I had called my boyfriend, crying but he had been mad at me that entire day so it only irritated him that much more.

Thankfully the moment I had thought about taking off a police officer had pulled right up next to my car. I was extremely grateful that help had arrived because I had felt guilty.

I wanted to help that man but I was terrified because I didn't know what his intentions were. As the cop approached my car I had rolled my window down and he had asked me if this guy had been with me. Of course I told him hell no and I explained what had just happened.

The police officer had went over to speak with this naked man and shortly after he had came back to speak with me. He had explained that he had just dealt with this guy earlier across town and that he wasn't sure how he had walked all the way over to Wal-Mart barefoot let alone naked.

I had asked if the man was okay because I was really concerned and had wanted to help him but that I wasn't entirely sure if that would have been the wisest choice. The police officer reassured me that I had done the right thing because the man had been high on drugs and that I could have had a different ending to my night...

And that is why I'm awake. I was suppose to sleep over at my boyfriend's house but, as usual I had done something to set him off.

I know what you might be thinking. "You just got divorced a month ago and you're already seeing someone else?"

Yes. Yes I am. But, in my defense he was the only friend at the time who had stood by my side when everyone else had stood up and walked away because they had thought exactly what you're probably thinking right now. That I had cheated on my ex husband, Jeff.

I know it looks awfully wrong but that is not at all the case. In fact, I'm pretty sure Jeff had left me for another woman. Yes, we had our problems due to his parents however, he had randomly stated that he had wanted a divorce just days after we had both found out his mother's young friend, whom he was no stranger to, had gotten one...

So, I kindly ask you to lay your judgment aside because I am not at all who you might be assuming I am. In fact, I had cried and begged Jeff to reconsider the divorce but I had ended up giving him what he wanted.

Unsurprisingly, Jeff has painted this disgusting image of me which has costed me a few friends due to his ignorance but, that's okay because I still have this one good friend of mine, Audrey. Unfortunately she lives pretty far away so I don't get to see her as often. But, it's even more unfortunate that Jeff happens to be good friends with her husband whom isn't too fond of me but thankfully she has been able to see past all of this none sense...

Rain began to fall just as my gas meter began to drop. I had an hour left until my seven o'clock shift. I let out a deep sigh as I rubbed my heavy eyes, fighting myself to stay awake. I looked myself over in the rearview mirror ashamed of what I was seeing. What use to be hazel green eyes were now red and swollen, chapped lips and thinned out brown hair that was in desperate need of a good wash.

It was no mystery that I was struggling. Just my appearance alone gave that secret away. I did my best to fluff out my hair to give it some kind of volume but it was hopeless. I was hopeless. You could tell that I had spent yet another night crying. I was lonely. I didn't understand why my boyfriend, Derrick was so angry with me but it seemed that he always was.

One minute he's this really kind man trying to help a friend get back up on her feet and then the next he becomes this edgy boyfriend. He has told me time and time again that it's my fault and I've learned that he's probably right given the fact that I couldn't keep my ex husband happy so what made me think I could make someone else feel any differently?

I saw that he was online and despite him being upset with me I still sent him a good morning text on Facebook in hopes that he had enough time to rethink our argument over.

He had read my text but he did not reply so I had sent him another asking if he was done being mad at me. He replied shortly after asking me if I was done being needy...

His words stung but I had replied "yes"and apologized to him anyways. He replied back asking if I had any any money on me so that he could buy a pack of cigarettes. I only had what my mom had given me which was a twenty dollar bill that I had been saving for gas. I told him how much I had but that I would need the rest for gas.

Derrick had met me at Walmart before our seven o'clock shift. I handed him the twenty dollar bill. He rushed to the gas station and then back and I frowned when he had handed me back ten dollars.

"How much did your cigarettes cost?" I asked trying not to sound too upset. "Five bucks but I needed a drink and was hungry so I got a candy bar too." He smiled bashfully.

I couldn't be mad at him for being hungry. I was to and I didn't want him to feel what I had been feeling. "Oh, okay. No worries. I was just curious." I smiled even though I was pretty upset because I needed more than ten dollars in gas. We kissed and said our goodbyes as we both headed off to work.

Derrick and I both worked at the same company. We worked in healthcare with mentally troubled individuals. Depending on who you had as a client it would either be a regular tiring day or it would be hell. Thankfully I had an easy client but he was very hyperactive and being sleep deprived while working with a hyperactive client made for a miserable night. But, if I played my cards right I would have a warm bed to sleep in tonight.

Once I had arrived to work I walked into the small apartment and made my way to the small, round dining room table and had sat down. The night staff had stood up from the couch and grabbed her bag, pausing for a second with an uneasy expression on her face but shortly she continued making her way towards the door.

Once she had left I noticed that my client was still asleep which meant I could rest. I propped my bag on to the table to use it as a pillow and closed my eyes. I began to fall asleep until I heard the sound or purring...

My eyes flew open and I jumped out of my seat. My client's cat was sitting up on the table staring at me with his big blue eyes. It wasn't that I didn't like cats because I did. The only problem was that I was deathly allergic to them...

"I swear you can sense my fear and you know you could kill me if you really wanted to." I glared at the cat as I shewed him off of the table. He jumped down to the floor and began to rub up against my leg. "I know you know!" I shrieked. I could feel my sinuses plugging up as an itch began to creep up my throat. I grabbed my bag and took out the bottle of benadryl my mom had given to me for this very reason.

"He loves you! Love him back!" I looked over to see Drew standing in the door way of his bedroom smiling mischievously. He knew too. "That's your job. My job is to make sure you make wiser choices." I tossed a sarcastic smirk at him.

"Why can't you just be nice to Tiny?" Drew asked, picking up the deadly fur ball."You know why and the fact that you even named him Tiny is ironic." I glanced at Drew in disbelief. "Did you just call my cat fat!?" He asked astonished. "Look at him. Does he look tiny to you?" I crossed my arms and pursed my lips. Drew quietly examined his cat, his eyes widening. "Damn, Tiny, you have gotten fat." He laughed.

I sat back down in the chair and buried my face into my bag. "Don't you fall asleep sis! We got stuff to do." Drew explained as he started shaking me awake. I kept my head down. "Like what?" I asked dreadfully, my voice muffled.

"I don't know. I'm bored so get your midget ass up and let's go!" He started tugging at my hoodie. I groaned and looked up at him. " We discussed this already. I argued with that nurse and she gave me that extra inch. I am four foot ten." I said, laying my head back down.

He scoffed sarcastically. "Hell nah, she just didn't wanna argue with a toddler!" Drew giggled with amusement. I held my laughter back and paused for a moment then tilted my head back up to look up at him. "We're getting you a swear jar." I stated as a sly smile spread across my face.

He frowned at the idea. "Hell no! I'll be broke." I grinned at his response, letting my head drop back down onto my bag. "Come on sis wake up! Let's go!" Drew whined. I sighed deeply, lifting my head up slowly. "It's seven thirty in the morning and nothing is open but, you're right we got stuff to do so let's go." I replied sarcastically.

I had looked my car over and sighed. I was tired of sitting in that ugly thing. It was a tan colored 1998 Toyota Corolla that had a missing hub cap due to hitting a curb last week...

"Damn sis, look at this car! It looks like you've been liven in it. And what the hell is this!?" Drew shouted, reaching in the back seat and holding up a bra. My eyes widened. "Whoa! Put that back!" I shouted back at him.

He side eyed me and smiled slyly, moving the bra up to his chest. "Absolutely stunning! Do they make them in my size?" He teased. I yanked the bra out of his hands and threw it back in the bag of clothes it had fallen out of. "Could you not be yourself for five minutes?" I asked, feeling my face turn red. "Oh, you blushin sis!" Drew snickered as he took a sip of his soda.

"Yeah, well at least I can blush." I raised my eyebrows at him. Drew's eyes widened as he gagged on his drink. "Was that a black joke!? That was a black joke!" He laughed. "I consider it as dark humor." I smirked sarcastically at him. He continued laughing in amusement. I had paused and looked at my key. I had remembered that I only had ten dollars left for gas but that was assuming my car would even start.

I nervously inserted the key into the ignition and drew in a deep breath. I turned the key... Nothing but a clicking noise sounded off. "Damn it!" I shouted in frustration. I tried again, and then again with the same result. Drew then grabbed the key from me. "Move it sis. The car clearly doesn't like yo ass cause you ain't got no respect for her. I got the magic touch. Now watch and learn!"

I stepped out of the car and watched him with amusement. He sat down in the driver's seat and inserted the key into the ignition. He paused to look at me and grinned with confidence as he turned the key. Click, click, click. His confident expression had turned into astonishment.

"How's that working out for ya?" I crossed my arms and snickered at his expense. He scoffed. "Does everything you touch die?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. "I don't know, does it?" I asked trying to poke him. "Hell nah! Don't touch me devil woman!" Drew jumped out of the car and ran towards the apartment laughing.

I had shut the door and pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Derrick's number. After a couple of rings he had answered. "What's up?" Derrick answered. "Hey, my car died once again. Do you think you could come jump start it after we get off of work tonight?" I asked hopeful with a hint of nervousness in my voice.

"Damn that sucks. I'll just pick you up after work and we can hangout at my house tonight." Derrick had stated. "Actually I was going to go see my kids after work since I haven't been able to see them for the last couple of days due to this problem and I had figured once you started it back up again I would just leave it running until I got back and then we could hang out after." I heard him sigh and I knew what was coming next...

"Why do you always have to make shit difficult?" Derrick asked Sounding annoyed. His words tugged at my heart. "I'm sorry. I'm really not meaning to. I just really miss my kids and I need to see them and I feel so guilty for not seeing them because of this stupid car. I'm really sorry." I tried to explain myself the best I could but he continued.

"No, this is fuckin' stupid! It is the same damn thing every single day. You just need to buy a new car." I felt tears welting up in my eyes but tried holding them back.

"I know I do. But, I also have to save up for an apartment because living in my car is the reason why it's having problems in the first place. I know it's frustrating. Trust me I know and I'm really sorry that I keep asking but I don't know who else to ask." My voice began to break.

"See? This is the shit right here that I'm talkin' about. It's like you purposly try to make me feel bad." Derrick scoffed. "I'm not trying to make you fe..." Derrick had cut me off before I could finish. "Yeah, you do. But I don't feel bad cause you're too fuckin' stupid to listen to my advice." He shouted once again. "I can't just walk out and go buy a new car. I haven't even gotten my first pay check and that isn't even going to be enough for me to buy anything I need." I explained in frustration.

"Lose the damn attitude." Derrick had demanded. "I'm not trying to be mean and I'm sorry. I just needed help. I'll ask someone else. Have a good day." I explained but before I could hang up he spoke again. "You're fuckin' dumb dude." He laughed in disbelief. "I know." I hung up before I began to cry. I opened my car door and had sat down, shutting the door beside me. I sat back in the seat and drew in a deep breath trying to compose myself.

I rested my head in my hands and I could feel tears dropping onto my lap. I knew deep down that Derrick wasn't a very generous man but he was all I had because everybody else was too busy judging me for the divorce. What would they say if I explained my living situation to them? What would they say if they had found out I was dating another guy? Then they would surely believe Jeff.

The thought had made me burst into more tears. I was stuck with the image Jeff had made me out to be. There was nothing I could say nor do. He was well liked all around and when somebody who is well liked makes you look like the enemy people hang onto their every word.

As I continued to cry I heard a tapping on my window. I quickly wiped my tears and looked to the side. Drew was standing there making a sad pouty face at me. I rolled my window down. "What's up?" I asked, choking back tears.

"Derrick again?" Drew asked already knowing the answer. "Yep, the usual." I replied sarcastically. "He's a D-bag I don't get why you're wasting your time on that moron." Drew stated, crossing his arms. "Yeah, I don't know why either." I tried to laugh.

"Nah, I'm serious Sarah. One of these days he's gonna get his ass whooped and I'm gonna freakin' laugh cause he's a pansy lookin' mother f..." I interrupted him before he could finish. "Swear jar." I raised my eyebrows at him. "Ah, fine. Come on, let's go play some video games. You can shoot people and take it out on them." Drew opened my car door for me and we made our way into the apartment.

Around six o'clock my concern grew. I didn't know where I was going to sleep let alone who to call for help. I couldn't sleep here at work because the night shift was already being covered. I could feel myself begin to panic. I would either have to call my mom and tell her what was really going on or I would have to suck up to Derrick even though he had really hurt me. Neither choice would be an easy one to make.

As I pondered my two options my phone had sounded off. I looked to see who had texted me and to my surprise it was Derrick. He had sent me a text apologizing for treating me so badly. A tear rolled down my cheek as hope filled my eyes.

I instantly texted him back and had told him that it was okay and that I understood how stressful it must be for him because of how needy I had been.

He ended up showing up to jump start my car. I then text Jeff asking if I could head over to see our children in which he had replied with a yes.

What could have been a horrible night of me possibly freezing to death turned into a Blessing. Especially since I got to end my night hugging my children...