Kaia's Letters to Jaunie
The letters lay on the bed, a dog sniffing the flower-filled bag at the edge of the bed, and Jaunie looks at them with an ache clouding her irises. She doesn’t dare touch the letters, afraid they might open up a dam of locked-up memories and a river of feelings flooding through her.
W-Woof!
The 10-year-old Husky woofs, lifting a paw and placing it on her lap. He looks at her and then points his nose at the letters, as if telling her to just open them, goddammit!
“What if I regret opening them, Snow?”
Woof Wo–Woof!
She sighs, nodding to herself and Snow, “Yeah, I know, what could go wrong other than a crying night?”
And so, she wills herself to sit comfortably on her bed that is filled with several letters, pieces of dried flowers and the tote bag filled with the dried flowers. They still smell amazing, it surprises her. She picks up one letter from the mess, opens it and as her eyes read, the familiar voice whispers the words of the letter into her ear.
2014 / 04 / 18
Dear, Jaunie,
My love, my bubble of smiles,
I am writing this letter because I find it difficult to express certain feelings that I feel when I am around you and when I am not.
Being around you feels like being bubble wrapped in your smiles and sweet touches. Being around you, it feels like the rest of the world is a blur when you talk about something you learned in the Encyclopaedia Of Flowers. It feels like I could lay my head on your lap and gaze at your droopy, sleepy eyes as you fall asleep above me. There is no such emotion that could put it together just how much I feel when I am with you.
Not being around you is sad, but it is not that bad because it gives me the hope of having to go back home to you sleeping on the couch with the Tom & Jerry show running on the TV. Not being around you keeps thoughts of you swirling around in my head. It feels like the heart has a home, the birds returning to their nest as the sun sets, and the moon rising while the sun is still above the horizon. Not being around you, doesn’t make me sad because I know that we find our way to each other. Because the lost traveller always finds their destination even with no path. Because with maps or not, the heart guides one to one’s home.
And I feel all of that and more with you.
— K.
Jaunie tosses it aside, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with just one letter. And it brings back memories of poetries they recited at 1 AM, of the moments in the library where she would whisper to her something interesting she saw in the new Encyclopedia she had started to read, of the vanilla ice-cream tubs in their freezer that would be empty the next day, of the days spent in the dog cafés far from their home, of the day when they first saw Snow.
She picks up another letter, teary eyes blinking hastily.
2014 / 10 / 30
To the dearest one,
who holds the sparkles in their hands
I am so glad Snow stays with you, hope he always is there for you when I won’t be. I have never been so happier (other than when I fell in love with you, of course) than the time when we had decided to adopt baby Snow. A little Husky with a broken foreleg, but a Husky who was the best baby. And I really fell in love with you again when I saw you hold the little ball of sparkles in your arms as he booped his nose with yours. You both had the sweetest smile on your face and the adoration I felt that day must be unimaginable, wasn’t to be bound, wasn’t to be measured.
— K.
“Snow, baby, look,” She shows the letter to Snow who had climbed on the bed and resting his head on her lap, carefully laid across the bed to not crush the letters or flowers. He huffs, and she scratches behind his ear, a small smile on her lips and her eyes downcast, fogged with the memory of baby Snow sleeping in her lap with another hand weaving through his fur. “This letter writes about you,” she takes a deep breath, leaning down to press a feather-light kiss on his head, and he makes a soft noise of acknowledgement. “Let’s read another one, yeah?”
And so Jaunie picks up yet another letter. This one is stuffed with flowers that dried long ago but left their fragrance on the paper. She opens it, a polaroid falling from inside it and onto Snow’s face who puffs out a breath and woofs. She laughs, picking it up and looking at the memory the polaroid holds, of two girls Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse headbands with wide smiles on their faces and one hand holding a tub of vanilla ice-cream.
It was when we went to an adventure park with our friends and got lost.
2016 / 11 / 10
Dear, My Mickey Mouse,
I wonder how your Clubhouse decorates itself for me
Remember when we went to that adventure park with our friends and got lost? The day when we had spontaneously planned a date when we got lost and rode so many rides and laughed so much that our mouths hurt, and how we won so many plushies that day and had decided to gift them to our friends? Yeah, it was the best day of my life. You were enjoying the Ferris wheel and we had our own little couple plushie for us to cherish, and our own little moment hidden by the trees in the garden there, it was just us and smiles and holding hands in the cold. That little kid who came up to us in the garden and called us Mickey and Minnie Mouse because of our hats and how our clothes were similar to them, was a moment I’d look back on and have a cheeky smile on my lips at the memory. That day at the adventure park had been fun, and I loved every bit of it, was what I wanted to say. Every Single Bit Of It. And I will be keeping the Mickey Mouse stuffed doll with me for as long, it reminds me of your little bouncy self. So cute ♡
— K.
Jaunie looks around her bedroom, eyes easily landing on the Minnie Mouse stuffed doll sitting prettily on her desk surrounded by some books and her iPad. She remembers that day, that moment very clearly as if it were yesterday.
“Sister?” The little boy looks at the two girls sitting all huddled as they talk and laugh away. One of them, with a Mickey Mouse headband, turns to face him.
“Yes?” she asks, reaching a hand out to hold his busy fingers, “do you need anything, little elf?”
He shakes his head, looking up at the other girl who is also looking at him with confusion. “I just wanted to say something…”
“And? What did you want to tell us?” The girl with the Minnie Mouse headband piqued him.
“You both look like Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse, and it’s really cute because you both also are wearing the same clothes as them!” And suddenly, his face is burning red and he is looking down, avoiding their stares.
A beat of silence passes by before one of the girls gushes out a small “Oh my, that is the best thing I’ve ever heard, Jaunie, move aside! Let me give him a smooch, his cute bread cheeks deserve them for saying so sweet to us!” And then a pair of lips land a soft kiss on his burning cheeks followed by two small “thank you”s before the boy is scurrying back to his toys.
She agrees, the little boy said the sweetest thing to them and it has stuck to them ever since. She places the letter back and picks up another, making sure to arrange the other letters neatly next to her so her bed isn’t so messy before she reads.
2020 / 02 / 18
Dear, person of love personified
The one whose heart is big enough to love and forgive
The one whom I will always adore, even if I may be not beside you
I know we had decided months ago that I should stop sending you letters, after all, it makes us long for each other so much that it pains us to remind ourselves that it is no way near possible for us to be together even though I would burn the hell and the heaven if it guaranteed that we can be together. But this is the last letter I will send you, and maybe I am being too selfish, but I want to tell you to always remember our memories, never forget me, or us, or our love, and I hope that one day we can make it to each other. Doesn’t matter if we are old ladies, having walking sticks or wheelchairs, I just want to hold your hand and press loving kisses on your face until your sparkling laughter is all my ears can hear.
I will love you for as long,
— K.
“With these letters and memories, love, you aren’t easy to forget,” Jaunie kisses the letter in her hands, then looks at all the other letters piling beside her with the bag of dried flowers and pictures that the letters came with. She wonders how Kaia is doing, wonders every day if she smiles at the Mickey doll like how she does with her Minnie doll, wonders if she reads the poetry Jaunie wrote for her before they separated, wonders every day whether she remembers their memories, if she still thinks of Jaunie and Snow.
