where I breathe free

To my friends Russell, Nei, Ledulo and Faith who i missed so dearly that i had to distract myself with 100 pages of my feelings. To me for not giving up even when I felt like it was shit. To spotify for the folk playlists that helped me write and gave my story a soundtrack. And lastly to the men, women and places where I breathe free.

(The people, places, and events mentioned in this story are purely fictional and any similarities are coincidental.)

It is the year 2056, healthcare and medicine are taking a different turn as has always been over the years. New research is in the works as doctors and scientists are trying to find better ways of treating patients. Scientists have always said that Surgery itself is an era and will one day pass this had been evident in advancements like chemical surgery which requires little to no invasive procedures for the patient.

Physicians at Royal Medical centre had always prided themselves in putting their patients first. In everything they did, they made sure that they had their patients’ best interests at heart. Being directed by a medical professional as opposed to just a regular manager, Royal was doing exceptionally well at staying true to their mission.

Among the many dedicated and enthusiastic employees of Royal Medical Centre was Dr. Hall. If you would ask her, she would tell you that she is living her dream. As a kid it was all she dreamt of doing. She found a significant thrill in interacting with patients, getting to know them and listening to their stories and eventually making sure they left the hospital feeling better. It goes without saying that medical professionals are fallible so on days when she lost a patient or couldn’t make a breakthrough with another she was devastated.

Surgery was clearly her forte. Anna possessed skills in different areas because of shadowing her father in his practice during her younger years but she was undefeated in cardiovascular. Dr. Hall was short about five foot three had a tiny body and always kept her hair short. Her smile was faint but never failed to put her patients at ease. She had small eyes and they almost disappeared when she smiled as was her regular practice. Most people described her as being highly unostentatious, choosing to have a simple style of mostly tracksuits and trainers despite being chief of cardiovascular surgery at Royal and securing quite the bag.

Who is she?

“56-year-old female, attempted suicide, no pulse,” the young girl said as he continued chest compressions. On top of the elderly lady while the gurney was being strolled in.

“and why do we think this was a suicide,” a physician said as he came in to asses the lady. His whole appearance screamed ‘I am in charge’. He had a white shirt on and a black tie, looked like he was in his late fifties going to 60. The man wore black pants and black shoes that were so shiny his reflection was almost visible on it.

“there was… a bottle of pills next to her upon arrival at the scene,” the lady said breathlessly as she continued chest compressions.

“how long have you been doing chest compressions,”

“about 10 minutes now,”

“okay let me take over, nurse smith can you get me an air way,” he called out to of the nurses whom she was pretty sure she had seen somewhere, and got ready to take over compressions.

“yes doctor,” the nurse whispered as she got ready to intubate.

“you don’t look like a paramedic?” the doctor began compressions.

“I am not,” the lady replied without a twitch of emotion in her voice and stayed glued on the face of the elderly lady on the hospital bed.

“are you family then,”

“not really,”

“alright then I am sorry I am going to have to ask you step outside,

The young lady left without a struggle

Seconds felt like hours for Anna as she was waiting in the reception. Her impatience growing thicker each second, she began to tap her foot on the ground. Biting her nails.

“hi, Are you waiting for someone?” the guy next to him asked. She had been completely oblivious to the fact that there was somebody next to him. Let alone someone that looked as handsome as he did.

Anna took a moment to collect her mind and thoughts before attempting to speak. The man looked like he was in his early thirties. He had a big, strong build. It was almost obvious that he worked out. He sat back in his chair like a teenager with a really bad posture. He wore a black baggy tracksuit and white sneakers. A really cool haircut and a well shaved beard. Anna always noticed eyebrows, and his caught her immediate attention.

“uhm yeah, you?” anna said hastily trying her best not to sound nervous.

“just here for a checkup," he replied with an archaic smile.

“alright cool,”

The doctor from earlier came back into the waiting area. His tie was still in place and his shoes were still shiny.

“are you the young lady who came in the ER later with the attempted suicide patient,” he said

What the literal heck she thought to herself.

The doctor went on without waiting for a reply from her

“well she is going to be just fine, she might be ready to go in the morning.” He said and then turned around to leave. Doctors always seemed busy, even if they weren’t it was quite hard to tell.

“Margret,” Anna called out to him after he had taken a few steps

“Excuse me,” the doctor turned back confused.

“her name is Margret,” anna continued.

The doctor walked away without the slightest care.

“doctors right” the man who sat across anna said with his face in his phone. He looked like he was reading something because he was not texting.

“Yeah,” anna said as she walked out of the waiting room.

I think I just saw the most beautiful girl in the world. The man thought to himself

*just for context it usually considered unethical for healthcare professionals to address patients with their diseases.

A break, an exile, a letting go.

“I can’t accept your resignation letter Anna. I just can’t.” Dr. Yuvahai told Anna. As chief of Cardiothoracic this was a matter that concerned him directly. He had watched Anna come in as an intern with a lot of tenacity and slight self-doubt like every other resident. But also watched Anna grow into a bold, relentless physician who always fought for her patients even if at most times meant butting heads with authority. Anna was basically unafraid and it sometimes scared Dr. Yuvahai. He had never seen anything like her.

“I just don’t think I can do this anymore, for the first time in my life I feel like… its… killing me,” She said trying to hold back tears.

There was moment of silence when Anna was praying silently that the chief would simply agree to his request and let her go and Dr. Yuvahai on the other hand was having a battle in his mind, deciding what to do. Anna was an important asset to his Opel University Hospital.

Letting her go would be the most preposterous decision I make in my long career. I simply can’t do this, but I might have an idea. he thought to himself

Dr. Yuvahai finally settled down. He took a deep breath in and out and sat down. They had been going at it with Anna for about 10 mins now and they were both exhausted. Both of them were uncompromising and unwilling to accept defeat in an argument, a simple discussion or in this case a simple request according to Anna.

“okay…” he began and then took a deep breath in and out again. “I am not going to accept your resignation letter, Anna…”

“Dr. Yuvahai…” interrupted him with tears in her eyes.

“but I am going to allow you a 3-month break. I am sending you to Love House in Bradfort, a small town far from here. You will attend mandatory therapy three times a week and work in my friends’ small practice on weekdays as an assistant. After 3 months I will check in on you and you will tell me if you really do want to leave medicine forever.

Despite being the best resident in her year, anna never felt like it. She didn’t really believe it, which is why Dr. Yuvahai had been an important part of her life. Not a lot of people knew but he was the only family he had left and the only one he was not willing to lose. Anna felt like he was just being polite but she took the offer either way.

Bradfort

Bradfort was a small town. It looked like the place where everyone knew everyone’s business maybe because everyone was related. However, Anna was loving how slow paced it seemed. Nobody was in a rush. The young and elderly all alike were walking slowly, relaxed and seemed to be just in the moment. A good example is how upon arrival she saw a group of teenagers just laying together in the sun in the local park. Not on their phones. Just engaging in minimal conversation and being still. She was appalled at the idea of not being busy but also felt huge amounts of envy for them.

Anna had always kept herself occupied as a child. She was never bored. This sometimes backfired as an adult when she found it hard to sit still even on her off days. Maybe this was the place that would teach her the beauty of doing nothing.

As she pulled into love house, she couldn’t help but notice how ancient all the buildings looked. However, it was aesthetic and she liked it. Anna parked her car and took a deep breath in and a big one out.

I am sending you to love house. There you will meet some good friends of mine. They will be responsible for taking care of you until your 3 months are over, and because they are taking such great care of you, you will do anything and everything that they ask of you. If you successfully manage to complete these 3 months and still want to quit, I will not stop you.

Geez Dr. Yuvahai, why can’t you just let me go, she sighed to herself as she turned off her car ignition.

When she stepped out of her dodge charger, she looked up at the buildings with a deep uncertainty. She did not know what to expect but there was something that felt familiar about Bradfort in that moment. The air smelled familiar. It was an unusual feeling like winter was making way for summer. The air had a hotness and coldness to it. Anna got chills.

“Hello...” anna called out. “Is there anyone here,” she tried again

Love house looked like an old hotel, the furniture had a 90’s style to it. Impressively the place was neat and tidy. Not a single speck of dust. And yet so desolate.

Surely there has to be someone here Anna thought to herself

She looked around and finally decided to take a seat in a sofa in the corner. There was a book shelf that went all the way to the ceiling of the room an old carpet that was well swept, a coffee table decorated with expensive china.

What is this place? anna thought to herself as he looked around

“you must be Anna Hall.” A frail lady said she seemed to be in her late fifties. She was incredibly short, had a short bob and wore black dress with long sleeves.

“I am” Anna replied not sure if she should ask for her name as well.

“welcome to love house Anna, Dr. Yuvahai told me that you will be staying here for some time.

Anna nodded not sure what she should say. She had been recently finding it hard to keep her concentration during conversations or generally when people were talking to her. She had assumed it was because she was always tired especially as a resident working long hours and functioning on little to no sleep.

“shall we go get your luggage,” the lady asked

Anna nodded

“so how do you know Dr. Yuvahai?” anna finally found the courage to ask.

“he is an old friend” the lady replied with a smile. Her smile was quick but infectious. It literally lasted a second. It seemed genuine but ridiculously haste.

“who did he say I am” anna asked again curiously

“he said you are a friend who needed to get away for while”

“that’s it?” anna seemed puzzled

“yes, is there more that I should know Anna?”

“no, nothing at all," Anna let out quickly.

“Great, now let me show you to your room.”

Love house

It didn’t take Anna a long time to put the pieces together that love house was actually owned by Dr. Yuvahai. It seemed to have served a great purpose back in its day but she just was not sure what.

The room she was allocated was simple but large. The was a queen-sized bed covered in white sheets. In the corner of the room was chair that fitted the love house ancient style and a mini table. The room was generally minimalistic. With a carpet at the foot of the bed. A large mirror that hang on a wall. Some art work which Anna tried to decipher and quickly gave up. The was also a huge closet. A walk-in closet.

As She unpacked her suitcase Anna thought to her self. 3 months, just 3 more months and then I can go hide.

“are you hungry darling?” the old lady came in interrupting her thoughts

“I am fine,”

“Dr Yuvahai warned me that you would say that and he instructed me to force you to eat either way.”

The truth is sometimes Anna just wasn’t hungry. Sometimes she was and too tired to eat. Sometimes she couldn’t stop eating and most times she had trouble looking at her food while eating it. Anna would distract herself with her phone, television or literally anything to avoid looking at her food. This way she avoided really uncomfortable feelings.

Anna did not regret going down to eat, this woman's food was actually delicious. It had a homely flavor to it that felt strangely familiar. It was like food she was tasting for the first time but food she had tasted before.

“may I ask you a question?” Anna began as they were both eating. Anna had no problem talking while eating. She was one of those people that were quite oblivious to rules, etiquette and social norms.

“go ahead,” the lady replied as she put her fork down and raised her eyes to Anna

“what should I call you?

There were a few seconds of silence

“Margret is fine” she said as she looked at Anna directly in the eyes. There was something about her eyes. They had a dimmed glow to them. Again, a familiarity she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

“alright,”

That day Margret gave her a tour of Love house and then she disappeared to do other domestic work.

Love house had almost twenty rooms all ensuited like Anna's. The house was old and had a homey feel to them. The walls were all the same color, a light pink that almost looked like white, abstract paintings and art on the walls. The design was extremely simple and it seemed as if Margret and her team were doing an incredible job keeping the place spotless.

In the late evening, Anna sat in her room pulled out her laptop and began tried to write. As a child, it was the one thing that brought her great joy. Anna was not necessarily exceptional at it but there was something about it that gave her freedom like no other. Being a woman of little words, writing made her words flow like a river. It was also therapeutic for her. As a resident most of her days came with immense amounts of emotional distress, bouts of anxiety and uncertainty. Sometimes she felt huge amounts of guilt after not being able to answer a question correctly on the spot, performing terribly on an assessment or the biggest that she couldn’t get herself to face the….

Either way when she wrote she understood the world and maybe even herself.

Despite her passion for writing, lately she had been unable to put down a single word. She would open her laptop, stare at a blank page for exactly 10 minutes and then close it and go straight to bed. This became a sort of evening ritual.

Maybe being here will clear my head she thought to herself Anna closed her laptop screen and went to bed.

Mandatory activities

The following morning, Anna and Margret had a big, scrumptious breakfast. There were eggs, bacon, bread, pancakes and so much fruit. But there was no coffee. Dr Yuvahai had been disapproving of Annas caffeine intake while she was still as the hospital and she was beginning to wonder if this had something to do with him.

Damn it she whispered to herself

“Good morning Anna, hope you had a good night’s sleep, come on now help yourself to anything that you would like.” Margret announced as she continued to put more food on the table. Today she was still wearing a long dress with long sleeves but a different color. This one was a deep red and it made her complexion show a lot more than the black one.

“good morning, Margret, I slept fine thank you.”

Anna was lying. Ever since the incident at the hospital she had been having nightmares. She barely slept through the night

“great,” she said with an exhale as she sat down. “so, Anna, tell me about yourself, if we are going to be together, we might as well know each other right.”

Dang Anna thought to herself. She didn’t really take delight in talking about herself although to some extent every single person likes to talk about themselves. Looking at it now, anna didn’t think she had much to say.

“there is not really much to me Margret,” Anna buried her face in the plate as much as possible.

Being a resident meant that she had to master the art of small talk. As a doctor you kind of have to be open to it. It helps to build rapport with your patient. It can help you learn somethings about your patient which might come in handy in their course of treatment.

“Come on, give me something” Margret begged

“alright,” anna finally gave in

“Anna Hall, final year resident on break. Ummm…” she paused

Her whole life, Anna had always struggled with separating her identity from medicine. For some time in medical school she seemed to be winning. She would opt out of using the ‘I am a medical student’ line, despite knowing that it would be the easiest way to boost her ego in public as some people cared about it though it was not a big deal. However, when residency came, it completely overtook her. Taking up most of her life. She had no social life. Not that she had one before but she barely even called her parents.

“yeah that’s it,” she finally said hitting the table lightly as her hand rested on the table.

“do you have any interests, a boyfriend maybe…”

The words boyfriend sent a shocking wave down her spine.

“not really, I write sometimes, but lately… “she swallowed her words “and no I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Well I don’t doubt an intelligent, brave, and obviously beautiful young lady like you will have a hard time finding a man soon”

Anna said nothing.

They continued the rest of their dinner in silence until Anna finally broke it.

“what about you Margret? Tell me about yourself,”

Margret seemed taken aback by the question. Was this not what small talk was about. Asking each other questions back forth. Her eyes lit up. As if she had never had anyone be this intrigued about her but she was intriguing. Anna detested treating people like puzzles but Margret seemed like one. Like a paradox. A good example being how she seemed both happy and sad.

“well, I grew up in, in Bradfort. Lived here my whole life. I did not go to college but I had a love for fashion design so I did that instead. When I was forty, I met the man of my dreams he was everything that I had ever wanted in a man. We got married shortly after that. Our marriage didn’t last long though. I realized that he was not the person I thought he was and we just had a harrowing falling out. I tried to fight for our marriage but it looked like it was a sinking ship and there was no turning around. The divorce was hard and I think I took it even harder. I closed my shop, stopped designing for some years and travelled the world, which is how I met Dr. Yuvahai. We met in Milan, Italy, we immediately became acquainted and spent a lot of time together. It felt good to talk to someone about the divorce and other things. He told me about love house. A place he had built to shelter anyone that was hurting and wanted healing.

So that’s what love house is about she thought to herself trying hard to remain focus and not seem zoned out.

“It was a shelter for addicts who wanted to recover, women and men who were running from abusive spouses, teenagers from abusive homes. Orphaned children, destitutes. Anyone who needed the help, Dr. Yuvahai kept his doors open. He was working as physician in the city but still wanted to keep the place running as smooth as possible and that’s where I came in. When my trip in Milan was done, I came straight to Love House and began working here. For me, helping out here played a huge part in my healing and every day is a step towards my healing. So that is me.”

Moments like these were not foreign to Anna. People tended to tell her more than she felt she had to know. She could be going home in the bus and the man next to him would tell her all his relationships including stories about his exes.

She remembers specifically a younger man who looked like he was in his late twenties who when entering the bus had signaled to Anna to come sit with him. She didn’t think it would cause anyone harm and as there was a female siting on the far right and she would simply scream if this man tried to harass her. To her surprise the man offered her a drink, with a slight hesitation she accepted it, choosing to ignore the stories of girls that had been poisoned and left for dead. The man proceeded to tell her his family story. It was something about an abusive step dad. The man made it clear that the reason he was on that bus was because he was on his way to kill his step dad who had just hit his mother. Anna was not sure if she should say something to stop him or simply listen but she just listened.

In summary this was not new territory for her.

Everyone seemed to wear their heart on their sleeves, speaking their hearts and minds. Sometimes she found it insane but, on most times, she envied them. She envied how unafraid they were. How they were all able to put all there in the air, without a care.

“alright so there are some things that you need to do when you are a resident of Love House,” Margret began after a long silence.

“like chores,”

“yes, something like that,”

“Okay so first of all, you are required to attend mandatory therapy. The sessions are 3 times a week for an hour commencing at 10 o’clock. You will be required to do the sessions for the 3 months that you will be here but if your therapist clears you can stop.”

Anna felt like she was being hit by a rock. Actually, many rocks. Big rocks that rolled off of a big hill and crushed her

“secondly, you will be required to do three hours of community services. Given your medical expertise you will be working with the local clinic from Monday to Saturday.

“Thirdly, have fun, make memories and be ready to go back anytime.”

The first session.

“I would like you to know that this is a safe space. Everything that is said here will remain strictly confidential.

Her therapist was a beautiful young lady, who looked like she was in her twenties. They looked the same age.

“okay so what am I supposed to say in here.” Anna said nonchalantly.

She would rather be doing anything than be there. Literally anything

“anything that you want to say is fine Anna.”

The therapist had a thick, black afro. Her style was modern and yet formal. Her pencil heels, long red skirt that hugged her body well and the white shirt really complimented her. she crossed her legs and had a note book siting on her lap that she occasionally looked at and then looked up at Anna. The therapist did is so swiftly it was almost impossible to notice but Anna was good at watching people and her observational skills were unmatched.

“okay, so if I talk about the weather, or the news, or what I ate for breakfast, that would be fine,” she said again looking at the therapist straight in the eyes.

“like I said anything is absolutely fine,”

It was in that moment when Anna knew that if she wanted this to be over, she was going to have to talk.

“I don’t want to be here, but I am sure you already guessed that part of the story. Not in Bradfort, not in love house not in this room. I just want to go home…and...”

Anna got flashbacks of herself crying at night with a bottle of wine and a few pills in her and waking up the next morning to residency like nothing ever happened.

“and do what,” the therapist encouraged her.

“and just be, and just do me,” she continued. Anna was beginning to get a little bit on edge.

“do you feel like you can’t be you and do you in Bradfort, Love House or in here,” she asked in a calm voice that was almost soothing to Anna.

“of course, I can’t.” She said as a matter of fact

“alright Anna, tell me, what does being you and doing you look like.”

Once again, she was faced with a battle about her identity

What does being myself even look like she thought to herself.

After her first session, Anna tried to process what being herself would actually look like. She enjoyed a few things outside of medicine like writing despite not being able to write a single word in months.

A knock interrupted her many thoughts.

“hi Anna, how was your session yesterday?” Margret asked politely peeping into her room trying hard not to be invasive.

Anna was sitting crossed legged on her bed, with her laptop on her laps. Her fingers danced around anxiously, her mind completely blank.

“it was alright,” she said with a forced smile.

And Margret was gone.

Anna felt the sudden urge to clear her head. Violently shutting her laptop, she headed outside for a walk. The garden in love house had a natural feel to it that pacified Annas heart. It made her feel calm. Almost like her train of thought was beginning to be organized.

She took a deep breath in. A big one out. The air smelt like the one in the small town she grew up in. she couldn’t find a scientific explanation for it. Just that everything here was feeling awfully familiar.

There were a few trees but the garden was clothed with flowers. Lilac, iris, Dahlia and many more. It was exceptional. Anna found herself lost in the beauty of the garden.

I like it here she thought to herself.

She took small strides across the garden and a butterfly sat on her nose. It was also clothed in many colors.

Maybe just maybe I can stay 3 months here. She thought to herself.

The clinic

As part of the contract with Dr. Yuvahai, Anna had to work at the clinic. The clinic was a 10-minute walk from Love House. On her first day, she struggled to get herself out of bed but eventually she managed to make herself look decent and head out the door.

“You must be Anna,” a man who looked like he was in late sixties said as he held out a hand. He looked elderly but he was not frail. The man was full of energy and had so much charisma.

“I am Dr. Tell,” he continued with a smile. “but everybody calls me Dr. T” he concluded.

The clinic was slightly old fashioned in a good way though. The aesthetics were appealing to Anna. The wooden table in the waiting area, the brown leather sofas which undoubtly cost a fortune. There were paintings of different landmarks most of which were in Africa. Anna recognized the great Table Mountain which was one of the seven wonders of the world. There was also mountain Kilimanjaro, the Nile river and what looked like Victoria Falls.

The receptionist was young and completely beautiful. Her face could be a painting on a wall. She had a simple yet elegant style which made Anna feel at ease. The receptionist wore a white shirt that was neatly tucked in her blue jeans and white sneakers. The lady seemed to be in jovial mood. It also looked like it was her personality.

Anna, for one, had always tried to always be upbeat and happy but being in Bradfort made her feel like she didn’t have to pretend.

“we can talk more in my office.” Dr. T motioned to his office.

“welcome to the Love House Clinic, Anna. Dr. Yuvahai told me you are one his most terrific resident.

“Were,” Anna mumbled under her breathe inaudibly.

The was a pause and both Anna and Dr. T said nothing

“okay so you will start work properly tomorrow at exactly 8 o ’clock till eleven. For today you will shadow me but tomorrow you will have the liberty to see your own patients. That is without my supervision.”

“alright great,” she seemed calm on the exterior but inside, Anna was panicking and thinking of all the things that could go wrong.

I am not qualified to see patients yet she thought to herself. What if I make a mistake again?

“We are a small clinic and don’t get as many patients as the big hospital…”

The words ‘big hospital’ sent chills down her spine. Would she ever be able to set foot in one ever again? She doubted it.

“But there are some faces you will see a lot during your stay here. I don’t want to tell you too much about them as you might be compelled to form an opinion about them.”

“Right,” anna smiled

“I want you to meet them for yourself. Get to know them for yourself.” Dr. T concluded as he gestured with his hands.

Anna realized that Dr. T used a lot of hand gestures which made him appear more confident and surer of himself.

“That is completely understandable Dr. T,” Anna said with her faint smile.

“come on, let me give you a tour of the clinic,”

Dr. T showed Anna around the clinic, showing her all the important places, she might need to know about and all the people she was going to be working with. Everyone seemed to know everyone at love house Clinic and I mean really know.

“this is Stacy, she is currently a high school student but one day she wants to be a medical doctor, specifically a…”

“a neurosurgeon!” the young girl said enthusiastically, as she was packing supplies in the closet.

“right!” Dr T agreed with a smile.

“the supply closet as you may have already guessed is where we store most of our supplies but every room in love house holds a special meaning. There have been many tears and laughter in this room.

“this is the examination room where you will examine your patients. On all days a nurse will be with you during your exam.

Thank God she thought to herself.

“just love house protocol. We believe that nurses are of great value in the medical field. They can help point out significant matters when we miss them or provide solutions when we feel we have reached a dead end. They are the pillars of Love House Clinic and you will get to meet to meet most of them tomorrow. nurse smith, over there, has been working here for 20 years which is how long this place has been up and running for. Nurse Smith is going to take great care of you during your stay here.”

“we all are, Anna” another younger nurse came in and said with a smile.

Dr. T’s tour continued. “over here is the staff lounge. Again, lots of laughter, countless tears of both pain and joy and….” Dr. Took a dramatic pause, “loads of food.”

The staff lounge had medical charts scattered neatly across the wall, a table at the corner with a vase full of flowers. An L shaped sofa and an old television set.

Anna’ s eyes finally settled on the far right of the table. there it was.

“Anna…”

“Anna…”

“Anna…” Dr T’s voice was a little louder to grab her attention

“sorry,” she said finally coming back from wherever her mind went.

“ah the coffee right,” he said as he approached the coffee “Dr. Yuvahai told us to be careful of this one.”

He grabbed the coffee machine. unplugged it. Walked towards the door and gave it to a nurse who was passing by.

“get rid of this for me now will you?” he said with a beaming smile.

“yes doctor,” she replied and off she went.

I am screwed Anna thought to herself.

I don’t have much to say…

I can’t believe I actually have to do this. I am not good at this. I don’t really like talking about my feelings and emotions. It just never comes out right. It doesn’t sound right. Not to mention nine times out of ten I feel misunderstood. Like I am speaking a foreign language from the rest of the world. It pains me that I can’t find it in me to spill my guts. I want to, I really want to talk but I don’t know where to start. Anna thought to herself.

There was eerie silence in the room that day when Anna was in the therapist’s office. The therapist was looking absolutely stunning. Her long black pleated skirt flowed down her legs elegantly. The long-sleeved pink shirt she wore was neatly tucked in her skirt and her heels were alarmingly high but she still managed to cross her legs.

“how are you liking your stay in Bradford Anna?” the therapist began trying to make feel at ease. Anna was not doing much talking and the therapist was desperately trying to make an opening.

“its alright,”

The therapist did not say anything hoping Anna would continue. It was basic psychology. You stare into a person’s eyes if their answer is not to your satisfaction. Anna was aware of this strategy, she used it all the time with her patients during her residency.

“what about your stay at Love House,”

“it also alright,”

For a long time, Anna’s therapy sessions went something like that. One-word answers. Long moments of silence and tension that hovered in the room because she really did not want to be there.

It was going to take more than a textbook strategy to crack Anna. She had walls, and those walls had walls too.

I have no idea what I am doing.

It had been a month since Anna left residency and been at Love House. She was about to begin work at the clinic. Unlike most people, she had this incredible ability to keep a tough exterior whilst feeling turbulent inside. She had nerves of steel. This is one of the traits that helped her excel in her surgery residency.

That morning, she couldn’t feel her legs. feeling like she was floating. Anna was pretty sure she had been to the bathroom more times that morning than ever since she had been in love house.

“Good morning Anna, or should I say Dr. Hall.” Margret said with smile as she set the breakfast table.

The house was looking spotless as usual and the smell of breakfast was honesty irresistible.

“Anna is fine,” she said with a faint smile.

Anna set her jacket on the chair next to hers and sat on the other one. Despite this being her first day at work, she still wore a black jean, a baggy black t shirt and like colored sneakers. Classic.

After she had breakfast, she headed to the clinic. Still unable to feel her legs, fighting the urge to throw up her breakfast and turn around to go back home, Anna continued walking. The ten minutes to the clinic felt like the longest ten minutes ever.

“Good Morning Dr. Hall.” One of the nurses greeted her as she was pushing an elderly man in a wheel chair.

I really don’t deserve that tittle and I wish everyone would stop calling me that. She said to herself.

“hi,” Anna replied in a low voice.

she headed straight for Dr. T’s office to get further instructions.

“AH, Annnna” he said with a thick accent as Anna opened the door. She had no idea which accent he was trying to impersonate and she was unbothered.

She smiled faintly.

“your white coat,” he continued gesturing to a chair on the other side of the table he was sitting at.

“thank you,” she said again with smile.

“alright let me accompany you to the exam room where you will meet your first patient.”

Amy Wells was Anna’s first patient that day. She had long black hair, big brown eyes and a toned body. She looked like an athlete. Her chart said that she was 18 years old and she came in by herself.

“hi…Amy,” Anna said as he double checked her chart to get her name correctly. There had been moments in the early stages of her residency when she had mixed up patient’s names and charts which goes without saying brought about catastrophic results.

“hi,” she said lowly. She seemed tired or in pain. Anna could not really tell. Just like most doctors. Anna started her exam the minute she walked into the room. An example is how she had realized that her patient was clenching the sheets on the bed she was sitting on. Her legs were swinging and never stopped even after she greeted her. although it was quite difficult to tell whether she was in pain or tired she did show that she was in distress.

“your chart tells me, that you are 18, so are you in school?” Anna asked as she sat her chart down to fully concentrate on Amy.

She was paying full attention to Amy but she could here Dr. T sneak out. She was alone with a nurse as per the clinic protocol.

Oh yeah, he did say I am not being supervised, I really hope I do not screw this up. She thought to herself

“yes, maam…. sorry…doctor,” she said again in low tone.

I can’t tell if she is tired or struggling to breathe, she thought to herself.

“that’s cool,” she said as she slowly removed her stethoscope, she tried to maintain a normal amount of eye contact with Amy and keep her as comfortable as she could before asking her what brought her in.

As a 16-year-old aspiring to become a surgeon, Anna read every book that she could find on becoming the greatest she could be. One of the books she read by Atul Gawande taught her, among other things to not to treat the machine like a machine. This sometimes looked like asking patients questions about themselves first.

“so, Amy, do you play any sports?” she continued as she placed her stethoscope on her chest

“yeah” Amy began.

“I play softball, netball, and I run track”

“can you please take a take a deep breath in for me…………” “and another one out”

Anna listened to both her heart and lung sounds. When she was done she put her stethoscope into her pocket.

“I actually have a softball game later today.” She continued in a voice that was almost inaudible

“really, what position do you play,” Anna kept the conversation going as she pulled a stool to sit down.

“I am a pitcher”

Anna noticed that Amy hands went from the clenching the sheets to her torso. She held herself as if she was feeling cold and falling apart. Anna made subtle eye movements back and forth between Amy’s hands and her eyes.

“I like that, pitchers are a big and important part of the game, during my high school days I played second base. “Anna began as she took her chart where she had placed it.

“that’s really cool, do you still play?” Amy asked

“not really,” she said with a smile. She could see that Amy was beginning to relax.

“okay,”

“so, Amy, how are you feeling today,”

“I don’t really know, I was in Biology class when I started feeling a little hot, then my chest felt like it was closing up and I couldn’t breathe. I felt a little woozy and then everything went black. And here I am “

Anna listened attentively as Amy described her symptoms.

For a minute there was a pause and Anna looked at Amy as if she was solving a mental puzzle.

“Are you nervous about the game today, Amy” she asked with a soft tone leaning in forward

She saw Amy’s hands move from the body to the sheets.

“a little,”

“okay,” Anna nodded.

“okay very nervous,” Amy admitted.

“I understand, being the pitcher can be a lot of pressure.”

“yes, it is,”

“Alright Amy, I want to believe that what you had was a classic case of a panic attack.”

“A panic attack?” Amy seemed puzzled.

“yeah, and I know just the right treatment.” She said with a big wide smile. “come on, follow me,” she said throwing her chart on the bed and taking Amy’s hand.

The nurse that was in the room with Anna seemed puzzled as she had no idea what Anna was conspiring.

Anna led Amy to a secluded yet open space behind the clinic. She had seen it as Dr. Yuvahai was giving her a tour but he had surprisingly not said anything about it. That day it was unoccupied just as it was when Anna first saw it.

Behind the clinic there were giant green trees. Anna could not figure out their names. She hated plant diversity during her pre-med years and quite frankly she didn’t care much for it. The trees surrounded a little open space and there were two benches. The place looked like a garden but even better.

The air was cleaner, fresher and the silence was deafening but in a calm way. It was like an escape room.

“what is this place?” Amy asked as they arrived in the middle of the trees

“it’s our little secret,” Anna replied with a faint smile

“okay what are we doing here,”

“we are here to breathe,”

“breathe?”

“mmmhh”

“are you even a real doctor,” Amy said with a chuckle

“graduated med school so I think I make the cut,” Anna chuckled too.

Anna was beginning to see nature work its magic already with Amy. Her nervousness was slowly dissipating and anxiety was exiting her body. Her physical gestures were less tense and she was getting free. She was even laughing and chuckling.

Anna sat on the ground cross legged. She motioned to Amy to sit beside her.

“alright we are going to try a breathing technique called box breathing, are you down for it,” Anna began softly

“yeah,”

“okay, you are going to breathe in for four seconds, hold for 4 seconds and then breathe out for another four seconds. We are going to do it together. “

“kind of like meditating?” Amy asked

“yeah kind of” Anna replied with a smile.

Together they breathed in and out and Anna was positive Amy would be less anxious and calmer.

“how are you feeling,” Anna asked softly

Tears began to rush down her eyes. For a second Anna was terrified she was going to cry too.

“I feel much better doctor,” She replied.

Anna could see it too.

It will grow on you soon…

: We miss you over here Anna Hall. Everyone misses you. So how are you finding it in Bradfort.

: The therapist asked me that the other day. Bradfort is really alright Dr. Yuvahai,

:no one stays in Bradfort and remains the same, the place itself, the people, the air it does something to anyone who comes into contact with it, I have one tiny request for you Anna.

: you have been asking a lot of me lately Dr. Yuvahai.

: I know, Anna but just allow yourself to be touched by all of it. Open your heart and let the magic work.

: I will do my best. I have to go now, goodbye Sir.

: Goodbye Anna Hall.

The new kid in town….

It had been just a few days since Amy and Anna had crossed paths. Amy had already followed her on Instagram and shared a few pictures from her game. She was slowly loving how the clinic enabled an even closer relationship with her patients. Anna could follow up with them more easily unlike at the big hospital.

She was also getting accustomed to being the new kid in town. The new face in the area. In Bradfort everyone knew everyone, which was a cool thing but it also had its downsides. One evening Anna told Margret that she was going for a walk. Her intentions were to clear her head but she ended up going to the local bar.

She did not drink but Anna wanted an unhealthy drink for once as Margret only served her juices at Love House. The bar was small but there was enough space to move around. The karaoke section at the far-right corner caught her eye immediately as she opened the door. The was a section for darts at the far-left corner. In the middle was the counter where people bought drinks and sat down to drink.

It was a Wednesday night and business was slow meaning, less people. For Anna this was a blessing from above. Being in large crowds simply drained her.

The man who was bartending that evening looked slightly younger than her. He had dark black hair, a well sculpted jawline, thick eyebrows and small eyes. The man wore a long sleeved, white shirt and folded its sleeves, exposing a section of his arms and some veins. He seemed zoned into what he was doing in that moment. The bartender had a big body build, and looked like he put a lot of effort into maintaining his body. Normally Anna would not pay attention to any of this as she would be on her phone but the slow living in Bradfort had her already existing high observational skills at their peak.

“hi,” Anna said in a low voice.

Placing an order at a restaurant or in this case a bar always elevated her anxiety levels. There was something about it that just made her feel like she was going to lose it.

“hey,” the bartender stopped what he was doing “what can I get for you today?” he continued with a smile.

His teeth were straight and white. They belonged in toothpaste commercial.

“umm… may I please just have a Fanta grape,”

“coming right up,” he said with a smile.

She could feel the loneliness creeping in and she reached for her phone in the pocket of her leather jacket but the bartender came back before she could get it out.

“here you go,”

“thank you,” Anna replied

“I haven’t seen you around here, are you new in town?” the bartender began as he was wiping and packing glasses.

“umm…” Anna began

“hey can I get a whiskey…on the rocks.” a voice came from behind Anna interrupting her.

“coming right up,” the bartender replied.

“oh, hi there miss,” the man said turning to Anna as he sat on the stool next to her.

“hello,”

“how’s your evening going?” he asked

“it alright, thank you,” anna began to get up to leave but he stopped her

“I did not mean to disturb you,” he apologized realizing that Anna might have wanted to drink alone. She felt a slight surge of guilt and she had no idea why.

“no, its alright, and I am not really drinking,” she said waving up her soda can.

The man chuckled

“ah I see,” he said nodding.

“I am Mike by the way,” he said extending a hand.

The was something about him that made Anna feel calm, which could be part of the reason why she didn’t end up leaving. He didn’t seem like a threat to her peace that evening. He looked like a genuine person.

“nice to meet you, Mike, I am Anna,” she said with smile, praying her nervousness was not showing.

What the heck are you doing Anna she thought to herself

“well, you are beautiful Anna, and it a pleasure, to meet you.” He said still holding her hand.

“you can let go of my hand now,” she said chuckling nervously

“oh, sorry my bad”

Mike was attractive without a doubt. He had a medium build and was dressed like the Rockstar you would see on tv riding a motorcycle. He wore blue jeans, a black leather jacket and boots. Now that Anna thought of it that was exactly what she was wearing except she wore sneakers.

He had silky long hair and something about it told Anna that he might have some scattered Asian roots.

“did you just move to Bradfort? I don’t think I have seen you around,” Mike began after a long pause they both spent sipping their drinks

Dang it, does everyone really know everyone here she thought to herself

“yeah, I did, what about you? Did you grow up here,” Anna said intentionally diverting the focus of the conversation to him to.

“yep, Bradfort born and raised. I left for a few years but I am back again.”

“Cool, why did you leave?”

“I just needed some air, you know how it can get,” he said staring at his whiskey.

Anna did not know what he was talking about but she did know how it felt to trapped in a place. She felt trapped at the hospital.

“I feel you,” she said in a low voice.

“so…Anna,” he paused and looked into her eyes. Anna wanted to run but had no idea where she would go. There was something about eye contact that made her feel exposed. She rarely did it unless she had to.

“what brings you to Bradfort?” he continued.

“it’s a long story” Anna said thinking Mike would quickly deflect.

“well I have the entire night,” he said still maintaining eye contact.

“I think I tend to overcomplicate things but really, it’s just work,” Anna confessed.

“alright….” He seemed unconvinced “work” he said as if he was digesting what Anna had just said.

“what do you do for work,” Mike asked

“umm… I help out at a clinic” Anna said it quickly.

Anna hated stating that she was doctor especially now. Even as a medical student she hated it. During her years as a student a guy who apparently admired her finally decided to talk to her. For some reason the conversation always finds a way to circle back to ‘what are you studying’. Anna lied and said that she was a fine arts student which led to this boy going in about artists and painters that Anna had never heard of before. Anna swore to herself to be more careful.

“that’s really cool,” Mike whispered audibly. He seemed intrigued by Anna.

“what about you?” Anna asked him

“I am in business” he replied

“that’s cool,”

“can I buy you anything? Maybe a drink,”

“I am alright, actually I need to get going it’s kind of late.” Anna said as she got up to leave.

The real reason…

Anna was back in the therapist’s office. She was still dressed elegantly, her legs crossed and she held her transparent glasses in her hand with her other hand resting on the notebook on her lap. The therapist was still staring at Anna hoping she would give her something that she could work with.

“Do you miss your friends in the city?”

The question hit her like a truck. She found tears rolling down her eyes. Something that she had not told anyone but later decided to tell her therapist that day was that her friends at the old hospital had actually been trying to reach her.

“I just cannot find the mental energy to pick up my phone. And I hate myself for it.”

The therapist did not say anything.

“I know that’s a strong statement for just not being able to answer my phone, but I can’t find a better word. It’s almost as if I can’t stand myself. And I don’t really get why,” Anna concluded

“you don’t hate yourself because you can’t pick up your friends calls even when you miss them Anna. You ‘hate’ yourself because you are putting yourself first. It feels foreign to you so your immediate reaction is to despise yourself for it, but putting yourself is not inherently a bad thing.” the therapist said.

“I am just not used to it,” Anna nodded letting what the therapist had said sink in.

“sure, looks like it,” the therapist confirmed.

We don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to...

The days were going by the wind at Bradfort and Anna was kind of settling into a routine. She would wake up in her spacious room at Love House, do a couple of stretches next to her bed, her therapist had recommended that she meditate each morning and she did that too for about twenty minutes each morning. Anna would then take a hot shower and head to the dining area to eat one of Margret’s nourishing breakfast’s before heading out to the Clinic.

This morning she was examining a girl who had come in with symptoms comprising of nausea and headaches for the past few days. The young lady was sixteen according to her chart and had come in with her mom who would had been anxiously checking her phone and replying texts every other second during the exam

Anna did not only enjoy examining her patients, there was something fascinating about observing their guardians as well. Sometimes she could immediately tell the bond the patient and their guardian have in that thirty-minute exam.

“alright…. katy…” Anna said slowly as she confirmed her name on the chart.

“how long have you been feeling like this?” Anna continued.

“a few weeks,” katy replied

“do you have any allergies or foods that would make you react in this way,”

“No, I don’t have any allergies that I know of,”

“alright are you on any medication,”

“no,”

Anna stole a quick glance at Kate’s mom who still had phone in her hand and her face in it.

“nurse, may you please accompany Mrs. Scott to fill in the paper work for the blood work and tests.” Anna kindly asked the nurse that was standing across the room.

“yes doctor,” she said with a smile

“what blood work” Katy’s mom asked alarmed

“we just want to run a few more tests to fully understand what could be happening to Katy,” Anna assured the mom.

The nurse led Katy’s mom to the reception area. Usually this paper work could be filled after the everything was done but Anna wanted time alone with Katy. Her intuition was telling her that she was not telling her everything and Anna was not the type of doctor who treated symptoms, she wanted to get to the root of it all and treat the patient because that always guaranteed a win.

“Katy explain your headaches to me, tell me everything.” Anna begged she put her chart down on her bed. She squinted her eyes and set them on Katy. Something she did all the time when she was listening.

“well they start in the morning just like the nausea, they are dull but they do not go unnoticed.”

Anna nodded lightly to indicate to her to keep going but she did not.

“alright,” she said finally after a long pause.

“Katy when was the last time you got your period?”

“I… I don’t know…you don’t think…” her voice began to break

“these are just basic questions I have to ask to anyone your age who would present with similar symptoms” she said nodding to her chart in a calm voice

“have you been sexually active in the last few months?”

I am pregnant aren’t I” Katy said as her voice began to break even harder.

“we don’t know that for sure, the tests will confirm that,”

The results came back and Katy was indeed pregnant.

“my mom might be a little upset. But it’s going to be okay,” Katy said.

“we don’t have to tell her if you don’t want to,”

“I have to, I know she seems like the busy mom type but we tell each other everything, well, eventually.”

Another session

“Anna, I just want to remind once again that this is a safe pace and you can feel free to talk about whatever is on your….”

“I had this patient come in today, she came in with her mother. Her mother seemed preoccupied,” Anna began gesturing with her hand. “and immediately I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking she is an absent mom, and felt she had other things to do in that moment instead of being with her daughter in the examination room,” Anna was now continuing in a low voice as she slouched in the couch.

“to my surprise, the girl told me that she actually has a good relationship with her mother. As a matter of fact, in her words they tell each other everything. I was not mean to her or anything but my mind was quick to label her and think badly about her and I just feel…”

“Guilty, shame, ugly…” her therapist interjected.

“yeah, I feel guilty, I feel bad, I feel like I am a bad person for thinking of someone like that,”

“have you ever thought of the possibility that your thoughts are just that, thoughts, they don’t define you, they are not you, and having a bad thought does not make you a bad person.” The therapist spoke.

“I think it was just a thing I had as a child, something that I am slowly trying to outgrow. I went through life putting people in either two categories, the bad and the good. Part of it was to protect myself but now, I am doing it to myself.”

“I like that you are working towards outgrowing that mindset.”

Anna nodded.

“I hope you remember that no one is all bad and no one is all good. It’s not black or white.” The therapist concluded.

But this I can do…

As part of her evening ritual, Anna would open the blank document where she wanted to write stare at the blank page and shut the laptop. One day something changed. A kind of enlightenment. The light was turned on.

I could write about my stay in Bradfort she thought to herself.

Anna decided that evening that she would document her adventures, encounters and experiences in these blank pages. From how she felt the moment she drove into Bradfort, to arriving in love house, meeting Margret, beginning to work at the clinic, Dr. T, the nurses not forgetting Mike and the bartender.

One by one Anna saw the pages filling up, her words were flowing. She was not too centered on meticulously crafting what went onto the pages. Anna wanted to tell these stories as best as she could but more importantly as honestly as she could.

When she had written about ten pages, Anna shut her laptop and went to bed.

Margret

The first few months Anna spent at Love house, she had a made a couple of observations about Margret.

She did not wear a ring

She never talked about any family

Never mentioned any kids

Her cleaning habits were definitely masking an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Margret was doing a great job not asking Anna too many questions about her personal life. Anna desperately wanted to pay her the same curtesy but she was burning with curiosity. “so, what do you like to do during your free time, Margret,” anna asked one day as they were having dinner.

“I love to clean. I love to clean a lot”

Anna was not annoyingly messy herself but she did not care too much for details and order. “that is absolutely admirable, “

“what about you Anna? What do you like to do in your free time?” she asked poking her food but not eating it.

“well, I… don’t… really know,” anna stuttered “I guess I like to write,” she concluded.

“oh yeah, you mentioned that, I bet you will have time to do a lot of it now that you are here,” Margret got up to go to the kitchen.

I hope so, Anna thought to herself

Before she could realize Margret was gone, probably cleaning somewhere in Love House and she had not been able to ask her more about herself

We meet again.

“Let me guess a Fanta grape,” the bartender asked Anna as he came into the bar one evening.

She had an unexpectedly busy day at the clinic. Dr. T was very clear that they did not usually have days that chaotic. It was the first time since arriving at Love house she saw literally every member of staff working in tandem to reduce the lines.

“yes please,” she said with a smile quite honestly flustered at how the bartender remember her last order. It was things like that which actually made her feel like she was not invisible.

Most of her days she would feel like she is floating or gliding through life. watching everyone live while she did the same thing over and over again. Go to work as a resident, come back home too tired to eat but too hungry to sleep. Anna would order take out and the delivery man will remember her name and she would finally feel called back to reality. Like a reminder that she was a person, alive and living. Or at least supposed to be.

“here you go,” the bartender came back after a few minutes with her drink and a glass full of ice.

“thank you,”

Being alone helped Anna to recharge and think. She actually enjoyed spending time by herself. It was only on some days when she would be fully convinced that being by herself was sheer torture. The days when her mind would get too loud and would not stop. But today was not one of those days.

A man came and sat next to her and put her order in.

“hey, a whiskey, please, on the rocks,”

I have definitely heard that voice before

And that order.

And that scent

“coming right up,” the bartender replied.

She could feel the weight of the man staring at her.

“hi,” the man finally decided to utter something

“hello,” anna said as he turned to the man

“Anna right,”

“mike?” anna said with a sigh of relief and happiness

“we meet again,” he said with that beaming smile and Anna swore she felt her knees turn into jelly.

“the last time, our conversation was quite brief I must say,”

“yeah, I really had to go,”

Anna wanted to add sorry to her last sentence but it was not a word she easily let out.

I am not sorry she thought to herself I had to go,

“I completely understand,” he replied.

There was a lull that followed his statement that just made Anna feel calm. Even her thoughts came to a still, and there they were in an old empty bar. Both of them searching for solitude and yet always ending up in each other’s company.

“It really is good to see you again Anna,” Mike finally broke the silence.

Anna noticed that Mike was wearing a different kind of leather jacket this time, a black jean and same colored boots. He tied his hair back and didn’t let it down like the first time. She could see his beady eyes, round and bright.

“I am happy to see you too,” Anna replied hoping her brain would not go blank at any moment in the conversation as it did whenever she talked to someone she thought she liked.

That evening Anna and Mike talked about everything and anything. From politics, a subject that deeply enraged her, to Christmas movies and traditions, food, people, healthcare, business, the economy, even a big debate about cats and dogs. She even let him buy her drink, something she had never done in her life.

Time moved so quickly that night. Anna saw the bartender signal to Mike that he had to close up and decided to end the evening

“I have to go,”

“oh yeah let me take you home,” mike insisted

“no, I am okay, I live right down the block,”

“please let me walk you home,”

“I really am good thank you Mike, I will see you around,” Anna got up to leave.

“wait,” mike called out to Anna.

She was already by the bar door and she turned around.

“when can I see you again,” he pleaded in a soft tone.

“Ummm…” anna began to stammer

He could see Mike get closer and closer and with every step she got nervous.

Before she cut her hair, she would fiddle with it when she got nervous, now that her hair was short, she had limited options so she played with the strings of her hoodie.

“I don’t know,” she finally managed to let out a sentence.

Mike was now next to her. completely towering over her.

How is someone this tall she thought to herself. Okay Anna keep your composure, breathe, make eye contact, you can’t look nervous. Remember.

“I guess one day we will bump into each other again.” She composed herself with a smile and left the bar.

Love is a beautiful thing

“you came in awfully late last night…Hope you had an eventful evening.” Margret was doing her usual routine; setting the table while trying to make small talk with Anna.

“yeah It was quite the night…” anna whispered as she frowned at her black t shirt realizing that it had a toothpaste stain. Anna groaned and rushed to the bathroom in attempt to wipe off the stain. When she came back downstairs, she restlessly rummaged the living room looking for her other shoe. I am pretty sure I left them here she thought to herself.

Her impatience was growing but she still could not find her shoes. Anna was partially oblivious to the world around her as she looked for them but she could hear Margret talking in the background.

“what are you looking for?” Margret gently called out to Anna in a gentle voice to get her attention.

“my shoes! I left them here last night now I just can’t seem to find them,” Anna replied now completely furious.

Margret went back to Anna’s room to get the shoes that were just near her bed. She must have missed them because she got up in such a hurry. Margret knew she couldn’t hold it against her but she couldn’t hide her shock at Anna’s sudden outburst.

Realizing that she had completely bled on someone who had not cut her, Anna paused and took deep breaths in an out. “I am sorry, I shouldn’t have lashed out like that,”

Margret stood there nodding with compassion. “were you saying something?” Anna continued.

“It’s nothing really,”

Anna gave her a disapproving look.

“okay,” Margret gestured with her hands that she had finally given up.

“I was just saying that, don’t be afraid to let people in while you are here, don’t be afraid to let people see you for who you really are during your stay here. Love is a beautiful thing, let it in.”

I would rather be in pain

Although it seemed odd to point out, most of Bradfort's population was geriatric. Anna came to this realization after a few weeks at the clinic when most of her patients were elderly men and women who mostly just came in for a chat and of course pain killers for their aging joints.

As the days went by, Anna was getting more comfortable at the clinic. Her anxiety levels were lowering. Waking up, Anna was literally electrified by the thought of going to the clinic. The dread was gone. On this particular day Anna met Josh. He was sixty-seven according to his chart. Josh had been diagnosed with diabetes ten years ago and was doing a phenomenal job managing. He also had arthritis.

That morning, Josh was brought in by a back pain. “so how would rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10” Anna began as she put her chart down on the bed he was lying on.

He looked like he was in excruciating pain and would give everything to get out of it. “10!” he blurted out in pain.

“is it the first time experiencing this kind of pain,”

“no, …happens quite often,” he said whispering under his breathe

“alright nurse please push 2 milligrams of morphine, I will be back,”

“yes doctor,”

Something is off about Josh. Anna thought to herself. Anna always had a strong intuition even as her child which made her mom think that she was psychic. Her ability to tell when something was awry was almost miraculous. This went both ways as she could perceive greatness even when most people could not. As she grew older, Anna developed more confidence in her intuition and never doubted it.

“Dr. Hall are you okay?” one of the nurses had noticed Anna sitting cross-legged in the reception area. Her arm lay on the sofas arm rest and her middle finger rapidly bounced up and down hitting the chair, something she did when she was deep in thought.

“hey, how can get all of Josh’s medical records?” Anna finally said as she stood up walking towards the nurse who was behind the receptionist table filling in some paper work.

“You might have to call the main hospital, to get those. The process is quite simple but requires the actual doctor to do it and I am just a …”

“Thank you!” she ran off elated.

After she took a few steps she remembered that she had not asked for the main hospital contact details. Anna laughed at herself out of embarrassment.

“you will find the numbers on your desk, inside consultation room 1” the nurse smiled.

“doctors are great and important,” Anna began. The nurse was perplexed and wondered where any of this was going

“but nurses, are incredible,” she continued. She caught a glimpse of a fleeting smile on the nurse’s face. “none of this would exist without you, none of this would work without you. The role you play is remarkably significant. You keep this place running, nurse,” anna concluded and walked away.

Without wasting anytime contacted the hospital to ask for Josh’s. Time was not entirely on her side. With a full knowledge that the morphine would at some point wear out, Anna desperately wanted to figure out what was wrong with Josh. “Dr. Hall, from Love House Clinic, I would like to get access to one of my patients files.” Anna appreciated how rapidly the system allowed her to get access.

“full names please,”

“Josh Key”

“id?”

Anna quickly scanned the badge on her coat “23450098”

“you should have them in 5”

“Than…” the woman had hung up before Anna could say thank you.

"So, this is the culprit," anna said to herself when she finally received the files.

“Josh you know what is causing your pain don’t you?” anna confronted her patient. She spoke with a calm voice to conceal her anger.

“of course, I do, “Anna was too shocked to speak.

Josh was overdue for spinal surgery that is why he was in intense pain. Anna could not understand why anyone would go through that amount of pain when modern medicine existed.

“I would rather be in pain, that get that surgery.”

The reality of being a doctor was that you cannot make decisions for your patients. No matter how ridiculous you feel they are being. Your job is to lay out the options they have, state all the advantages as well as disadvantages clearly and eventually treat them in the way that they would want to be treated. Do patients always make the best decisions? Absolutely not. And does this make the job harder? Hell yes. At the end of the day, as healthcare worker, your obligation is to the patient, and what they want. Whatever that might look like. These were all things Anna learnt very early in her medical journey.

Why are you here?

Anna was a mystery even to her therapist. Some days it would seem as if though she was making progress and some she would flat out shut down. Not saying a word until the time was up.

The therapist finally sighed, visibly showing her impatience. Anna was secretly loving it. She covertly dreamt of a day her therapist would get annoyed. Annoyed to the point where she was simply intolerable eventually leading to a break up.

“anna why are you here?” the therapist placed her blank chart on a nearby table. It landed flawlessly making Anna believe she has some kind of ball game experience.

“I don’t know because Dr. Yuvahai wants me to be here,” she shrugged.

“that’s a lie,” the therapist smiled while looking intently into her eyes. She then proceeded to rest her chin on her hand as if she were thinking.

“Excuse me,” Anna was taken aback.

“why are you really here?”

“I just told you,” Anna was beginning to get nervous. Her voice got high pitched whenever she got nervous.

“and I just told you that you are lying,” the therapist did not flinch.

Anna knew what she felt. Guilt. Guilt, because she knew her therapist was right.

“you don’t strike me as the kind of woman who blindly does what she is told to do, you are the type to have a reason for a everything you do. That or you do it because you simply want to,”

And again, she was right.

“you know what I think Anna?” the therapist was now speaking in more stern voice. “I think you do want to talk, you want to heal, but you are scared, you are scared that you might have to commemorate certain memories that you try to conceal, you are horrified that I am going to really see you, I mean the real you because you don’t let anyone that close,” she uncrossed her legs and leaned even more forward to look at Anna even more directly. “you are petrified that I am not going to understand, terrified of what I am going to say afterwards but you are even more terrified of what I am not going to say and Anna Hall hates being scared. She can’t handle being fearful. Because she thinks she has to be tough. She has convinced herself that she has to be tough. Am I right or am I right Anna?” she concluded.

The therapist knew it, Anna knew it, the whole world knew it. She was right.

We are only as sick as our secrets

“BP is bottoming out!” the anesthesiologist warned, where the hell is she bleeding from.

No, no, no, this is not happening. Calm down. Breathe. See the whole field.

“Dr. Hall! Dr. Hall!” one of the surgeons called out to Anna

Anna just froze, didn’t move a muscle. She even forgot to breathe

“Stats are dropping,” the anesthesiologist warned Anna again

It’s like a lake of blood Anna whispered barely audible still not moving.

“she is flatlining!” the anesthesiologist called out one last time and everyone looked at him with anger as if to say ’we can already see,”

The machine went off and he was gone.

Anna woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of night. Before she was ordered to come to love house the nightmares were frequent. On some days she would decide not to sleep at all, terrified of what she would see once she closed her eyes. Anna had a secret. One she had kept from Margret, from her therapist from Dr. Tell and every other person in Bradfort, unfortunately it was resurfacing

I can breathe free...

Entry 1:

Losing your mind is a slow and gruesome process. It happens so slowly sometimes you are completely unaware. When you finally realize it, the damage is done. The saving is almost impossible. People don’t talk about how hard it is to save yourself. It is energetically exhausting which is why some people don’t do it. They either wait in the treading waters for someone to save them or they simply drown. I love saving the world, its my job, but I hate having to save my self, but everyday I realize I might have to.

Writing helped Anna to process her thoughts. It was her way of exhaling. Although she was finding it hard to write about a specific subject deciding to journal her experience at love House and take inventory of her thoughts was helping her a ton. She wrote about everything. How the air smelt and how awfully familiar it felt, how she could swear on her life that some faces were similar.

“I started writing again,” Anna began one day in Therapy. The therapist looked ravishing as always she paired her long black skirt with a pink floral blouse that was long sleeved. Anna was in one her dark purple baggy tracksuits and wore black trainers.

“that’s incredible Anna, I did not know you write,” the therapist removed her glasses and uncrossed her legs.

I think being in Bradfort helped me to get back into it.” Anna spoke in quite voice as if she was contemplating everything.

“In what way,” the therapist squinted her eyes to show that she was trying to understand.

“unquestionably the slow-paced living,” anna replied. She was facing down but could feel the therapist nodding. “and I…can’t explain the rest but I think my mind is clearer here,”

“when did you begin writing,” the therapist pointed towards Anna with her glasses. Anna let out a chuckle then a sigh as if she was about to tell a long nostalgic story, but all she let out was “when I was a kid,” there was something both cheerful and dejected about how she said it. As if she had unhappy childhood she was never allowed to complain about.

“how was it?” the therapist let out. Anna looked up at her with no expression on her face. “your childhood?” the therapist continued to clear the pretentious confusion on her face.

“it was okay,” was all she could say. The therapist nodded and looked at Anna as if though she was taking a mental note something like ’yep that’s it right there, we definitely going to revisit that part’. She wrote something in her notebook swiftly but Anna saw it.

“what do you love about writing?” she settled her notebook on her lap keeping her gaze on Anna.

“it helps me breathe, I can breathe free because of it.”

An unexpected guest…

Anna had many bad habits, most of from afar did not seem deleterious. You could put them in levels.

Level 1:

Eating while watching television

Chewing gum loudly

Using the phone in the bathroom

Level 2:

Never heating her food.

Wearing sneakers without socks

Wearing the same bra for a month

Level 3:

Biting and chewing her nails

Eating the same food for or ordering the same thing at each restaurant

Being a perfectionist

level 4:

Forgetting to exercise

Literally forgetting that she is living.

Being hard on her self

Level 5:

Disappearing digitally, physically each time she has a mental breakdown or simply got overwhelmed.

Never answering her phone, literally.

Pills, wine and pills.

Level 1 to 4 was baleful mostly to her but the customs in level 5 were the reason why Anna Hall never had a thriving social. being engrossed in residency and all that it came with, Anna was unbothered by having a few people as friends. She was confusing to some people as she became a social butterfly when the occasion called for it but genuinely loved being by herself.

It was a Saturday morning, Anna didn’t have to go into the Clinic or have therapy so she lay on her bed after a long hot shower. She just stared at the ceiling at nothing. Thinking nothing.

The nothing was interrupted by Margret. “I think you have a guest.”

Anna got up from her bed, threw her black hoodie on and headed downstairs for the door. She could not believe her eyes.

What we have...

“is that!?” Bella exclaimed when Liam showed him a big, silver luxurious looking ring. Bella was lying on the sofa in the doctor’s lounge where residents would sometimes take prolonged naps due to the inescapable fatigue. Her shock made her sit up straight immediately. “yes, it is,” Liam replied with a smile as he looked back at the ring. “anna doesn’t know, I am going over to her's right now.” He continued.

“Lia…” Bella began with a concerned look on her face.

“You think she is going to want something less right,” Liam closed the ring case and began pacing up and down the room. “I knew she might want something simple” he muttered to himself.

“Liam,” Bella called out to Liam a bit louder as she stood to her feet. “have you two even discussed marriage?”

“I don’t know I mean, we love each other it only makes sense that...”

“that’s not how that works and you know it, hell, you guys weren’t even dating,” she concluded in a softer voice.

“okay, I see what this is,” Liam began stepping back towards the door. “you are jealous! Ever since your little beak up you have been sad and now you want me to sad as well.” And he left.

Bella felt she was watching a child about to touch a hot stove.

When Liam arrived at Annas apartment door, he checked the roses, the chocolates, the ring and his breath for the big kiss, right. He took a few breaths in and out to calm down his nerves. Liam then proceeded to hit the bell. They were a few minutes of silence that made him think Anna might not be home but she spent most of her off days at home. At least that’s what she said. When he tried her cellphone, it rang inside the house. “okay I know you are in there,” he called out. He hit the bell again.

The knock and the bell together made an ear shuttering noise, Anna thought her head was going to crack open. She let out an annoyed growl. Slowly, Anna began to open her eyes to check the caller id. Liam. He was the last person she wanted to see in that moment. In the state she was in.

"this better be good," she thought to herself as she opened her eyes fully. Another knock and the bell again.

Dang it, anna thought to herself. she dragged herself out of bed and tripped on one of her wine bottles. Her head was now fully throbbing. Anna thought about how she would give up a kidney to make it stop as she found her way unsteadily to the door.

When Anna opened the door, Liam failed to conceal the shock he felt. Anna did not look like herself at all. She looked like pain. A lot of pain. After a disappointed sigh, Anna finally let Liam let in.

“Ey,” Liam began slowly as he walked into Anna’s Living room. For someone living by herself it was actually very spacious, with an expensive looking L shaped couch and large television screen. The space was convenient for the Saturdays Anna would host Karaoke Fridays whenever her few friends were off. Liam looked around the living room before he sat down, reminiscing on the happy Fridays with Bella and Anna, when the three of them were euphoric, away from the hospital. The source of most of their gaiety and oddly enough also their melancholy.

When he had soaked it all in Liam, finally decided to take a seat. In sight, he saw Anna head to the kitchen to drink a cup of cold water. Her apartment had an open plan kitchen which meant Liam could still see her. She looked like something had died in her. And pain. Like she was in a lot of pain.

“what are you doing here, Liam?” Anna said in a low voice as she sat the furthest away from Liam. She sat her eyes on Liam as she supported her head with her hand. In that moment, her eyes looked smaller than they usually were.

“I …” Liam stammered and then cleared his throat. Anna raised her eyebrows trying to stay focused. Despite her deep love for her best friends, she actually didn’t like having anyone over at her house on her off days especially when she had not declared an open house.

“I just wanted to tell you that i…” Liam was interrupted by a ringing phone. Anna’s. it was on the sofa between her and Liam. Anna reached over to get it, silencing it without even checking the caller id. When she looked up to Liam, he had an obvious shock on his face.

Dang it. She thought to herself.

Like nothing had ever happened she refocused her attention on Liam.

“I just wanted… to tell you that I like you like a lot,” He finally let out.

At this point Anna’s eyes were closed. The pain in her head was intolerable. It was moments like these, that made her regret her dark coping mechanisms. Anna stood up and went to the kitchen to get another cup of cold water.

“did you hear what I said,” Liam stood up and followed her to the counter.

“of course, you like me, Liam, who doesn’t like their friends?” Anna managed to let out in a low voice that was barely audible. She was clenching her fists and the glass she was holding. Slowly, Anna unclenched her hands and released the glass she held in her right hand. After placing the cup in the sink, she began walking to the living room.

“I don’t think you understand,” Liam pleaded as he blocked Anna. He was now towering over her, standing too close she was afraid he could her breathe. It made her nervous whenever anyone did that even if was a friend.

“I love you and I want to marry you,” Liam let out. Anna thought she was dreaming. Not like in the fairy tales and in a happy way. More like in a ‘this has to be some kind of joke way’. That was cleared up by the big diamond ring that lay before her eyes and Liam on one knee.

“you have got to be kidding me,” she managed to say. Anna thought she had said that statement internally but Liam sudden Shift of Facial expressions said otherwise.

Anna closed her eyes took deep breaths in and out then proceeded to open them. She hoped when she opened her eyes, all of this would be over.

“Liam, you are my best friend, you mean a lot to me, but this is insane. I am sorry I can’t do this, I am not feeling too well. You will see yourself out.” Anna walked to her room and lay on her bed facing the wall. She could hear subtle footsteps, Liam’s.

“are you okay?”. His voice had concern in it. Liam sounded like he cared. He did. He always did. Anna just didn’t like talking about her thoughts.

“yeah why wouldn’t I be?” Anna replied with no vehemence in her voice, her body still faced to the wall.

“I don’t know just that ever since…”

“Go,” there was a vexation in her one-word statement that Liam felt. That Anna felt. And he left.

“You Look good Anna Hall,” Liam began as they took a stroll in the garden at Love house. He was right, Anna did look better than when he had last seen her seven weeks. Although she would deny it when asked therapy was actually helping. In her solitude, she would contemplate the therapist’s word. An example being, what being herself meant and entailed not forgetting her obvious fear of vulnerability with both the therapist and loved ones. Journaling was helping her keep a clear head. Meditation was compelling her to sit with her thoughts. Working at the clinic was the right amount of challenge but more fun and her random meets with Mike at the bar lit up her soul. The air in Bradfort was clearer and her anxiety was gradually dissipating.

“thank you, I would say the same for you but I am sure you already know.” Anna let out a genuine but faint smile.

There was a perfect silence. Anna could here birds chirping and other insects she did not know making their natural sounds. All of it culminated into a harmonious sound. Anna closed her eyes and soaked it in. she brought was back to earth by Liam’s words.

“So how long are you going to be here?”

“I am not sure, I guess when I start to feel better,” Anna shrugged as she rubbed her short her. she began playing with the strings of her hoodie and Liam noticed she was getting anxious and quickly changed the topic of discussion.

“how has it been staying in Love house?” Anna raised her eyebrows shocked by how Liam seemed to know the name of this place. In retrospect, she did not tell anyone about her trip and was wondering how Liam knew what he knew. Liam seemed to have read her mind.

“oh. Dr Yuvahai was adamant about not telling me where you were and kept saying that you were on vacation but when I told him where we left off, he gave in.”

“right,” Anna nodded absent mindedly.

“being here is great, Liam” Anna let out a big sigh “but…I haven’t changed my mind about anything,”

“I know,” Liam looked down at Anna’s eyes. There were still small and brown but brighter now, they had life. “I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, “he concluded with a smile.

“I am really sorry I had no full idea of what you were going through and for me to come at you like that…” Liam paused to find the correct word. “it was not right”

Anna nodded and smiled with her smile. She took a few steps forward and then turned to look at Liam.

“I hope we can both move forward,” Anna looked at Liam’s eyes.

“yeah me too,”

A death, a breakthrough and recurring pain.

They say the universe will send you the same test over and over until you finally get it right. Anna was beginning to notice a similar pattern of highs and lows and was fed up with it. She wanted change. Wanted to be better, to do better and not end up in the cycle.

It was another day at the clinic, Anna arrived and it was actually quiet. Not the usual few patients but literally no patients. The clinic seemed desolate. She sat at the reception area and decided to have a small chat with the receptionist. They had never really spoken much other than the polite greetings each morning. Anna was enjoying the conversation when a woman came in screaming for help with a tender age boy in his arms.

“please help me! Please!” she cried out. Anna darted to the door and the nurse arrived with a gurney. “maam, my name is Dr. Hall,” anna began to assess the boy once he was on the stretcher. The boy had been stabbed with a knife and it was still protruding the right side of his abdomen. Anna took out her stethoscope to listen to his heart and lung sounds. “pulse is weak and his breathing is really shallow, get ready to bag him.” Anna whispered to the nurse.

“I am here to help; can you tell me what happened?” she continued talking to the mom.

“I just…” the woman could not stop crying. These where the cases Anna hated the most. Cases involving children. It was days like this that made her consider hanging up her white coat forever. “I found him like that in the house.” The woman managed to let out. Anna nodded as she made room for the nurses to hook him up to the machines and bag him.

“what about the knife? Are you not going to remove it?! My baby is in pain,” the woman wailed as she looked back into the room that Anna was leading her out of for her own sake. “right now, it’s the only thing that is keeping him alive, if we remove it, we risk uncontrollable bleeding and we don’t know how severe it has damaged his internal organs,” Anna explained calmly. Dealing with parents in pain like this woman was her least favorite thing about the job. She placed a reassuring hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Dr. Hall!” the nurse called out to Anna.

Dang it she thought to herself. She pulled a quick faint smile at the woman. “I have to go” Anna whispered to her.

She knew what was happening. The woman knew what was happening.

“he is asystole,” the nurse told Anna. Anna’s face bore no expression but, on the inside, she was literally screaming. It was the nature of the job. Unpredictable. What could go wrong. Could go wrong. “push one of epi, she told the nurse as she hastily began chest compressions. One nurse was trying to keep his lungs full of oxygen and prevent hypoxic shock whilst Anna continued chest compressions.

She continued chest for about 30 minutes and eventually they had to call it. “Time of death, 1115hrs.” Anna let out with a wistful sigh. Breaking the news was difficult for Anna but she could not begin to imagine how the mother of the boy must have felt.

Later that day, Anna went to her therapy sessions. The therapist was impeccably dressed as usual.

“I lost a patient today,” Anna blurted out after a few seconds of silence. She was pouting her lips and chewing the inside of her mouth, deep in thought. Her eyes bore no expression just void. “I am really sorry to hear that,” the therapist voiced out with sincerity. Anna nodded blankly as her eyes grazed the carpet in the room. Had it always been there or was it new? she asked herself.

“he was young. Had a whole life ahead of him but you know,” Anna managed to let with her eyes still on the ground. The therapist was now looking at Anna more intently and she could feel it.

“what?” the therapist stare was now weighing on her heavy. “we couldn’t save him,” Anna mumbled barely audibly. Anna looked like pain in that moment. Not only did she look like she was in pain but she was clothed in it. Anna looked up at the therapist and found her eyes on her.

“Anna, are you maybe blaming yourself for all of this.” Her voice had compassion. Anna stayed silent

anna recalling:

“This was not your fault Anna and I hope you can believe that. It’s just the nature of the job. We do our best but sometimes we just can’t save everyone. I can give you a few days off if you want.” “I am good, I need to keep myself busy” she recalled.

She exhaled and stood up. Anna paced up and down the room not saying a single word.

“maybe I do, I don’t know but I can’t help but think that maybe if we just did something things would have been different, then I am stuck in this endless loop of replaying past events to the point where I can’t even sleep sometimes. Then I think if I don’t sleep at all, I won’t have to see any of it so I might as well stay awake.” Anna exhaled as if she had got something off her chest.

“sorry too much information. I don’t know. To answer your question, I don’t know.” She concluded.

Saturdays were mostly uneventful for Anna in Bradfort. She didn’t know too many people or have any friends so she spent most of them reading and trying to write. When she got tired anna would take walks in the garden or eat something scrumptious made by Margret. This particular Saturday Anna decide to do something different and spend her morning at a café. The change of scenery helped clear her head even more.

Entry:

I have been thinking a lot about what my therapist asked me yesterday. I cant even believe I said 'my therapist'. I guess all of this is really growing me. I hate to admit it but I do blame myself. Not sure why because I did all that I could. I guess every doctor just has a list of patients. Patients that haunt them even if all that could be done was done. If I am being honest, sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it.

It began to rain outside. Anna saw the raindrops hit the ground and the window. Women and children running to seek shelter from the rain. The sun was still shining while the rain calmly made an appearance. This was the first time it had rained since Anna arrived in Bradfort and she was loving it. As she sipped her tea, the foreign flavors melted on her tongue. Engrossed in the entire experience, Anna’s attention was caught by a familiar figure walking into the café. It was Mike.

Anna tried to hide her face in her laptop but the damage was already done. He had already seen her. “we meet again,” mike settled on the chair opposite Anna. Anna closed her laptop and pretended to be shocked to see him. His hair moderately wet, Mike looked even more handsome in his all black bike like gear. His smile was still as beaming as it had always been.

“hey,” Anna replied in a low almost inaudible voice. She was smiling but her eyes only grazed the ground.

“you know…” mike began making Anna look up to meet his eyes. “I told myself that if we bump into each other for the third time, I would ask you out,” Anna stared at him with her hands playing with the cup not sure how to respond.

Mike let out a nervous laugh and cleared his throat. “what are doing tonight?” he finally let out. Anna could feel her heart racing. Her palms were getting hot and sweaty. Must have been the hot tea, only if it was now colder. “I…mike I am not really…” Anna closed her eyes trying to find the right word. “what?” Mike leaned in with his hands on the table. they were now looking at each other in the eyes.

Are his eyes actually blue or am I just out of it? What did they put in this tea? Wait no, that’s green. Dang, Anna. Can’t tell simple colors apart that’s why you struggled with Chemistry in pre-med. Anna thought to herself.

“Anna,” Mike called out to Anna from whatever world she had drifted to.

“dating, I am not really dating right now,”

Mike gave Anna a faint smile. “I just asked you what you are doing tonight,”

Anna exhaled and let out a faint smile too. He knew that he was going to win anyway so she said it “nothing,”

“great I will pick you up, around 8, you might want to wear a dress” he said as he stood up. Mike glanced at Anna one last time and went to the counter. Anna realized that he hadn’t actually ordered but all he did was greet the barrister and get his drink.

and what did he mean he would pick me up. He has no idea where I stay. Unless…he actually knows.

Anna was in her bedroom getting ready when she heard muffled voices speaking. It sounded like old friends catching up and laughing. A lot of laughter. The laughter and chatter slowly died down. Anna did not really know too much about makeup nor did she care for it. This was why she always had a simple look. After slipping on her dress and high heels, Anna applied some lip gloss. For a brief moment she stared at the mirror.

What are you doing Anna Hall she thought to herself? It alright she breathed out deeply. It’s not a date its nothing really. Nope I can’t do this she turned around to remove her shoes.

“yes, you can,” Margret reassured her calmly. She was smiling. Margret stepped into the room “you are beautiful Anna, but I don’t think I have seen you look this gorgeous before” Margret complimented her. She placed her hands around her face like a mother would a young girl. Anna smiled faintly but genuinely.

“thank you, Margret,” Anna finally let out shyly. “now, put that shoe back on because I think there is somewhere you need to be,” Margret winked as she left the room

When Anna had put her shoe back on, she grabbed her bag and headed down stairs. Mikes eyes widened as Anna descended the stairs. His admiration for her had never been more visible than in that moment. When she arrived at the foot of the steps she stood directly in front of mike and looked up at him. This time she let him tower over her.

“wow,” he whispered. Anna laughed nervously. “You said I should wear a dress,” Anna shrugged. Her dress was black and slightly above the knee. The dress was tight, strapless and worn with same colored heels that were ridiculously high but comfortable. The dress hugged her beautiful body elegantly. She styled it with simple gold jewelry on of which was a butterfly necklace gifted to her by Bella.

“you look gorgeous Anna,” he finally let out. Mike couldn’t help but notice how Anna’s skin looked luminous “well thank you sir,” anna replied with more confidence.

“go now and get out of here you two,” Margret called out from the kitchen.

The car ride was mostly silent. But a comfortable silence. Neither mike nor Anna felt the need to talk in that moment. Anna realized that she had no idea where they were going but oddly enough, she was not worried. She had already developed an odd trust for Mike. Mike was driving the latest Mercedes Benz. The seats were comfortable but Anna loved the sound system more. Mike was playing folk music she loved. He would take quick glances at Anna during the car ride and when their eyes met, they would both smile faintly. The car came to a halt. It was dark and Anna was not familiar with Bradfort. She could only hope that this was not the part of the movie where she got murdered abandoned in a foreign land.

“we are here,” Mike interrupted her thoughts. He killed the engine, unbuckled his seat belt and went outside the car to Anna’s side to open the door for her. The car was slightly elevated and Anna was ridiculously short. He had to hold her hand to prevent a fall when coming down.

Anna couldn’t help but notice how Mike looked even more handsome that evening. He wore an elegant white shirt, and expensive looking watch and dark blue jeans. Mikes’ sneakers matched his shirt and he wore his hair loose.

“what is this place,” Anna turned to Mike as they were waking on a wooden path that seemed to be leading somewhere. “you will see,” mike replied calmly. Anna nodded.

“here we are!” Mike exclaimed as they reached the end of the path, “Is this a lake?” Anna looked at Mike in disbelief. “I didn’t know Bradfort had a lake,” Anna continued. “who said we are in Bradfort?” Mike shot Anna a blank look. When he saw the horror on her face he chuckled. “I am kidding,”

Keeping his eyes on Anna, Mike began to fold his long-sleeved shirt up, then proceeded to remove his shoes. He took one step towards Anna and again he was towering over her. At this point Annas was trying to figure out what color his eyes were but he broke the stare when he went down and attempted to remove her shoes. When he was done, he placed them neatly behind her.

Mike then folded his jeans around five times to the knee level Anna’s facial expression reeked of confusion. Before Anna could ask any questions, Mike sat down and the edge of the path and let his feet into the water. “have a seat,” he patted the space near him as he looked at the moon.

“this was my favorite place as a teenager, I spent most of days here sometimes alone, sometimes with my friends. It’s one of the few places in Bradfort where I can breathe free.” Mike was still looking at the moon after Anna sat down next to him.

“I like it too, its…. serene,” Anna finally spoke once he believed Mike was done. Anna was also staring at the moon but she could see him nodding in Approval.

“hold up,” Anna spoke up to get Mikes attention. His green blue eyes whatever color they were now on her. “how did you know where I stay?” asked Anna.

“ah,” he let out a faint laugh and his eyes grazed his feet in the water and came back to her. “a new person in town, helps out a clinic, had to be Love house, right?” and here I was thinking I could remain mysterious

“what about Margret?” Anna asked again.

“what about Margret?” Anna had never met anyone with a calming voice like Mike.

“you guys were chatting like old buddies,”

“it’s a small-town Anna, everyone knows everyone,” and there was that smile again.

the moon was so bright that evening it lit up the whole lake. It dimmed the darkness. Mike and Anna talked about everything and anything. Mostly about their childhoods and the world. They laughed a lot and talked even more.

“are you hungry?” mike stood up from the water.

“heck yeah,” Anna followed.

“let’s get out of here,” Mike led Anna back to the car and they drove off to the caffe only to find it closed.

“are they any other spots? these guys seem closed for today,” Anna turned to mike. Mike ransacked his pockets and took at key. “not anymore, they are not,” he unlocked the place and held the door open for Anna.

“why do I feel like the owner is about to become your biggest enemy?” Anna sat down at a seat and placed her hands on the table. Mike paused and looked up as if he were looking for a way to explain. “I guess I just became my own biggest enemy,” he shot a mischievous look at Anna.

“I will be back,” he threw he keys on the counter and went to the back.

Dang, Anna, she thought to herself, that explains the coffee scenario

Mike came back after fifteen minutes with 2 plates of Rigatoni with vodka sauce. It was flavored with basil, garlic as well creamy sauce. It tasted as good as it sounded. All the flavors melted exceptionally well on Anna’s tongue.

“I didn’t know you cook,” Anna admitted with food in her mouth. Yes, sometimes she did that. Especially when she felt comfortable with a person.

“well I am full of surprises,” Mike confessed. Anna rolled her eyes as she chewed her food.

“I like cooking, my mother used to tell me that cooking is an art, a special form of art. She is the one who taught me how to cook.” Anna nodded as she stuffed her mouth.

“and I take it you don’t like cooking,” Mike asked as he took his fork to his mouth. “not a single bit,” Anna admitted and they both chuckled. “I would rather eat, “she justified herself.

When they had both finished eating, Anna offered to take the plates into the back kitchen and clean them. When she got back, they sat in comfortable silence and looked at each other.

“what do you think is your superpower?” the question was random and mike definitely not expecting it. He paused to collect his thoughts and formulate an answer “I want to know what you think yours is?” Mike turned the question back to her.

“I don’t know I think listening…so what’s yours?” Anna asked again.

“reading people,” his voice was calm and he didn’t sound unsure like Anna.

“really?” Anna eyes widened. “read me then,” she lifted her chin and closed her eyes. Mike couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked in that moment. She lashes were long and they curved beautifully like a design.

Mike cleared his throat in an attempt to clear his thoughts, “okay, okay, you might regret this though.”

“Try me,” anna opened her eyes and set them on Mike. They were beady and brown.

“well, I think you have a big heart, you love helping people which is why you are a doctor. You hide it from people even me because you are afraid it might draw attention. You daydream a lot, live in your head more than you would like. You have secrets, a lot of secrets, I can tell that because you talk really fast and there is a restrain your words. You are kind of highly guarded maybe because you have been hurt before or maybe you don’t want to know what it feels like to be hurt. You are strong but sometimes, you just want to crumble and fall apart. You prefer to be alone than with someone only because you understand yourself and not a lot of people do.” Mike paused

Shit anna thought to herself.

“and that look…” Mike pointed to Anna for a second whilst his eyes were grazing the table, “…tells me you are a little scared and if I go on I might risk being ghosted, because you get terrified whenever someone gets too close,” he looked up at her. Anna fixed her eyes and put her hands on the table.

“and what makes you think you are right?” Anna managed to let out. Mike nodded his head subtly to show that he was right, she was spooked.

“We can talk about something else if you prefer,” Mike voiced out trying to pacify the building up tension.

“No, it’s okay, let’s talk about it,” Anna’s voice was getting slightly raised.

“Anna,” mike began calmly. “nothing I said about you was bad,” he gestured with his hands. “and nothing I said makes me love you any less,” he concluded

Double bomb.

Let me see you

“everything about it was going well until that moment, I just hate how upset I got and couldn’t even hide it,” Anna vented

The therapist was nodding and taking notes.

“I don’t even know why I got upset, it doesn’t even make sense to me.” she continued.

Anna uncrossed her legs and leaned in to the therapist “what’s wrong with me?” she said with desperation.

“there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you Anna, you just aren’t used to being with someone that really sees you for who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly and still wants you. Still loves you. Your whole life people picked what they wanted to see in you and now someone sees all of you, they are not trying to save you, or suck the life out of you, they just want you and to be with you. And you see it as a threat. Because its unfamiliar. It’s not the norm.” the therapist paused and allowed Anna soak in all the words.

“you deserve to have friendships and relationships were people really see you, and understand the real you. Let Mike see you, and let this thing take its way, wherever that leads.” The therapist concluded. Anna’s eyes were watery.

“so are you guys going to see each other again,” the therapist asked after a pause.

“I don’t know, I think I scared him off,”

“only time will tell,” the therapist reassured her.

Perfect together

It had been 3 days since Mike and Anna had last spoken. Anna believed he had been spooked. It was one thing she was good at. Pushing people away. Most people can’t stand being pushed and they leave. Only the stubborn were able to stay in her life. like Bella.

Bella and Anna had been friends for long time. Through the good and bad times, she stayed. Most people did not understand how the two managed to sustain a friendship because of their very different personalities but they answer was simple, Bella wanted to stay. Like really wanted and she did. Bella was incredibly attractive, tall and always got the male attention. After being a model for a year she spontaneously decided to go to medical school. Her spontaneity was the major reason Bella and Anna butt heads on most days. Bella didn’t care for a plan or a list while Anna on the other hand couldn’t live without it.

Anna was beyond grateful for their friendship nevertheless. Without people like Bella, Anna would not have any human contact out of the hospital. Not that it would do any harm to her but on some days, she actually enjoyed all of it. The parties, the friday nights they would go to the club solely to dance and the random blind dates she would set her on with rich men who sometimes were twice her age..

Out of all three of them Bella had the most interesting love life. It provided good balance between entertainment and drama. On some days Bella would be elated and jovial about the man she was dating and, on some days, she would be crying and in despair because she hadn’t called back. Either way that and many other reasons was why Anna had never really cared for a serious relationship in med school or residency.

Their friendship was admired by many and questioned by many more but they were perfect together. They got each other and that made them perfect for each other.

They fuck you up, your parents, they don’t mean to but they do.

“I am sorry today I don’t have much to talk about,” Anna threw herself on the couch. Anna was wearing on orange baggy tracksuit and black sneakers. The therapist also noticed that she had used gel to curl her hair and applied gloss. She had never seen Anna put so much effort into her appearance.

“alright, we can always find something to talk about,” she replied as he swiftly grabbed her notebook from the table. there was something about the therapist, everything she did, she did so elegantly, like a lady. Even simply taking a notebook from a table

My mom would have loved her for a daughter. Anna thought to herself

“what was that?” the therapist looked up at Anna

Dang it I must have said that aloud

Her eyes were fixed on her and Anna couldn’t escape.

“I said my mother would have loved to have you as a daughter,”

“and why is that?” the therapist asked curiously.

“you are so lady like, you know like the way you dress the way you do things. You guys would get along.” Anna gestured with her hands.

The therapist was nodding and looking at Anna.

“she didn’t give me trauma or anything like that so you can chill okay, “Anna shifted nervously on the couch.

The therapist laughed lightly like an old wise man, laughing at a stupid young boy acting dumb.

“you jumping to the tell me that your experience didn’t affect you tells me that it might have and correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are either defending your mother or dumbing down your experience to less than it actually was. Or both,” the therapist noticed a change in Anna’ s expression. Like she had hit a nerve.

“when we are children, we look to our parents to be loved and accepted and sometimes when we don’t get that it leaves a scar. Children almost always want their parent’s approval and when we don’t get it, it can sometimes leave us wondering if there is something wrong with us.” The therapist said to Anna.

“it did suck,” Anna finally admitted.

“how would you say that experience shaped your life? “the therapist put her notebook down. “it made me comfortable with being the outcast, I guess. Being different and everything that comes with it. The different treatment. The stares, the talks behind your back. It just made me oddly familiar with all of it.” Anna managed to let out. The therapist nodded.

“but I have forgiven her you know, for everything both my mom and dad. Maybe I shouldn’t defend them, but the damage is done and quite honestly there is not much that can do about it. You know that quote, ‘they fuck you up, your parents, they don’t mean to but they do,’. My mom was raised traditionally, to be the ideal traditional woman and when I wasn’t that even as a child, she just couldn’t comprehend it. In turn her actions didn’t quite stir in my favor and well that’s that. I think being a parent is trying your best to do good by this little human while having your own wounds and scars. The moment you don’t make sense of your own wounds, scars and limiting beliefs the chances of you carrying them on to this little human being are high” Anna exhaled it was the most she had ever said in therapy

“I am so glad that you have.”

There was still and hour left of the session. “I guess we are done for today right,” anna stood up to leave.

“not so fast young lady,”

“I feel like we still have lot to talk about,” Anna looked back at the therapist pretending to be confused.

“what happened at Opel?” the words hit Anna like a truck. A truck carrying rocks. She felt a lump in her throat. Suddenly her tracksuit was turning into a deep fryer. I should have worn something other than just a sports bra under my hoodie, now I can’t remove it. she thought to herself. She was feeling slightly light headed, she couldn’t feel her feet. Hold something, touch something, she thought to herself.

“Anna,” the therapist was calling her but she couldn’t hear her. she called out multiple times

“Anna,” the therapist finally stood up and helped Anna get settled on the sofa. “breathe Anna Breathe,” 1, 2, innnnnnn and ouuuttttt,” “hold my hand, again innnnnnn and out.”

When she finally regained control of herself, she decided to speak up. “I am so sorry, it’s been long since I had one of these.”

Anna had first started experiencing panic attacks as a child, maybe ten or eleven. She would randomly feel like she is running out of air but would just dismiss it as odd symptoms of flu and skip school. They got intense during her final year of high school. It was only then when she put her name to this dreadful feeling she always had. Even after being able to label it she still wasn’t able to help herself when she had a panic attack. In her first year of premed when one of her attacks happened in public, then she knew she had to do something about it. Anna began to educate herself. Investigating what causes them and how to manage them. She took note of her triggers and stayed away from them.

“you don’t have to apologize for having a panic attack Anna,” she sat down and crossed her legs. The therapist removed her glasses and sat them on the table near her. “the only way you going to get through this one is by talking about it, that is why I am here, to listen and help,” she continued.

“talking about it scares me,” tears were running down her face. Fast. She was trying to wipe them but she couldn’t keep up.

“I understand that Anna, but I believe you can do it, and I know deep down you know you can too,”

She was right Anna wanted to talk about it. Despite how terrified she was, she actually wanted to do it. You know when you are tired of your own baggage, that was how Anna felt. Tired. She wanted to let life in. and let go of her terrible past.

Opel, firsts, and spirals

“I don’t know I guess it all started when I lost my patient. It was the first patient I lost since I began residency.” Anna paused to sit up in the sofa. She was playing with the strings of her hoodie and the therapist could sense that she was getting edgy.

“40-year-old woman. She came in for a cardiac valve replacement. We had developed a strong bond even before the surgery, maybe I shouldn’t have done that,” anna mumbled that last part barely audibly. “but we talked about a lot of things like being a female in today’s world, politics, food, dating,” anna chuckled. “we got along so well, she was like the big sister I never had. On the day of the surgery she told me that, she had spent most of her life working and when she is given a second chance, meaning if the surgery went well, she would start really, truly living.” Anna’s voice was breaking slowly.

“during her surgery, everything was going well, until the very last minute, the was a bleeder and I couldn’t find it. My attending couldn’t find it. I froze. Couldn’t move for a good 2 minutes, she was losing a lot of blood and went into shock. We tried to bring her back, we shocked, did chest compressions and nothing. Maria never woke up from her valve replacement. She never got to live like she wanted” she said the part lowly.

Anna changed her position on the sofa She placed her legs on sofa and hugged them. “I don’t know, something, kind of…died in me that day with Maria. Or a darker part of me came to life. I was just flooded with a lot of emotions, the biggest being guilt, guilt that I couldn’t find that… I couldn’t find the bleeder, that I had failed her as a doctor. When patients come in to the hospital, they put their lives literally in our hands and sometimes things just don’t go as planned.” Anna stopped to exhale.

“I spiraled I started taking pills and drank way too much wine when I was not in the hospital. I loved the way the combination made me feel. It was like a line between dying and dead, loved it,” anna chuckled. “I couldn’t sleep, at least not a full night’s sleep, sometimes I would dream being chased or that someone wanted to kill me, I believed it was Maria she was mad at me. I was mad at me. I hated work. I hated the very thing I had worked my entire life for, prayed for. My biggest dream had turned into my worst nightmare. Of course, no one at work knew, my friends were in the dark. The pain was not only crippling but it was isolating. I tried my best to hide it all but sometimes my body would tell on me. I would get the urge to cry randomly, maybe during a consult or a surgery. Sometimes my hands would shake uncontrollably and I would cry because I felt like I was losing control of my body. Waking up was a struggle each and every single morning. Some days I felt like I was better off dead, then I would escape to that feeling between dying and dead. Pill, pills and more pills. I cannot begin to tell you how many letters I have drafted to my residency director to quit because I just couldn’t take it anymore. One day after my hands shook in a routine surgical procedure, I figured that was it. I could stand being a danger to myself but I couldn’t stand being a danger to other people. I finally handed my resignation to Dr. Yuvahai. I was a wreck and hate that he saw me like that but truthfully I figured it would be the last time we saw each other so I didn’t care.” Anna stopped to take a breath

“Obviously he refused and suggested I take a break instead and directed me to Love house instead and here I am” Anna gestured with her hands. The therapist nodded. She then proceeded to tap her left foot and uncross her right leg, something she always did when the session was over.

“how do you feel right now?” she asked as she put her glasses back on.

Anna stopped to evaluate how she was really feeling. “lighter” was the word that came to mind. “lighter,” she said again as if she was re enforcing it. And she was telling the truth. Anna did feel lighter. Anna had never had an opportunity to put all these events in order or even talk about them with anyone.

“great, I would like you to do one thing for me…I want you to write a letter to Maria…” Annas eyes grew wide “and I want you to write a letter to ‘residency Anna’ “Anna’s eyes grew even wider.

“And say what?” Anna asked blankly

“You will know, see you next time Anna,” the therapist led Anna out.

A walk and a second chance.

Anna and Margret had a delicious dinner but she couldn’t concentrate on her food or the conversation. The idea of writing to her residency self and Maria clouded her entire mind. “thank you for the dinner Margret dinner, it was really great,” Anna said as she took the plates to the kitchen. Margret followed her with more dishes. Margret always cooked as if they were a family of ten. Anna went back into her room in an attempt to write the two letters. Just the thought of it made her want to sleep and never wake up.

I can’t do this, I really can’t she thought to herself.

Anna buried herself in her pillow, kicking her legs in frustration and let out an an annoyed grunt. “I think there is someone here to see you,” Margret was standing by the door and watching the whole show. She was intrigued by this human side of Anna that was hidden from the rest of the world. Anna kicked the pillow and marched down the stairs like she was going to kill someone.

“Hi Anna,” Mike was standing at the door. His energy was calm, poised and polite as always. He let out the faint smile that made Anna’s stomach turn. It had been almost six days since they had seen or talked to each other. That night was pitch black but Anna could swear his eyes stood out. “wanna go for a ride?” Mike gestured to his BMW motorcycle.

It was the first time she was on a motorcycle and was beyond thrilled. Anna held on to Mike the entire ride. When they arrived, mike settled the bike under a tree. They took a walk and there was silence. This time around there was tension in the air because of too many words left unsaid. “what is this place?” Anna finally broke the silence as they approached a bridge. “this bridge is what separates Bradfort and the next town, Cherrl.” Anna nodded to show that she understood. The road was arid and there was another tension filled silence. Mike stopped and looked at Anna. She was now looking at him wide eyed in her black hoodie and matching baggy pants. “I am sorry about last time,” mike began with his eyes grazing the ground but slowly landing on Anna. “I was taking time to talk to you again because I wanted to give you space and make sure I came correct with you this time,” Anna smiled at how thoughtful and polite he was. “no, mike, I should be the one apologizing, I… overreacted and just…acted weird…I guess I just don’t know how to not push people away…I am sorry,” she looked up at Mike. “I am sorry,” they whispered at the same time now closer to each other. Mike was so close to her, she could hear him breathe, they leaned onto each other and their foreheads touched. They stood there for a while head to head, eyes closed, two souls, slowly falling, slowly finding peace in each other. When they broke contact, Anna ran off to the line that that separates Cherrl and Bradfort. “wanna come to Cherrl with me sir?” she stretched her hand as she joked in a British accent. “I would love to,” Mike played along as he gently took her hand. “1…2…3.” they jumped the line and laughed together.

“so how long was your last relationship?” mike asked Anna as they were headed back to the BMW. “umm…” anna cleared her throat nervously. Mike laughed quietly. “interesting question because I have never had one,” “hmmm interesting,” mike said calmly. Anna stepped in front of Mike as he was walking and walked backwards facing him. “you know most people get shocked when I tell them that,” Anna said as she laughed. There was something about being around Mike that made her come alive. She was naturally charismatic and very good at putting a good persona to interact with people. with Mike she felt like she could really be her quirky self. “but it is interesting,” mike shrugged with a faint smile “what do you want me to do? Yell and be dramatic like “ohh me! I cannot believe you have never had a boyfriend’ he continued in a fake British accent. “your accent is ridiculous!” Anna exclaimed as she laughed.

“hey, truth is, love is not the same for everyone, some people find it early, some people find it quite later on in their lives, all that matters is finding it right?” Mikes eyes were locked in on Annas and she was still walking backwards only this time a bit slower. “hey you are going to...” Anna tripped on a large rock and just when she was thought she was going to hit her head, get a concussion or at worst a trauma injury, mike held her hand firmly and brought her up. “why are you walking backwards anyway,” he continued walking like nothing happened. Anna remained behind regrouping her thoughts having just seen both her lives flash before her eyes. Both the ones she was living, and the one she clearly hadn’t lived yet.

“what about you!? How long was your last relationship!” Anna called out from behind him. He had now arrived at the motorcycle. Anna came running to catch up “I was married for 3 years,” Mikes facial expression was blank so Anna couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. She paused and kept and stare and she just knew it. He was telling the truth. “what happened?” Anna’s voice was softer

“she passed away,” Mike kept his gaze on Anna.

“I am sorry,” Anna whispered.

“it’s alright,” his voice had pain in it. He was trying to camouflage it, but it was there.

“let’s take you home, Anna Hall.” Mike handed Anna a helmet.

Feels and all things feelings.

It had been 2 months already since Anna came to Bradfort and the amount of healing, growing and learning that she had done was honestly remarkable. Havin began her healing journey, Anna was even feeling lighter. She had talked about the event that made her hit rock bottom, as well as confronted other old events that affected her psyche significantly. During the two months, Anna and her therapist had explored a lot of topics from her obvious toxic relationship with work, a deep fear of intimacy rooted in her avoidant attachment style, a hidden hatred for her parents due of being triangulated as a child, her inner process and untying her identity from Medicine. Anna had nothing but appreciation for her therapist and the work that they had done together. However, she couldn’t help but question her ability to go on without her.

“being in Bradfort has been really cool, you know, I think I need to take a break from medicine every year,” Anna laughed as she said that last part. The therapist let out a genuine smile. “I…met some… really cool people.” the therapist noticed how Anna avoided her eyes when she said that part. “ate some really palatable food, got back into reading, writing and got just be, you know, I feel like I breathe free here,”

“I am so glad for you Anna, “the therapist began “so tell me about this ‘people’ ” she removed her glasses and put her notebook down. Anna smiled faintly and gave in.

“his name is Mike,” the therapist raised an eyebrow intrigued. “we met at a bar like twice and on the third time he asked me out and we have been hanging out,” the therapist stayed silent and kept her eyes on Anna. A trick that helped get her talking. “he is kind, really kind and I can be myself around him.” The therapist was still silent. “what?” anna raised her hands

“I was just waiting for the part where you tell me that you like him because i know you do .”

“I don’t know,” anna shifted on her seat uncomfortably. “I don’t know…I don’t know what I feel is that weird? but I know I feel something just don’t know if its… love? Anna was leaning in and earnestly had a confused look on her face.

“Anna, from what I have observed in these two months with you is that you struggle with getting in touch with emotions or trusting your feelings. It’s like you don’t trust yourself, now this usually isn’t entirely your fault. When we are children we rely on our caregivers for safety and comfort. We rely on them to reflect our emotional states back to us so that we know what is good or bad, when we they are unable to do this, we don’t trust that we will be okay if we explore the world because our caregivers did not accurately reflect, sustain or comfort us….”

The therapist was now whispering to Anna, but audibly. “…when your emotional needs are not met as a child, it’s easy to develop trust issues, finding it hard to trust others, and sometimes yourself.” The last part cut through her like a sword she had to clear her throat.

“chances are you like him, but you dismiss your feelings, so aggressively and quickly in order to convince yourself you don’t. You are still trying to protect that that little girl but she doesn’t need to be protected now. It’s safe here.”

Anna was now nodding whilst her eyes were still on the ground. “give yourself permission to feel, to explore and just be…that is living.”

feel, explore and just be. These words were making Anna a bit apprehensive. She arrived home and there was no sign of Margret.

“Margret!” she called out. Dead silence.

Must be cleaning somewhere in the house. She thought to herself.

“Margret!” she called out again ambling as she checked the rooms in the house. Anna had never been in Margret’s room out of respect for her privacy but broke her pact that day. She gasped at the sight that lay before eyes.

“no, no, no, no,” she mumbled to herself going down on the floor. She angrily pushed the bottle of pills next to her and tended to Margret gently.

“Margret, Margret, Margret, I am going to need to open your eyes now,” she looked around for anything something. This was not hospital she was all alone with a dying, possibly dead patient.

Get ahold of yourself Anna, you are a doctor and have an obligation to this woman. Breathe and take control of the situation. She said to herself internally

Margret was lying lifeless on the floor in her room. She still looked beautiful. Her cheeks were paler but still had their plumb volume. Anna immediately dialed 911.

Okay A, B, C’s she thought to herself. This is why I needed to be kicked out of residency, I can’t even think straight. Airway, breathing, circulation

Anna moved her hand to the side of Margret’s carotid artery on her neck to check for a pulse. There was no pulse. Immediately, Anna began chest compressions. “common Margret,” she whispered in tandem with her heavy breathing. That was another thing about Anna, she was yet to learn how to do CPR without feeling like she needed to be coded herself.

The paramedic came in so hastily. Must be a small-town thing Anna thought to herself.

“it’s alright we will take over now, “one of the paramedics attempted to relieve her. “help me get her on the gurney,” anna said without stopping. She was stubborn they could see it and did not fight her. They allowed her to accompany them to the big hospital.

The paramedics took Margret to Royal Medical Centre. The building was not fancy but evidently had quality infrastructure. Typical big hospital, even in a small town, nurses rushing, doctors taking quick steps which look like running, families nervously waiting in the living room, babies crying because they are sick or they don’t want to be there. The full package.

“56-year-old female, attempted suicide, no pulse,” Anna said as she continued chest compressions. On top of Margret while the gurney was being strolled in.

“and why do we think this was a suicide,” a physician said as he came in to assess the Margret. His whole appearance screamed ‘I am in charge’. He had a white shirt on and a black tie, looked like he was in his late fifties going to 60. The man wore black pants and black shoes that were so shiny his reflection was almost visible on it.

“there was… a bottle of pills next to her upon arrival at the scene,” Anna managed to let out breathlessly as she continued chest compressions.

“how long have you been doing chest compressions,”

“about 10 minutes now,”

“okay let me take over, nurse smith can you get me an air way,” he called out to one of the nurses whom I was pretty sure I had seen somewhere.

“yes doctor,” the nurse whispered as she got ready to intubate.

“you don’t look like a paramedic?” the doctor began compressions.

“I am not,” Anna replied without a twitch of emotion in her voice and stayed glued on the face of the elderly lady on the hospital bed.

“are you family then,”

“not really,”

“alright then I am sorry I am going to have to ask you step outside,

Seconds felt like hours for Anna as she was waiting in the hall. Her impatience growing thicker each second, she began to tap her foot on the ground. Biting her nails. Waiting always elevated her anxiety. Even as a child Anna ended up deciding to walk to school as waiting for the bus made her so anxious she was tired by the time she got to school.

“hi, you waiting for someone,” the guy next to him asked. She had been completely oblivious to the fact that there was somebody next to him.

Anna took a moment to collect her mind and thoughts before attempting to speak. The man looked like he was in his early thirties. He had big, strong build. It was almost obvious that he worked out. He sat back in his chair like a teenager with a really bad posture. The man wore a black baggy tracksuit and white sneakers. A really cool haircut and a well shaved beard. Anna always noticed eyebrows, and his caught her immediate attention.

“uhm yeah, you?” anna said hastily trying her best not to sound nervous.

Wow she doesn’t know who I am, she must be new in town, either way I might just play along.

“just here for a checkup,” he said with a slight smile.

“alright cool,”

The doctor from earlier came back into the waiting area. His tie was still in place and his shoes were still shiny.

At least there is no blood splatter or any fluid splatter she thought to herself quietly as she stood up to hear what he had to say.

“are you the young lady who came in the ER later with the attempted suicide patient,” he said

What the literal heck she thought to herself.

The doctor went on without waiting for a reply from her

“well she is going to be just fine, she might be ready to go in the morning.” He said and then turned around to leave. Doctors always seemed busy, even if they weren’t it was quite hard to tell.

“Margret!” Anna called out to him after he took a few steps

“Excuse me,” the doctor turned back confused.

“her name is Margret,” Anna continued.

The doctor walked away without the slightest care.

“doctors right” the man who sat across anna said with his face in his phone. He looked like he was reading something because he was not texting.

“Yeah,” anna said as she walked out of the waiting room.

I think I just saw the most beautiful girl in the world. The man thought to himself.

A second chance.

Light was seeping into her small eyes slowly. Her head was throbbing and that’s when she knew it. She was alive.

“hey, you are awake,” Anna tossed the magazine that she was reading and leaned in. She was getting tired of sitting in the uncomfortable chair they had for visitors. Someone needs to do something about that she thought to herself.

“I missed you,” anna continued holding back tears.

“I am sorry,” Margret turned away from Anna “I am really sorry,” she continued. Anna couldn’t help herself. The tears came running down. She was scared. And happy. And sad. But scared.

“I just didn’t know if I could keep doing this thing, life. I never told you this…” Margret began after she finally caught a breath.

“but I have kids, now 28, 25 and 23. They hate me for divorcing their father but they don’t know the full story. Dave was leading a double life, he had a wife and children even when he married me, when I found this out, I couldn’t stay in the marriage it just felt wrong and I didn’t want to do the whole ‘stay together for the kids’ thing. I didn’t want a household built on dishonesty. I couldn’t tell my children that and they thought was taking away a big part of their life, maybe I was, but I still allowed him to see them during the holidays but they didn’t understand why we were not together anymore. I couldn’t get myself to tell them about Dave’s lies, it broke my heart and honestly I…” she sobbed

“I was afraid it would break their hearts too, they loved him, and I know in a way he loved them too,” Margret caught her breath.

“when they were old enough, they moved out and never talked to me, I would write letters every month to all three of them and none of them would respond, this morning I got a response. I saw the address and I thought…finally…finally.” Margret turned to look at the ceiling. Anna was listening intently holding her hand. “it was my oldest girl, Lina,” she said “she told me to never write again, and that she was tossing my letters in the garbage anyway.” Anna’s heart shuttered.

“I couldn’t take the pain, and just wanted to sleep and never wake up,” Margret admitted.

There was a silence filled with Margret’s silent sobs.

“I am so sorry, Margret.” Anna whispered. “I am here for you.”

Except she was leaving in a month and Margret would be all alone again.

You shouldn’t be alone.

The doctors were keeping Margret for another night maybe two at Royal and Anna was alone the night of the incident. She couldn’t sleep because when she closed her eyes, the image of Margret on the floor clouded her imagination. Anna thought she was finally drifting off when this time around she had a nightmare. This time around, there was someone else on the floor, herself.

Anna was woken up in a cold sweat by a knock on the door, she was wearing cycle shorts, t-shirt and threw on her oversized hoodie.

“coming!” she shouted as she ran down the stairs.

Anna paused to regroup and collect her thoughts. Nightmares always made her spiral. She opened the door gently. “hey Anna,” there was a calm in his voice that soothed Anna. He was wearing black hoody and sweatpants like he had just woken up. His hair was loose.

“mike? what are you doing here?”

“I heard what happened and I thought you shouldn’t be alone,” Mike removed his hands form the pockets of his hoodie, taking a small step towards Anna. They were so close to each other and he opened his big arms and Anna slowly gave into his embrace. Silent tears came down her eyes as he was hard pressed against his chest. He slowly rubbed her back to comfort her. Anna knew what she felt in that moment. Safe. Anna let Mike in.

“I don’t think you should sleep alone tonight,” he said as Anna was the kitchen drinking water, she quickly splashed her water through her mouth and coughed heavily.

“are you okay?” mike asked as he looked down on her.

“yeah…I am fine, I think I will be fine,” she was trying to convince herself. She knew she was not going to get any sleep because when she got three nightmares in a row, she just decided not to sleep.

“okay, I am not taking no for an answer, grab your comfy blanket or whatever you will need you will sleep at mine tonight…just tonight…” Mike begged.

Anna agreed. Mike's house was beyond gorgeous. It was a mansion. You know the glass walls, white couches fluffy carpets you see on TV, yep that was him. Aesthetic, expensive, classy.

“sorry for the mess, Ella and I had a play date and I never got to clean up.” Mike whispered as they entered the house. There was a firehouse that almost didn’t seem real, like it could be shut down with a remote. Mike picked up a remote on the table and switched it off. Anna was right. Crazy. His kitchen was spacious, tidy, classy. The theme of the house was black, white and glass.

“if you think this is a mess, you should see, my apartment,” anna teased. Mike laughed silently. Anna couldn’t help but look around at the place as he led her upstairs to where she would be sleeping. “this is the guest room and its yours for the night, bathrooms over that side and remotes for the tv and AC are right over there,” mike pointed to a curved table at the corner. The room had a king-sized bed, and opened up to a balcony through which you could see Bradfort Lake and another side of Bradfort Anna couldn’t decipher. She felt she was in a luxury hotel even the toilet was ostentatious. “thank you,” Anna whispered audibly enough for mike to hear. He held her shoulder and squeezed it gently, twice and turned to leave the room.”

“Mike, can we watch a movie,” Anna voice was soft and somber. Mike knew that she just didn’t want to be alone and wasn’t ready to sleep yet. “yeah,” he replied with a smile. They watched two funny movies and then Anna dosed off within an hour of ‘the odd life of timothy green’. Mike made sure she was well covered in the blankets and slipped way to his own bed.

Do you wanna talk about it?

When anna woke up the following morning, she could smell eggs and bacon from her room upstairs. The growl of her stomach propelled her to get out of her bed and head downstairs. As she went down the fancy glass stairs, she could hear laughter. A little girl and on older man who sounded like Mike. When she got to the foot of the stairs, she passed the living room and the kitchen was in sight. The little girl was sitting on the stools at the curved shaped counter and mike seemed to be cooking. “hey there,” Mike looked up to Anna as he gracefully tossed a pancake. His hair was tied up and the sleeves of his hoodie were rolled up. He wore matching pants and slides. The little girl had incredible hair like his dad. Dark and long. “hey,” anna let out a light smile. She sat on a stool on the counter leaving one in between her and the little girl. “Chiara, this is Anna, she is my friend…Anna this is Chiara, my daughter.” Anna finally looked at the little girl’s face. She was pure gorgeousness. Chiara was extending hand to Anna. She froze for almost five seconds before accepting it. “it’s nice to meet you Anna,” Chiara’s smile was just like her dad’s. effortlessly big, bright, beaming and beautiful. She looked around five years but was still showing signs of how of high intelligence for a child her age.

Mike’s sat the table and went away to answer a phone call. “so are you my dad’s girlfriend” Chiara asked she stuffed her mouth with a pancake. Anna laughed shyly. “we are just…friends,” Anna replied as he took a quick glance at Mike whom she could see outside still on the phone. The call looked serious, maybe a business deal. “so, where do you work,” Chiara interrogated. “I work in a hospital,” Anna replied looking down at her food. Chiara had stopped eating and her eyes were now on Anna. The stare was heavy Anna decided to look up. “doctor or nurse?” Anna swallowed hard. “resident…like a doctor in specialist training,” Chiara just nodded. “do you have a car?” the interrogation continued. Mike came from behind and hugged Chiara, “are you interrogating our guest?” mike tickled and hugged Chiara. Chiara laughed so hard and loud, Anna just smiled and wished she could remember more of her childhood. Had she laughed like that with her dad?

“I am sorry, Chiara can get a little…curious.” Mike sat down next to Anna at the table to eat. “it’s alright, she seems incredibly smart and she is beautiful too.” Anna complimented. Mike smiled and nodded. There was a silence as they both ate their pancakes. “how did you sleep,” Mike asked as he put his fork down to concentrate on Anna. “I slept well,” she whispered. “do you wanna talk about it?” Mike whispered. Anna shook her head disapprovingly.

When she finished her food, Anna went upstairs to freshen and then she stood on the balcony breathing the clean air. Anna closed her eyes and felt her lungs expand letting in all the air and letting it go. She was at peace. she was calm. When she opened her eyes, she could see the lake and other parts of Bradfort that she did not know.

“knock knock,” mike was standing at the door. Mike walked in and joined Anna at the balcony. The both had they hands on the rail and just looked outside. “my time here is about to be up…and I have to go back,” Anna broke the silence. Mike just turned to face Anna and didn’t say anything. “thank you, Mike…Thank you for everything,” Anna let out a huge smile and went in for a hug. Mike held on to Anna tightly but gently still, not saying anything.

Later that day, Mike and Anna went to visit Margret at the hospitals she would be home the following day. Afterwards, they both took Chiara to the park on yet another play date. Anna saw how much of an amazing father Mike was to Chiara.

Last days

Ever since she was child Anna had always been a sentimental child. There was a beautiful thrill she got from first days and last days. First days at school and last days at school. To her, they were moments to be remembered forever. Anna’ s last day at the clinic began quite mundanely. She saw a few patients, signed off on a few transfers to the big hospital and called the big hospital for some patient records. When it almost time for her to go, one of the nurses called her to Dr. Tell’s office.

“Dr. Hall!” He exclaimed as she opened the door. “come on have a seat,” he gestured towards the seat across him. Anna appreciated a few photographs on his table and some on the wall. There was one of him and other doctors in what looked like an African country. The other was a family portrait. Anna must have been too in her head the first time to have seen them.

“how are feeling today?” Dr Tell leaned in earnestly. “great really great Dr. Tell, thank you” Anna let out a beaming smile. He nodded in agreement as he pulled an envelope out of his drawers and placed in front of him. “well, today is your last day here,” anna nodded with a faint smile fighting back tears “and I have to say it has been a delight having you at Love House Clinic.” He began. “I really wish you all the best with all your endeavors and hey, don’t be stranger, the clinic is always open for you,” Dr. T stood up with the envelope in his hand to give Anna a hug. Anna let the tears flow and wiped them away.

“one of your former patients said to give this to you before you go,” he handed Anna the envelope. “thank you so much, I am going to miss all of you,” Anna smiled and left the room.

When she got home, anna ran to her room to read the letter.

Dear Dr. Anna Hall.

I thought about really coming over to tell you this in person but I think it will come out better in writing, besides you seem old fashioned so I don’t think you will mind reading a handwritten letter. This letter is simply to express my sincere gratitude to you for your kindness. I know it’s your job to help people in distress but I would like to thank you for seeing me first as a person. A human being. That day I thought you were going to give me a bunch of pills and have me on my way but you sat with me and taught me what to do if it happens again. Till today I still practice box breathing when I feel myself getting anxious or panicking. Thank you for listening to me, even when I didn’t want to talk. If I would become a doctor, I would want to become a doctor like you. A doctor who cares. I hope to see you soon one day Anna.

Love,

Amy (your former patient)

Anna was now uncontrollably sobbing. Tears of joy. She was happy beyond words. “are you okay, Anna?” Margret asked concerned as she stood at Annas door. Anna nodded as she wiped her eyes. Margret sat on the bed next to her, holding her hand. “I can’t believe you are about to leave,” she smiled at Anna. “me too, I am going to miss you so much,” she whispered. There was silence. “I don’t know if I am ready to go back,” Anna whispered barely audibly. Margret looked up at Anna intentionally. Her eyes were strong and magnetic. She inhaled deeply and exhaled deeply too. “I think you are…” Margret said quickly. Anna looked up. “your big heart, is an asset, to you, to others to the hospital. There is so much good you have yet to do. Just breathe Anna, don’t forget to breathe,” she smiled at Anna .

A release

dear Maria,

I really wish you could read this, but I am still going to write it like you are. Where do I even begin…I want to start off by saying that I am sorry, sorry that my team and I’s best efforts couldn’t save you. I really wish I could have found that bleeder on time and then you would be alive, but situations in the operating room aren’t always that easy or predictable. Unpredictability is the name of the game. Surgeons are fallible and medicine is an imperfect science. I have to say you were by far my favorite patient. We had endless, random conversations. I admired your drive and passion. Your pursuit for greatness and all things great. You had the loudest laugh and an addiction to Cheetos. I loved your spirit. I know you would understand the imperfectness of that day and be okay with it which is why I am working on that too. Forgiving myself and living on. Your spirit will live forever Maria.

Love,

Anna.

Dear residency Anna

My therapist said I should write you a letter. I am not sure what to say because looking at it now there is a lot that has to be said. I am sorry that you blame yourself for your patients death and I am so sorry you feel alone in all of this. Truth is, you are really not alone. I hope you will learn to be open with the people who love you the most, I hope you will learn that your identity is not tied to medicine, your writing or anything that you do. I hope you know that you are just as amazing of a human with or without any of that stuff. I hope you realize that you don’t have to run away from yourself or your thoughts. I hope you know that one day your mind will quiet down and you feel calmer. I hope you learn to breathe, fully and always go where you feel free.

Love

Anna (from the future)

“I finally wrote the letters’” Anna said to her therapist on day as she walked into the room. “that’s really great, Anna.” The therapist smiled as she took the envelope that Anna was handing her.

The therapist scanned the envelope hastily and put them on the table. Anna followed her hand as she put it on the table hoping she would read them. “how did it feel…writing these letters.” The therapist asked as she removed her glasses. “I don’t know…I guess emancipating. I felt like Maria would understand that complications could happen in the OR and that I should also forgive myself. It was liberating.” Anna sighed deeply. The therapist nodded with a faint but veritable smile. She took the letters off her table and handed them back to Anna. “wait you are not going to read them?” Anna was bewildered.

The therapist chuckled “no way…all of this was for you, you can throw them away, burn them I don’t care the purpose of this exercise has been completed,” Anna chuckled. She took the envelope and put it in the pockets of her large hoodie.

“our work here is done, Anna.” She continued as she put her glasses back on. “I am confident you have learnt how to process your emotions your own way. Working with you was a …rewarding challengee.” Anna couldn’t help but smile. “I am so excited to see what you do next and I wish you the best with whatever you set out to do.” The therapist stood up and Anna followed suit. They embraced each other and she led her out of the room. Anna was going to miss this.

Leaps…

Four year passed and Anna completed her residency in Cardiothoracic surgery at Opel University Hospital. She decided to continue her residency because she couldn’t imagine herself doing anything else, other than being a doctor. The four years were not a walk in the park but she had learnt how to deal with the long hours and workload as well as the toll they took both physically and mentally. Dr. Yuvahai was also incredibly supportive throughout the entire process. Her friends Bella and Josh were also an incredible support. They continued karaoke Fridays when they were off. The trio even decided to visit Italy together, something they always dreamt of doing before residency finished. And Mike, yes, he visited too, sometimes alone and somedays with Chiara.

Anna was taking bigger risks and more chances in her life. she was allowing people to see her, really see. She said everything that she wanted to say and did all the things that she wanted to do. Anna felt like she was fully living. Anna worked for a few years as an attending at Opel before she decided she wanted to go somewhere better.

“hey babe,” Mike whispered as Anna opened her eyes. She smiled faintly as she moved to nearer him under the covers and buried her face in his chest. “hey,” she whispered back. “are you hungry? Should I go make breakfast?” mike asked as he brushed her hair. Anna had finally decided to grow her hair and she looked absolutely gorgeous in it. “can we stay like this, I love this.” Anna was whispering but audibly enough for Mike to hear her. she tangled her feet with his and let his big arms cover her.

“You know, I always wanted to know why you came back to Bradford, other than that you love me so much,” Mike teased. He let his arms loose so Anna could move. She moved away from his chest and flicked her hair from her face with a hand that had a diamond ring. Anna exhaled deeply with her nose. And looked deep into Mike’s eyes. Now that she had been so intimate with him, she had finally figured it out, his eyes were green. “because this is where I can breathe free Mike, right here.” Anna closed her eyes and let Mike plant gentle kisses on her forehead.

The end. (for now)