Prologue
What can I say, I guess I never saw this coming. After six years you kind of build a life with a person and think you’ll be with them forever, that you can’t live life without them. Sometimes you’re wrong though, life isn’t a fun fairytale where you live happily ever after just because you started dating the man of your dreams. Oh it’s fun at first, but then you realize after moving in that he didn’t want a girlfriend, but somebody to be his maid, he refused to clean or cook, and suddenly you find yourself doing everything plus working fifty hours a week on top of that. He then tells you that you need to get a therapist because he can’t stand you being so tired and depressed all the time. Oh but you can’t stand the thought of life without him, because despite all that’s going on you still love him and can’t imagine life without him. Then after years your unhappiness catches up with you so you start to spend time by yourself and realize you prefer things like that. An argument ensues, and suddenly he starts spending long periods of time with his female coworker. That was the beginning of the end.
I have to say, by the time we finally broke up I felt super relieved. The wave of losing my best friend comes and goes, but romantically I don’t miss him at all. I’m actually looking forward to that next chapter of my life, despite nearing thirty I can have friends again and go on dates. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been on a date. I probably waited so long to break up because most people my age have already settled down and gotten married, many already have multiple kids, and here I am; single and alone. I would never tell him, but each year around special occasions like Christmas, Valentines day, my birthday, our anniversary I’d wish he’d propose to me. I had so wanted him to pull a ring out of his pocket and kneel down in front of me and ask me to marry him. Yet, each holiday came and passed. Years passed, and as each one did, so did my childlike hope with it. How had we been together for long, yet I never wore a ring on my finger? Did he ever love me like I loved him?
It feels like my life is just beginning. It’s scary, but exciting at the same time. I feel free for the first time in so many years. I feel like I’ve been blinded by the rose tinted glasses for so long, being stupid and blinded isn’t a good combination. I recently read that a man shouldn’t want to have sex with a person who said no, but yet he’d keep pushing it. I realized he wouldn’t let me have any friends, and moved me so far away from any remaining friends and family. I was truly alone, all I had was him. The more I think about how things were, the more I wonder how I put up with all of that for so long. I get sad at the thought of wasting so much of my early twenties being unhappy and depressed when I could have been surrounded by friends and family who would have been there for me. I guess I didn’t know what was causing the depression, or I wanted to block it out.
Starting over is scary, for six years he’s all I’ve known. I spent every day of my life with him, how do I go on without someone constantly at my side telling me what to do? Do I even know how to make decisions on my own anymore?
If only I wasn’t so blinded, but I’ve got to leave the past in the past and move on. Easier said than done I guess. I have to keep telling myself to keep moving forward, things will get better soon. I hope anyway.
