My Name Is Alonzo
My name is Alonzo. I’m a Golden Retriever and an author. Authors of the canine species are often ignored by the general public. A lot of people think dogs just write books that are sappy, sentimental, and trite. I’m not going to lie to you, this story is all of those things. But at the same time, it is about two of the things that humans like more than anything else, mainly sex and politics. Humans love sex and politics but I have to admit that they do get uncomfortable when these subjects are being discussed especially when the discussion is started by their dog.
I can give you some interesting perspectives on these important topics and I am eager to share my wisdom. Don’t worry I’ll try not to make it weird. For instance, I promise that I will make sure the sappy stuff doesn’t get too mixed up with the sex stuff. I can tell you are already starting to have some doubts. But just know that I’m not so sure about you either. You could be one of those people who turns their neighbor in to the IRS, leaves bad reviews on Amazon, or tries to make their dogs wear clothes.
So anyway, my story starts when Amy, my owner — god that’s an awful thing to call her, but it’s true. In most societies, we are property and can be bought and sold. You can’t own a dog. Although I know it is easy to believe you can. Dogs are a mercenary species. If you promise us a piece of meat we will roll over. If you give us a warm place to sleep we will bark at intruders. If you scratch behind our ears we will look into your eyes and make you believe you are OK just the way you are.
But that doesn’t mean you own us, that’s just us understanding economics. You sell yourself every day at your work for some corporate overlord who tells you when to bark and when to roll over and you never get a treat. So don’t talk to me about ownership. You don’t own me.
Well anyway, Amy is the lady that lives in the apartment with me. She is a homo sapien: a wise ape. Obviously, the rest of the animal community was not consulted when that name was dreamed up. I am not really going to get into all the different names we have for you, just know they are usually a play on your lack of body hair or your obsession with sex; they are never about how wise you are.
One of the biggest problems animals have with humanity is their tendency to ignore their relatives. Most of you deny being an animal altogether. It’s insulting. You are one of us. I know Amy is a private person and wouldn’t want me to air her dirty laundry but the fact is when she comes home from playing tennis; I can smell her getting out of her car two blocks away. And her laundry? It gets dirty, real bad. A lot of humans wonder why dogs stare at them when they are on the toilet. We are trying to let you know, that we see what you are doing. You aren’t so special. You’re a fancy ape, that’s all.
That being said Amy is a really nice lady and I feel bad for her. She’s really important at her work. She’s only twenty-seven, but she has a doctorate in political science. She’s super smart. Her job is really complicated and when I hear her talk about it I kind of zone out and think about more important things, like if I could figure out how to pee in bottles maybe I wouldn’t have to leave the apartment when it’s raining. I could just send Amy out with the bottle and she could mark all my usual spots for me. Still, I’m really proud of her because she is an aid to the director of the Environmental Protection Agency.
Amy wants to be a writer too. She wants to write romance novels. She works on that after she gets home from work. Amy’s problem is she doesn’t know anything about love. Not really. She does have a boyfriend who is a billionaire who comes over sometimes for dinner but he is a real pain. He is always trying to talk her into doing weird stuff in the bedroom like wear a collar and stuff like that. Which let me tell you from personal experience — it’s degrading. So she’s kind of on the outs with him. I think she should be interested in the guy down the hall who works at the meat department at Costco but she doesn’t notice him because he isn’t a billionaire. So anyway I’m going to start my story now.
15 days until Amy gets abducted...
