Spring

Another spring has passed, another year in which I watch everything around me wake up and everyone's hearts become warmer, because everything is more beautiful in spring, as you always said. Spring, your favorite season that I fell in love with only because of you. Now spring has become my personal hell. A reminder of everything that happened. There is a storm in my heart now that is becoming more difficult to endure every day. I tell myself how I have to live and wake up every morning with the memory of your smile with which you always greeted me and your gentle voice that I could listen to for hours like a melody composed just for me. And how the tone of your voice became even gentler every time you said my name. I must never forget the color of your hair, your sweet smell or the way you looked at me, because I have no right to. I have no right to forget anything about you and that is my biggest punishment. I live every day in the hell I created and memories of you tear me to pieces every second, because not a moment goes by without me thinking about you. About us. What we could have been if only I had noticed in time that something was wrong. I look at myself in the mirror and say: "murderer, you killed her with your carelessness, you couldn't protect her in time and now it's time for you to suffer. Her happiness is gone. She's gone. And it's all because of you." When I put my head down I see bloody hands. Your blood on my hands that will never come off. I can't visit your grave. I have no right to tell you how much I miss you, because I have no right to tell you how much I loved you. And how much I still love you. I don't even have the right to take my own life, because that would mean that I want to get out of this pain. My hell is here on earth without you. That's why I step through another spring and every cherry blossom petal that wanders in the breeze cuts me like the sharpest blade and stabs me from all sides.