Eternal Love

AZIZA LOCKHART

Opening her eyes to free herself from her meditative state, Aziza uncrossed her legs from in front of her and stretched her arms and legs. She had just gotten the hang of meditating for long periods of time and was ecstatic to say the least. It was one of the things that cleared her mind since she started this ‘healing thing’.

You could say that she was a little apprehensive about the whole thing but her therapist had recommended it to her as a healthy way to clear her mind other than smoking marijuana. Not saying that marijuana was a bad thing but it had been only a year since she started and she had made it a habit to do it everyday.

Finding herself, wanting to light up every time she found herself stressed, overwhelmed, or thinking about the past and what that consisted of. It had become an addiction. Something she wasn’t proud of saying out loud but she was coming to terms with accepting that that’s what it was.

First step to healing right? Acknowledgment.

Slipping her feet in her 8 1/2 size shoe, Aziza made her way into her kitchen. She had a small 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment with just enough room for her and her plant babies. She didn’t have any pets or children to share her space with and she kind of liked it like that.

She had spent her entire life sharing her space with her siblings growing up, so now that she had her own place, she took advantage of the privacy.

Deciding on what she wanted to eat before she went to her therapy session, she settled for making herself some brown sugar and cinnamon oatmeal with some fresh cut up strawberries, blueberries and mangos on the side. She paired her breakfast up with a cup of hibiscus tea & honey.

Aziza was trying to adjust to this new vegan thing she decided on doing at the beginning of her healing journey. She had watched a lot of motivational videos via YouTube and they all spoke about the importance of mind, body and spirit and how they all corresponded with each other.

She was able to understand that the food she was previously eating played a large role in her energy levels, mood and health issues. So she took the initiative to go completely vegan and start feeding her body with more healthy things.

She was trying to heal after all, what better way to start trying to heal your mind than starting to heal your body first.

At first, it was dreadful. Believe it or not, Aliza was that 10-piece hot lemon pepper with Cajun ranch fries type of girl. She was petite but she had the appetite of a grown man. She would be lying if she said that she didn’t miss it. But her health mattered a whole lot more to her.

Sitting on her velvet green couch, Aliza picked up her journal from the table and began to write as she ate her breakfast.

poem entry #4— validation

Without validation, I feel like I’m walking blind.

Oblivious to the fact that I have everything that I need.

I have to tools to guide myself through this darkness that I reside in.

These tools equate to a white cane.

Understanding that the journey I’m on is cloudy.

But the tools that I’ve acquired were made for this weather

Why did I ever need validation from others anyway?

Redundancy

I trust that I have everything that I need

Trusting these tools to guide me in the best way

Swinging this white cane with no fear

For I, give myself validity that this tool will lead me away from unnecessary obstacles on my path.

Placing her pen and journal down, she sighed and picked up her tea, taking a sip of it before finishing her breakfast. After breakfast, she watered her plants and went into her closet to start her day.

It was currently 9:09 am on her clock.

A number that she had found herself catching a lot lately. When she looked the meaning of the number up, it read: “though a part of your life may have been altered, halted or changed, things will ultimately turn out for the best, like a ‘blessing in disguise’.”

It wasn’t lying, but she was finding it hard for her to see the blessing in getting her heart broken for the second time in a year.

Deciding on a pair of ripped mom jeans, a black long sleeved crop top and some black leather high top vans, Aliza threw on some gold jewelry to accessorize the look. Spraying her Escada Summer Festival perfume on, she grabbed her small black and white Marc Jacob’s tote bag and headed for her front door.

Her therapy appointment was scheduled for 10 o’clock and it was going on 9:45 am. She lived about 30 minutes away so she was hoping to make it on time. She didn’t really have the time to reschedule. The remainder of her week was busy.

For work, Aziza was a photographer who often did photo shoots for big modeling companies. So far she had done shoots for big brands like Nike, Estee Lauder, & Adidas. Shooting models was her thing. She loved being in front of the camera just as much as she loved being behind it.

She just couldn’t see herself being a model though. She had trouble imagining it like she use to as a child. So naturally, she settled for being behind the scenes. It was her comfort zone.

Aziza was a college student majoring in Bio-Medicine. She worked Monday-Tuesday & Thursday-Friday. On Saturday, Aziza attended Poetry Slam, whether it was for performing or just going to listen. It was her happy place outside of her actual apartment.

Aliza didn’t have many friends. She had associates that she had met through work. She had had her fair share of fake friends and she had just decided that she can do without the drama. It wasn’t her element at all to be in drama and constant turmoil with friends, so she stayed clear of them.

She had always been that way though, a loner by default. Even within her family she was outcasted in some way, shape, or form. Being the middle child of 5, Aziza was the complete opposite of her family.

While they were loud, confrontational and outgoing; Aziza was reserved, quiet and shy her whole life. So being isolated wasn’t anything new to her.

“Hi, are you scheduled for an appointment today or would you like to schedule one?” The honey brown receptionist greeted her with a warm smile showcasing the gap between her perfectly straight teeth.

“I’m scheduled to meet with Dr. Robinson today at 10.”

“Okay, you can just have a seat and I’ll let him know that you’ve arrived love.” The lady gestured towards the seats behind Aziza and turned to walk away towards the office of her therapist.

Taking a seat, Aziza checked the time on her phone. 10:01 am.

Another number she had found herself catching often. She hadn’t gotten around to checking out what the number meant but she was sure it had some meaning.

After all, nothing was a coincidence.

“Dr. Robinson is ready for you. It’s the 3rd door to the right, love.” She smiled her way, before returning back to her seat positioned in the front of the facility.

“Thank you.” Aziza softly spoke as she made her way towards the back. Entering and closing the door behind her, she took a seat in front her therapist and placed her belongings beside her.

“Goodmorning Aziza, how are you feeling today?” Greeted Dr.Robinson, smiling warmly at her.

Dr.Robinson was a older black man in his mid to late 40s. He had waves with grey hairs and a full bearded face. His hazel eyes were slightly slanted upward and his lips were plump. He was mixed with black and asian. He was definitely a beautiful man. But Aziza knew better than to even think about pursuing him.

He knew too much about her. Stuff that she didn’t even know about herself yet.

“Grand rising, Dr. Robinson.” Aziza greeted smiling softly. “I’m feeling really good today actually, I’ve been meditating every morning, eating breakfast and writing my poetry so I’m getting better.”

“That’s great. I’m happy to hear that you’re progressing. I know that it’s been a very difficult time for you and you’re going through massive shifts within your life with this newly found out information. Have you been able to process it yet or have you just been putting it on the back burner?” He went right in for the kill.

He knew her too well and they had only known each other for a total of a month and a half.

“I’ve been trying not to think about it.” She admitted truthfully.

“Does that stop it from hurting? Because you know, like I know that keeping it in is only going to harm you more than letting it out.”

“I’m aware.” Aziza looked down at her fingers. She was grateful to have a therapist like Dr.Robinson. He was kind of cut throat but not in a pushy way. It was an encouraging way. The type that she needed if she wanted to heal properly.

“Ok so let’s lay it all out on the table today. In order for you to heal and move on from it, it has to be let out.”

Closing her eyes, Aziza took a deep breath of 7 seconds, holding it for 3 and exhaling it for 4. She opened her eyes and began to speak.

3 MONTHS PRIOR

Picking up her phone she send him a quick text that read “I thought you were coming over tonight?” She placed her phone down and began to pace her floor, biting her nails.

It was 11pm going on 12am and Eamon had yet to send a knock on her door. They had planned to spend the night together and do some healing work and hang out.

They usually would smoke, eat, watch a movie and sometimes have sex before Aziza would fall asleep on him and leave him up for the night. It was rude but it was normal. It was their norm. But tonight she had inquired about doing something different.

She was trying her best to help Eamon with his healing but it felt like he was resisting it. He had vented to her a lot about his father and how he treated him.

She was always there to listen to him when he needed her and he was always appreciative of her support. Eamon just had a hard time accepting the love that Aziza gave to him. He wasn’t use to it so in exchange he pulled away and sometimes went ghost on her.

Like he was doing tonight.

This wasn’t his first time ghosting her and leaving her waiting for him. It was a constant thing with him and she was beginning to grow agitated with him and his hot and cold nature.

He would plan something with her, be texting her all day and then fall of the face of the earth later in the night. Only to text her in the early afternoon the next day like nothing happened.

Aziza was tired.

Deciding that she was gonna get some sleep because she had found herself waiting up for him once again, she couldn’t help the tears that slid down her face as she looked at the wall.

Why is he acting like this? What am I doing wrong? Am I asking for too much?

Aziza and Eamon weren’t dating exclusively but they had deep feelings for each other. They had started as friends with benefits but had grew a strong connection over time. They weren’t in a relationship because whenever Aziza would inquire about it he would claim that he ‘wasn’t ready’.

After ending a 4 year relationship with her high school sweetheart, Aziza wasn’t looking for another relationship but she did miss receiving physical affection so when her and Eamon crossed paths it was an undeniable connection between the two that she couldn’t explain.

She was ok with having sex, watching movies, and cuddling with no title. She enjoyed it but she also knew how her heart worked and before she knew it, she had fell in too deep with him.

He seemed to have felt the same way for her....sometimes. Whenever he wasn’t being cold and distant with her. When he wasn’t being that way he made her feel like she was the only girl in the world.

Complimenting her, holding her tightly as they slept, asking her about her day, checking on her throughout the day; it was like he was a whole other person.

Waking up the next morning, Aziza checked her phone for the time. 11:17 am. She checked through her notifications. Still no sign of Eamon. He was a late sleeper but he should be up by this time.

Aziza went to do her morning routine, washing her face, brushing her teeth, watering her plants, writing a poem and making her bed.

Going to her balcony, she had decided to roll her a blunt and try to forget about the disappointment. To say she was hurt was an understatement and as soon as Eamon messaged her, she was gonna give him a piece of her mind.

After smoking half of her blunt, she enjoyed her high as she walked around her apartment with the biggest smile on her face, thinking about what she wanted to eat. She had the munchies.

She loved eating while high. Everything tasted so good.

While contemplating on her high meal, her Kim possible text tone went off, on the counter. Grabbing her phone, she quickly unlocked it, seeing his name as a notification.

She couldn’t wait to go off on him.

Eamon: Goodmorning beautiful. 12:07pm.

Rolling her eyes, she allowed her thumbs to beat across the screen quickly as she responded back.

It’s afternoon.... Where you been? 12:08pm.

The 3 dots appeared in the text thread quickly as he texted back. Her text tone went off once more.

Eamon: My bad, I fell sleep.

Aziza shook her head at the lie. They had been texting all day the day before until 9 at night. She knew he wasn’t sleep from 9 at night to 12 in the afternoon. She wasn’t a dummy.

Oh you was sleep for 14 hours? Be fucking forreal Eamon. Just keep it real with me, I tell you all the time that telling the truth is free. You don’t have to lie to me.

Eamon: damn, I can’t go to sleep?

Frustrated, Aziza put her phone back on the counter and continued to make her meal. He wasn’t about to ruin her high with his gaslighting antics.

After eating and cleaning her house, Aziza laid on her couch scrolling through her Facebook when a friend request popped up on her phone. Clicking on the profile picture, her gut began to turn. She didn’t know the girl at all, she had never seen her a day in her life but it had to be something about the girl.

Out of nowhere, she heard in her head. Eamon.

Deciding to lurk on the girl’s page, she noticed that the girl was from her city but attended the same college as Eamon and Aziza had. She was in a lower class than the two, though. It wasn’t a coincidence. Nothing was.

Going to her text thread, she decided to ask him about her. She knew that that was kind of crazy to just be asking him about a random girl from their school but the twisting in her gut was telling her to ask him. So she did.

Who’s Chantel? 4:13 pm.

The three dots immediately popped up.

Eamon: Somebody I used to talk to but I don’t no more. Why? 4:13pm.

A voice popped into Aziza’s head again, as she read that. A lie.

Oh, why you stopped talking to her? 4:15pm.

Eamon: it just didn’t work out. We had a falling out. You still ain’t answer the why? 4:16pm.

She sent me a friend request and I had a gut feeling that she was linked to you in some type of way so I asked to keep any confusion down. 4:18pm.

Eamon: oh alright, she’s irrelevant. 4:18pm.

Y’all fell out but y’all still friends on social media? 4:19pm.

Aziza’s spidey senses began to go off. Something wasn’t right and she felt it in the pit of her stomach. Something was off.

Eamon: yeah. wyd? 4:22pm.

Aziza decided to let it go. She knew that it was only a matter of time before what she needed to know would come to her. She just didn’t know when.

After deciding to decline the friend request and block the girl, she decided to get some clarity. Picking herself off the couch she went into her bedroom, opening her nightstand drawer. Pulling out her tarot card deck, she grab her sage and begin to start her divination.

Aziza was very spiritual. It took her a while to really tap into her spiritual abilities and she was still learning more and more every day. She didn’t dabble in dark magic but she did believe in the magic of manifestation, divination and the power of tarot cards.

Not everybody could read tarot cards but for some reason, it was something that came naturally for her. The voice in her head, told her everything that she needed to know whenever she needed clarity on things. Sometimes she found herself disregarding it and continued with whatever she had sought out clarity for.

It was a bad habit, to say the least, she knew better but she didn’t really KNOW better.

Sitting down with her legs crossed under her, she cleansed her tarot cards and rotated the sage around the deck counter clockwise.

“Spirit guides, angels, and ancestors of the white light I call on ya’ll at this time, to protect me from any energy that does not belong to me and to allow me to receive clarity on this situation with Eamon. Thank you.”

Shuffling the cards. It took no time for the cards to fly out.

3 of swords --- 7 of swords --- 3 of cups.

Aziza’s heart sank looking at the heart with the three swords lodged into it. Heartbreak. The 7 of swords signifying sneaky/deceptive energy and the 3 of cups reversed. Third party/cheating.

He was involved with her.

Aziza couldn’t believe that he had fed her bullshit about wanting to take things slow and how he didn’t want her dealing with anyone else when he was dealing with somebody else the entire time. He was a good liar but she had continuously gave him the benefit of the doubt, not wanting her trust issues to mess up their connection. Little did she know, that wasn’t her trust issues telling her that.

It was her intuition.

PRESENT TIME

Sniffling, Aziza dabbed under her eyes to keep the tears from flowing as she retold the story of how she found out somebody that she loved had been feeding her lies about getting together and had a girlfriend the entire time they were fooling around.

She could admit, she was ashamed. Ashamed of being a side chick. How could she allow herself to ignore the signs. They were right in front of her the entire time but yet she allowed him to play in her face, play with her heart and feed her lies. Manipulating and misusing the love that he knew she had for him to his advantage.

Whenever she would bring up his wrong doings or gut feelings, he made her feel crazy. Like she didn’t know what she was talking about. He played victim. He victimized himself to get what he wanted and Aziza allowed it because she really cared for him.

She cared for his heart, she cared for his mental health, she cared for his stability. She just wanted him to be happy but it was like her life started to crumble apart after receiving clarity. It didn’t make it any better that after that, they had not texted each other.

Her ghosting him and him ghosting her back. Aziza usually would be the one to reach out by now and Eamon knew that. He was use to her chasing him but Aziza was done. She was past done. She knew that she deserved better.

She had spent too many nights crying over his distant behaviors. Too many days questioning herself. It was time for her to find her self worth and pour that same love that she poured into him and everyone else, into herself.

She wasn’t aware of the fact that she was holding onto something that wasn’t for her. She wasn’t aware that the things that are for her would never miss her and because she fought for something that wasn’t meant for her. A tower occurred. Knocking her life upside down and forcing her to let go and rebuild her entire foundation of what she thought love was.

This was apart of her journey....

The journey to finding Eternal Love.