Unuttered Vows

At last, the most important day of Lady Aveline’ life has arrived. A chance to change her life forever! Enchanted, she walked down the flowered and lit avenue. Ahead of her, the palace was alive with the sounds of violins and laughter. Her heart pounded as she climbed the stairs, her excitement reflected in her tender smile and sparkling blue eyes. She heard her name being called, and the ball came to a halt anticipating her entrance. Everyone in the room was taken aback by the refined grace and finesse of Lady Aveline Acton. Duke Anton Hale stood watching her, dumbfounded. He had not expected to see the awkward girl who had sometimes been a guest at his parents’ home to blossom into a perfect lady. Their eyes met and remained locked for a few seconds, igniting a spark between them that had never been felt before. As though magnetized, they both walk towards each other. Surrounded by other people, they find themselves in the middle of the ballroom, feeling alone.

“ Lady Acton, you’re looking splendid tonight. Would you do me the honour of giving me this waltz?”

“ I shall be delighted to do so, Your Grace.”

He held out his hand. She felt electricity run through her body through the fabric of her glove as her fingers touched his hands. The waltz begins. He leads her across the room, floating with each beat. For the first time, he was so close that she could see the blue shades in his pale grey eyes, the golden hues in his dark blond curls. His masculine figure resembled the angels in the church windows. She owed him her gaze, ashamed of her improper behaviour.

" You have deprived me of something dear, Lady Acton.”

“Of what am I depriving you, Your Grace?”

“Of the night.”

“I do not understand what you are saying, Your Grace.”

“Of the deep azure of the night that is hidden in your eyes.”

She lost her breath. Her heart pounded. She looked around to see if others noticed her state of agitation.

“Do not avert your eyes. They are dear to me, Lady Acton.”

She didn’t notice when the music stopped. Nor did she notice that she was walking with him to the terrace. There they stood gazing at each other for eternal seconds, under the moonlight and the furtive gaze of the stars. Until he broke the peaceful silence that had enveloped them both.

“Lady Acton, I do not think it rash to speak what my heart intends, considering the circumstances of our acquaintance. I do not hesitate to admit that I am forever captivated by your figure. If I am the object of your sincere affection, as you are for me. And if you felt that unique spark that binds everlasting lovers. I shall ask you to go through life by my side, to be the second part of me, to be my one and only companion. Lady Acton, will you marry me?”

Dumbfounded, she found herself at a loss for words. Her ears doubted the sweetness of his speech, and her heart pounded with joy as tears filled her eyes. The only thing she was able to say with a weak voice was...

“Yes I do, Your Grace”.

He smiled and looked into her eyes with intense affection. His hands touched hers and his warmth calmed her. His lips touched her lips in a soft and tender kiss…

“You shall not be supposed to write this, Evelyn Bancroft! That line is too passionate, too frank for a Lady ears. Write something a little more subtle…” I muttered to myself as I scribbled down the last line of my story.

His lips touched her forehead in a soft and tender kiss…

“Hmm, maybe this is a more appropriate line to use. However, should a gentleman kiss a lady after a marriage proposal or only on the day of the wedding?”

“Lady Evelyn Bancroft, I refuse to believe that sinfully passionate matters like furtive kisses in the moonlight are the subject of your reflections!”

Miss Payne says exasperatedly, breaking the flow of my thoughts. Her hazel green eyes were puzzled and her modest, stiff figure flushed. I was unresponsive at the moment. I was caught in the act and had no way of defending myself. She took a deep breath. I knew she was counting to ten. She always did that when she needed to measure what she wanted to say. Her indolent heart was her greatest weakness. But for me, it was her greatest virtue. There was no doubt in my mind that she was the best governess a debutante could wish for. Any naughty child would be disarmed by her gentle, courteous, unselfish and fair nature. No wonder I felt uneasy whenever I disappointed her. The dismay imprinted in her gaze hurt me more than any flogging I had ever received from the hand of God.

“Forgive me, Miss Payne. I got carried away with my imagination and desperation! You know very well that my first ball is approaching and I am very nervous. ”

“I quite understand, Lady Evelyn. However, you must remember that a Lady is made to observe the sacred conventions of marriage, not to engage in amorous adventures. To indulge in such wild romanticism could ruin you.”

Her eyes reflected sincere concern as she gently rebuked me. As she spoke hard truths, her warm, soft hands held mine.

" It is my duty to inform you that you have obligations to your family and social status. It is your duty to be an obedient, graceful, and courteous young lady. It is your duty to find an appropriate match in your first season, as your mother and sister have done. I understand that my words are too harsh. But after today you will be considered a woman of marriageable age.”

My hands sweat. A sickening sensation rises in my throat. My glasses became blurred - this position was too hard and too frightening. What if I fail? What if I became a source of shame and laughter? Would I survive such humiliation? I was not oblivious to the inferiority of my physical appearance.

“I do not believe that I am at the same level as my mother and sister, Miss Payne. Despite my best efforts, I am always a step behind them. I do not have their slender bodies, nor do I speak as articulately or dance as gracefully. I have a plain copper-brown mane, not their luscious auburn wavy hair. I cannot even ride a horse without wearing my glasses, let alone paint watercolours and play the piano like the two of them. I am a shy person, and I like the idea of being surrounded by books and papers rather than by people and music. I don’t know how I am going to succeed in this complicated task. I’m afraid that I might spoil my only chance!”

“You are not faultless. But, as you may know, no one is blessed with divine perfection. We all have our faults and our virtues. And you are a beautiful young woman, full of many qualities. Few girls work as hard to overcome their faults as you do. Lady Evelyn, as much as it hurts to fail, it is your resilience that will pave the way for your success.”

Her words calmed my troubled mind and brought me a small measure of relief. My breathing was easy, but my head was still a bit throbbing from the night’s sleeplessness. Everything is going to end well, I lied to myself.

“Now it’s time to wash your face with fresh water and use a face mask to soothe your dark circles.”

She dried a tear from my cheek with her thumb as she spoke. With a puzzled look on her face, she interrupted the caress. She looked down at her hand. In a moment of realisation, she examined my hands with an annoyed expression. It took me a while to realize what had happened. My face went pale as she held my left hand in front of me. My hand was covered in ink.

“I see you still cannot resist your inappropriate inclinations, Lady Evelyn. Even today, you couldn’t control yourself! Novel-writing cannot be a lady’s occupation. I have no idea what your mother’s reaction would be if she found out you were writing stories and poems! Even more writing with your left hand!”

“But Miss Payne, there’s no flow to my ideas when I’m writing with my right hand. I apologise for being so sloppy!”

“It can be very dangerous for a lady of your position to take such romantic liberties and daydream. For every adventure and obsession, Lady Evelyn, there is always a high price to pay. ”

She sighed. She dipped the flannel into the porcelain basin and ran it over my face and hands.

“Perhaps the less we talk about this subject, the better it will be, Lady Evelyn. You know I must not be drawn into your petty transgressions. Besides, I came to tell you that your mother asks for your presence in the dining room for the breakfast.”

“But I prefer to take breakfast in my chambers, as usual.”

“She insists on it, Lady Evelyn. Your sister is visiting today.”

I roll my eyes. I curse all the saints, cherubs and seraphim for turning their backs on me. My life couldn’t get any worse than this. As if the fear of failure in front of the royal family wasn’t enough, I now have endless minutes with the most unpleasant person in London! She will be my downfall today!

“But Emmy never has any desire for my company when she is in London, and neither does my mother!”

Miss Payne ignores my complaint. She just looks at my left hand and sighs.

“I am unable to remove the remains of the paint between your fingernails, Lady Evelyn. In the dining room, I suggest you be discreet.”

“Thank you, Miss Payne.”

“Daisy will be here in a moment to help you get dressed. I’ll take my leave now.”

Miss Payne left me alone in the chamber. I examine my hand. There are still traces of the black ink. I rubbed at it until my fingers began to turn red. But the traces are still there, visible to the careful eye. What should I do? How can I hide them? With gloves? No, the first thing they will do is ask me to take off my gloves. My hand will be in evidence. I move from one side to the other. My head throbs more and more. Daisy will soon be coming into my chambers to get me ready. I realised that I had forgotten the papers that were scattered on my small table. How can I not remember it? I hastily tidied them up. Some ink had not dried, so they were stuck together. I hid them in the last drawer of my dresser. Daisy knocked on the door and then came in.

“Good morning, my lady. I apologise for the slight delay.”

“Good morning Daisy. Mama has requested my presence at breakfast. I shall wear the lavender dress.”

“I beg your pardon, My Lady, but the lavender dress is very long-sleeved for the season.”

“It is a special occasion, Daisy. I want to wear my best gown.”

“Yes, my lady. I will do as you ask”.

After some minutes, she starts to talk again. “Our Lady asked me to take some soup to Lord Frederick in his room before I came to help you.”

“Is my brother ill by any chance?”

“By no means, My Lady, it was the brandy that was responsible for the Lord’s condition. He seems to be the mysterious person who was vomiting in the garden.”

“And how did you come to make that assumption, Daisy?”

“Her Ladyship always orders the butler to leave a tray of food for him in the evening if he doesn’t come for dinner. Then he arrives at dawn, the tray is empty and there is puke in the garden. It can only be him!”

“Indeed, you’re pretty smart, Daisy.”

Daisy is a flower in name only. She’s more like a carnivorous plant that will gobble up any crumb that my mother offers her. As a precaution, I don’t talk to her very often. Her prying eyes and gossipy tongue make me uncomfortable. I just listen. I answer as little as possible. I believe I can create a character with her, a villain perhaps? No, the main villain of my story and of my mediocre life will be arriving in a few hours’ time. My concerns vanish as Daisy pulls the bandage tighter, squeezing my breasts to the point of discomfort. I didn’t moan. I waited for her to measure me with the tape measure. Then the corset follows, squeezing my ribs and waist and causing me extreme pain. She fastens the corset and starts measuring.

“18 inches, my lady, still not up to standard.”

“Tighten it a bit more, Daisy, lose at least an inch.”

She tightens more. I grit my teeth to bear the pain.

“Seventeen inches, my lady.”

The ladies of Atherton are held to a strict aesthetic standard. More rigorous than the standards of beauty that haunt every woman in the world. That's why the Ladies of our family are considered models of elegance and refinement. Something I can never achieve, I’m always an inch over my desired size. Apart from my brown hair, which is almost auburn in colour. Almost is a word which haunts me.

Daisy starts removing the papillots from my hair and a cascade of curls falls. I know they will soon fall apart. All my efforts to shape my stubbornly straight hair are in vain.

“ I’m finished, my lady.”

“Thank you, Daisy.”

“You’ve made an excellent choice. This dress does indeed enhance your beauty, milady.”

I’m in disbelief at her compliments. Daisy has a tendency to be deceptive and flattering.

I hate the way I look in the mirror. There is no feminine charm in the image I see. I hate curls of hair that have been forcibly shaped to adorn my face, and make me look like a cheeky child’s doll. I hate the bust, I hate the hips, I hate the arms, I hate the waist. I hate the stout and shapeless reflection of myself. There is not a single thing in this image that I don’t hate. I want to break the mirror so that this image will disappear completely from my mind. So, I can forget that I don’t meet the standards of a noble lady. I hate myself for it. So do the people waiting for me in the dining room.