Decisions

The further he drove the quietter the car got. The bad type of quiet. The night before we were screaming at each other again and I was convinced that he was just taking me somewhere far so he wouldnt have to mind how loud both of us screams and the big plus would be not having the cops called on us. Still, I was going insane little by little.

The problems were just building up and my fear was that we might have reached a breaking point with no turning back. I had no idea what could possibly be going through his mind and I was exhausted from trying to figure it out. No hints, tips, tells. Nothing. His face was impartial and the main question for me now was 'does this even matter?' ' is this still worth it?'

Finally, after a long time he stopped at a drive away, in a random house, got out of the car and walked straight to the porch. I was still sitting down just thinking to myself 'What the fuck is he doing?'. When I realized he was waiting for me, so I moved my butt out of the seat and slowly walked towards him.

-Now we can actually talk without any interruptions. — he said and I could hear him trying his best to speak without any emotion.

-I don't think "interruptions" are the biggest problem here.

-Can you, please, tell me what you think our biggest problem is?

-Jake, you don’t listen to me. Every day you just don’t hear. -I took a minute. I was just so tired… I felt drained having to say the same thing over and over again. As I was leaning on the frame of the entrance i said —I’m tired.

He nodded while he looked at his feet. He took a deep breath, opened the door and said:

-Come inside, you’ll be able to rest a bit.

-It’s not what I mean…

-I know that! -noticing he said it a bit louder than he should’ve, cleared his throat and tried again. —I know that. I’m just a little nervous, I’m sorry.

'Nervous?' The air sunk in my lungs and suddenly the air was too cold. The intruding thought simply came and I couldn’t help but to realize “he’s brought me here to break up with me”. The knot on my throat was getting thicker and I was going to try my best to not cry.

As I walked in I noticed it was a beautiful house. It had so much light inside, an open kitchen, the furniture was simple but it looked so comfortable, I had the strange feeling that I’ve seen it somewhere but just couldn’t point my finger to where. Maybe in a rental site, maybe a picture somewhere. As I sat in the couch he went to the fridge with a clear sense of familiarity and comfort and the words came out of my mouth before I could even think about it:

-Have you been here before?

-Yes. -he answered even faster.

-With who?

-Hum, technically by myself.

'Technically?! What the fuck! Is that his away to admit he cheated on me?' The whole thing felt like it was getting worse by the minute. Although a million thoughts were going through my head, I wanted to choose my words carefully.

-Jake, I’m so done with this bullshit. Just please stop with the mystery and get this over with. If you came here to break up with me its a complete waste of my time and you could’ve just done it back at my apartment where it would be easy to cry and try to hold on to the piece of dignity I have left.

He came back with a bottle of water and put it in the little center table in front of me as he sat down next to me but keeping an off distance. 'Great, water. With a box of tissues should be a great environment to cry in complete humiliation'. He ran his fingers through his hair and his hands were impatient and i think he was tying to distract himself by picking on his nail a bit.

-Jess, I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry im not the best at dealing with the unknown and i am aware that I put a lot on your plate . The way I’m stubborn. I get that I sound like a cave man sometimes, and I choke on my own thoughts and words are just complicated for me.

I couldn’t help the tear that came down my cheek. I was lucky I managed to just be one in the opposite side he was from, so maybe he wouldn’t even notice. He continued:

-I know you love me. I really do. Every time you wait for me to come back from work even tho you’re also tired, every time we are watching a movie and I fall asleep, yet when I wake up you just fill me in on what I’ve lost so I can understand the end and talk about it later with you. I love that even when I let go of you hand, you manage to grab it again letting me know you’re still there. You’re the first person I wanna call when something happens and the last thing I wanna see before I close my eyes at night.

If this was his way of breaking up, he completely sucked! This is torture and the worst kind. My heart was racing and my head was pounding just like if it threw myself against a wall. He moved closer and held my hand, I tried to let go but he just held on tighter.

-This has been the craziest year of my life, and I never felt so close of loosing you. That is why I brought you here today. I could say something nice, read you poetry that some dead guy wrote but I wanna prove that i knew all along it was you. I love you like I’ve never had anybody else and I’ve always wanted to give you the world but all I could do was this. I could give you a ring and ask you to marry me but it wouldn’t do justice on the time I have been loving you and you didn’t even know.

'Ring?' Once he said that i turned my face to him to see if he was serious. He took it as encouragement and kept talking.

-On our second date you told me ou had a dream house, a complete different one you had growing up. Where it felt light and it made you feel like you could almost see the oxygen inside. Where you could breath safely. That day I bought this house and build it with everything you could tell me about it. I know I’m stupid when it comes to this stuff but I tried my best to picture what you said to every detail, and over time I am proud of what it became if this is my only shot of convincing you that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I rather be fighting with you everyday about the hair you leave behind and have you right next to me than to not fight with anybody else.

My eyes finally opened and I could actually see it! That’s where I’ve seen it before, it was in my dreams for years. The counter, the couch, even the goddamn steps in the front. The color on the walls was happy and the natural light was spread through all the place, broad and big windows would let me see the nature outside and I could actually hear water running outside but not that far.

I jumped on top of him and started kissing him. He held me so tight I could feel my lungs being slightly squished. He was sweating a little bit but I didn’t mind. If anything only made him smell better and stronger while I pressed his body against the couch. I could stop my lips from kissing him, feeling his touch, having him near. The fear that everything was hanging by a thread was gone and all i could see was the image of the rest of our lives together.