Day One
This is shitty...this is really shitty...
I haven't done anything, this whole day. I also don't want to do anything. I don't know how to explain it.
I'd rather do something, yet I'd rather do nothing. It's annoying...I'm annoying.
I sat at my desk, after I had that conversation with that somebody. I thought we'd think the same, but we don't. I'm always interrupted by your need to tell me that, everything I try to touch, will be too difficult to even mention.
That's why I don't talk to you anymore. After several years, 《I lost count》I don't want to talk to you anymore. I need a break. There's always somebody there & so I sit here at my desk with little to no room between my bed & the wall. I do not talk, because you ruined it for me.
The light is too bright, I'd rather turn it off, but that's not for me to decide. I always have to be reminded that I'm not alone. I'm never alone & that makes me feel crowded. My mind feels crowded, there's too many thoughts. I can not not listen to myself, I have so much to tell & yet I stay silent.
I hate this room, because there's no room for me. I hate it here & back then I didn't know how much I'd hate to be alive. How can life be so dull, so full of nothing exciting?
People love to say that you have to work yourself to the top, but I don't want to work myself into a coffin, just so that I maybe can get a glimpse of success, but will probably never be able to touch it.
I try to not be so negative, but it's hard, because there's nothing positive. I'm not very optimistic, I'm realistic. What's there left to be, if your life is your reality?
Nobody can answer, e honestly. All I get is lies & fake promises, fairy tales, nothing I can really work with. Again I hate to be this way, but what can I do, when life rewards nothing that you do?
Life seemed never this dull. It seems to have gotten worse over the years. I can feel it in my body. I never felt this empty, if I would doe today...I wouldn't mind. I wasn't doing anything, so what is truly lost, if there was absolutely emptiness? I try to be positive, but look at the material...
The ones I should love the most, I truly do not like them at all. I wish to be carried away into an empty house & I'm the only one there. Just me & no one else, it was always a dream of mine...for years. I'm never alone wherever I go, only when I shower I can collect myself in peace, only some minor interruptions, but do you see? minor is better than major, always or forever. I truly do like showering the warm water on your skin running down, it's truly soothing, so relaxing, when you're naked, stripped from any restrains.
I don't talk a lot, but I do think. I wonder off, I'm never in one place. Sometimes I'm scared I might do something bad, I catch myself with a deep breath. None of the things that I think are real, it's only imagination with a touch of Halloween. I try to joke a lot. I don't take anything seriously, because at the end, I won't be happy either way. Why would I waste my energy on things that don't matter to me. I'm honest or at least I try to be. It's hard to say how you feel in this world, there's one & then there's the other thing.
It can get really dark at times, but that's only when I have too much time on my hands or when my emotions get the best of me. I don't want to turn into somebody, I don't want to hurt somebody, but I did. I can not go back to what I did wrong, but I can apologise. I do ot care about being forgiven, I care about owning up to what shouldn't have been. I knew that it was wrong, I knew that I wouldn't want to be treated that way & yet I spread what was given to me.
I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult, eventhough that doesn't mean very much from what I've seen & heard in this world. Bad role models everywhere, but blame it on the youth, they always do. We're wrong for making the same mistakes, we're wrong for trying to make our own decisions. Let us fall, everybody falls. Not ,any will make it up again, but that's life & if it'd we're that bad, why aren't the people responsible doing anything. They don't care, everybody thinks about themselves first...survival.
It is selfish, but again that's life & life isn't fair. My arm hurts always laying on one side. I lay there & I don't move, almost like I'm dead. I kind of like it, just laying there, staring at nothing in particular. I think everyday, what can I do? what shouldn't I say? It's very difficult for me, navigating through a world that wasn't build for me. I want to hide away, I want to disappear to somewhere only I know. I don't want to be found, I want to be safe & sound. I don't always do what's best for me.
I know what to do, yet I do everything I can to not make me feel well. I'm in hell everyday, I try to wait until that special day comes, but it seems so silently far away. I can't see & I don't hear from it. It's not there...I don't want to lose hope, I don't but it's hard when I don't know, what will happen next. No information, no messages. I just sit there & wait for things to happen & it kills me, is that healthy? I'm always so close to ending it all...30...is all that I'm going to say & if nothings happened by then...then oh well...you know the drill.
Sometimes, there's too much & then there's months where there's nothing on end. I feel nothing, that's how I feel. That is something set in stone for as long as I can think. It's sad when you think about it, but what can I do? That's what I always ask, what can I do? There's so many things that could help my remedy but I chose to be avoident & ignorant. I could change so much, if I'd only...excuses, excuses.
