No hope
Whitney
To this day I could never forget the suffocating feeling in my chest, the moist feeling in my eyes, and the heavy drop in my stomach. As her hair flowed in the tranquility of the water. I could no longer hear her heart’s melody or feel the warmth of her skin. The blue on her nails and lips, the darkness around her eyes, the foam falling from her lips, her pastel face, it all was afloat in the tub of water. The paper so neatly covered in graphite is now covered in a blanket of pills. Her head lay on my shoulder as the three digits chimed on my phone, everything was so faint. Her first steps were unexpected and so was her last breath. My sweet Kacey was gone, her death was left as a murder. All in the hands of the high school kids with hardened hearts, cruel words, and contagious melancholy. They took from Kacey, and now I will repeat the act on them.
Kacey
All five days out of the week were no longer full of education and motivation, but torment and fear. The sound of my alarm isn’t the same anymore, my energy distraught, and I was never looking forward to any of the days I had woken up to see Atlanta Springs High School. My clothes were slowly changing. Clothes of comfort and sag, the pants I wore would drag under my shoes, my shirts would be two sizes too big. I didn’t even care about my appearance when showing up to school. My effort to look right was gone. My hair was always in a messy bun, fairly similar to a bird’s nest. By day my walk even changed as I approached the school. All because of a particular group. When I would walk to school I’d walk very slowly, when I’d make it inside I’d go to the bathroom and hide in a stall. The disclosed area where I was alone was something I found comfort in. When the bell would ring I’d hide in the crowds of kids to get to my classes. My grades in each class slowly decreased, without care anymore I would just lay my head down and sleep. My chemistry teacher Mr.Carget started noticing my behavior and only tried motivating me to do better in class. He walked over to me and tapped me on my shoulder. I slowly raised my head and looked at him, there he held a paper and put it on my table with a face of concern and disappointment.
“You have multiple missing assignments Kacey, I need you to get your act up, what happened to you being at the top of the class? F’s don’t suit you” complained Mr. Carpet as he slid his finger down the starchy paper.
All I could do was stare blankly, he sighed and returned to his desk. I then rested my chin on my arms and spaced out looking at my desk. I thought about all my achievements in this classroom and how high my determination was. It was unpleasant to disappoint my teachers but I had no motivation to even wake up some mornings and show up. I turn to my bag and I grab a black sharpie, I then write “F stands for fatal” on the corner of the desk fairly small, my grades were at my worst and surely I was too. Every time the bell rang for dismissal I would worry and get anxious when passing through the halls. Sometimes going to the bathroom was risky enough, but I’d go anyway during passing periods. It was the best place for me to be alone. My thoughts were the deepest there, to stall time I’d play with strips of toilet paper and later flush them. A single strip would be me but the pieces being flushed away was my whole image. I’d watch them flush down so easily and oddly be fascinated. When I was about to exit the stall I heard a familiar voice that gave me a shock of trauma, I backed away and stood on the toilet seat, and crouched down. I looked through the cracks of the stall to see who had entered. It was Samantha, she was talking on the phone with someone. I could hear her giggling and laughing. Throughout the cracks, she was fixing her makeup and checking her nails. Suddenly Elodie entered the bathroom too, Samantha quickly hung up the phone and went up to Elodie.
“Look I broke my nail yesterday” Samantha laughed
“Really? You hit her that hard?” questioned Elodie
It clicked to me exactly what they were talking about. The day before I got into a fight with Samantha, she had the support of Couser to hold me back. I was so vulnerable that day. Elodie was involved and joined Samantha in beating me to the floor. As I stood in the stall I began to tear up as they spoke
“Duh, I had to put her in her place and the pathetic girl she is,” said, Samantha
“She looked so worthless squirming on the ground” Elodie laughed
Sometimes I’d wonder what it was about me that made people so cruel and unfair. A place I wish I could escape so easily, the faces of those who threw words like hammers and scarred me with their repetition. I never thought I’d be scared to go to school. The atmosphere was heavier than before. Sticks and bones didn’t break my bones but words surely did. Words like “worthless” and “pathetic” that fell from their mouths were words I allowed to identify me. As they talked Elodie suddenly brought out a small pipe and handed it to Samantha. A foul smell of smoke hit the bathroom and I held in my cough, suddenly I lost my balance on the toilet and slipped my foot into the water making a loud splash noise. I froze and I looked through the creeks to see both Elodie and Samantha eyeballing the stall door. I backed away and I began breathing heavily. Samantha smiled and walked up to the stall and looked straight through the creek and gasped once we made eye contact.
“Is this your little hiding spot Stacey? I was looking for you this morning. The guys and I have a treat for you.” She paused and kicked the stall, startling me. “Don’t worry I have a special treat of my own just for you now that you’re here.”
She backed away from the stall and started grabbing multiple paper towels. I heard what sounded like an ignition from a lighter. I kept my distance but couldn’t see much through the cracks. Suddenly from above me, I saw Elodie’s hand within it was a lit stack of paper towels. The flames grew big on the paper towels and she flung them around over me, they flew separately in different directions, I covered my head and they began to glide down to me. I could feel the heat of the flames getting near me. In a panic, I began throwing and swinging my arms and hands all over the stall trying to get the lit paper towels away from me. Instead of my small cries I mostly heard them laughing both outside the stall, it was almost as if I’d rather burn to death than get beat up again. That’s how afraid I was, afraid enough to not leave the stall. As the paper towels hit the ground I stomped on them to put the flames out. Elodie and Samantha exited the bathroom and once they did I ran out and looked in the mirror to check if I was okay. At this moment in time, I looked at my reflection and slowly began to cry. I fell to my knees and I curled up into a ball. I thought about the motherly love I used to receive from my mother, it made me hug myself and cry into my lap.
