Dead Eyes || Sope

A/N: This oneshot contains mature themes. It explores suicidal themes, self-harm, and attempts. Please don’t read if this may be triggering to you. I have plenty of other stories you can read instead. You need to look after yourself first and foremost. In saying this, I tried to not be too descriptive to avoid possible triggers, but regardless the content may and will be confronting. And please, if you need help, reach out to those around you or to a professional.

Please Note that I had to make multiple chapters because Inkitt does not support long chapters. All other platforms this story has been published on it was posted as one full chapter.

Jung Hoseok was always known to be the main person who could cheer anyone up within the group. He’s seen the comments about him being the human battery, always able to recharge the other members when they felt low. He’s seen the comments calling him the sunshine of Bangtan, always bringing an energetic and happier aura to the group. No matter what’s going on he could easily make any of the boys smile. So why does it feel like he’s a failure? Like he isn’t worthy of all of these labels?

The answer was simple. These days he couldn’t get any of those reactions out of Min Yoongi. Hoseok doesn’t quite remember when it all started, but he had noticed a very subtle, slow, concerning, change in the other. Long gone are the days he used to see that gummy smile. As are the days he could see the blinding passion twinkling in those beautiful eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Yoongi laugh, or chuckle, not even a huff of amusement.

Now the only reaction he could get out of Yoongi was the briefest harrowing gaze. His heart shattered into a million pieces the second he would lock eyes with him. He hated that the only thing he could see in his eyes these days was a dead, emotionless, empty look. It tore him to shreds to see his bandmate suffering. All Hoseok wanted to do was embrace him and find out what was wrong. Perhaps if he knew the problem, then he could help find a solution.

But that was exactly what was wrong; he didn’t know the problem. Any time he had approached Yoongi to find out what was wrong, he would be met with the same response. Every. Single. Time. ‘I’m fine’ he would whisper, sometimes mutter, other times shout. And everyone knows that’s code for ‘I’m not alright, please save me’. So like any reasonable person, he offered him a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to talk to. But it would always be dismissed immediately.

There was no point in forcing Yoongi to talk. Clearly he either didn’t want to or he wasn’t ready to. Hoseok didn’t want to potentially push him further away by crossing a line of privacy. That didn’t mean that it didn’t drive him insane. In fact, it drove Hoseok so insane to the point he would almost yell back at him. He wanted to yell at him that he’s not fine. He wanted to scream at him that he fucking cared. He wanted to shout at him that it hurt him that he was hurt. But he never did.

The next part was always what hurt the most. Hoseok simply took a deep breath and walked away. Yoongi wasn’t ready to talk, so he would give him space and try again another day. And each time he would go to leave, Hoseok could almost see the small glimmer of hope die in those brown eyes. It got to the point he could no longer see it whenever he approached him. That day when he couldn’t see any more hope left, was the day the dead eyes had appeared. It was the day that Hoseok grew even more concerned about Yoongi.

But how does one help someone not ready for help? Because Hoseok knew how little privacy they had sharing a living space with six other men they also happened to work with. He didn’t want to cross the boundary. He didn’t want to dip his toes into something that may be completely personal. Yet, at the same time, he couldn’t stand back and watch his best friend of twelve years destroy himself in silence. He was at an utter loss at what to do.

“Hoseok?” a voice snapped Hoseok out of his thoughts. “Hoseok, have you paid attention to anything that I’ve said?”

With a small shake of his head, Hoseok looked over to Namjoon who sat on the other side of the conference table, not directly in front of him, but one seat down. His sheepish eyes glanced around the table to see all the attention had been focused on him. And there it was again; those brown eyes. His heart pounded in his chest, not from being the center of attention, but from the emotionless eyes that refused to look in his direction. Hoseok gulped and shook his head once more in hopes to clear his mind for the rest of the meeting.

“I’m so sorry, Namjoon. Please forgive me. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately,” said Hoseok as he forced himself to look at the leader.

“We all have a lot going on. But that’s not an excuse when we are in the middle of a meeting. I mean it, Hoseok. This is important. I need you to pay attention,” Namjoon’s tone left no room for argument.

Hoseok nodded his head once before the meeting resumed. Admittedly, he did not listen to a single word anyone said despite being told to pay attention. Right in front of him was the cause of his troubled mind. He just couldn’t help it. Not when he was being haunted by the reminder that something was extremely wrong with Yoongi. The other sat directly across from him, yet, their eyes never crossed paths. By the end of the meeting, he concluded it was most definitely on purpose, as he saw Yoongi hold eye contact perfectly fine with all of the other members.

But before he could get a chance to delve too deep into it, a hand was placed on his shoulder that startled him out of his thoughts. He looked around to see that everyone else had packed up their notepads, pens, and water bottles. Hoseok turned his questioning gaze towards Namjoon. The other didn’t say a word as he pushed his shoulder gently as a silent command to remain seated. When the others asked if they were coming, the leader simply dismissed them with a flick of his wrist and said they would catch up.

The silence that had exploded in the conference room once the rest of the group had left was palpable. It was the type that felt suffocating. Hoseok felt like a small child being called into the principal’s office, about to be reprimanded. His shimmering eyes watched Namjoon walk back around the desk to his chair. And he wondered to himself if he was really in that much trouble that he needed to be separated from the group. He had more important things to be doing than to be lectured right then. Like attempting to crack through Yoongi’s walls.

“What had you so distracted today, Hoseok-ah?” Namjoon asked as he leant back in his chair with a small sigh. “You normally can put anything aside to focus on work.”

“Not this, Joon. Not this time. It’s consuming me daily. It’s almost all of my waking thoughts. And it’s only getting worse the more I see it. And I feel stuck. Powerless. I can’t fix it,” Hoseok said while he played with his hands in his lap.

“Is it something that I can help with? Or something you need to figure out on your own?” he asked, not used to the vague response from Hoseok. Usually he would be straight to the point.

Those were some excellent questions. Hoseok knew the obvious answer, he shouldn’t be the only one trying to help Yoongi. And just as he opened his mouth to answer, that’s when it occurred to him that Yoongi hadn’t been asked to stay back. Despite the fact, he too, had been staring off into space and hadn’t uttered a single word. Had none of them truly looked at his eyes? Had none of them noticed the shift in attitude? Had he been the only one to realise something was wrong? Why was he there instead of the one that actually needed help?

“I’m worried about Yoongi,” blurted out Hoseok, tears already brimming his vision as he desperately looked up to his leader.

“What? Why?” Namjoon asked as he sat up straighter, taken aback by the outburst. “Has he said something to you?”

And that confirmed his suspicions. He refused to believe that their observant, thoughtful leader had overlooked one of their members. But there it was. Namjoon was completely oblivious to the desolation of Yoongi. The absolute annihilation of any emotions until he was nothing but a shell of a broken man. They lived with each other, worked with each other, and yet Hoseok seemed to be the first to notice something amiss and bring it to his attention.

“He hasn’t said anything. And that’s the thing. He keeps saying he’s fine, but I can tell he isn’t. Don’t you see it? Yoongi hasn’t been acting like his usual self for a while. Something’s wrong,” he said with a quiver in his voice.

“Hyung, calm down. I’m sure everything is okay with Yoongi. He’s been working really hard lately. He’s probably just exhausted and overworked himself like usual,” he tried to soothe the visibly upset male.

“No Namjoon,” said Hoseok as his tears fell down his face and his voice broke from the pure emotions he had been holding in for so long. “No. There’s no emotion. There’s no passion. There’s no pain. Just dead eyes, Joonie. It’s like I’ve slowly watched him lose the will to live over the last few months.”

“Hoseok, that’s a pretty heavy assumption. I’m sure if it was truly more serious than just being overworked, more of us would have noticed by now,” Namjoon said as he got up and quickly made his way to crouch in front of the distressed individual.

But they hadn’t. None of them had noticed for months. Months. It had been months of Hoseok observing Yoongi from the other side of the room. Months of watching his close friend slip through his fingers. Months of slowly being shut out. Seriously, how had none of the others noticed? Surely they didn’t all believe that the unusual quietness was due to being overworked. They had lived together for so long, knew each other like the back of their hands, knew the telltale signs when something was wrong. But he was baffled how the rest of them were mistaking this for something harmless.

“Hey, breathe. Hoseok breathe for me,” soothed Namjoon, realisation in his soft eyes, as he began to rub Hoseok’s thighs in slow strokes. “If you are truly that worried about Yoongi, I can talk to him when we get back to the dorm.”

“P-Please,” he all but practically begged, using the sleeve of his hoodie to wipe away his tears. “He won’t talk to me.”

“That isn’t like him,” nodded Namjoon, his mouth formed a worried line.

“Namjoon, I-I can’t,” whispered Hoseok as he let out a deep breath. “I just can’t.”

Can’t breathe properly. Can’t think straight. Can’t see anymore of it. Hoseok was being eaten alive with worry. And now Namjoon could see it clear as day. As he thought back on things, he could see that Yoongi had been uncharacteristically quiet. But he wasn’t the only one. Hoseok had changed too. He hadn’t been smiling as much, caught up in his thoughts. His worry for Yoongi had been weighing on him so much, it was consuming his every waking thought, like he had mentioned earlier. How long had Hoseok been shouldering his concerns by himself?

“Breathe, Seokie-ah. Let’s call it an early day so we can all get some rest, okay? How do movies and cuddles sound? Hmm?” Namjoon asked as he reached up and carded his right hand through Hoseok’s soft hair.

“Can we?” asked Hoseok in the tiniest whisper, his glimmering eyes gave away how concerned he truly was for Yoongi.

“Of course, Seokie,” Namjoon hummed while he stood up. He stood still for a few more seconds and simply caressed Hoseok’s scalp in the way he knew the older one liked. “Everything will be okay. I’ll talk with him, alright? I think we all just need to take a break today. One day won’t hurt. And you definitely could use it too.”

Without another word, Namjoon swung both of their bags onto his right shoulder and guided Hoseok out of the conference room. The pair silently walked to the dance practice room a floor below to gather the rest of the group and head home. Namjoon instinctively placed his left arm around Hoseok’s shoulders and pulled him close to his side as they walked. The leader knew that when Hoseok was upset, physical touch always grounded him, it was the best method to easily soothe him.

That was one thing Hoseok appreciated about Namjoon. He always knew how to calm them down, both individually and as a group. He knew when to push them a little further and when to call it quits on their behalf. Hoseok just hoped that the other could use his leadership qualities to get to the bottom of Yoongi’s problem. He hoped that by the end of the night, everything truly would be okay.

Hoseok felt like he could start to cry just at the simple fact that Namjoon was going to try for him. He had seen the moment realisation had dawned in Namjoon’s eyes that Hoseok seriously was that worried about Yoongi. So he trusted their leader to stick to his words and talk to Yoongi. And even if he didn’t make any progress either, at least he hoped that he wouldn’t be the only one on the lookout anymore. Perhaps Namjoon would make his concern common knowledge to the rest of the group. And maybe then the others would notice it too.

“- going home?” Hoseok heard the last part of the question, not even realising they had arrived at their destination.

“I’ll explain it another time,” Namjoon answered Seokjin while the maknae line looked all too happy at the news. “But I’ve promised Hoseok we will have a movie night with lots of cuddles.”

“Really?” Jimin asked with wide eyes, a bright smile appeared on his face. “We haven’t had a break to do something like that in so long.”

“I know. That’s why I’m making it mandatory that we all take a break for the rest of the day,” Namjoon said. He looked pointedly at Yoongi, as he emphasised the word ‘all’, who stood the furthest from the group with his eyes focused on the floor.

“Let’s get going. I want to watch as many movies as we can,” excitedly said Jungkook as he, Jimin and Taehyung led the group out to their cars.

The entire trip back to the dorm, Hoseok had desperately clung to Namjoon’s side. Had Jungkook and Jin shot him strange looks as the four of them drove in silence? Most definitely. But he didn’t care what the other two thought. And most certainly didn’t dare let go of Namjoon. Partly afraid that he would fall to pieces again if he was to let go. The entire drive his mind, of course, never strayed far from the haunting, dead eyes that refused to look his way most of the time.

The thoughts kept going around in vicious circles. He felt so weak that he couldn’t help Yoongi. What kind of best friend was he? He had to ask someone else to do his job. He felt like a failure. He just wanted Yoongi to be okay again. Round and round. His mind rapidly spiralled from one question, to another thought, back to those eyes. Over and over. Why wouldn’t he let him in? What was keeping them apart? What was destroying his friend? He just wanted answers before it broke them both.

“Yoongi Hyung, come to my room after you get changed,” Namjoon said as he closed the dorm door behind them which broke Hoseok out of thought for the third time that day. “Hoseok-ah, why don’t you change into something comfortable? We’ll start setting up, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he whispered in response as he got his bearings because he didn’t remember getting out of the car and walking all the way into the dorm.

Finally, he detached himself from Namjoon and left for his and Jimin’s room. He placed his backpack, which had somehow ended up in his grasp, on his bed and sat down with a heavy sigh. Between the heavy silence of the room and the aspect of being alone, he allowed himself to give into the crushing emotions. Soft sobs left his body as he covered his face with his hands. It had been too much. He could only begin to imagine the pain and suffering Yoongi must be going through.

“What’s wrong, Hyung? Why are you crying?” Jimin’s soft voice asked from somewhere nearby.

“I’m just worried, that’s all,” he answered while he wiped away his tears, trying to sober up now that he wasn’t alone.

“About Yoongi?” asked Jimin as he walked closer. “Namjoon just quickly told the rest of us that you were very worried about him.”

“Jimin? Am I crazy? Have you not noticed anything wrong or off about Yoongi?” Hoseok asked through his sniffles.

“Well he has been a little bit quieter than usual. Are you really that worried?” Jimin said as he sat down beside him and slowly ran his hands through Hoseok’s hair. Hoseok simply nodded his head, worried his voice would betray him. “Hyung, it’ll all be okay. We have each other. Always.”

“Everyone keeps saying it’ll be okay,” whispered Hoseok. “But I don’t know. My gut is just telling me something is wrong.”

“It will though,” he said and did not hesitate to embrace his shaken roommate.

Hoseok closed his eyes while he took a shaky breath in. He so desperately wanted to believe the others when they said it would all be okay. But they hadn’t seen what he had. It wasn’t until he had even said something that they took notice. It broke his heart that he was the one being comforted instead of Yoongi. They should all be surrounding him, should be giving him affection, should be soothing his troubles. Not him. He wasn’t the one in need of help.

“Come on, let’s get changed,” Jimin said as he stood up from the bed. “I heard from a little bird that we are having a Disney marathon.”

“Yeah okay,” he said dejectedly and moved to his side of their walk-in closet.

As he went through the motions of changing and going out to the lounge room, Hoseok was stuck up in his head, not taking in anything. He wondered how it was going in Namjoon’s room. He wondered whether any progress had been made. He wondered if Yoongi was finally opening up to someone. He wondered if when the pair emerged, would he see the same dead eyes as before or would he finally see some emotions back there?

It made him miss those days where Yoongi would message him first, asking if he was free for a moment. He missed those days where he could see the passion in his eyes as Yoongi worked hard on composing a new track. He missed those days where that wide, gummy smile was proudly displayed on his face at one of Hoseok’s jokes. He missed those days where he could cuddle up to Yoongi’s side without fearing he was upsetting him even more. That’s what he missed the most.

“Hobi-ah?” a voice right beside his ear startled him out of his thoughts.

“How did it go Joonie?” he asked as he turned his head to the side to look at where Namjoon had been sitting beside him for who knows how long.

“I talked with him and you can worry less, Hoseok. Okay?” said Namjoon before he embraced Hoseok. “He promised me that he is just exhausted from our schedule and he hasn’t been sleeping the best. Alright?”

“Thank you, Joonie,” he whispered as he snuggled further into Namjoon’s arms to hide his sad face. This solidified that Namjoon believed the lies that Yoongi was fine.

Most of the night from that point on had been a blur for Hoseok. He continued to sit on the couch, observed the room with blank eyes, and watched the other members laugh with each other. The only time he had briefly perked up was when Yoongi had been forced to leave his bedroom to watch the movies with the group. As the other sat down on the opposite couch, the pair made eye contact. Hoseok’s world shattered around him as he locked his gaze with those hollow eyes. He tried to give a supportive smile, but it flattened after a few seconds. He felt like he would break down in tears again. So Hoseok tore away from the look and slumped back into the couch.

Slowly, he too was losing hope in this situation. The whole afternoon had been a waste. They were exactly where they had started with Yoongi still dealing with something in the shadows and Hoseok unable to help. Namjoon hadn’t managed to break down the walls. And no one else seemed to be that concerned for him. They continued with their movie night as if everything was perfectly okay. Hoseok cuddled into Namjoon’s side and closed his eyes. It appeared no one and nothing would help Yoongi.