Behind Dead Eyes

Behind

Dead Eyes

By : Rachel G. Strater

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events, and incidents either are the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is entirely coincidental.

©2015 Rachel Strater All rights reserved.

Behind Dead Eyes

By: Rachel G. Strater

“In loving thoughts of my wonderful mother.” Wrote in 2003 when i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder also manic depression and schizophrenia. Never think you know someone til you walk a mile in their shoes.

This is just a simple collection of poems I have wrote. Do not judge my person on anything you read or see, it was just how I felt at that moment in time. Read at your own risk(If i offend you I am sorry. ) Please continue without delay and welcome to my twisted and demented mind.

Thank you

Rachel G Strater

(The Lost Dark Princess)

Hello Stranger

Hello stranger, can I bother you for a moment?

I need to find something i have lost.

It’s uncanny how I lost it and I am embarrassed to say.

I had it when I went to sleep, But lost it none the same.

How could I have been so clumsy?

My heart is full of shame.

Beginning with my past I ran my mind through, If I cannot find it I don’t know what I will do. My thoughts are blank and I cannot remember, Do I look inside my head?

Don’t bother looking for my emotions, You see they are already dead. I lost my hopes and my dreams, All for nothing so it seems.

So if you could help me find my soul, I will set you free and let you go.

The Past is Watching

Can’t you feel it breathing right down your neck, getting ever so closely but yet careful not to touch,

Disturbing thoughts of yesteryear haunt your brain, clear and as vivid as the day you lived it.

Something in your mind pushes you to the point of mistakes, yet we really don’t know why or how we come to this,

They say over and over again that history repeats itself, so be careful of foolish judgments.

If this is true then is time actually watching us, waiting for us to repeat our dear and tragic mistakes?

No matter where we move, no matter what we do,

It stalks us, like a shadow in the daylight or stars in the night.

So I ask you, is the past really watching us? Are we destined to repeat every mistake we have ever made?

Count them up and tally your score, Are you ahead of the game or are you just realizing you’re far behind?

Stuck in a world of mistakes and regrets,

Fighting at the chance to break the cycle and start anew.

Trapped like rats in a cage, we are

watched over by larger forces,

By time itself like a lion awaiting its prey.

The past is watching us, what can we do to

change what’s going to happen, We don’t want history to repeat itself.

Watching from the darkness in their happiness and joy,

Thinking silently to myself how i loathe them for they have something I shall never have.

Tragically I laugh at them whenever they fall to the ground,

Look around you, look at your false lives never knowing what is truly there.

Pity the ones who don’t know, to hell with the rest.

Tear Drops

Teardrops falling down my face no one near around,

Looking to find my lost heart i have never found. Dying hearts and lost love nothing will be the same, I don’t know how to take it, but it’s I that is to blame.

Finding hope and losing it quick it’s something that just won’t end, when i lost you it’s like i lost my dearest friend.

People staring pointing laughing do they not understand, I would give anything to be able to feel the touch from your hand.

Screaming into the night for only fears to hear,

My life is so empty its nothing and no end is near. Tearing my flesh just to feel what have come to be,

Cursing the day i walked away now nothing matters to me.

Trying to find hope that is lost i look upon your face, All the love has come and gone and now i am in disgrace.

Changing inside i cannot do it’s something that is there,

Good bye to you friend i loved and cared thank you for the heart you shared.

Changes

Changing my life has hitting me hard,

It seems more than i can bare,

Without a notice the pain hits and leaves me helpless like a child,

Ripping, bulging, Bleeding skies make me remember

what it was to live,

This gift i have is not one i can ever share.

Screams of pleasure turn to pain,

Screams of pain turns into the same,

Needing nothing but everything at the same time, This cruel life is not only mine.

I do not see any others like me,

I look all around but it is nothing i see, Changing my life to fit this hell, There is a difference in living as well.

Someone once told me i should not complain,

That it’s my fault that everything i feel is the same, No pleasure or pain do i feel anymore, I just walk around still wanting more.

Crashing, burning, screaming out loud, Walking around not being seen in the crowd, Is this the gift i was promised to be?

Changing my life was a mistake i now see.

Are you out there, can you still hear?

Come back to me or at least make it clear,

You made me then left me, what was the moral in that?

You left me as swift as a drop of a hat.

Saddened tears run down my face,

Every night leaving their trace,

Nothing calming me down but one thought, Oh i wish my old life back and never to be bought. Changing my world from the way that is i am not sure can be done,

I have started it, the process has begun, No one told me it would hurt this much, Pain transfers into a stale emotion and such. Changes that wreck my life i didn’t now would be this bad,

Hoping for death to come by my own hand, Stabbing myself in a sense of pleasure,

Or do i do it for the changing measure.

Sweet Sweet Pain

For it is you I seek at the time of my dismay, Only you can make me feel alive, place me into the hands of death and I will be your servant for the end of time.

My heart is empty and gone,

Nothing holds me here, just my breath but not even that for long.

Tell them I am sorry and they meant the world to me….

I don’t deserve them, and I will set them free.

The Loneliness

And all the fears…..

The screams, the yells that can’t be heard. The everlasting that can’t be cured, The distance of the one that cares.

The longing of the love she bares,

All the choices the wrong ones were made.

The “too late now’s”,

And the “can’t be changed”.

All these things, The bloody knife.

Strong

Watching them die one by one, No emotions I show. For I care not what happens, Laughing at their pain.

Come to see where i stand alone in this world,

Weeping and screaming awaking from my dreams.

Hiding my thoughts from all acting as i am too strong. Falling on my butt laughing at failure, Holding my accomplishments dear.

But no matter what i shed no tears,

Standing tall i walk alone, no body there beside me, Taking death into me now it sets me free.

Bloody tears

Goodbye With a gun in my mouth i often wonder, if I pull the trigger will it matter? Sitting alone in a room full of people, talking to myself but not even i listen. Meaningless words, they haunt my heart as what a painful thing i have become. My time was wasted and pedaled away now i am wishing only for more time, Faking happiness and love over and over again. Do i even matter, what could i do to change, for what I’ve done there is no forgiveness, and knowing this my heart grows cold. I am sorry i have hurt you, trust me it’s nothing personal. But I can’t pull this trigger, I have

more to do, I am sorry. I have to go. Goodbye

Faded

Kissing,

Holding,

Lusting, Feeding.

Coughing,

Choking, Crying, Creeded.

Holding,

Kissing, Hiding, Hating.

Screaming,

Licking, Beating,

Bleeding.

Fading,

Frowning, Flowing, Feeding.

Everything you know has become faded.

I Can Not

Love,

Honor, Obey,

I cannot.

Trust,

Help,

Share, I cannot.

Feel

Compassion, Hope,

I cannot.

From the simplest of tasks i realize how much my heart is lacking. Help me through this as we bond together more than ever thought possible.

Abyss

Changing places and remembering my past, Moving wind and air rushes by me fast. I know you’re there, I know I am right, But I wonder why this only happens at night.

Pounding hearts with blood filled tears,

Never aging in my years. Cancerous memories haunt my soul,

Torment no matter where i go.

Piercing death and ripping flesh, I suddenly open my eyes,

People hating me and wanting me dead comes with no surprise.

Open your hands, open your eyes, and come to see who

I am,

Breaking thoughts would drive you mad and you only know that i can.

Do you see what I am, can you accept this?

If not both our souls will fall to a never ending abyss.

Emotion

Sitting waiting watching, The time goes by so slow. Sighing whining bitching, Never does any good.

Pacing fidgeting panorama, Are they coming to take me away?

Gripping Grasping Holding on, But is it time to let go.

Touching feeling rubbing,

Is there anything there anyways?

As I breath i slowly stop to think, Are you real or in my mind. Someone so perfect, I’m scared to lose you. I would be lost person if I didn’t have you. Crying weeping sobbing I love you.

You

Passion kisses and blood stained arrows,

Pain pushes through my soul as my sorrow grows. Pinching pulling pounding pain, Everything changes yet stays the same.

Death filled eyes and heart struck love,

Placing all my trust into you as you take me as you stand above.

A Vampiric Love Affair

You run your fingers across my flesh,

Your teeth pierce my skin as you seduce my soul.

Your eyes stare deep into me,

Your smile as you start to remove my clothes. You press your body against mine as you pull my legs open,

Your lust grows as you begin to caress every inch of my body.

Your moans of anticipation sends chills up my spine.

You have complete control over me. You feel my wetness you enter my sweet spot of passion,

Your hard shaft slowly enters me.

You gasp for air as you grow deep inside,

Your hands freely roam over me.

You squeeze and caress as you go harder, Your speed increases as you start to moan.

You close your eyes as you bite me again, You pull me closer as you pound deep and drink from me.

You drive deeper and deeper until i scream my submission,

You smile as you know i am totally yours from now on.

You rape my mind and rape me of my blood as I fall deep in love with you,

You pull back releasing your hot load onto my flesh. You whisper sweet nothings into my ear and you simply disappear.

Without a Face

From place to place, from person to person i see nothing in their eyes,

Walking around wondering if I am that lost or will it take me by surprise.

Hating everything every single thing i touch, Despising this word so very much.

Over themselves no one see’s or even hears,

The pain of time all the death or the tears, Moving around silently hiding awaiting the place i shall slumber,

Thinking of waited lives and piss-pour people in all their hunger.

Saddened lives and broken hearts i see it all the time, People holding on to nothing as their ambitions and desires decline.

You look at me no love no care no worry or despair, I walk around your happy miserable world not showing a simple care.

You’ve seen me a million times but never do we meet,

I see you in your car, on your board, bike, blades, And as you walk down the street. I see you everywhere and every place, I am that person without a face.

I’m Waiting

Weaken hearts and bloodstained hands, I look up what i have done.

Nothing hurts me more than to see you cry for what i have become. Silent creatures hunt me down for things i did not do,

All i wanted was to stay on this earth and be close to you. No reason for my being no reason left for me, You took everything away when you left me just to be.

Flashing lights and screaming tears i have washed away a new, but still in my heart there is a place waiting for you.

Hate in Me

Crossing over it’s so hard to let it go, Nothing could stand in my way i just let the emotions flow.

Smiling laughing crying screaming all in my head, What has this world came to be i wish i was dead. No one warned me it would be like this no one told

me why,

No i just wish for death if only i could die.

Wishing and holding on to nothing what will keep me sane,

Lust and lies built up and needs to be washed away by the rain.

On the point of darkness i look around to see, its not the world that went wrong just the hate in me .

Personal Hell

Walking around in the dark, finding yourself lost once again, not finding a place you can call home, looking for fire with the spark, refreshing as rain you welcome pain, for of this world you will always roam.

Sitting and waiting certain death, nothing comes but a lost sense of knowing, drifting away i a candle without a flame, you wish you knew that you are going to take your last breath, never to grow old and to sit out on growing, Dont look at me i can’t take the blame.

Washing away all your hopes and your fears, Wondering if your like will take flight, Stopping to think about the things you cannot do, wishing and begging year after year, wondering if what you are doing is right, drifting away with thoughts of nothing not even you.

Take a walk with me and let me show you how, let me show the way it is when life passes you by, watching and waiting for the taste in your mouth, you said that you wanted it do you still want it now?, Now this gift you cannot look at a day time sky, so you drift around till you get to the dirty south.

A southern vampire who would have thought, Deep on a summer night with a sky full of stars, coming to terms with what you were in the past, you still look for something you had lost, having pain that carries a lot of scars, I really didn’t think this feeling would really last.

So now i sit here thinking about this, loving this life through all the hate, dreaming of ways to seek it out, walking around in a power bliss, wanting it now i don’t want to wait, and drinking your life thru a spout.

Tears

Dripping,

Falling,

Running, Tears.

Wet,

Salty,

Bloody, Tears.

Staining,

Smirking, Deadly, Tears. Pain,

Angry,

Happiness, Tears.

Can’t ask for more,

I feel all,

I feel nothing, But only when,

I see tears.

Bloody Droplets

Blood dripping off my wrist thinking of time that past,

Broken glass flow through wind as if a window was shattered.

Dreams wasted on love that does not exist.

Dancing nightmares stay hidden deep in my mind. Creeping hands steal my breath a voice enters my head,

Slapping winds and cutting chills make my body forget.

Splitting veins and screams of pain keeps my soul intact.

Laughing evils mock me as my eyesight slowly fades.

Darkness slowly comes, seeping through my window.

Piercing pain rips through my nerves and I finally let go,

My death comes swiftly now the release has been complete.

I cut myself open to only find you deep inside, no matter where i go or what i do you’re always with me.

Something holds me to you as glue to paper and this i do not mind. I see you for who you truly are and this is who i want to be with.

Something’s are worth waiting for and i am prepared to wait a lifetime for you. I love you now as ever i did and it’s only growing more.

People change time goes on but i know one thing which will stay the same. That’s the way i feel about you,

Our love with never change. I love you so much i doubt you even know. Please hold me in your arms for at least now and let me love you more.

Love

The love I have for you,

Consumes me like a wild beast.

While my heart bleeds for your brightened soul.

Your smile illuminates my day, Your eyes have me intoxicated.

The words you speak lift my heart into oblivion.

Every move excites me, Every breath defies, You are my life.

Touch

With a simple touch,

You awaken the deepest desire inside of me.

With a simple look,

You make me feel like I am the only one you see. With a simple smile, You make me feels safe.

Why

Why does the world look at you with closed eyes?

Can they see what they are looking at? Seeing with your eyes closed and hating with an empty heart,

Chasing shattered dreams as they sleep through our lives as if we were open doors. Why do you turn away from us?

Why must you think there is something wrong if someone isn’t like you?

Why must you see only what you want?

Damn you for closing your eyes to us.

Why must you be a fool?

Why must everything be your way?

We have our own lives as well.

We can think for ourselves and make our own choices.

Why do you think you need to run our lives and make us live just like you? WHY?

Timelines

Timelines shattered, Timelines broken.

Seeing the past, present and future.

Taking advantage of a broken era.

Trampling peace and happiness.

Discovering a new self being in oneself.

Beseeching nothing but my identity. Holding nothing but your soul Laughing as I start anew.

Sighing as hell takes me in once again.

A Peach

In the mist hot summers day, Nothing can taste as sweet.

As the soft skin touching my lips for the first time, I gently bite down not knowing what to expect, As i break the skin with my teeth. A gentle droplet of juice runs into my mouth exploding my scenes with flavor.

The taste is incredible.

Juice running from my lips onto my chin, I moan just a bit a soft mmmmmm.

Tasting the warmth of the juice in my mouth almost releases my freedom.

Biting down again the same sensation as the first, All the juices dripping from my lips and chin.

Licking my lips I stare at the skin.

So soft yet so firm.

It amazes me

Finishing my snack I lick my lips for the last time as I drop the remains to the ground.

Discarding it as if it were nothing more useful. There is nothing better than a handpicked Peach on a summer’s day.

Hoping

Hoping it comes soon,

Waiting for the tides to change. Wanting the one thing i can’t have, Wishing for a life to be sane. Laughter is something lost to me, Misery is my new best friend.

Hostility is my new way of being,

Razors become my safety and cuts a new beginning. Constantly dreaming about salvation, Loveless pain enters my soul.

Complications rise as self-esteem shrinks,

My voices fade away as my head explodes.

Can You Forgive the Unforgivable?

Yesterday, I awoke to a feeling of nothingness, Today I wish not to awake at all.

Have you ever had someone try to take everything they don’t approve of away from you? As if you were a small child.

It may not be what they approve of but who is it for them to say you cannot?

Nothing happens just conversations and now too that gets torn away.

I loved him no matter of his lies, no matter the pain and the price.

You cannot turn off love off just because someone deems it not right.

Who are you to judge what another needs to do with their lives?

What makes anyone superior to another? Just because their beliefs are different.

When one does nothing illegal one should not be prosecuted as if they were guilty. Being stripped of dignity is what they want me to be.

Conformed to their desire, their will, and their way. I think not.

I have made my choice and it will not be undone. If i hurt those who say they love me so be it. This is my life and i shall follow my heart.

Never again will i be pushed and threatened. I forgave, I would again, and nothing you can say will change my will, not this time. Not again.

Do what it is your Christian heart says to do,

FORGIVE and FORGET. Turn the other cheek. Do not judge other or yet you be judged. How soon we all forget when nothing is shown. Can you be the one to say I forgive?

Or are you the one who lingers with hate and selfishness in your heart.

How words can never describe your issues with yourself and your control. I’m sorry.

You will control me no longer. Forgive me for my actions for I know they because you pain. But I cannot live my life to others will.

Could you? Could you do as you’re told? How would it feel if you couldn’t do what your heart desired? Or have something or someone you love taken because someone else sees it as not right. How we all need to turn our heads and let each other alone, but alas this will never happen. Your hunger to be right and in control is more powerful than any belief you have. I wonder if it would take a second to your strong religion, but I highly doubt it. When brought up about your issue you threaten, scream, and ignore. Look inside yourself to see if you’re truly happy before you try to take someone else’s happiness away. I ask you to do only one thing, Forgive.

Forgive all who have harmed you or lied. It’s not up to us to pass judgments on someone other than ourselves.

Forgive.

Death Within

Sometimes when i sit here thinking of you,

I die inside,

Not know what to do, Trying to hold on to my pride.

Sitting on my bed wishing you were here,

That is how my time is spent, I hold you in my heart close and dear, But my morals are not broken just bent.

Holding my tears all up inside,

Trying not to let them fall,

But i had to let go so i cried,

And it didn’t change the way i felt at all.

Im dying inside of my head,

Trying to get out of this hell,

I just sit there on my bed,

Keeping my feelings inside because i have no one to tell.

Sickened

’

I am sickened with the current situation that was

forced upon me,

I never again wanted to be here,

The way of life is almost abuse, I feel like only death can set me free.

I am sickened with the way you force me to live,

I hate it more than you could ever know, It is the reason I’m sad all the time, I have nothing left in me to give.

I hope you’re happy with what you have done,

Because it is truly the way I feel,

You see nothing wrong with what you’re doing, Can’t you see the pain and sorrow that has begun?

My life is a hollow shell,

I’m damned in my personal hell

The place where all my pain dwells,

To get out it’s my soul I would sell.

Ponder This

“Death is not a punishment, it is a release some say Be good in this life or in the next you will be stuck in hell…

Play by the rules or it will come back to haunt you.

Could this all mean?

That in this life we are living, we are paying for our sins from another life?

If that’s the case is this our own personal hell?

If so,

The last laughs on the grim reaper now isn’t it.”

Chasing

“Chasing your dreams is a noble way to spend your life, but a rather dumb one to say the least.

Chase.

Chase all you wish and the impossible will still be impossible. And the drive you have for your fantasies will show you your falsehoods. Come run a mile on top of the river’s edge and you will see nothing more than yourself sinking.

No one has any idea of who they truly are. They search and search and search all their lives just to settle for a mere shadow of life.”

Damage

Walking alone in the dark, finding myself lost once again,

Trying to find a place called home,

Looking for a fire without a spark, Oh the taste of this sweet pain, It’s never enough just to roam. Common don’t hate…

Harmful

“A personal rejection can easily break someone’s heart but yet a letdown can do so much more damage...”

Escape

One tries to escape his personal prison and leaves themselves open for attack.

No one can truly harm you unless you let them know your heart is not black.

Feelings will drag you down and make you feel so much pain.

But in this life theres only one to look for and to set the blame.

Would you like to see this creature, would you like to know?

Look into the closest looking glass and it will truly show.

Yourself.

Broken

Missed calls and calls forgotten we slowly grow apart,

Without words cheeks turn as a slow death becomes me,

Tears constantly fall as my life slowly falls apart, Feeling self-worthlessness as everything loses its luster.

Feeling worthless and alone,

I wait for you over and over, yet nothing, Did i do something wrong? Is this punishment? For whatever I did I am sorry.

Dying inside you slip away and you don’t even

know,

Maybe we had our time,

Maybe it’s time to let go.

Nothing seems to mean anything any longer, Pain and sorrow tend to be my only company.

Is anything worth trying for anymore?

Or is it all a waste of time.

Winds racing in the air as souls grow apart.

Nothing will replace the joy I once had,

Nothing can ease this pain, Tears rushing as if they were a river, Nothing tends to my heart anymore.

Tears constantly fall,

Forget-me-nots never work, Forgotten I remain.

Broken hearts crumble, As everything washes away.

Loveless nights and longing pain,

Creeping death into all my dreams.

I say goodnight to the world that doesn’t listen, is it fate to have this much pain, or is this what I deserve.

Hopelessness and fear hide my tears as nothing enters my heart,

Coldness runs through me as rejection wins again. Loved and lost and thrown away, What am I good for?

Un- needed untouched and uncertain,

I walk alone holding my broken dreams,

My broken heart,

And my broken faith

I See This

Sitting, waiting, watching, The time goes by so slow. Sighing, whining, bitching, Never does any good.

Pacing, fidgeting,paranoia, Are they coming to take me away? Gripping, grasping, holding on, But it’s time to let it go.

Touching,feeling,rubbing, Is there anything there anyways? As I breathe I slowly stop to think, Are you real or just in my mind? Someone so perfect, I’m scared to lose you.

I would be a lost person if I didn’t have you, Crying, weeping, and sobbing.

True love

My time to die has come and gone,

You showed up into my life and changed my way of thinking.

My life has a new purpose, To love honor and obey.

Not as a slave but as a partner in life, A soul mate if you will.

The future seems bright as you settle deep into my heart.

Nothing can change the way my heart feels, And this is all your fault.

And I love the new sense of being you released into me.

Beginning a new life with you makes my soul shimmer.

Kisses of true love finally kiss my lips and i know true happiness.

When you entered my heart you set me free, Free from death, free from fear, and free from the personal hell I trapped myself into,

My love for you is everlasting and never dying, pure and so clean.

Cast Away

Casting away where no one can see, Walking through a hell made just for me. Walking, crying, fighting, and weeping, Never resting or never sleeping.

Chasing dreams never to come true,

Thinking of the one who made me this way, yes I am thinking of you.

Screaming for relief,screaming for pain, and screaming to relax,

Getting so close never to climax...

Loss

Tonight my world falls to pieces, and a sadden

apology is all I hear,

My world crashes down beside me,

I am losing everything I hold dear,

Thinking I lost everything worth a damn to me.

And no one is to blame but myself,

Death would be easy and I need to suffer just like everyone else.

How do you handle something you do to yourself? You can’t yell or be mad at no one,

Don’t hide yourself away not talking to none.

Hating myself,

You two carried on not caring of my absence, Not caring I was gone.

What to do now is something I don’t know, Except hide my feelings deep inside and let none show.

Yes I brought this on myself, I have no one to blame.

Hidden

I’ll simply hide my emotions away so no one sees my shame.

I can’t just up and leave you, it just wouldn’t be right.

For everything that happened it is my fault.

Holding you feels jaded, how could I dare?

My heart should be left empty cold and bare.

Shame of what I’ve done, I’ll never be the same.

Excuses are nothing to me, they all seem lame. Love seems so cruel tonight yet nothing matters but you.

I love you no matter what we do.

I was in Love once… Never again

I was in love, but never again,

My first love left me with a pain before the wound,

I had to stand from afar and watch my love,

Fall in love with another girl,

Now I cry all alone - no love is warm,

“He’s” gone from reality - but not from my memory,

I needed to be loved, I still had needs and wants, Then one day; He appeared, so unlike my love of before,

And as time elapsed - innocence was lost along with my youth,

Yet something was wrong, I sensed our love was all one sided,

And in time this man’s falsehood struck home,

He didn’t love me!!! He just wanted all he could get,

I became his second hand rose...for a wife he kept; The first love I had was true - now no love have I or want too,

For that love is gone...

Now adultery is my revenge - for an emotion called love,

I run a mock of it... For in my experience; it is totally A myth.

Screaming

Screaming,

No one comes to my aid,

They pass by as if I wasn’t there,

Holding on to my sanity with all that I have, Hoping something going to give soon so I can remember who I am.

Holding onto my thoughts as if they were words from God,

Drifting into the abyss I scratch my nails into the ground trying to hold on.

Nothing seems to be real in this world anymore, How can these things happen to people?

I want to feel what it’s like to be real,

I want to touch something I have always wanted. Nothing seems to make sense anymore, Nothing to lose nothing to gain, how do I make myself real? I have to hold on,

There is nothing else, I have to hold on,

I have found where I belong. I am, Holding on.

My Darkness The constriction darkness enfolds me, Grabs me tight.

Won’t let go.

Another day in this big, dark room.

A room full of bodies.

No emotion.

Not here, not now.

I’m numb to the love.

The hate.

The rumors.

The rage.

I am numb to the signs of everything.

I caused it.

I try to get away, turn on the light.

I can’t find the switch.

Another Night Another night spent, Sad and cold. One more minute, All alone.

Remnants of glass, Shattered from the pain. Missing pieces, I can’t put together again. A heart not whole, Not all the.

You filled up, The empty air. My breath stolen, From my chest.

Still upset, I can’t rest.

Stinging tears,

Soundless cries.

Covered up,

By stealthy lies.

So much pain,

A little guilt.

Everything shown,

by all the tears I’ve spilt. Nothing hidden, No regret.

But there are sometimes I wish, We’d never met.

The Wind

The wind blows through the trees without breaking. The colors of the world seem to be clearer. The birds sing a song and the flowers dance Swaying with the breeze.

Love can be the same as the sand that lies in your hand.

Hold it gently in your palm and it will spread all around.

But hold it roughly and it will stay in the darkness never moving.

Well

Welling up to the brim, deep feelings, dark secrets,

Unattainable dreams, unfulfilled desires. Pressure Building, desperation, weakness, hope lost.Strength Lost, love gone, pain spills over flooding life.

Depleted and lost without light to guide the way. A line of decaying hearts in a graveyard made of dust. Lost in the aching despair of everlasting agony. Where are the hearts of love and joy? Grace and mercy lost in defiance. Mercy on the broken hearts, joy of life be renewed and filled. Break the cycle of pain with courage and strength. Search for truth with patience.

My Pain

I feel this pain inside my heart...

That has followed me right from the start.

I try to tell you how much I care...

You look at me with mild despair.

I want to be open...

And share with you my love.

This cause of desperation...

Is bound to subdue.

You look at me...

Smile and say.

That you want to be with me...

In each and every way.

I try to forget...

About the past.

Long does it linger...

As if it will never pass.

It’s time to move on...

And forget about what was there.

If you want to be as one...

Trust and Faith, is what we have to share!

I Will Not Wake

I lie awake and silently pray, For sleep to come and take me away. A sleep from which I will not wake, That my breath should mercy’s angel take. I remember waking this morning, Eyes open to find a new day dawning. I knew then that once again, I’d face a day of hopeless pain. So I pray to you again tonight, My tears shining in the moonlight. Please send me an angel from your heart, To deliver me into the dark. Where in sleep I do not fear the day, When she’s taken all my pain away.

In a sleep from which I will not wake,

That my breath should mercy’s angel take.

Holding On

Holding onto myself on the floor looking for something to grab onto, aching inside looking for an escape.

Can this really be happening to me or is this some crazy dream from I can’t awake?

Crashing

My skin is crawling and my eyesight weakened.

My body is shaking from the pain.

Nothing is going to help I need it so terribly.

How can i change my ways when it’s pushed into my face at every turn in the streets?

You don’t see how bad it is getting.

The pressure is too great to refuse.

Pleasure had never came at such a high price before.

My soul for a glimmer or a normal life.

I refuse to play this part in your crazy world.

I am crashing and I can’t stop this pain.

Crashing dead into the wall of heartache and woe for you to be assured that I will be fine.

Your views are killing me inside and you don’t even see how you are doing this.

Nothing is ever good enough.

Nothing will ever be as you want.

This is a different world and i am crashing into a deadend to have my piece of joy. If it isn’t what you approve of I am sorry. It’s time for me to live my life for me and no one else.

I can be strong for who I need to be along with being with who i want and being what I want.

I don’t need your approval anymore.

I am crashing into my death to get away from your clutches.

You will never preach your hypocritical words at me ever again.

Being myself isn’t what you will ever let me be.

So I am crashing to get away from you.

Leave me alone and walk out the door and let my life take its course.

Crashing my life will leave me unable to forgive you.

I tried to give you a warning but you ignored me. Preached at me and tried to conform me to what you think is right.

This is my life not yours.

I’m dying.

I’m finally getting away from you.

I warned you, but you wouldn’t hear me.

I’m crashing to regain my life.

And this time.

I am living my life my way.

The way I see fit.

I will never be your preaching toy again. I am who I am, and if I am not to your approval, remove yourself from me and let me roit.

I am crashing, and there is no stopping it now.

The Hate In Me

I sit around thinking of cruel ways crush the ignorant and the obsessed,

Nothing seems to make sense or matter much these days.

Crime is more acceptable than to people in love.

I just don’t know how long I can go on.

The hate in me grows every day.

Like I feed it and nurture it so it will be strong.

But I do nothing of the sort.

I live my life trying to hide all the anger,rage, and all the hate.

But it still shines through as if someone lit a candle in a dark room.

No matter how hard I try I still hate so many things in this world.

In my mind they don’t exist, they don’t matter. But they are very much real and I have to face them every day.

Every minute I live is another minute i scream deep inside my mind.

I scream for a world which we don’t kill our children.

Where predators aren’t sexual.

Here all my dreams are shattered and I live knowing that this is true.

I wonder am I the only one who lives in a world which is hated so much.

Yes I know that the world isn’t fair or kind for that matter.

But is it too much to ask for to live in a place where your children are safe?

Where we don’t have to worry about the person next door and let them go outside to play in the sun. A place where no harm comes to them, from anyone. It saddens me to know that we are all judged in ways we can’t even imagine.

People like myself, called dark, evil, or grim. You reach out your hand like if we are the ones who need the help.

But have you ever stopped to think about how this could be the direct cause of you?

This world is corrupt and we know it.

This is our way of showing it.

You think of us as dark or tainted.

Because of the clothes and style we wear.

No one has the right to judge anyone.

We all have our secrets we don’t share.

The hate in me grows with every day I live. Its growing out of control and nothing seems to be able to stop it.

You think you can fix me to adjust to your ways. The hate lives with in me as it shall stay for the rest of my days.

Nothing but Lies

Walking by I over hear a stream of lies.

How can you believe what was said?

When I can walk by and tell it is bullshit?

So many things are built on nothing more than lies. And then we wonder why our lives are so screwed up and dysfunctional.

How can anything be worth anything if nothing matters?

No matter what the case.

It seems nothing is sacred, nothing holy. Nothing. Nothing stable or nothing worth a second glance and yet,

We get mad, upset, and pissed off when we find out that our lives are built on nothing more than lies.

Love Me

Love me for who I am not for what I have done.

Love me for all time not till the night is overcome.

Love me for what I do not what you can make me do.

Love me forever and my dreams will come true.

Love me for what you see on the inside.

Love me for my heart and I will swell up with pride.

Love me for me and I will show.

You a love that never before you would ever know.

Different

Silently walking I will not make a sound. I will stay my distance not letting many come around.

Happiness always passing me by.

I am not the bad person you see though your eyes.

Listening to the whispers I hear.

Funny how someone like me can cause so much fear. Unknown and misunderstood, can you blame me for wanting to depart.

The cruelest of words shatter my heart. Pointless laughter and judgment’s always being thrown.

Beyond the children the adults should have known. Taunting a pressure will make the thickest brick break.

Mind your own words for your own pitiful sake.

Betrayals of all kinds are punishable by the heart. But the crimes you commit towards me are so punishable who would know where to start. Keep your minds simple and judge me if you will. When the end comes you will see who has gotten to the top of the hill.

I may be dark and i may be different.

But it will not be me on my knees screaming repents.

Reflection

Walking through the door to see your face my eyes brightens.

The words that come out of your mouth are not kind but harsh.

Wondering what it is that I have do so very wrong.

Remembering a brutal past.

Thinking about all things happen for a reason and my burden lightens.

A heart of ice that never thaws.

A heart so cruel it can’t forgive me for what I’ve done.

A life so empty that nothing ever seems enough. A life that has broken many laws.

I turn from my mirror and look down at my feet.

You see the eyes I look into are mine.

The heart so unforgiving is the one that beats within my flesh.

A person who is unable to care nonetheless So when you see me talking to myself.

Don’t think of me as crazy.

Think of me pleading with a jury.

A jury of only one.

And casting my own verdict within myself.

Don’t pity me none, because i do not feel.

Your words of kindness will fall upon a deaf ear.

The encouragement you give goes unheard.

It’s the only way my emotions can deal.

Distraught

Lost emotions holds no bounds.

The cold heart that never thaws.

Parting lovers lose the war.

And staying strong sometimes loses its point.

Searching for something that never well show itself.

Desperately holding onto the comforts of self-pity.

Beseeching love that never again will be found. Distraught over failures currently in my life. To be my hearts keeper is something I need to anoint.

Time For Me To Cry

Today it’s time for me to cry, The pain inside keeps getting worse. The worry and the fear deep inside,

Has built up to much pain for me to contain. Today it’s time for me to cry, to let out all of my fears,

Crying is a way to let it out, it’s just how I feel.

Today I shall let it all go, to let it all out, All the pain and have a good cry.

If I keep it inside for much longer I am afraid, If I don’t let it out I’m scared I will die.

Today I’m going to watch the emotions fall, Cry on my pillow and pray, I have to do this not only for the pain,

But I do it for me all the same.

Because today it’s my time to heal, And I have to cry for it is the way that I feel.

Today I Cry.

My Son

My kid, I love him so ,And as he grows,I am there to clean up, His messes and, Stop his worrying ,But as I do I watch him go ,

And now it’s his turn, To clean up and such ,

I made a difference in his life ,

That’s why he loves me very much.

Passing Sands

Silently the tide sifts the sand, burying my heart on a Coral Sea shore,

Along with those who have lived their lives in times past, And for those to find in futures to come. But for now, I am the Lady of the Sand, No more than a grain.

Relief

What’s the point of ‘life goes on’?

What’s the point of ‘the bright side’? When everything you’ve ever loved, has fallen by the wayside. And now I live without your soul; immortal though it be. What use is an eternity, if never spent with me? And though you dwell in peace and rest, watch from your home on high. I live in mortal torment and can but gaze toward the sky. When everything is stripped away there’s nothing left worth giving. Though the world is turning still, there’s no life left worth living. When life will never be the same, No way to stem the grief.

The only way to make things right:

In death, there is relief.