Her Life

I think writing fiction would have been better or easier, even fun to an extent because you make it up as you go, right? But I would not know. However, I am finding out in real time that writing about one’s life is hard. There are experiences and emotions, which are just too painful to bear, let alone write about. There are things we have buried so deep inside ourselves; one would not even know where to start searching or know how to begin to share these experiences. But people need to hear these stories, and whether you are the villain or the hero, there are lessons to learn.

In this particular experience, I do not know whether I am the victim or the villain, or I might be a bit of both. I must admit that most of us are where we are because of the choices that we have made. There are truths we do not want to admit about ourselves. I for sure do not want to admit to my shortcomings. The choices that I have made have really brought me deep pain and regret. I have stolen away my own happiness in so many instances, perhaps it is fear brought upon by my past trauma that I haven’t really healed from.

I have been wanting to try out therapy for the longest time, but I am that girl who has endless excuses when it comes to taking charge of my own life, again maybe it is that fear I mentioned. Maybe I have romanticized my pain to a point where it’s all I know, and I don’t want to let go of it. I keep replaying things over and over in my head about what happened, what I did and what they said, how I felt, and how I still feel. I keep dwelling on what I could have done differently and so on and on. It is true what they say about people being prisoners of their own minds.

It is February 2022. I am happy or maybe I am pretending to be, I still don’t know even to this day. I am at the clinic, in a long queue but I am too excited to care. It is my off day and I want to fall pregnant and start a family with the man I love. Finally, it is my turn, and I am sitting outside the nurse’s office, waiting to be called in. Out of nowhere another nurse approaches me and asks me what I’m here for. I tell her I want to take out the Mirena UID as I plan to fall pregnant. She then starts asking questions about my relationship status, how many kids I have, and so on and on.

I reply and tell her that I am not married but I’m in a committed relationship. I tell her I have two kids, with different dads, and as I’m going on, at the back of my mind I’m starting to realize that I’m actually feeling embarrassed as to how stupid I must be sounding to this nurse right now. But also, I am angry as to why she would be asking me such personal things. She further continues to ask me about my financial situation, and I tell her my partner and I both work. This lady is getting on my nerves, I could have just told her I am an adult and I know exactly what I am doing so she could shut up but also the rational part of me has some doubts. Do I even know what I am doing? In all honesty, I am not sure. I hated her unsolicited advice but still, I wanted to hear it and I heard it loud and clear, so I left. I got home and I cried.

I called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. He got upset that we made this decision together then the next thing here I am listening to some random nurse who knows nothing about us. I cried some more. After the call, I sat down and thought hard.

My truth is that yes, I have two baby daddies and I have never been married. I am in a dead-end job. I can’t even afford a car. My mom still bails me out from time to time.

I had my first child when I was 20 years old. I was young and had my future in front of me, so my family decided marriage wasn’t an option at that time which offended the other family but looking at him now, my family did me a favor by not letting me get married into that family. The man has no relationship with his daughter, there is absolutely no financial aid from him, a decision his family probably made when the marriage proposal was turned down.

I then had my second child when I was turning 30 years old, literally two days after my birthday I gave birth. The father abandoned me throughout the whole pregnancy. He blue-ticked my WhatsApp messages for a good nine months. I had severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum, I was in and out of the hospital. Thank God for my mother’s medical aid, I think I would have died literally. The father wanted an abortion, I could not, I would not so he left. I had known him for close to a year before falling pregnant, it was unplanned. He was also a broken soul with a lot of trauma and baggage from his failed marriage and childhood I reckon but I wouldn’t know, we never got the chance to get that deep. I loved him deeply I must admit, his awkwardness and shyness overall his charm but boy did he not show me the dark side to him. It was unreal. It is said that tribulations will reveal one’s true character.

We had great intense sex, which may be one of the reasons I stayed even though I could tell he didn’t have any love for me. We were both lonely and it was nice to spend time with each other. It was nice going out on dates and getting drunk and sometimes even high. It really was nice though it was just convenience on his part. It is clear now that back then he was still not over his ex.

Funny thing we lived really close to each other so I would see him driving in his car from time to time. He would pass me by in that big car of his while I was heavily pregnant walking on the sidewalk in the hot sun, tired and malnourished looking like a corpse. I have known trauma, but those nine months were the worst moments of my life, very dark days.

I had to take him to court for child maintenance, yes, I have a job, but I used to make little money back then. My mom raised my firstborn, and she still supports and lives with her. God Bless my mom. My secondborn was my responsibility and I needed help. So, I set my pride aside and took him to court, of course, he asked for a DNA test which came back concluding he was the father 99.99%. The child was getting close to her first birthday when he finally made the effort to meet her. He told his parents, such loving people. They loved her the first time they heard about her; we still get endless calls.

We are co-parenting, and it still hurts me very much when I think about those nine months. But it is all in the past, the adult in me must accept that. He supports the child financially and makes time occasionally to see her. I grew up without a father so, it is important to me that my child has her father in her life. I do not want her looking for Love in the wrong places as I did.

So here is another daunting truth, my current boyfriend has another girlfriend, a whole fiancé actually. I didn’t know that she was his fiancé. I might have suspected but he never said it, so I thought we are both his girlfriends. I accepted to be the other girlfriend, maybe this makes me a villain, I can’t say, but maybe I was manipulated and maybe I am the victim. He did lie to me for two years after all. He said and still says that he plans to make us both his wives but it’s almost three years and right now I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. He lives with her and provides for her. I get pocket money here and there and some promises of a beautiful life together here and there. Also, I am always rejecting advances made by other men because I have committed myself to this relationship. I do not know how I got here but I am here. The Ancestors and the gods must be laughing at me.

I met him at a time when I was at my lowest. I was struggling financially, depressed with a newborn and my routine life was just sad. I met him at a braai. I was not looking for love or maybe I was, but I know I wanted an escape. Maybe it was the way he approached me, I wasn’t even paying attention at first, but he greeted me with a kiss on my hand, and my goodness I noticed. He asked for my number and of course, I said no but my girlfriend convinced me, and I ended up saying yes.

It had almost been two years without sex, the driest I had ever been, and that first date just took a pleasurable turn, two hours straight without a breather. The moment still lingers in my mind, truly unforgettable. He was smart, articulate, reliable and most of all he was loving, I couldn’t resist, I was hooked.

At first, he lied and said he is with someone, but they live in separate places. So, judging by that I assumed whatever it was, it wasn’t that serious. Just a girlfriend and a girlfriend is not a mountain, she can be moved. The plan was to play my cards right so I could win him over. I won him over but not enough for him to leave her. I later found out that they actually stayed so it was serious after all. They had a long history, with a strong bond even worse that she’s an actual fiancé.

I accepted the situation and welcomed the idea of being a second wife, I was way into deep to just walk away anyway. My child loves this man, the way her face lights up when she sees him. Their bond is strong. I love him too.

It has been a day or two and I am back at the clinic. This time I got into the nurse’s office without anyone bombarding me with wisdom I don’t want to hear. I tell her I want to take out the Mirena and I told her I plan to fall pregnant. She didn’t ask much she took it out, a bit uncomfortable. Any woman who has done a pap smear will tell you that bird-mouth-looking metal thingy that opens you up down there is extremely uncomfortable. The one thing the nurse did say though was that it might take a bit of time to fall pregnant, little did she know I would conceive that very night.

I know my body; I knew something was happening, but I didn’t want to believe it. What are the odds? I told my partner that I think we might have conceived that very night. He was reluctant. He didn’t want to get excited; he’s had an unpleasant history of miscarriages and unsuccessful pregnancies and a whole lot of heartache, to say the least.

He loves children but, in this life, the more you want something the further it drifts from you. He has one child though. The story is that he cheated on the finance and got the girl pregnant. The child is the same age as my secondborn. The girl is from his hometown so unfortunately, he gets to see his daughter once a month or so.

I understand why he yearns so much for a child. He wants a child close to him, a child he will nurture and raise as he sees fit. I also actually yearn to have a child with a man that actually loves me and wants a child with me. I have always wanted three little ones, definitely not with three different men but life happened, I can’t say I am proud, but I won’t dwell over things I can’t change. He is a good man and despite his faults, he does have a good heart.

Weeks passed and the early pregnancy signs are getting intense and hard to ignore and the anxiety was overwhelming. Finally, I bought that pregnancy test. And there it was, the decisive moment, the BFP staring me in the face. I was ecstatic.