Mellifera

It's not enough. There has to be more.

Watching as everything slips away right through my fingertips. Wanting to scream my throat raw what more do you want? What more can I even give you. You dominate my thoughts. My skin craves nothing but you my fingers itch to touch your skin. My heart whispers your name through the night. My lips crave yours.

I don't know if it can even be called an obsession if it dances across lifetimes. I saw your face before I ever knew you. I couldn't scream out your name but I could feel your fingers dance across my skin in an illusion. I wanted to ask who you were but the words tripped over one another in my throat.

I caught sight of you and felt recognition. When we locked eyes my body went motionless I felt at peace before I could even put a word to the sensation. I couldn't tell you if any of this makes me sane but I am okay with being crazy.

My world was already upside down yet being with you I started recognizing it. I craved more from life. I wanted fresh air. I became angry as I realized I was stifling myself to be with you. It crept on me as we laughed together. It cut me open and gutted me every time we argued. The sensation of wanting more from life settled in my bones as we hugged or sobbed. It started stealing my breath the way you did when we kissed. I started feeling guilty. My secret lover is my hopes and ambitions. I couldn't tell you how would it make sense. Im cheating on you with my inner desires. It always felt like you were stealing my happiness away from me. Yet it was never mine. It was shared. Solstice between us that gave out on my behalf and left me within the shadows.

I wouldn't notice at first till I would feel cold and alone. Isolated from the people infront of me eating up the fake smiles. How could someone have known i was miserable when I played my part so well? No one can notice tears through their own. Why did my anger feel justified? My anger that you couldn't relight the spark you took from me. The spark we created together. Was it our creation or your spark lighting us both? You left me. Not that I fault you we did find each other within the dense forest. You've always managed better within darkness. I had to learn how to birth it feed it and transmute it.

I can create light within any darkness. I didn't realize it at first since i am light. That's how I got through the darkness so easily. I just had to close my eyes and follow the ray. It wasn't the same as the light you took. I had to learn to see with this one. I had to learn to not be afraid of the dark first. I had to stand within it. I fell to my knees. I had to surrender. I couldnt hold back i had to give everything. I had to give myself over.

They took me with open arms. I realized I was never alone in the darkness. I just had to look within. They're in my blood. I was always in the womb. I was always along the way. The woman before. The woman who walked along this same dark path before. The woman who always stood before me. I had to follow in their footsteps and do better learn better move better. Allow their lessons to flow through my veins. Allow their magic to flow through my veins. I had to rise from my knees and take the spark that they created with me.

So I walked through the darkness with my head held high and my shoulders squared. I walked and I stumbled and I got hurt yet I continued walking. Never waiting never faltering. Always learning and relearning. I did make mistakes. I did let you back in. Ultimately you killed the relationship and left it on its last breath. As it follows the path back to the divine I follow the path toward destiny.

I am not weak. I am not fragile. I am no little girl. I am not your toy. I will burn you. I will reign. I am rising. You don't know me as you have never met a woman like me.