What if?
Lina's POV
Have you ever felt like life has dealt you a shitty card when you least expect it? When you feel like you finally found something worth living, suddenly everything goes down the drain and you are ripped apart from your fantasy into the cruel world called reality.
When something goes worng, your fucked up mind tries really hard to put the blame on you. Brings you down the memory lane of every single time you screwed things up, filling you up to the brim with the guilt of knowing how things could have been different if it weren't for you.
Here I am sitting on the hospital bench with shivering hands and an endless stream of tears thinking of all the ways my mind could come up with to avoid the inevitable from happening.
I was not the one who came up with this sudeen road trip, we were not the ones who cut the signal and driving under influence, we were not the ones speeding up way over the limit and we were definitely not the ones who crashed into a car parked in the parking lot, so why am I the one who is feeling like this?
Why do I feel like we could have avoided this accident if only I refused to go out today or maybe like spending a few more seconds in that cafe or what if my order has been delayed, what if I reached the car on time without tripping on a random stone misplaced on the sidewalk? But the one thoughts going through my mind on a loop is why not me? Why him? Why did it have to be him? I was supposed to drive but he snatched the keys from me. Why? Why did I let him? I shouldn't have.
How can your life turn upside down in a matter of few seconds. A single mistake, a freak accident robbed me of my life, my happiness from me all in a few freaking seconds. Just like that, one minute he was teasing me and laughing at Noah's antics, then its gone.
All I can remember is Evan pushing Noah away followed by a loud noise that shook me to the core. Evan was thrown away and was lying in a pool of his own blood. I can't seem to get that image out of my head. He was smiling, happy that he managed to save Noah i believe. How can anyone smile knowing they are slowly dying?
Stop thinking. Don't blame yourself, don't let your thoughts go all over the place. You need to stay strong for your kids, for him.
It has been exactly an hour since we came to this hospital and I am yet to hear anything about him. I can see the nurse going in and out of the emergency room a million times bringing either a new doctor or medicine or a few files each time but she refuses to meet my eyes which has me thinking of the worst. No one is coming my way to tell me about his condition.
I want to go there and demand to know what is going on with him or if he is alive?
Alive? My heart starts beat wildly trying to rip out of my ribcage at this thought, what will I do in this world without him? How will I be able to keep living without waking up to his beautiful brown eyes and brilliant smile showing his pearl white, without running my hands throught those black messy curl of his hair?
Oh my God, how am I going to break the news to our kids? They are barely at the age of understanding what death is, so how am I going to explain to them their dada is not coming back, that they will never be smothered by his endless kisses, no more bedtime stories or silly dance to crazy songs or those little road trips he takes them every weekend. That their best friend is gone forever.
I need to stop thinking.
I need to stop thinking about his pain.
I need to stop thinking that he is not coming back.
I need to stop thinking that he lost hope, that he gave up fighting.
Just don't think about negatives.
He will come back to me, to us like he always does with his signature smirk and tell me I was worried for nothing, that he is sorry for scaring me like this.
Yes, let us be optimistic.
My Evan will never let me down.
Then why do I feel this pain in my chest. This uneasy feeling is telling me that something is wrong.
Stop.. Stop thinking. Just stop. Don't go into overdrive. No news is good news so, there is hope.
Hope that he is alive.
I need him, our kids need him so, he will come back. He must come back.
Please come back.
