Am I Barry Pyramid

In 1988 as Lee Cabinet started sixth form he was planning another attempt at forming a band and was convinced things would be different this time. When he was at school he had co-created a band called Slander with a friend named Ged but that band only consisted of drawings on paper, so they never made a sound. The same two friends had later formed a band called Sneaky Manoeuvres that did make sounds using one solitary snare drum and a borrowed red flying V guitar but these sounds probably fell short of being described as music. Also worth noting is that neither band member could actually spell the name of the band. This seemed insignificant to them at the time but now somehow seems like a signifier of things to come. Shortly after the demise of Sneaky Manoeuvres the red flying V became available for sale at the price of fifty pounds. Lee Cabinet bought it and in doing so felt that he had taken another important step along the road to rock and roll excess.

Looking back now it’s interesting to note that every musical project Lee has ever been involved with seems to have some significant shortcoming; a band whose name he couldn’t spell, a band that existed only on paper, a band with no music, a band with no members, several bands with no songs and most of all numerous bands with no gigs. In 1988 with Slander and Sneaky Manoeuvres behind him, this pattern was starting to bed in but Lee was blissfully unaware of the future’s icy certainty and was sure that an actual band with members, songs and even gigs was something he was capable of masterminding. He hadn’t made a detailed plan but he was aware that hairstyles were important. His hair was not long enough but it was getting longer every day. For now he concentrated on hanging out with people who had longer hair than he did. Either he thought this might make his hair grow faster or he just wanted long haired people for his next musical project. Whatever the reason he decided to stand near a long haired man called John Mantas and wait for something to happen. Nothing happened, not immediately anyway. Later in an economics lesson Lee couldn’t believe his luck as he saw another person with long hair, a man who appeared to be equal parts 80s Lancashire schoolboy and 60s London rock star. That person was Ali The Tux and not only did he own a guitar it was even rumoured that he might be able to play three or four popular chords.

Quite soon Lee met another interesting (but short haired) character called Crofty, who was interested in Doctor Who but perhaps only because it made him laugh. He was up for hanging out on Saturdays and getting the bus to Preston to go to Thunderbooks to look at comics and old Doctor Who annuals. This was perfect for Lee as he was suddenly newly obsessed with comics having read an article in Raw magazine about how comics were something to do with rock and roll.

The most important thing about Crofty was that he knew John Mantas and was more than happy to be used by Lee as a way to get to know John. Already in Lee’s mind a band was forming with John Mantas on drums, Ali The Tux on guitar and Lee himself on the red flying V. The band seemed to exist mostly in idea space, some members were concerned about the lack of practices, the lack of sound and various other lacks. Some members seemed reluctant to admit they were even in the band. The band was called Armitage Sharks; a poster was produced and there was even a run of T-shirts in extremely limited quantities. Maybe as few as five T-shirts were produced, which was more than enough to satisfy demand.

As well as being instrumental in getting the Armitage Sharks together Crofty also introduced Lee to Gary Money. Lee would stay in touch with Gary for the rest of his life and together they would co-create The Kettlecup Corporation, Knights In Satan’s Service, Jam Factory Records, Los Caballeros Lanzan and Side Project. Starting in 2001 they would produce seven albums and two mix albums in just over 4 years before resuming inactivity for another two decades. But that would all start ten years after this late 80s Armitage Sharks era.

Later still, after the heyday of their success Cabinet and Money would discuss the idea of abandoning music altogether in order to make a documentary about Crofty. They planned to interview his dad who was always referred to simply as “Beard”, and ask him “What was it like having Crofty as a son?“, “Did you ever appreciate how great he was?” and “Did you have any idea how your Victorian attitudes would lead him to develop a new genre of entertainment based on ridiculing people for amusing characteristics they barely even possessed?”

There as so many Crofty stories, probably many that nobody even knows. They should be documented before they are forgotten, that was as good a reason as any for doing a documentary. One of Lee’s favourites was the incident where Crofty rode over a burning pile of coal on a bike, maybe a tricycle. Or the time he did a knock a door run and slipped and fell through the glass. What about the curious incident of the night club chair in the road?

“Where was the night club chair in the road?!”

“In Southport”

“Was there an occasion where everyone looked for him in the club and when they gave up, got kicked out be cause it had ended he was asleep in the road on a chair from the club?”

“I’m not sure but if it did happen it could only happen to Croft”

“The kind of story that although it might not have happened it could only happen to Croft”

“I remember once he went to a cash machine and instead of joining us in the next pub went back to the same seat in the previous pub and went to a nightclub with a group of strangers who took our seats. I think only Croft could do that.”

“Its a common feature that its not possible that a lot of these things could have happened to someone else, in most cases just one of these incidents would be too crazy to happen to most people but he has seemingly limitless ability”

“Miracles on demand might be a good name for the documentary”

“Now he’s in charge of a whole continent for a multinational company”

“Lucky them, which company is it?”

“Its the company that make Ray Bans”

“Think they make loads of things”

“A bit lizard”

“Lizard Corp”

But that conversation was far in the future and the documentary still hasn’t happened at the time or writing. Back in 1988 the most important thing on Lee’s mind was the line up of his new imaginary band which was almost complete, the bass shoes being the only shoes left to fill. There was only one man for the job. By this I don’t mean that Stephen James Minton’s eminent suitability placed him head and shoulders above the competition but that there were only two bass players in the whole college and the other one was a woman. So that made Stephen James Minton the only man for the job. Not that women were banned from Lee’s imaginary bands per se but the woman in question was an unusually cool and extremely tall member of Lee and Ali The Tux’s Economics class called Rachel who was intimidating even to talk to let alone ask to be in a band with a cartoon shark theme. Nevertheless Lee did ask Rachel if she was interested. She thought he was joking but she didn’t laugh, so that was that. Lee asked Stephen James Minton if he would be the bassist for the band. At first it seemed that he was going to object and there was a brief panic because Lee knew there were no more bass players in the college. Luckily it wasn’t an objection at all, just a minor misunderstanding whereby Stephen James Minton had thought he was being asked to be the basis for the band and understandably had not been sure what that meant.

As it turned out Stephen James Minton’s eminent suitability for the position did place him head and shoulders above any (hypothetical) competition, so much so that if he could have formed the basis for the band after all. When looking for a bassist (or a basis) what more could you wish for than a formidable goth with the body of a nightclub doorman and the brain of a professor. Sharing Lee’s love of Gene Simmons and Paul Daniels was the icing on the cake. Lee was astonished to observe that when “towny” BTEC students hurled anti music geek abuse in their direction Stephen James Minton would volley it back at them with a devastating force and precision that was truly awe inspiring. It would come as no surprise that when years later the world needed a professor of anti bullying to make the world a safer place for each and every freak he was the only man for the job. Meanwhile another challenge arose; accompanying Lee to a KISS concert in Bradford. No one but Stephen James Minton would even entertain the thought of grasping such a nettle, once again he was the only man for the job.

Years later Cabinet and Money would discuss the band and the red flying V with Armitage Sharks bass player Stephen James Minton.

Stephen James Minton: “I remember this guitar!”

Lee Holden: “It had a number of strange effects, otherwise perfectly rational people would shout ‘wanker’ at me as I carried around and it seemed to make me always want to play ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’ despite having had no interest in the song prior to owning the guitar. The person who sold it to me eventually bought it back, so it’s obviously a guitar that can exert great psychological power over those that come into contact with it. Some have described it as a magical weapon but following my experiences with it I prefer to use the term ‘cursed artifact’.”

Stephen James Minton: “Good that its properties were clearly more than musical, then”

Barry Material: “Who were the other members of the Armitage Sharks?”

Stephen James Minton: “Me, Lee, Ali The Tux, not sure who else.”

Lee Holden: I can’t remember, Did the singer keep changing? Seem to remember Diane and / or Michelle being given the job. Hard to remember the line up of a band that never had a gig, even harder if they never even had a practice.

Stephen James Minton: “I do remember there was four members from the ‘Pathetic Sharks’ artwork, and I was trying to remember the fourth. If it was Diane, and someone can find Al, then we may as well reform, and continue not practicing.”

Lee Holden: “I don’t think it started with Diane, she replaced someone, could it have been Croft?”

Stephen James Minton: “Could have been, he was a regular feature in that social area. But I had a feeling that all the members could play or at least owned a musical instrument; don’t recall Croft learning Bad Moon Rising with Kev Slater”

Gary Money: “Was there ever a time when all the members were in the same room at the same time?”

Lee Holden: “Somehow I knew you were going to ask that. We had a room especially for bands that were not practicing, it was called Social Area West I think, sounds like something out of Metroid.”

Barry Material: “I’m going to form a band called Social Area West with the same band members as the Armitage Sharks. The only way to leave the band is to kill all the other members.”

Lee Holden: “Hang on if I had a guitar maybe John was the drummer and I was meant to be playing guitar? It’s all a blur.”

Stephen James Minton: “Oh hang on, you could be correct there. So you and Al as guitarists, me bass, John drums - and later Diane and Michelle as singers? What a line-up, surely the greatest band never to pick up their instruments.”

Lee Holden: “That rings a bell, Me, Ali The Tux, Stephen James Minton and John Mantas. if I remember correctly it was John’s inability to accept that he was in the band or even that the band was real that led to it never practicing, like Monkey said ‘With our thoughts we make the world’. At the time it annoyed me that we never played together, but now it seems like our main strength.”

Throughout their careers Gary Money and Lee Cabinet have almost never spoken about themselves or each other, their personal relationship, their working relationship or any secret relationships. This is because nobody has asked and nobody is interested. One exception was at Lee’s Wedding when Gary Money, performing the ceremonial role of worst man had this to say about the Armitage Sharks era and their work together which would follow it.

“Looking at Lee now it is hard to imagine how outlandish he looked in the late 1980s. When I first met Lee in a Runshaw College social area he seemed to combine Eastern mysticism and American sportswear. His hair was golden and long, he drove a gold Ford Escort and also accessorised with a red flying V guitar. A guitar that nobody ever saw him play. He was an excitable young man who always spoke proudly about his band The Armitage Sharks. The remarkable thing about this group was that despite having a back story, a logo and a line of highly collectible T Shirts the band never played together or were ever even in the same room together and at least one band member didn’t know he was ever in the band. Music has always been an important part of Lee’s life, you might not know this but he is an accomplished synthesizer player and in the early noughties we made a series of entirely unsuccessful albums, One of my favourite memories is our first public performance on Southport pier to a crowd of bemused children and homeless people before being removed by pier security.”

Lee Cabinet’s association with non-bands, non-gigs and the non-music scene was not limited to his time in Armitage Sharks, there was also the time he joined Evil Liberties. Evil Liberties was only meant to exist for one gig with a set list of three songs but even that was too much to ask. The gig ended in chaos after two songs and only one of those featured Cabinet on drums. This was a personal best for Cabinet, one half of two thirds of a planned fifteen minute lifespan of one of the most fleeting bands ever imagined. Later Cabinet would join forces with an experimental friend named Hod to form an experimental band called “Touch Not My Mind”. They attempted to write and record an experimental piece of music named “No Such Thing As An Experiment That Fails” but unfortunately they failed. In each case, with each band there was little or no activity, no output, no performances and no legacy; just ideas and logos, doodles and dreams.