Sacrifice

Sacrifice

Step 1- Walk through the corridors. Feel nothing. Say nothing. Ignore the mocking calls of your name. Ignore everything.

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t hugely disliked. I don’t know why they hate me so much. I haven’t done anything to them. I guess being different is a crime, certainly feels like it. I can never tell whether people are genuinely being nice, or just mocking me to laugh about it with their friends later when I’m not around. Or when I am there. Nobody believes me either. I try to explain, but I’m constantly getting brushed off with “Don’t be silly, they don’t hate you. Just try talking to them. You will be fine.” But that’s not true. They do hate me. And I don’t think I would live to tell the tale if I even went anywhere near them, let alone speak to them. Nobody understands. But that’s okay. It doesn’t matter anyway.

Step 2- Enter class. Feel nothing. Say nothing. It’s all a blur.

Step 3- Forget everything. It wasn’t real anyway. It’s all a blur.

Step 4- Home time. Finally. Get in the car. It’s too much. Everything comes out at once. Anger, stress, anxiety. I didn’t mean any of it. I’m sorry.

Sorry. Something that gets said way too often. It doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t change anything. It’s just a word. I’ve said sorry countless times before. Sorry for how I spoke to you. Sorry for not doing that assignment. Sorry for not talking to you anymore. Sorry for not texting back. Sorry for skipping dinner. Sorry for the scale I hid. Sorry for the blades. But I think another sorry might be in order.

But...what if things could be different? What if... everyone could be happier? Everyone else. No one would care. No one would even notice. One less problem for everyone else. One less thing to worry about. They would be happier. One less thing to think about. One less burden to the world.

Sure... they would be happier, but me? I would be ecstatic. Finally free. Floating high, leaving everything behind. Finally happy.

I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Not the sort of thing you want to hear someone my age say. And the thing is, everyone just brushes it off as being dramatic, but it isn’t. All I ever hear is “Don’t be silly, of course you can remember it!” But I truly can’t.

Just one simple decision, that’s all it would take. But it isn’t that simple. What about my family? They are the only people I have left. How will they react when they find my lifeless body? I guess it isn’t really my problem, because after all, I would be gone by then. I would have no consequences to face. Just one simple decision. A sacrifice, of sorts. For the greater good, their happiness. A simpler life for them. A sacrifice. My life for the happiness of everyone around me. A sacrifice to make everything better for them. They will thank me eventually.

A sacrifice, releasing a burden. For the greater good.

Step 5- Find the bottle. It must be here somewhere. Found it.

Stop worrying about it. What could go wrong? There’s enough Diazepam here to send an entire army to sleep. It isn’t going to fail. Why am I so scared to do this? Stop worrying and get it over with.

20 pills fall into my hand. Without giving myself time to think about it, I shove them in and wash it down with water. It’s too late now.

Step 6- And sleep. Forever. Finally free. Finally happy. A sacrifice, to save them. To save their happiness. It will be worth it in the end. Maybe now they will understand me...

I love you... and I’m sorry.