Chapter 1
Yesterday was my birthday. One of my friends gave me an Ouija board as a gift. I said to myself, “Better than a dildo, like last year!” It’s already an improvement, you have to admit... The dildo will become superfluous because the ghosts will become my pain in the ass starting from now on.
So, after the party, I didn’t try the new X-box that some other friends had brought me, but I did try this novelty, which makes you chase pokemons in Hell. I put a few bottles on my neck before starting. I didn’t want to be sober when I meet some dead people in my living room. Otherwise, I can scream too loud and somebody from the block may call the police. But they should call the ghostbusters, not the cops, if they want the mess solved.
Anyway, I was so drunk that everything was spinning around me, not just the Ouija board. I read in those magic letters the following message I had received from the underworld: “We make you rich!” Ha, ha, ha! For a moment I thought I was at one of those motivational speaker conferences. I suppose they’ve all gone to hell and are preaching from there, too. I asked, “Should I buy a lottery ticket tomorrow?” And the answer was, “No, you must drink some poison!” I forgot to laugh. It was getting too macabre for my taste. Maybe it was a joke. Can dead people be sarcastic or not? Good question! Maybe this thing is a clone of an original Ouija board, so it’s full of errors or something. “What poison?“, I asked further. And the answer came immediately: “Love!” Oh, they can be sarcastic, no doubt about it!
So I suppose I’ve to fall in love to get rich. I wasn’t sure whether to become a male prostitute or marry a wealthy widow. Maybe both, to be sure! OK so, let’s ask the name of the victim. So I asked the question about her name. And the answer was, “Pamela!” For a few seconds, I searched memory to see if I knew a Pam. And, bingo, it was one: the old lady next door. But she isn’t rich. Or perhaps she is! Who knows! Until now I’ve avoided her with all my strength. I must pay her a visit. Under the pretext that I want to sell my apartment, maybe she’d be interested in buying it. I’ll tell her that I’m in a big hurry and I’ll ask for half the price. Rich people are always crazy about bargains. So I knocked on the door. She opened it. She was wearing a nightgown. A cheap nightgown - a bad sign!
“I’m sorry to bother you; my name is Chris and I live next door. Would you be so kind as to give me a minute I’ve a business proposition for you!”
“Oh, sure, please excuse my outfit! I wasn’t expecting guests at this hour!”
“Tomorrow I’m meeting with a client who wants to buy my condo, and I wanted to ask you first. I know you don’t have a big family; I mean, you don’t have a family at all, but would you be interested in buying it by any chance? I’ll ask for half the price; I’m kind of in a hurry...! ”
“Oh, you’re such a sweet neighbor; why do you want to go?”
“Really?!”
“Yeah, my niece is in love with you! She keeps asking me all the time to introduce her to you!”
“Do you have a niece?! I thought you were living by yourself!”
“No, she is in her bed right now. You can go into her room and say hello. She’ll be delighted!”
“Are you sure? How old is she?”
“Nine”
“Nine years old?!... And do you want to go to her room?!”
“Yeah, yesterday she was complaining to me all day because you didn’t invite her to your birthday party! She heard the music from your apartment and was so restless!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry about that! But there were no kids at the party! It wasn’t a good occasion for her at all, believe me! Lots of drugs and buzz, so no way!”
“But she wants to marry you!”
“Sorry, what! She’s nine years old, and do you think it’s normal for a little girl to marry a grown man like me?”
“Yes, that’s normal; you’re a very handsome man!”
“Yes, but if I will try to marry your niece, I’d be a very jailed and handsome man!”
“Anyway, go to her room!”
“I’ll, but please don’t call the police!”
I was mesmerized. But I was also pretty sure she lived alone, so this could only be a farce. So I went in the direction she had indicated. I just wanted to expose her dementia, that’s all.
Very carefully I opened the door in front of me. Inside it was dark. I waited a few moments to let my eyes adjust to the dim light. In the middle of the room there was a bed. And on the bed I discovered a Ouija board. At first moment I thought it was my board. But it had a different color, so it was similar, but not the same. Anyway, this coincidence gave me a shiver down my spine. How is that possible?
I heard the same voice from behind:
“I talk to my niece every day! She has the same name as me: Pamela. She died 10 years ago. She drowned in a lake. Now she’s old enough to get married. And she chose you for some reason! You should start talking to her! I can lend you my Ouija board.”
“That won’t be necessary, ma’am; I have my own!”
From that night on, I started chatting with my new girlfriend every day. And I actually got rich as it was predicted to me, because I did publish the story on the Internet and it went viral; I got 10 million subscriptions to my channel.
