Write In My Heart

One of us was going down, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be me.

As we continued moving in a circle around one another, my eyes remained on his. I couldn't break eye contact, that would show weakness. Yet, I was also hyperaware of everything around us. The way the soft mat beneath us squished as we stepped on it, the loud hum of the air conditioning unit, sounds of our teammates as they restlessly sat on the benches waiting to go home.

But, what I was focused most on was him. Not so much on the look in his eyes that was simultaneously playful and screaming "I'm going to rip you in half", but also on his body language. The way his muscles rippled and moved beneath his smooth skin, the way the sweat droplets on his forehead chased each other down his face, and, most importantly, the way his nostrils slightly flared before he decided to make a move. Exactly the way they did in that moment.

I stepped out of his reach as he lunged forward at me, though he barely missed me. Johnathan was fast, criminally so. But it didn't take him long to recover and go for the spot he always aimed for: my legs. I didn't have enough time to fully get out of his way. But, if we were going down, I was going to make sure I was on top. So, just as he grabbed my legs and we were both sent crashing down onto the mat, I took advantage of his crouched position and grabbed onto his back and twisted us, causing me to land on top of him once we landed.

Obviously surprised at my maneuver, he struggled to get out of my grasp, but due to the way I had him pinned down, he wasn't budging. "Good, Asa! Good maneuver,"Couch Henderson said with a few claps as he kneeled down next to us, watching as Johnathan struggled.

"Come on, Johnathan! Find a weak point and break out!" Coach barked, which encouraged him to fight harder.

"Come on, Johnathan," I said in a mocking tone to get to him, "you're only making things worse for yourself," I lowly said through gritted teeth as I invested all of my strength into keeping him pinned down. He was thrashing wildly like a wild animal in a trap, and it was making it harder for me to keep him down. I hadn't expected him to be going so strong for so long.

"Asa, you...know me better than that," he gritted out as he continued struggling. "I always find a way."

Before I could blink, he'd somehow flipped us so that he was on top and I on the bottom, and was applying an uncomfortable amount of pressure on me. But I was being stubborn. I wasn't going to back out when I'd been so close to victory. I struggled against his grip, but he was much stronger than I was, and I didn't have any surprise attacks that would give me the upper hand. Besides, in addition to fighting him, I had to fight my entire being to not physically react to the way his body was pressed flat against mine. And I was losing both of those battles. Badly. "Come on, Asa," he softly whispered in my ear. "You're only making things worse for yourself."

I was sure he'd meant it as a way to irritate me by spitting the words back at me I'd said to him mere moments before, but the combination of his husky voice and the way he said my name just right made my knees weak and my heart race. As he pulled away, his grey eyes bore into mine as a small grin tugged at the edges of his soft looking pink lips.

Good God he was teasing me without even trying.

I was quickly losing my already loose grip on the self control that I had, so, for both of our sake– but mainly mine– I slapped my palm against the mat three times, and his grip on me instantly loosened.

A smile spread across his face. "You're getting good at this, Hill," he said between deep breaths. "You made me break a sweat. Shame I had to wipe the floor with your skinny ass." His body then left mine as he hopped up like a spring and offered me his hand.

"Thanks," I said as I took his hand and allowed him to hoist me up before he slung his arm across my shoulders and led me to the circle that was already forming with my teammates around my Coach. Despite the sweat that formed between our bodies, I felt a chill move through me as he held me. Was there anything inherently romantic about the way he slung his arm around my shoulder? No. But did it somehow make me feel like the most important boy in the world? Absolutely.

"Alright boys, great practice. Keep everything I've said today in mind. You all really need to get better at reading your opponents instead of going straight in. Get some rest, boys and I'll see you tomorrow."

And with that, the group dispersed.

"That was really impressive," Johnathan said to me as we walked and his arm casually slid from off of my shoulders, and I instantly felt small without him, even though I knew I shouldn't have.

"Thanks," I said as we walked into the big smelly locker room. In the corner, I saw Bobby Smith, a boy in the grade below Johnathan and I, plug in his infamous radio. He never went anywhere without it and at the end of every practice, he'd blast it in the locker room, not that anyone minded. Once it was on, it instantly started playing the newest Will Smith song Wild Wild West, causing some of the boy to start rapping along with obnoxious hang movements and dance moves.

"How did you do that?" Johnathan asked after a few moments, pulling my attention away from the spectacle the boys were making of themselves.

Well, I've gotten to know your body pretty well, so it was easy to read, I said in my head, but instead it came out as, "I've trained with you a lot. I know your tells."

He pitched a brow at me as he started taking off his uniform and my throat became dry as I instantly looked away. I could't trust my body not to react. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

I cleared my throat. "Well, uh...your nostrils."

He scoffed as I saw an amused grin decorate his lips. "My nostrils?"

A nervous chuckle escaped my lips. "Yeah. They, well... They flair up right before you make a move, and you almost always go for the legs so you can make your opponent unstable so it seemed pretty obvious really."

After Johnathan didn't say anything, I turned to him to see him looking at me. I felt heat travel to my ears. "What?"

He scoffed again as he shook his head. "Nothin'. You're just a nerd." He ruffled my hair with the light hearted joke, the way he always did, before he finished stripping completely naked, shameless and proud. I once again averted my gaze. "You taking a shower?"

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes. "No...I'll take one at home."

He gently nudged my shoulder. "Always in such a rush to get away, dude." And his assumption wasn't too far off. I almost always went straight from practice home. I've showered in the locker room less times than I can count on one hand in the four years I'd been doing it, and it was not only for my sake, but for the sake of everyone else around me. I knew better than to tempt myself with muscular naked boys. Besides, I'd almost been caught staring once, and that was enough to strike the fear of God into me.

Once I didn't respond, I saw him shrug out of my peripheral. "Okay. Well I'm gonna shower up. I'll see you in first hour, Hill. Tell your family I said hi and that I hope they're well, and give Lucy a rub for me, will ya?"

"Will do," I said, and with that, he gave me a laxed two finger salute and was gone. I found myself letting out the breath I'd been holding as all tension left my body.

That was a close one. If he'd spent even one more moment next to me, I would've been a goner.

My heart was still racing.

Take deep breaths, Asa. You did it. Just breath in and out. In and out, I said to myself as I did just that: I took deep breaths until my heart rate slowed. After that, I wasted no time changing and practically running out of the locker room full of naked guys trying to spank each other.

The walk home was a welcomed mental break. A nice fifteen minute stretch of time where all I had to worry about was if I'd have to extinguish a fire in the kitchen as my mom tried to cook. Or, at least it would've been if Johnathan freaking Banks wasn't running laps through my mind.

I'd known Johnathan ever since I could remember. Our families were really close, and therefore, so were we. He'd been there when I'd lost my first tooth, I was the first person he told when he had his first kiss with Nellie Johnson under the slide in third grade, and he'd been the one to call my mom when I'd slipped trying to teach him how to moonwalk and fractured my arm.

He was also the first crush I'd ever had.

He was the first person to ever make my heart skip a beat.

He was the reason I found out I was gay, a discovery that took me years to finally accept.

And he'd be the last person to know any of that.

I couldn't ruin the relationship we'd carefully crafted over the past eighteen years. Awkwardness, distance, and separation were three things that I couldn't handle if they were between Johnathan and I. We had too much history for that. Too many laughs, too many fights over who cheated while playing video games, too many late nights of advice. I couldn't throw all of that away because I'd made the stupid mistake of falling for him.

I wouldn't.

Besides, even if I wanted to tell him, it wouldn't make a difference because he was in an on-again-off-again "relationship" with Rachel Zhao, a cheerleader that was one of the sweetest girls in the world. And, as if I needed another reason not to come out, I didn't want to be looked at as a walking AIDS or HIV disease, like many other gay people were reduced to. I didn't want the other parts of my identity– my intelligence, my affinity for making really bad jokes, the way I cared about other people– to be stripped away from me because I looked at life through a rainbow lens.

So, I played the role that was expected of me: kiss this girl, go to this party, make a remark about how big a girl's tits are or how round her ass is, even though my attention is on her boyfriend, not her.

I sighed as I pulled my walkman out of my backpack and put my headphones in. Music always helped distract me from the crazy world and my even crazier thoughts. Therefore, the rest of my walk was accompanied by the soothing voices and instruments of Queen.

All too soon, I was walking into my house. The first person, or thing, to greet me was my golden retriever, Lucy. A smile instantly made its way onto my face as I knelt down to her level and pet her. "Hey Lucy-Lu," I gently cooed as I scratched her head, causing a doggy grin to spread across her face. Lucy had been my first friend. My parents had gotten her a little after I was born and she was like my protector. She'd play with me, lay with me, and most importantly. She'd grown with me. She was getting really old, and I was forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that she'd likely die soon, but, instead of being sad, I decided to make every moment I had left with her last. No tears, no pity parties. Just love, long walks, and games of fetch in the backyard.

"Johnathan wanted me to give you this," I said before I gave her a long, slow pet all the way from the top of her head to the tip of her tail. Once I finished and lifted my hand, she jumped and barked as if to say "thank you".

"Mom! I'm home!" I yelled as I walked deeper into the house.

"In here, honey!" She called from what sounded to be the kitchen. I walked through the narrow hallway that led from the foyer into the kitchen to see her standing over the stove cooking what seemed to be some kind of noodles. Her brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail, however, because it was so short, most of it fell out and fell into her face. She, much like my father, was fairly tall, standing at six feet tall, which is partially where I got my six foot two height from. She was a kind, hardworking woman, but make no mistake, if you were to cross her, you'd regret it. Once her gentle eyes landed on me, she smiled before she walked over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Hi, honey."

"Hey mom."

"Come on in, sit. Tell me about your day. Anything exciting?"

I shook my head as I took a seat at the bar. "No, the same old same old."

"How was wrestling? You guys have a match coming up soon, right?"

"Yeah. It went well, ran some fun drills. Speaking of, Johnathan said hi to you and dad, and that he hopes you're doing well."

"Oh, such a sweet boy. Tell him that we say hi whenever you see him again."

"Okay."

"And sweetie?" She said as she turned to me, the expression on her face unsettling me.

"Yeah?"

"Go take a shower. You're stinking up the kitchen, honey, and I don't want the food to taste like wrestling sweat."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

My mom laughed before she used a spatula to wave me off. "Go on, stink monster."

I cringed. "Okay, okay, I'm going. But don't say that. No one says that."

"Whatever you say, stinky," my mom said in a sing-song voice.

I scoffed before I turned and left out of the kitchen. As I headed upstairs to my room, I saw the light on in the room next to mine, letting me know that my favorite person was home.

I gently knocked on the door, and I heard a soft "Come in," from the other side. As I opened the door, I saw my ten year old sister, Alice, sitting on the floor watching cartoons.

"Hey, Rabbit," I said, causing her to whip her head in my direction and a huge smile spread across her face.

"Asa!" She said as she ran over to me.

"Wait, I'm sweaty–"

But it was too late, and she had her arms around me. I chuckled as I hugged her back. Alice made me feel like the coolest person in the world. She treated me like a god and watched everything I did. But little did she know what she was the coolest person ever. I loved spending time with her and watching her eyes light up as she did something she loved.

After a few moments, she pulled away, the light from above catching in her thick round-rimmed glasses as she scrunched her nose. "You stink, Asa."

I rolled my eyes. "That's what I was trying to tell you, but you were already hugging me!"

She pinched her nose. "You need to shower. You're making my nose burn."

"Okay, okay," I relented as I ruffled her hair. "I'm going to shower and I'll see you when mom's done with dinner, okay?"

"Okay!" She said with a big smile. I knelt down and pressed a kiss to her cheek before I left her room.

Within moments, I was standing in the bathroom with the symphony of running water accompanying my racing mind as I stared at myself in the mirror. I'd already stripped down and was studying myself, like I often did. I looked at how my shoulders squared off and how my torso slimmed toward my waist. But I wasn't scrawny, and the the muscles that made themselves known on my stomach, back, and arms made that a well known fact. I looked at the minimalistic tattoos that decorated my ribs: my parents' birthdays on my left side and "Rabbit" for my sister on the right.

I'd been calling her Rabbit for as long as I could remember, mainly because when we'd watched Alice in Wonderland– her namesake– for the first time, she instantly gravitated toward the rabbit and didn't like Alice very much, hence the nickname.

I continued looking down at myself, wondering if I compared to the other boys. Though I tried my best to be out before everyone was fully naked, I'd caught some glances and I couldn't help but feel insecure about myself. Before I'd become hyper aware of other boy's bodies, I'd ben satisfied with myself, but now...not so much. My gaze moved down to my favorite part of my body: my legs. They were strong from years of intense conditioning and sturdy from having a little sister that loved latching onto them. Overall, I was fairly good looking, but there were so many other boys that looked way better, Johnathan being one of them, and no matter how hard I tried not to, I always caught myself comparing.

"You're fine the way you are, Asa. Don't get into your head," I said, trying to affirm the statement to myself, but the doubting seeds were already planted and growing at a steady pace.

Knowing that it was useless at that point, I sighed and climbed into the shower. I didn't spend too much time in the shower, mainly to avoid my incessant thoughts, and before long, I was in my room with a towel around my waist as I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling, a record of Otis Redding playing in the background.

I felt heavy and had no motivation to get dressed in time for dinner. I was still shaken up by how close I'd been to slipping up with Johnathan at practice and my mind couldn't stop diving into the horrible what-ifs of if I'd been caught. Name-calling, bullying, and the vicious end to a beautiful friendship. The very thoughts caused my heart to race and my breath to get caught in my throat.

My internal panic painfully reminded me of the shame and depression I went through once I had to finally face the fact that I wasn't straight. I'd shut myself in for days at a time and couldn't even look anyone in the eye– not even my family– in fear of them somehow knowing my secret. They'd thought it was normal teenage depression, not having a clue as to the struggle I was keeping with. The pain. The hatred. And despite the begrudging acceptance I now had of my identity, it didn't make life easier.

Moments like this was proof.

I just wanted to get swallowed by the earth and never return.

After invoking some of the breathing exercise I'd gathered for my panic attacks and anxiety, I'd calmed down, or at least calmed down the best I could. My mind was still in shambles, but at least my boy wasn't having such a visceral reaction anymore, though I knew that wouldn't last long.

So, I simply decided I was going to go to sleep. If I wasn't conscious, I wouldn't have to deal with my crazy thoughts for at least a few hours. I needed a break, I was exhausted.

After a few moments of internal convincing, I pushed myself to my feet and grabbed a pair of boxers and some basketball shorts before I headed downstairs to get some food to save for tomorrow.

When I wandered back into the kitchen, I saw that my father was there standing behind my mother with his hands around her waist as he watched her finish up. My parents were super in love, sickeningly so. Even after being together since middle school and being married for over twenty years, they still looked and acted like they'd just gotten married yesterday. And though they sometimes made me want to throw up in my mouth, I couldn't help but envy what they had. Hopefully some day I'd have that with a special boy, if it ever became legal. And if it did, a selfish part of me hoped that special boy would be Johnathan.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, my heart dropped knowing that my wishful thinking would only get me hurt. My future likely consisted of getting married to a girl I didn't really love and having kids just to fulfill my parents' wishes of being grandparents before they're "old and saggy" as my father had put it. There would likely be a divorce somewhere down the line, and my secret would likely get out, likely leaving me on my deathbed sad, alone, and full of regret.

Yeah, I really needed to get to bed before my thoughts spiraled more than they already had.

"Hey, dad," I greeted before I instantly cleared my throat as my voice trembled. "How was work?"

"Hey, son," he said with a bright smile as he wrapped his arms around me. "Work was good, nothing too crazy. Just corporate America at its finest."

I nodded as the hug broke and my father looked at me with furrowed brows. "You going to bed this soon, sport?"

This made my mother turn and look at me. "But dinner will be ready in like five minutes."

I rubbed the back of my neck as I looked down. "Yeah, sorry, all my exhaustion just hit me at once, and I'd really not fall asleep face first in the food." I added a small chuckle at the end to hopefully sell it before I looked up at my parents.

My mother sighed. "Alright, sweetie, get some rest. I'll set some aside for you in the morning."

"Thanks mom." And with that, I turned to leave.

"Wait," my dad called, causing me to stop and turn around.

"Yes?"

"Tell me about your day right quick. Anything exciting? Any girls catching your attention?"

I rolled my eyes. "My day was the same as always, and no dad, there aren't any girls catching my attention. Can I please go now? I really need to sleep."

"Alright, get on out of here," he said as he waved me off, and I wasted no time practically running upstairs.

I gave my sister a quick goodnight hug, which was accompanied by her disappointment that we wouldn't be watching cartoons after dinner like we usually did, before I all but ran into my room, switched off the lights, and buried myself under my sheets.

As I stared at the ceiling, I found myself whispering into the silent air. "Hey You," I said, addressing the universe and whatever God or gods were listening. I didn't subscribe to a specific religious belief, but I did believe that there was something or someone out there, and so, I took this time to talk to them. "I need help. I'm...I'm in love with this boy but he can never find out. And no matter how hard I try to move past him or block out the thoughts I have about him that I shouldn't be having...I still end up back at him. It's not like I can avoid him or anything because he's one of the most important people in my life but... I don't know. It feels like torture every time I'm around him, wanting to kiss him but can't. What should I do?"

I looked to the ceiling for an answer, but unsurprisingly, got none. I scoffed. "Playing the silent game again, huh? Well, thanks I guess."

With that I turned on my side and closed my eyes despite the fact that it was three hours before my normal bed time and that there were still rays of sun dying the sky a beautiful dark purplish color. But luckily, as my mind and body started winding down, I felt the momentary sense of relief I'd been fiending for since wrestling practice, and I wandered into a nice deep sleep where I dreamt about Johnathan and I being tucked away in one of the pillow forts we'd built as children, and what it would've been like to kiss him.

***

Hey y'all! Welcome to "Write In My Heart", the final story of the "In My Heart" series! If y'all have read Tear In My Heart, you'll recognize the names of "Hill" and Johnathan as being Noah's writing teacher and his husband. I'm really excited for this story and I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I am! Let me know what you think in the comments!

Life update: film school has taken over my life but...I might be working on getting the "In My Heart" series published!! It's going to be a long process and I have a long road of rewrites and edits ahead of me, but seeing how many of y'all love the series really makes me happy and I wanna be able to get it physically in your hands. I'll keep y'all updated and I'll see you guys soon!

Love y'all, Jordan :)