Prologue
My life has always been a mad rush from my dramatic entrance 33 years ago to now.
My mother had a terrible time during my birth, she lost so much blood that she nearly died and never let me forget it.
“Have some respect, Lily; I nearly died giving birth to you!” As an outgoing, rule breaking teenager I heard that line repeatedly. When I become a mother myself the line was adapted into “Giving birth to you traumatised me for life, so much so that I couldn’t have any more children.”
Her statements were always cutting, and they tore deep at my soul, I always felt very unwanted by my mother I guess a little unloved. To everyone else around her she was the woman whose heart was open to all; she was a hopeless romantic but had only ever slept with my father, something to this day I still don’t understand. Her morals on life and love were high and I knew I would never reach the bar she set and so we would clash constantly.
I swore I would never turn into my mother, so did all I could to be the person she wasn’t. I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve like she did, I wasn’t a hopeless romantic and I certainly didn’t give my heart to one person. In fact, I closed off part of my heart off completely not wanting to get drawn into all that nonsense. I guess now, I will never know if I am like her.
As a child I was nothing special, short, and plump with mousey blonde hair which hung in waves to my waist. I was neither popular nor unpopular just an inbetweener, I liked it like that. By the time I left university I had blossomed into a sexy young woman, I let my hair fall in natural waves and my weight suited my height and frame. I was no longer an inbetweener I was someone everybody wanted to know.
I had several boyfriends but my mum’s sticking to one man rule haunted me, and I could never seem to settle. My eye’s always wandering, always looking for the next Mr. Right. I wasn’t an angel, but I wasn’t a slag either, I didn’t see any wrong in what I was doing, and neither did anyone else, everyone loved me for me. I disregarded every moral my mother had tried to instill in me, by being the person she wasn’t, she certainly wouldn’t be happy with me.
I remember a friend once saying I was the definition of mischief and that I was, I loved the thrill of the chase, but I didn’t like to hurt people, my heart wasn’t completely switched off, and I would always back off when I thought that might happen.
I wasn’t cold as you might be thinking, I was looking for the one, it’s every girl dream of love and being loved, don’t they? I was just having fun along the way.
I did meet the person I thought was the one, but even then, I felt guarded, smothered by the thought of one man for the rest of my life, and the way I behaved during our time together, was the wakeup call I needed, it changed my attitude on life, love and me forever.
