Journey of tears .

by Bulumko Menumenu .

I KILLED MY OWN MOTHER .

i was a top student at COSAT and i was doing grade 12 that year . My mother & i did not have much but we were both trying . She would always say " Ezile my child you're the only one that wil take us out of this poverty " & i would smile because that kept me going . i had a friend named Thina & i recently met her . our personalities were very different but then she was only one that understood me . she liked having fun & no weekend passed without her having fun & drinking alcohol & i was a totally opposite of her because i never tasted alcohol in my life . She always said to me , you should visit me on weekends & i will show you places & this other weekend i decided to visit her . i had to lie to my mother & say im going to library with a friend & she agreed . i took my school bag with me & i was carrying some clothes to change . when i arrived to her , she already had prepared an outfit for me & dudeee it suited me even though i was uncomfortable on it . i looked like a prostitute but hayi wethu she kept giving me compliments till i felt a little bit confident . we got to this place & it looked like a night club and we headed to a table with men that looked like wealthy businessmen & we kinda enjoyed ourselves . i was drinking everything that was on the table & i ended using drugs too . i woked up next to an old man that could be my dad the next morning & all i needed was coke ( drugs ) & i was okay . this man that i don't even know his name dropped me at my home & i had already cooked some lie to tell my mom & she believed me .

i had not just changed but i was not attending school too , i became a drug addict & my mother never suspected anything up until she walked on me sniffing some & all she said was " undiphoxile mntanam " & she collapsed , that was the end of her .

I KILLED MY OWN MOTHER .

KUNGENXA YAKHO MAKAZI .

i loved my parents to death & i wouldn't trade them for anything . they were the best parents but umakazi was the one owayeyingxaki . She had many liabilities & she depended on my mother paying them for her .

she was living with us in our home & she was a drunkard . my mother tried to take her to rehabs many times but umakazi would escape & come back to us . she had a problem of gambling & she was a well known " Gambler " . she could steal a R100 & gamble with it but this did not end there , she lost her a husband few years ago & she claimed her policies . she then took ALL the money and gambled with it but she lost . she now did not have money to burry her husband & she was forced to take a loan from a loan shark that was also a drug dealer . she took R25 000 & she buried her husband .

Months passed & she was not able to pay back the money , the loan shark would come to our home & threaten to kill us all if she does not pay back his money . umakazi would say " no marn it's not a big deal , i don't fear a toothless dog , iʼll pay back his money soon " but she knew that was impossible . I was in my room studying when this all happened , i only heard gun shots and my heart raced . i rushed to the living room and i found them lying in a pool of blood , KUNGENXA YAKHO MAKAZI .

BENDIMTHANDA .

falling in love with him was the dumpest decision iʼve ever made in my entire life .

i was doing my second year in university & i was in a serious relationship with this gent . we had dated for 3 years and our fourth anniversary was coming up . he used to call me every night & we would chat for about 1 hour . he would even visit me in rez & we would spend a day together . he showered me with love everyday to a point where by i was blindfolded by love . my friends would say " there's no gent that is loyal friend " but i would just laugh at them because i knew my Siphe would never do that to me little did i know i was being played .

our fourth year anniversary day arrived & his phone was off the whole day , i tried calling him thousands times & it would just go straight to voicemail . i was panicking because that was unlike him & i tried contacting one of his friends Sbu . Luckily i got hold of him & when i asked him about where my Siphe was he just said " you don't know ? " & giggled . I was confused about what was going on & he told me to check his whatsapp status & all i saw was my Siphe proposing to his so called female bestfriend . he did it , he left my heart shattered into small pieces , he left me with permanent scars , BENDIMTHANDA .

ABAZALI BAM DISOWNED ME BECAUSE I LOVE THE SAME GENDER .

my parents were old fashioned & that's what i resented about them . they could not understand the certain stages i was going through as a teenager . everytime i did something wrong my mom would say " ewe ,it's these boys that are distracting you " little did she knew i was attracted to girls .

it was my first day at school & i was a new comer at grade 9 . i had no friends or anyone i was familiar with so i was just all by myself . i tried to enjoy my day hanging all by my self even though it was difficult but yeah i tried . days passed & i was starting to enjoy my school days bit by bit .

at school , during maths lesson , our math teacher came up with an idea of grouping people 2 by 2s & i was grouped with this fineee light skinned girl . she was mad gorgeous & everytime i glanced at her , i would get goosebumps . she was very friendly & we worked perfect together . we ended up being friends & we would study together . she would come to my home & we would just chill . i started thinking about her almost everytime , in everything i do , i would think about her perfect smile . i started catching feelings for her & it seemed like she felt the same way . this other day she visited me unexpected & i was kinda nervous around her . we chatted & we ended up kissing . we made our way to my bedroom & there were loud moans but the rest is history . my mother walked on us & she was shouting " what the hell is happening in my house! " i quickly got up and dressed while i tried explaining to her what was happening but all she said was " i do not have a child that will do demonic things " . i tried telling her that i can't live a lie , i can't date with people im that im not even attracted to but all she said was i have demons . i tried even explaining to my dad that this is normal & they said they cannot live with a person that is gay , they said it was either them or my self & i chose my self , THEY DISOWNED ME BECAUSE I LOVE THE SAME GENDER .

TILL WE MEET AGAIN MY CHILD .

i was doing grade 10 when i started dating with this gent . he was everything i needed & i trusted him with my everything .We were literally so in love together & he even introduced me to his parents .everyday he was nagging about wanting to meet my parennts & i kept making excuses all because i knew that when my mother could find out that i am dating , it would be the end of me , she could kill me by her own hands as she always said " if you would dare & start dating lisa , i would kill you with my bare hands " & i knew that she's capable of doing that . days went by & i decided to visit him . We slept together for the first time & i regretted it . i decided that we keep it a secret because i was ashamed of it . he seemed pissed off about my request but i just did not mind him . days went by without us talking , he was mizing my texts & i was already losing it , things went down hill when i vomited for the first time in a while & my mother was saying " you are pregnant " but i did not mind her because i knew she was just saying .

things worsened when i was moody all of a sudden , i was vomiting everyday and i decided to take pregnancy test . it came back with 2 lines & i knew that i had to abort my child because my mom was going to kill me . i knew a place that was doing illegal abortions & i decided to visit it . i didn't even think twice before making my decision , i did it , i killed my own child . TILL WE MEET AGAIN MY CHILD .

YOU DID ME WRONG , BUT AFTER ALL I STILL LOVE YOU .

our relationship was the most precious thing to me . it was like my first & my last baby in the whole world . you were the only person that made sense to me .

being in a relationship with you was the only thing that mattered to me but you did me wrong . you cheated with my friend & i forgave you . you continued abasing my dignity by your dirty doings & i turned a blind side to your doings . you promised me heaven & earth but you served me hell . i forgave you many times and right when i was about to abdictate you came back to me & you said I was the only person that mattered you & i believed you because i loved you . my friends warned me many times about you but you just made me believe that they were too toxic for me . you betrayed me and married my bestfriend & you made believe that i pushed you to make that decision & i blamed my self . no day passed without i harming my self . no day passed without i having suicidal thoughts , i ended up in hospital fighting for my life all because of you , YOU DID ME WRONG BUT AFTER ALL I STILL LOVE YOU .

UBOMI BUNDIXHELILE BANDONZAKALISA .

whenever i get flashbacks of those days i just ask my self millions questions , i just hope you could experience a painful slow death because you deserve it as the monster that you are .

it was the 2nd of November , Saturday morning when my mother worked a night shift for the very first time since she was employed . i was not pleased about that because i was not used to that but then i ended up being okay with it because my father was also going to be around . hours elapsed & my mother went to work . my dad went out with his friends and i was all alone in the house . i stayed up all night and i was woken up by a loud noise that came from the door . someone was banging thr door & i must have dozed off . i quickly got up & i went to open the door & guess what ? it was my father , he was drunk , he was someone i could barely recognize . he closed the door and made this way to my bedroom , i followed him as i was confused & when we got there , he forced himself into my self and all i did was to cry . i cried begging him to stop but he continued . i cried till there were no tears left .

he did that up until it was in the morning . my mother came back and i had to pretend everything was okay . days went by & my own father had turned into a monster . he raped me each and everyday and my mother did not notice anything . everyday I would cry my lungs out and ask God why my own father did that to me but i would not get any answers . i drank each and everyday & no type of drugs had not been to my nose and i turned into a victim of substance abuse because of my own father , my hero and the only first man that broke my heart . i got pregnant 5 times & guess what ? i aborted them all .

months passed & i was still his sex slave but this time around i was not getting pregnant anymore & on top of that , it didn't hurt anymore , it just became a norm & i was used it . one day he went out with his friends again and i escaped . i ran away & i never looked back .

10 years later , i was married to my favorite person in the world . i never thought i could trust a man again after what i went through 10 years back but each and every day he was giving me reasons to trust him , meeeyn ! he was treating me so well . things became sour when he wanted a son that could carry his legacy & i knew i could not bare any child because my womb was damaged . i decided not to tell him & he tried so hard to make me fall pregnant but i did not . we tried everything , but still nothing worked up until on of his friends advised him to take a SECOND WIFE . i was not pleased about these news because i knew very well what was going to happen to me , but i had no say , because he made it clear that the decision was final !

10 months later the second wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy & i was envious . i pretend to be happy with them while i was planning to kill the second wife . i was busy talking to the phone when my husband walked to me & he heard everything ! all he just said was " anditshatanga mbulali kemna " & the next minute , he was throwing my clothes outside , my bags , my shoes & everything that belonged to me .

i had nowhere else to go other than sleeping under the bridges . i became homeless & nothing other hurting my self crossed my mind and i did it without any hesitation .

20h30 , 05 october , she wrote , ngenene UBOMI BUNDIXHELILE BANDONZAKALISA .

MY FIRST LOVER .

it was a biggest weeekend around September & i decided to go to groove with my school friends . It was my first time going to groove so i was kinda nervous that what if i do embarassing things , what if i drink too much till i end up saying yes to everything , my mind was all over the place , i was just overthinking but then i told my self whatever happens happens . It was then around 19:30 & i texted one my friends Siwe to come and fetch me because i was already done dressing . She came by & we went straight to the groove . When we arrived there they had already started , so we just joined & enjoyed ourselves . around midnight i bumped to this gent because i was all over the place & he just gave me a smirk . Days went by & each and everyday i was thinking about him & my biggest wish was to meet with him again . this other day i decided to take my self out and i saw him again . my stomach was a garden full of butterflies when he approached me & greeted . we chatted & we ended switching numbers . no day passed without us chatting & being on a phonecall . he became my coping mechanism & i was falling for him everyday .till this other day when i went to visit him & i found him in bed with my bestfriend ; the one i was venting to everyday , the one i was excitedly texting when we became official with this gent , everything was happening simultaneously & i panickly took a knife and i stabbed both of them to death then i hanged my self .

BETRAYED BY MY OWN FLASH & BLOOD .

being raised by a single father was the most difficult thing my sister & i had went through . our mother died just after she gave birth to my little sister as she had complications during her pregnancy .

my sister & i were very close . there was nothing that could come between us as we called each other " bestfriends " . there was nothing that she hid from me & so did i . she was doing grade 11 as i was doing grade 12 .

it was Saturday morning , when i woke up & i decided to go for a jog . i got up , fixed my bed & i showered . after 20 minutes i was done abd i went out leaving a note that was saying " i went out to jog , just to clear my mind " then i left . As i was jogging i felt a little bit dizzy and i decided to sit down . I started seeing blurry and i knew something was wrong with me . I tried to pull my self together and the next minute i knew i was in this chaotic place with bright lights . I had an oxygen on my mouth so it just

became obvious that i was in hospital . i smiled when i saw my dad and my sister entering the room and my sister gave me a big hug . i tried sitting up although my body was sore but i continued . we chatted and our conversation was disrupted by the doctor , she had a smile on her face as she said she brought me good news . I confusedly said " spill them out " and she said " congraaaatulations ! you are going to be a mother soon ". My heart stopped beating for a moment as i was astonished and nothing came out of my mouth as the doctor walked away . Now i was left with my father and my sister looking at me with some " we want explanations " looking faces . I just turned to look on the other side of the bed and i covered my self with blanket .

I was discharged at the hospital and each and everyday I was thinking about how i was going to raise this child alone in this home situation as I came to decide to terminate my baby . The following day i went to the clinic accompanied by my sister and it didn't take long as i thought it would but then it was done .

Days and weeks went by and i noticed that at school everyone was looking at me funny . I just thought it was a coincidence as I did not mind them up until they started pointing at me . I was confused about what was going on and I was told to check the school's whatsapp group . I saw a text that was from my sister telling the school how I terminated my child just because i did not know the father of my baby . I was very angry and she just told me " what happens in the dark always comes to light " the way I was so hurt , I couldn't even hold my tears , I felt them running through my cheeks and I rushed at home . The next thing I knew were my thighs and wrists being drawn . My sister entered the room and all i asked her was why and her response was " you were always the favorite one , the innocent one & the well mannered child while i was the bad one ". I was battling with my mind not to do what it wanted me to do but then i just couldn't bare the pain , I went to the living room to a box where our pills for everything were kept and I did it not because i wanted to die but I just wanted to ease the pain , I WAS BETRAYED BY MY OWN FLASH AND BLOOD .

NKANYEZI YAM .

My mother went through a lot when she was pregnant with me , she faced many difficulties as my dad died while my mother was still pregnant and now the pregnancy was her responsibility . She could not cope alone to a point where by she almost lost her baby . Her whole life turned upside , she was going through the darkest phase in her life and she had no one by her side . She had lost hope and just right when she was about to give up , i was born , she was so excited and she named me " NKANYEZI " as she said i brought light to her . Years went by and she was so happy that I was so precious to her . She always said " treat people the way you would want to be treated , because mna my child , i will leave this world soon and you will be left all alone , it will be you against the whole world " I would just laugh because I thought she was just saying up until I was at school when i received the news that my mother was admitted at the hospital . My teachers rushed me to the hospital as i was panicking . I was then told that she was diagnosed with lung cancer few years back but she did nothing about . Now it all made sense , her daily motivations and her not wanting to visit the hospital . I was told that she could make it and she could not make it . My day just became the worst , I was next to her each and every day till she was taken to do a surgery . I was so happy that she was going to be okay finally and few hours after she came back . She looked so much better and I was very excited , we chatted and she was telling me how much she loved me . Everything happened simultaneously but all i remember was her voice shouting " nkanyezi yam ! nkanyezi yam ! " and the machines went off . I was told there were complications that were done during her surgery & indeed landitshonela emini ilanga that day .

THE WORST NIGHTMARE .

i cried my lungs out as my child was losing her breath as she was suffering from asthma . I watched her slowly suffocating as it had not clicked to my mind that I had to help her , that she was dying . My child was not saying any word as she slowly lost her breath and her heart was beating so fast , now it finally came to me that my child was dying . She needed to be taken to hospital but the condition that she was already in , she was not going to make it but i just called the emergency ambulance and i was told they were on their way . I was pacing up and down as i did not know what to do because no type of her asthma pumps worked , the neighbors were already here as the house became chaotic . The ambulance arrived sooner than I expected it and she was taken to hospital . On their way , my daughter lost her her life ! i screamed my lungs out , as tears filled my cheeks .

I was woken up by a loud crying baby & my cheeks were filled with tears . My baby was alive & okay as it reminisced in my mind that it was all a dream , indeed THE WORST NIGHTMARE .

PAIN IS MY ONLY HOME .

at the age of 12 i was diagnosed with heart failure , that very same year i lost both my parents in a car accident . after this , i saw no reason to live , i felt futile . after my parents funeral , my aunt sold their house - my home , forcing me to live with them .

my name is nizibone minto , 17 years of age and currently residing in cape town - khayelitsha to be specific with my aunt , her husband and their 2 kids . ever since i lost my parents i have been nothing but an unpaid worker' or rather a slave ; even forced to leave school and do all house chores .

everyday i prayed and hoped that it was a nightmare . i'd have flashbacks of all the good times my late parents and i had and cry , only my pillow knows how fatigued i am . one day , everyone was away and i was left alone - as usual , my aunts husband came early from work , drunk . i was in the bathroom bathing , he pushed the door open & the next thing i can remember was me begging him to stop , he covered my mouth with his hand so that i wouldn't make a noise , after he was done he forced me to bath and threatened to kick me out of his house should i ever tell anyone or talk about this . i had nowhere to go & that was a advantage to him ; i kept quiet .

i kept telling myself that 'maybe it was because he was drunk' until he forced himself on me sober as a judge . my aunt walked in on us & stopped him , asking for explanations ; he just looked at her while wearing his pants and walked out . "maybe if you weren't naked in his house he wouldn't have forced himself on you" ; those were my aunts exact words as she walked out of my room , she stood at the door and looked at me , she threatened that if i ever told anyone i'd be homeless ; she didn't want her kids to grow up knowing their father as a rapist & besides , he paid all the bills so if i told anyone he'd kick us all out . i kept quiet for the sake of everyone . this went on for months until i found out i was 6 months pregnant ; it was too late to terminate . the pregnancy was again my fault because i could've prevented . three months later i had severe stomach cramps ; my aunts & her husband told me to take a taxi to hospital while they drive there because i was going to dirty their car . luckily my neighbour took me there . when i got there i was told my baby wasn't breathing , he died . i was blamed for the death of my child but a part of me was happy that he didn't make it , because how was i going to tell my child that he was a product of rape ; what if he had his fathers resemblance ? and looking at him would bring back all these memories . when i got home the rest of the family had already known - that i had a boyfriend ; got pregnant & had an abortion ; thats what they told the family .

my aunt's husband developed anger issues because he had always wished to have a son & i killed him ; a part of me believed that i killed my own son . everytime he felt angry ; i became his punching bag - to pay back his sons life . not only was i a domestic slave but also a sex slave and a punching bag . this went on for about 3 years & i couldn't take it anymore . one day when he came from work ; he tried forcing himself on me as usual but this time i waited for him with a knife and made sure to stab him to death ; when my aunt & her 2 daughters came back ; they called the police . my side of the story wasn't listened to as usual & i spent 6 months in prison but atleast deep down i know that there is minus one monster in the world . i killed him myself & i dont regret it . at least deep down i knew that there was minus one monster in the world .

DEPRESSION

I still remember it like it was yesterday.I watched him everyday of my life,making her his punching bag.It was like a horrible nightmare that will turn into a beautiful day the next day.Yes,that's how their marriage was.They would quarrel for a while and then he would start beating her up She would scream and scream until her voice could no longer come out.The next day she would wake up with bruises all over her face and then hide it with extra make up.I would talk to her and tell her to walk out of this marriage,instead she stayed and said "Emshadweni kuyabekezelwa".The next day they would pretend like nothing happened but at night,I would start hearing screams and punches,I would put earphones to try and avoid hearing the noise.Days and weeks passed and one night,he started beating her and strangling her until she took her last breath,I cried and cried,realizing that I was now motherless.He tried to convince me that it's not what he wanted to do but guess what,he did it.He killed my mother.He was arrested for murder and then I was taken by my grandmother.I started by cutting my wrists and wanting to feel pain.It clicked into my mind that I was not just depressed but I was suicidal too .

Cutting my wrists became my coping mechanism . I turned the cuts into an art . It went far as i cutted my thighs too . I was diagnosed with dysphoria but it was just hard to accept it . my mother's screams kept sinking in and in , in my head until i did it . I took a dose of pills and all i wanted was to ease the pain . I never meant to inflict any pain to my grandmother but i just couldn't cope with it . My dad snatched my life out me .

HEAVEN COULDN'T WAIT FOR YOU .

waking up next to you everyday was the amazing thing i have experienced . Being babied by you was my favorite thing in the whole world . i still remember receiving the news like it was yesterday .

i had dated with this guy for 1 year and i was mad inlove with him . He was everything i asked for and more . This other day he called me and said he had a surprise for me , i must prepare my self and wait for him . He arrived and he was damn looking good . We went to this place and he had prepared some picnic for us . I enjoyed it and on our way back home there was this girl that kept on calling him . He dropped it for the first time and for the second time . For the third time i said he must answer it , he answered it and all he said was " hayi yiwrongo number " and I could hear that the girl was busy shouting but he dropped the call . When i asked him who was that he said " it's none of your business " and I was like oh okay . We continued with our journey and he dropped me off at my house and i didn't even say goodbye to him because i was mad at him .

2 days passed and he hadn't called since that day . A lot was going on , on my mind , telling me that whatever i had with him is over but i kept on ignoring it . I decided to take my self out and get some fresh air and i met this handsome gent named Athi . We both clicked and we flirted here and there to a point where by i forgot that I am in love with someone . We switched numbers and oh ! his hands were damn cleaaan and beautiful .

2 weeks after i met that gent , my boyfriend called and told me that he missed me and he wants to see me . I was not in a mood to see him so i told him i was sick and he understood . Later that day he called and i told him instead of getting better im just worse , while i was with the guy i recently met . He didn't say a word instead he just dropped the call. It was around 12 midnight when i heard a knock on the door . I confusedly went to open and it was Imbasa , my boyfriend , he was busy all over me saying " i missed you my love haybo " and i could smell alcohol all over him so i just knew he was drunk . Now i was in a mess , because my other so called guy was here , now this one just barged in here . I heard Athi's voice shouting " what the hell is going on there " and he showed up . When Imbasa saw him , he just became frustrated and he said " i trusted you ". I tried explaining to him that nothing was going on between Athi and I , we were just friends and all I wanted was him to have a taste of his own medicine . To feel how it feels for your own person to be busy flirting with other people . Imbasa became frustrated and he just went out . I was fighting the urge to follow him but Athi just stopped me . 2 hours later and it was past 2 ; I received a call that was saying " am I speaking to Imbasa's girlfriend " and I said " yes " they told me that he was involved in a car accident and unfortunately he did not make it . My heart just stopped for a moment and all I remember was waking up in hospital by a doctor asking " how are you feeling ? " and it clicked again that he was no more , I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE .

I cried in my hospital bed as I remembered that I had lost the love of my life.Days went by and I had made peace with the fact that I had lost him and it was partly my fault.One day I decided to visit his family home and what I met nearly killed me .I found a girl wearing black clothes.She claimed to be Imbasa's wife to be.Imbasa had proposed to her two weeks after he met me.Apparently I was the side chick that took away her fiancé.She was the one for him and not me.I then remembered slapping Athi telling him to forget about me because I partly blamed him.I left that house with my heart torn into pieces.He had played me and then left me to pick up the pieces.Indeed heaven couldnʼt wait for you because they took you before you could make things clear to me .