My Mind Isn't My Own

I was only trying to help… but they always called me a monster. Every day was the same. I would dread waking up and then start getting ready for my routine day, but this day seemed different. It felt as if the Earth had fallen off of its axis, it seemed as if there was whispering at the back of my head telling me to change the day… because even if I tried, I would never be ready for what happened next. I thought it might have just been a migraine, so I took some medicine and continued getting ready. A couple of hours later, I arrived at the workshop and the only odd thing was, I had misplaced my black and white screwdriver, which I had never lost before, but I brushed it off and forgot about it soon after.

A bit later, I heard the voice again. It seemed as if it was warning me and telling me to run, to hide away at my house, never to be seen again. It sent chills down my spine this time, but I continued to ignore it. I kept on with my normal day. There weren’t many customers that day which was strange since Thursday is the busiest day of the week. But I brushed it off because there might have been an event that everyone was at that I just hadn’t heard of. Near the evening time, a lady who seemed to be in her 50’s suddenly appeared on the shop floor screaming in agony. I ran over to her and suddenly noticed a pool of blood on the floor and blood covering her clothes. I quickly went to grab a cloth, but some strange gentleman in a suit appeared and pushed me down. When I looked back a few seconds later, they were both gone. The room was barely lit, so all I could see was an item on the floor. It seemed it was my screwdriver. But it wasn’t black and white anymore, it was dark red and covered in blood. I stood there in shock before I finally got the courage to inspect it closer. But as soon as I picked it up, it was completely clean. There was no longer a trace of the lady, the gentleman, or the blood. I thought I might have taken the wrong medication this morning or maybe I had truly lost my mind, but I continued to finish the workday until I could go home and sort everything out. Later that evening, I was too exhausted to remember what had happened earlier that day and instead took a nap, to which when I awoke, I thought everything must have been a nightmare until I turned on the news. The newscaster stated that a lady who was on trial for multiple robberies had been mysteriously attacked and bled out from a stab wound. I thought little of it until they showed a picture of a lady in her 50s that looked quite familiar. Then I realized she was the lady from the workshop. That was it, I thought. I had truly lost my mind. I kept thinking I had done everything right. What did I mess up? I don’t deserve this. Who would? No one deserves to be betrayed by their mind. Then I remembered… that stupid voice. It was only the beginning of my insanity.

The whispering didn’t even sound like my own. It sounded like a familiar voice, but I couldn’t think of whose. The voice sounded soft and friendly but also urgent like I had to listen to it to save myself from tragedy. I decided to get some rest and figure out what to do about all of this when the workshop was closed over the weekend. The next day felt different as well, but why wouldn’t it when you’re losing your mind? The voice seemed to be gone by this point, which was a good sign. I did my normal morning routine and went off to work. As soon as I stopped at a stoplight, the voice came back louder than last time, telling me to turn around and not look back. After the voice finally went silent again, I realized there were 5 cars behind me honking their horns because the light had turned green. I kept on my way to work and ignored all the warnings from the whispering. I only had today, which was a calm Friday, or so I thought, after today I could close the shop and figure out why I’m hallucinating.

I continued to put my headphones on to make sure the voice didn’t come back, but as I was closing the hood of a car, my music stopped and all I heard was static as I jumped back from fear. In the passenger seat of the car, there was a young boy. I couldn’t tell his approximate age because he seemed to have third-degree burns all over his body. I couldn’t even tell if he was breathing, but the next thing I knew, the gentleman in the suit from yesterday appeared and punched me square in the nose. My eyes started tearing up, and everything was a blur. As soon as everything was clear again, the young boy and gentleman were both gone. The only thing left in the passenger seat was a match and an empty gasoline tank. This can’t be happening. None of this is real. It just can’t be, I thought. I closed the shop early and headed home before I lost my mind even more. I couldn’t hear the whisper but I could feel it wanting to say, “I warned you, you should have listened before it was too late.” Too late?, it can’t be true, there has to be a way I can stop this. “There’s always a solution, even to things that seem impossible,” my best friend used to say. The gentleman in the suit looked similar to my best friend, and the whispers sounded like their voice. I must just be hallucinating about my best friend because I miss them. I am losing my mind, but how could a hallucination cause me to be pushed back and get hit? I have so many questions. I have always stayed in line and helped others when I could, so why is this happening to me? Am I going mad? The first step is getting home and researching if a hallucination can feel so real that you can feel someone touch you, even if they aren’t even there. The moment I got home, I rushed to my computer to do research. I found a website that says people stated that they felt someone touching them even when no one was there, but all those people are getting psychiatric help now. I can’t let anyone know about this because then I’ll lose my job and everything I care about. A couple of hours passed after more research; I watched the news. The newscaster mentioned a young boy who is on life support from a house fire. The police believe it was no accident and was caused by the same person who attacked the older lady yesterday. I thought, no way, that’s the same boy I saw in the car. It can’t be. But sure enough, they showed a picture of the poor young boy and he looked the same as the young boy I saw earlier in the day.

This can’t be happening. No, it can’t. There’s no way. This is impossible. As my mind was racing, the voice came back. It was clearer than ever what it said, “You’re a monster, you should have listened, but now all that has happened is your fault.” “NO” I screamed, “There’s no way this could be my fault, I would never hurt anyone.” I started sobbing at this point. I couldn’t believe that my mind would fool me.

I refuse to believe that I did this. It had to be somebody else. I will find out who it was and show that I’m a good person and only fight for justice. The only other suspect I could think of was the gentleman in the suit, but was he even real? I can’t trust my own eyes anymore. I need to find a new way to prove if they were real or not. I needed to continue my research and find out why I saw these two specific people. A little later, I found out they were both on trial. The lady was accused of robbing houses and they accused the young boy of poisoning his stepfather. “Fighting for justice, huh? Just like the murderer seems to be doing,” I could hear the whispering say in a monotone voice. I fight for justice but not in that way, right? I wouldn’t… or would I? No, no one deserves that, even if they’re a criminal. “You can’t hide your thoughts from me” I heard the voice say but in a smug tone this time. It’s true, I can’t hide anything from my mind. There’s nothing I can do about it; I have to live with the fact that I’m going insane. But how did I know what the people looked like before seeing them on the news? I swear I’ve never seen them in my life. “Or have you?” the voice asked in the usual soft tone. I don’t know what to think anymore. If I’ve seen them before, how come I don’t remember them at all? “Don’t you trust me? I am your mind after all, I know you better than you know yourself” The voice was starting to sound threatening. But I couldn’t let it know how I truly felt, I just had to change my thoughts so it wouldn’t suspect anything. Yeah, of course, I trust you, I’m just trying to understand all of this, it’s just so sudden. “Good,” the voice said just before it disappeared.

I need to go on a walk and clear my mind. I headed to the coat rack to get my jacket and it wasn’t there. Thankfully, I have an extra one in my room, I headed off to get it but couldn’t find it anywhere. Huh, that’s strange, but it doesn’t stop me from going out to clear my mind. As I was opening the front door, it was a bit chilly and it seemed as if it was going to storm but there were no clouds. I kept on thinking back to the man in the suit. I was able to catch a glimpse of what they looked like before they hit me earlier. They seemed to have a sharp jawline and big, bushy eyebrows. They also seemed to have beautiful brown eyes like dirt while mine were green such as grass. They also had dark brown hair, almost black. Their suit fit them perfectly, maybe they got them professionally fitted. There’s no way someone could have found a suit that fits them that perfectly, it barely moved but just enough to almost animate his movements. I wonder why they even wore it. I shook my head. That’s not the most important thing at the current moment. What I should focus on is if they are a hallucination or if they do actually exist. If they do exist, are the injured people there as well?