Chapter
We are really a strange species. We crave company if we are solitary and space if we have company. Perhaps it is something to do with our evolutionary process, we are wired to set higher goals and try to achieve them. Love is an emotion that is the quintessential gel that somehow brings patterns in the everchanging layers of our life and sense in this chaos.
We were seated in our living room, but there was an empty vacuum of silence. Both of us struggled with our internal alter egos to break free from this situation. I don’t remember how we got to this point, just a few years back our conversations would go on forever. He was still this tall, dark, and handsome guy with his calm voice, broad shoulders, and athletic build. The only change was a touch of grey in his hair and weariness in his eyes, which
earlier were always bright and full of hope. For me it was an entirely different story, I had delivered a few months back, and was suffering from postpartum hair loss and low self-esteem. I never felt my appearance was exceptional, I had a wheatish complexion, average height, and dark black hair. The only things I liked about myself were my eyes and my smile.
This year had been particularly tough, not only because of the pregnancy. This year the world was hit by the catastrophe of the global pandemic COVID. Each day was a war against this invisible pathogen and the completion of daily household chores. We felt overpressured by the responsibilities as new parents in this explosive atmosphere with no house help, no family support but an endless list of duties.
Before we were both working for long hours to meet late in the evenings, but we were together. We were completely in sync in terms of our desires, ambitions, and needs. But now, here we were, staying together for the past seven months but completely separated in terms of understanding each other. Sometimes we both preferred not to speak as we feared another argument.
He broke the silence “I think we should go to Benaras, you will find the support for Priya and I would be able to focus on work”. I considered the preposition, my brain was processing things at a slower speed, as we were hardly getting enough sleep. The number of cases had gone down in the past few days. I was a doctor by profession, I had witnessed the trauma of COVID firsthand. How easily it could turn around the lives of people, deprive them of their loved ones, and make them battle for each breath. My fear was real. After shuffling through these thoughts I simply said “What if we catch it ?”.He stared at me, then simply stated “ I need support and peace, besides Priya needs to be with her grandparents. We should go, we will take all precautions it will be fine.”
So we went to Benaras and found support but not each other. Our arguments became worse, I felt that the mere presence of my daughter nullified my individual existence. All conversations directed to me were checklists about her sleep, feed, milestones, etc. The only drafting conversation about me was that I had put on weight. I loved my daughter immensely but I somehow could not use it to fill the emotional void that surrounded me. We returned to Gurgaon in April 2021, with our nine-month-old to start afresh, we both wanted to rectify our mistakes.
Just when we had started to rebuild our bond, our entire world was rattled by COVID. He started to develop a fever and throat infection, few days down the line Priya was sick with similar symptoms. We became secluded within our own house in different rooms, since I was still unaffected I stayed with our daughter in one bedroom and he in another. We used to converse through texts. Four days later he started improving, he was taking all prescribed medicines, all homeopathic recommendations, and even doing exercises to improve his lung capacity. I felt relieved that at least one of them was recovering quickly, my daughter had an intermittent fever and was primarily on a liquid diet as she was refusing solids. Her Pediatrician had asked me to be patient, she had said “ We should focus on symptomatic relief, and our primary target will be to break the fever cycle and maintain her diet through fluid intake, vitamin supplements, and prophylactic treatment”.
On the fifth day post his infection, I was infected, we all had tested positive. I was still not that perturbed, because I had solace in the realization even if I deteriorated, my husband was improving. This confidence was short-lived, that very evening he texted “Come in my room”.As I entered my heart speeded up, he was lying face down, his breath erratic with an oximeter attached to his index finger showing a saturation percentage of 93. For a moment my world went blank, but then the doctor in me was faster to recover, I immediately checked his temperature which was over 101 degrees Fahrenheit. My brain screamed “cytokine storm”, this was the monster I always dreaded. I looked at him trying very hard to look calm, “When did you take the last methylprednisone dose, and how much was it”.He looked perplexed, but reverted around 4 hrs back to (6mg)”.I knew steroid was our only hope, but how much?
I contacted my senior with many years of experience in respiratory medicine. “Give him 32 mg stat, repeat the same after 6 hours if his oxygen level does not improve”.After a long pause he said, “Try to arrange supplementary oxygen, it might be required.”
My entire body felt as if it had been hit by a high-velocity vehicle, I wanted to scream but no words came out. For the first time, I was scared of losing him and that fear actually made me feel how much I loved him. Earlier expressing love had been a part of my existence. But at this moment it was as if my entire existence was supplemented by him. I gave him the medicine, my face ashen with fear, he looked at me gave my hand a gentle squeeze, and said: “I am fine, it will be ok”.My throat choked, and the tears I had long held back started flowing.
I ran out of the room, regained my composure, and went back to the room with a determination as strong as my love for him to defeat this pathogen. “We need to find a hospital with an oxygen supply, and get you admitted as soon as possible”.He nodded, and I continued “Stay strong, lie in the prone position, and take paracetamol 650 mg 4 hourly, we need to break this fever cycle.”
The battle was just starting, and we were running out of ammunition. There were simply not enough beds in the second wave of COVID in India. The constant shadow of doom hovered around us, the continuous blaring of ambulance horns deepening our unrest. We contacted every known agency, relatives, and our parents. We barely slept the whole night, too scared to submit to our weakened bodies and exhaustion, we kept on motivating each other, tethering on the faint thread of hope.
By evening the next day, the only good out of all our struggles was that his oxygen had stabilized at 94. But this was a dangerous threshold, we still needed that hospital bed. My head felt fuzzy, I did not know what to do, each passing moment was making me lose my sanity. My phone rang, I just held it to my ears, it was my aunt, “There is a bed but it is in a government hospital in Jhajjar, I have some connections there. They have assured oxygen supply”.Suddenly it seemed as if my brain had been rewired, She coaxed “Hello???”. I retorted “I am calling a cab, we will take it”.I thanked her with all my heart. I literally ran back to my husband, “Book a cab, we need to go”.
With my sleeping nine-month-old in my lap and a bag for her essentials, we headed out for the longest ride of our lives. From Gurgaon to Jhajjar was about 3 hrs journey, we had started at 6 pm in the evening. As the night grew colder, I cursed myself for not getting any blankets for my daughter. My husband took out a cotton T-shirt from his bag, which he had hastily packed, and wrapped it around her. He held my hand and smiled, somehow this made me feel protected and warm as if everything would be alright from there.
We reached the heavily guarded hospital premises at 10 pm that night. A masked night duty guard gave us instructions to drive to D block of the hospital. There was an eerie silence and heaviness in the air, a doctor was seated with heavy protective gear on a chair, and in front of him was a table with registration forms and other necessary equipment at the entrance of a massive five-floored block. He took all the necessary information, made me sign all the papers, and promptly asked me to leave.
Returning home, cutting through the silence of deserted streets, nothing else mattered but to be in the arms of my husband once more, how I craved for it. I looked at my daughter peacefully sleeping wrapped in her father’s T-shirt, somehow it comforted me too.
The next week we did video calls and constantly motivated each other to be positive. I taught him how to survive in a government hospital, to pass some money to the ground staff. We were all fighting this pathogen, our bodies were a battleground. Priya though the youngest of all had still warded it off and almost recovered. I did not have respiratory complications but my body was frail. My husband could for the first time understand my apprehensions, He was witnessing the war between life and death. The desperate and insane zeal of healthcare workers to reduce the death toll of covid. The pain and urge of those infected for survival.
A small lung consolidation patch was noted on his X-Ray, and he was started on strong antibiotics. His supplemental oxygen needs were diminishing each day with his recovery. The treatment was itself tough, the intravenous drugs and the oxygen therapy each inflicted its own unique trauma on his body. After seven days he called and said he would be coming home. To me, it seemed that all my prayers were heard.
As I opened the door and saw him in the doorway, I wanted to rush into his arms. He candidly said, “ I need to bathe”.He walked into the room with two cups of tea and a smile. I had tears in my eyes, he kept the cups on the table, and hugged me tightly, “ I love you, how I longed to be with both of you”.My body shook with long-held sobs of pain and relief. Priya joined for a group hug with her wobbly stance, and we both laughed. It felt like ages since I had felt such joy and peace.
Today we are together, our bond stronger than ever. This separation taught us what we value most in life, our family and the people we love. And how easily we become oblivious to this fact in our battles for daily sustenance. We were together earlier, in the mere context of a company. We were actually brought together by this harrowing void of separation. So separation has done what nothing could do, taught us the true meaning of life.
